To think we need to find ways to improve people’s resilience

[thewitchesofprestwick]

Already so many people are struggling with their mental health. Things are going to get worse for the economy and the physical health of the population, whether we lockdown or not. Jeremy Farrar of the Wellcome Trust indicated that we are out of good options. Then in the background we have the effects of climate change. How do we equip people to cope better day to day? AIBU to think that there is something we can all do?

@NiceGerbil

I guess my parents were of the neglectful kind, with an aversion to emotion.

I knew from a very young age that I was a burden and if I got myself in to a bad situation, it was my fault. No point in telling anyone about it, or expecting anyone to care. If they found out, it was always ridicule or lecture.

As a child and an adult, I have huge resilience to being alone and of making do with what I have. I have NO resilience to bullying or not being heard. None.

Strange indeed.

this is NOT a resilience issue. It's just not. I am quite a resilient person, many bad things have happened in my life and i have always managed to get through them, but in this situation many people cannot use their normal coping methods, because they are now illegal.

This is not an issue with people individually.

Being able to cope with adversity is very different to thriving.

My belief is that resilience is to a large extent innate and random.

You can teach coping skills but you can’t teach that “Screw you life you won’t break me, I’m going to be happy anyway“ spirit.

Just luck imo.

One thing that could be done is the government could fund more community groups (would have to be online at the moment of course)

I certainly don’t think anyone should be blamed for not coping, we all do the best we can

I think resilience is about flexibility. At the moment we need to be so flexible- you can't plan because what is possible changes constantly.

At the start, when it was difficult to get food deliveries, the ability to be flexible made life much easier. We could go without bread and milk and eggs if we needed to, just find different things to eat.
If you usually exercise at a gym, finding ways to recreate the experience at home.
If you see your family every Sunday for a dinner, something social replaces that.

Some people have severe restrictions on their flexibility- either internal, people with autism, food allergies, or external- budgets and housing.

We need to be flexible to the best of our ability, it really helps. You can't just rage and give up that your usual things are changing.

And yes, I know it's exhausting. I like things predictable too. We have to be solution focussed rather than problem focussed, though. Horrible jargon, but it's true.

they've never had to learn to do without or be patient and put up with things because they've had a much more cushioned life so far compared with those who were born immediately post-war and before.

That may be true for some young people but certainly not all, or even the majority. I know many young people who don’t get things immediately, who need to wait and work and save, whose lives are far from cushioned. It’s thinly veiled ageism to suggest that all young people are less cushioned, in the same way it is to suggest all older people are wealthier and sitting at ease in their family homes bought for a pittance.

Resilience is a complex issue with lots of research surrounding it, suggesting both a degree of adversity and the right supports help build resilience. All ages have things they struggle with, and all ages have people who can cope better than others. The levels of poor mental health in the age 30-40 population would suggest it’s not a millennial snowflake issue.

Like many here, I acquired a lot of resilience from an abusive childhood and some very traumatic events as an adult. I'm pretty tough and resilient, yes. But I also have complex PTSD which, while treated and I would say I'm not at risk of having a full relapse into symptoms, very much lingers at the edge of my brain.

I think people would feel far more resilient if they could trust their government at least to some extent, have decent financial fallbacks, and there was a good mental health structure in place.

None of these things are currently in place so it doesn't surprise me that people don't feel particularly resilient.

@niceupthedance totally agree with your comment about social work. Gaslighting at its finest.

@WildWindBlows

Not sure I agree IheartNiles I think resilience comes from overcoming hardships and difficulties in life and facing adversity. Those who've never experienced hardships and are cushioned are probably not that resilient, they've never had to be.

Rubbish. Plenty of people have lived through hardship and difficulties and not overcome them. That is why we had a mental health crisis even before this. And the failure to recognise that lack of resilience and support mental health services for many decades is the reason why people now are unable to find coping strategies. Some people are naturally endowed with resilience, or have learned it. Others are not or have been crushed by their experiences.

This argument is just another in the long line of "those with money/ who can work from home / have something that I don't have" are entitled and privileged and have no problems. People may be lucky in their outcomes. They may have safe(ish) jobs, or be able to work from home, or a bit more income, than you. That doesn't make them weak or incapable or entitled. There is absolutely no merit in not having those things, any more than there is merit in having them. Sowing the seeds of discord between people, all of whom could lose everything in a flash, is a good capitalist strategy. Why collude with it. If you want to have a go at someone, why not concentrate on those raking in £millions from the misery around them, and who expect to be applauded if they donate a (tax-deductible) pittance to help the less fortunate?

Yes very similar here!

I learnt young as well that 'you've made your bed now you have to lie in it'.

My parents let me do whatever- out all night from 16 etc- but I knew if anything went wrong not to ask for help. I still know that now. When I had PND I knew not to mention it to my parents. They occasionally said 'you don't look very happy!' in a chastising tone of voice so I would know that just keeping how I was feeling secret wasn't enough I had to SMILE too!

