To think we need to find ways to improve people’s resilience

[thewitchesofprestwick]

Already so many people are struggling with their mental health. Things are going to get worse for the economy and the physical health of the population, whether we lockdown or not. Jeremy Farrar of the Wellcome Trust indicated that we are out of good options. Then in the background we have the effects of climate change. How do we equip people to cope better day to day? AIBU to think that there is something we can all do?

There is nothing quite like being told that what we need to do is develop resilience to make me reconsider a lifetime of non violence.

@LaurieFairyCake

We teach resilience in school, teach them that to 'fail' is part of a growth mindset and entirely normal

That’s great, something positive that will help

@MereDintofPandiculation - I don't think we have a choice in that matter.

There are many ways we can teach our children how to care for each other.

Think about all the amazing people who used lockdown to raise money for charity, or the small acts of kindness for neighbours and vulnerable family members.

And by caring for your own and your child's emotional wellbeing you are teaching them about other people's feelings.

@Dinosauratemydaffodils

You have value

Today you made me feel less alone x

@chickenyhead

I have no resilience.

A lifetime and childhood of emotional trauma totally broke me.

Sometimes the things that people claim lead to resilience actually do the opposite.

In my experience, yes it does come from overcoming hardship, WITH the knowledge that you have value as a person independent of that hardship.

If you were raised as being the issue, or being irrelevant and you believe that, then anything you do ends the same way.

I am sorry. Of course you have value as a person. If I knew you in real life, how could I be a good friend and support to you?

Nasty. And not true at all.

@thewitchesofprestwick

Already so many people are struggling with their mental health. Things are going to get worse for the economy and the physical health of the population, whether we lockdown or not. Jeremy Farrar of the Wellcome Trust indicated that we are out of good options. Then in the background we have the effects of climate change. How do we equip people to cope better day to day? AIBU to think that there is something we can all do?

Most of us are coping day to day, and for those that aren't, we should show empathy and care and not accuse them of lacking resilience.

Thanks those of you that gave thoughtful, non judgemental replies. My question comes from a place of witnessing how stretched resources are to support mental health, and to figure out what we can all do. I have to work now but will return later.

@MereDintofPandiculation

Do we really want to produce a generation of people who have resilience to being deprived of loving contact with friends and wider family? Once you no longer need other people, maybe you no longer care as much about other people?

This and I suspect its why many have stopped caring about the rules or wider society.

I'm shocked at how so many people here start their posts with, I suffer from anxiety and/or depression.

I have faced many difficulties in life but just carry on trying to make the best of things. My childhood was quite deprived but not abusive, so I don't see any issue there. I do just think it is to do with personality.

I hate to say it but I find myself very irritated by the 'cant cope' posts when the issues are so minor compared to my own experience, but I know it's totally unreasonable of me.

@thewitchesofprestwick

Thanks.

X

@IheartNiles

People’s resilience is through being financially cushioned, with good employment and life prospects and with a support network around them and quality of life. It’s very easy for people with those things in place to condescend to those who do not.

I think that is coping capcity and is a huge part of resilience levels but isn't all of it.

We've had times in our lives when our resources were really low - and anything out of ordinary was a huge thing to deal with and took a long time to recover from.

Having been through those times I'm aware my resilance is greater than I thought and now we also have fewer demands and more resources so life is easier all round.

I'm not sure going though those times made me stronger but they made me aware I could cope with more than I thought becuase what choice did I have.

I think personality, gentics, health and circumstances also contibute to resilience and I'm not so sure it can be taught. The whole growth mindset thing is also disputed - growth mindset controversy - though I've always thought praising effort and work a better bet long term for children.

There are the things we can do such as talking to loved ones, I agree.

The single best thing that would help would be the Prime Minister's resignation and a competent PM taking his place. The only danger would be lack of social distancing in celebrations.

Maybe formative years are key. Like if a child feels able to try things out, take appropriate risks and maybe fall and fail but they have the tight support from parents and teachers to get back up without too much criticism. As opposed to someone whose been taught don't risk it, you might fuck up and then what?

Agree this resilience stuff is thinly veiled putting the boot in.

I've been told I'm resilient. My friend said it was something that impressed her about me- that I just keep at it and keep going.

I have a disability and spent a childhood in and out of children's hospital, lots of surgery and pain. Was told that my life would effectively be over due to pain in my early 20s.

I can keep at it and have a brave face etc but this resilience, it means cover it up really doesn't it? Stiff upper lip and all that. Don't let anyone know you are struggling.

Interestingly I just googled suicide stats England Wales. They were lower during the two world wars but a massive peak during great depression.

I think that it's a complex area, mental health. Different people cope differently with different things. People who are 'doers' or thrive on human interaction obviously struggle with lockdown etc. The massive change to working practices.

The loss of people's livelihoods, businesses etc is massive and it looks like the past shows that this is NOT trivial and just needs a bit of resilience. I mean unless you think killing yourself means you lack resilience? Thinking about it you probably do, actually.

Anyway a complex topic and one that won't be solved by people saying oh they just lack resilience.