They are also the sort of people who would be very derisive about other people's lack of coping- resilience. Oh so and so has depression. Ha! He always was a miserable sod etc.

Better than my grand dad who saw things like cancer as a personal failing :/

That was to chickenyhead, sorry!

@NiceGerbil
Yes! I was the feeble emotional one. The black sheep.

Even as an adult when my ex violently raped me, they still sent joint Christmas cards and despite never phoning me, ever, phoned him weekly about his cancer.

I have hopefully raised my DC to have a voice, an opinion. To fix what you can. But my self loathing has never gone away. It's infuriating.

I'm the most resilient person my friends say they know. But even I have had a day or two of wobbling - by December I will have been shielding alone for 9 months. No face to face conversation except for hospital staff and the delivery drivers/postman
Haven't seen my parents or friends

I'm incredibly resilient now and that's been caused by two things. Firstly having had an extremely traumatic, abusive childhood (which I wouldn't wish on anyone) AND being lucky enough to have received the love, support and mental health treatment to heal from/deal with it. An enormous amount of people don't get what they need to help them build resilience and that isn't their fault

Also complaining and even struggling and crying isn't a lack of resilience, its a normal social function that helps us cope when things are difficult

These are extraordinary times, of course a lot of people don't know how to cope with it.

Sadly the most resilient will be the ones that make it through. That’s just survival of the fittest.

Resilience at a society level is different than just lots of people personally being resilient. Eg I dont think our housing situation in the uk very good. Some people might personally be more resilient when in bad housing but rent reform would make us 'more resilient' as a whole. In fact the more people that suck it up, the less likely we are to push for change. We seem very resilient in water supply but should be investing more to keep that so.

Resilience is the ability to grow in the face of adversity, people can and do grow but they’re also allowed to have their feelings about it
I totally agree that. Resilience is running a race and getting to the end. Some will run, be out of breath, they lungs burning, their legs aching, feeling like they'll never see the end of the race. Some of these will go in quietly whilst others will cry through it, moan, shout, but they'll still going.

Others will give up as soon as they do d it a bit hard, moaning about it or not.

I do also agree that althouh resilience usually built in adversity, it isn't always. The most resilient person I know has faced very few if at all challenges in her life. She is however the most determine, headstrong and positive person I have ever met.

@IheartNiles

People’s resilience is through being financially cushioned, with good employment and life prospects and with a support network around them and quality of life. It’s very easy for people with those things in place to condescend to those who do not.

I disagree. My life has been much more difficult than my brothers and has taught me resilience where he has none. I think part of it is getting creative and being thankful fir what you do have when times are tough. I'm ok now but thankful every day for all that we have, whereas my brother will moan about every little thing that doesn't go as planned.

But I'm not sure how to teach people resilience. So many threads on here where people point out that lockdown isn't as bad as a war or dying and they get moaned at for saying so. It looks like people aren't open to it right now.

I am resilient and always have been but tbh it has done me zero favours so I am not sure that 'resilience' is all that it's cracked up to be.

And the attitude towards children on this thread is a bit weird. The posters calling them a generation of children who have no resilience and have been 'handed everything on a plate' have clearly never worked with children and young people and listened to the shit that they deal with. It's a massive generalisation and a bit silly if you ask me.

@MaxNormal

"Resilience" in 2020 seems to be a way to shut down and undermine anyone distressed by being in a difficult situation. Normally closely followed by references to the war.

I completely agree with this.

@LaurieFairyCake

We teach resilience in school, teach them that to 'fail' is part of a growth mindset and entirely normal

Maybe you should start doing daily MN classes!!

@TrustTheGeneGenie

this is NOT a resilience issue. It's just not. I am quite a resilient person, many bad things have happened in my life and i have always managed to get through them, but in this situation many people cannot use their normal coping methods, because they are now illegal.

This is not an issue with people individually.

And this. I am resilient. I’ve been through some pretty awful times, and have come through them with the help of my particular coping mechanisms... all of which have been taken away. Now, I’m struggling. And I don’t need to be ‘more resilient’. I am resilient. I’ll cope. But it’s really really fucking hard, and it’s ok to find things hard when your coping mechanisms have disappeared.

I agree the snowflake accusation makes no sense at all, they’re a very unsheltered generation with pressures not even invested when we were young (not to diminish the struggles we had too).

I think more pulling together of communities would help. Our culture currently supports just looking after ourselves and indifference/mild suspicion of others

Surely that’s a question of empathy, not resilience?

I feel sadness for those whose lives Have been lost or limited by war, on top of my own sadness about my current situation. I don’t think “oh good, I have a better life than those poor sods, I can be happier now I’ve thought of that!”

Not even invented, I mean