I wonder how those who say it's a bit of resilience would cope with a really major problem eg immediate family deaths followed by homelessness due to loss of jobs, unable to feed children properly and locked down in a squalid 1 room place with loud scary alcoholics for neighbours...

Which is how families in the UK do live with their kids in some circs.

Does stiff upper lip cut it?

Whenever I see the word "snowflake" being used in a derogatory way, I know I'm about to read a load of old shite so I don't bother looking at whatever else that person has posted. Same with Karen, Boomer, Millennial, etc. It's a lazy, stereotyping buzzword that adds absolutely nothing to whatever point it is you're trying to make.

When many people say "people should be more resilient" what they mean is that people should suck it up, develop a stiff upper lip, and keep quiet about their emotional and mental struggles.

That's not resilience, that's storing up problems rather than tackling them and it leads to poor mental health in the long term not to mention the negative affects on day to day life and relationships.

Real resilience has multiple facets. It's the ability to keep going when you're struggling, even if you're not giving 100%, because even a single step forward is better than standing still. It's the ability to plan ahead and anticipate. Its persistence. And its the ability to set up support measures and to seek additional support when needed. Recognising when you need help and then asking for help is a part of resilience.

I am someone who thought that they had resilience.

Who has overcome lots and who has a lovely home, family etc

Today I am sat in a ball uncontrollably crying because of my job ( which objectively isn’t that bad) but actually I have just lost the ability to cope

Different types of resilience are needed for different situations. At the moment many people need to gather extra internal and external resources around them in order to cope. If those resources aren’t there, for whatever reason, then people’s mental health will suffer.
Learning to look for and find and use those resources is what can help. For example, for me, being warm enough in school and a good night’s sleep are very important at the moment- they help me feel more resilient. For my dd playing nostalgic minecraft with friends in lockdown helped her.

Chickenyhead interesting.

My parents don't/ didn't teach me that I was valuable as a person.

In subtler ways like not visiting in hosp etc.

I'm resilient but fundamentally I don't feel that my life is of any importance- I'm just one human amongst billions iyswim.

@SnuggyBuggy

Maybe formative years are key. Like if a child feels able to try things out, take appropriate risks and maybe fall and fail but they have the tight support from parents and teachers to get back up without too much criticism. As opposed to someone whose been taught don't risk it, you might fuck up and then what?

I was brought up in a critical environment - school due to my undiagnosed dsylexia and dyspraxia and my parents following a pattern they were brought up with -my siblings also say this.

They did praise hard work and effort especially with me -possibly as they didn't expect good results though I did go on to do very well acadmcially.

I did put myself forward to do things despite discouragment - which sometimes I got past and other times couldn't -with mixed results and my parents often facilitated me once I did even if they moaned about it. I am conservative with risk but I've still taken them in life.

Can we separate actual mental health issues from resilience please? I suffer periodically from severe anxiety and depression. When it is bad, I can't function very well, but I get better, pick up the pieces, carry on working, raising family etc. That makes me resilient, in the same way as a person dealing with diabetes or severe asthma is resilient.

@Dishwashersaurous

I am someone who thought that they had resilience.

Who has overcome lots and who has a lovely home, family etc

Today I am sat in a ball uncontrollably crying because of my job ( which objectively isn’t that bad) but actually I have just lost the ability to cope

So sorry to hear that ((hug))

A society shows resilience by caring for everyone who is struggling, whether through the NHS etc or personally.

Dishwasher I'm sorry to hear that.

I feel similar- working from home full time is just not what I'm cut out for. I need to get out into the world. I find it hard to keep delivering when I never go into the office and get that feel of we're all here driving towards a shared goal. I miss the non task specific chats which actually helped a lot with work- understanding what other teams were up to and what difficulties they were having- informally.

It is bollocks.

Call the doc if you are feeling ongoing bad and haven't already.

And ignore this oh you just lack resilience shit.

I once heard a colleague in HR moan to another colleague that a severely stressed colleague should simply "show some resilience". I was shocked by her lack of empathy.

I find the phrase unhelpful. Not everybody can just "get on with it".

I'd say this is the opposite of what teaches resilience. We've got a generation of kids coming up who have never been allowed to fail so when they hit the adult world everything falls to pieces.
Resilience comes from learning how to think, how to fail, how to overcome barriers, how to deal with difficult feelings and situations.

This.
I was discussing this very thing with my sister two days ago and I feel very sorry for the younger generations. We grew up in a time when you couldn't have everything you wanted right away (or at all, sometimes), go places you wanted to or do things you wanted to all the time and most of the population were living on very small budgets. All the previous generations (apart from the very well off) had had the same experience. Of course, we whinged a bit but you just had to do without and save up your pocket money until you could get the thing you wanted. It was a really good training for life and made you able to put up with disappointment, lack of things you would like to be able to do, boring times spent at home as we couldn't afford to go to the cinema, etc. I say this NOT because I am deriding the younger generations who did not have this and who are finding the current restrictions really difficult - it isn't their fault - they've never had to learn to do without or be patient and put up with things because they've had a much more cushioned life so far compared with those who were born immediately post-war and before. They are at a great disadvantage and are having to learn resilience as adults and young adults, whereas we had already done so by their age. I am glad I grew up in the time I did.