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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

would you go to middle east

252 replies

gg12346 · 02/11/2020 01:01

Husband just announced that he will be travelling to middle east for work .He has been given a decent package .Our kid is in primary so doesnt matter much but I am very upset with the news I dont wish to relocate .I dont work at the moment but I plan to work in future
Am I been unreasoble if I tell him I shall rather leave him to work there alone and go back home to live with my parents for a few months.I cant live in london all alone with kid makes no sense .
AIBU in saying so ? I just dont wish to go with him .There is no feeling left to always wander around.

OP posts:
mmgirish · 02/11/2020 19:07

@Quaagars

Why do you ask?

Was just wondering because your answer "I don't feel like a second class citizen, it's very normal here, I'm enjoying it" would have something to do with whether you were in a compound, or on normal streets mixing with everyone else.

So let me see if I'm understanding you correctly. Are you saying that individuals who live in compounds are not entitled to an opinion on Saudi Arabia?

Or, that they don't mix with others?

In my experience, compounds are full of people from all over the world. Especially people from the Middle East.

So, back to my original question, where do you live?

Brefugee · 02/11/2020 19:09

I would never go to the middle east and my DH wouldn't expect me to.

Having said that, he wouldn't take a change of location like this without consulting me first.

Joswis · 02/11/2020 19:10

If you don't go, you risk your marriage breaking up.

It will be a very comfortable life over there. Villa on a compound, servant if you want one. Very good standard of living.

I have moved to 4 countries to work on my own. You don't have to do anything, just be with your husband.

If you worked, it would be different, so what is the problem?

Quaagars · 02/11/2020 19:11

Are you saying that individuals who live in compounds are not entitled to an opinion on Saudi Arabia?

Of course you're allowed an opinion on Saudi Arabia!
I was just saying that it's easy to say you don't feel a second class citizen, that you're treated right, if you're compounded away.
I'll take your non answer as a yes.

Joswis · 02/11/2020 19:12

The only way there would be a risk of losing your child would be if you were living in his home country. If you are both British, custody would be liable to British law.

Quaagars · 02/11/2020 19:14

Sorry, just realised I forgot to answer yours - I'm in the UK, although I'm not sure what that has to do with anything.
It's fact that women aren't treated the same over there and don't have the same rights as men, not opinion, so that's why I would never go.

Sheknowsaboutme · 02/11/2020 19:15

Never. Cant believe he is considering taking you there.

Mama1980 · 02/11/2020 19:15

I've lived and worked as a single woman in various parts of the Middle East. I can honestly say I've never had a single problem, other than good natured cultural differences.
So I would have no issues at all in going or taking my children.

Mama1980 · 02/11/2020 19:16

Oh and I never lived in a compound.

Quaagars · 02/11/2020 19:20

@Mama1980
I've lived and worked as a single woman in various parts of the Middle East. I can honestly say I've never had a single problem, other than good natured cultural differences
Oh and I never lived in a compound

Suppose that'd depend on where in the Middle East you lived, I know I said I'd never live or go to Saudi Arabia but I wouldn't rule out other countries, it's a huge place.
Kind of like saying you wouldn't visit the whole of Europe just because of one country you disagree with.
They're all different

mmgirish · 02/11/2020 19:20

@Quaagars

Are you saying that individuals who live in compounds are not entitled to an opinion on Saudi Arabia?

Of course you're allowed an opinion on Saudi Arabia!
I was just saying that it's easy to say you don't feel a second class citizen, that you're treated right, if you're compounded away.
I'll take your non answer as a yes.

I do live on a compound. My employer decides where we live based on their contract with the compound. However, I'm not compounded away. That is funny. I mix with a wide range of people.

People, especially women can be treated badly no matter where they live. Compound or not. Just like they are in the UK and all around the world.

AgentProvocateur · 02/11/2020 19:27

I live in the UAE. Until Covid, I worked in Saudi for a few days each month. I am married, but travelled there and stayed there alone. I went to Jeddah. Smaller cities and towns may be different, but I stayed in hotels and went out to restaurants on my own and honestly felt safer there than I did in London.

mmgirish · 02/11/2020 19:30

@Quaagars

Sorry, me again Blush

@seayork2020
Why live in a compound and not normal places?

Exactly.....
Maybe easier to close eyes and pretend everything is groovy if you shut yourself off in a compound perhaps?
Treat ya nice if a rich secluded white British woman....

Also - most people on my compound are neither white nor British...

But it sure does sound like you know what you are talking about. Hmm

PizzzaExpressWoking · 02/11/2020 19:31

If you don't want to relocate then don't. It doesn't make a difference whether it's Saudi Arabia or France: if your life is here and you're settled and happy here and actively are against the idea of relocation, then stay here. Don't let someone force you to move because if you're not 100% on board the idea, you'll end up resenting him.

So YANBU for wanting not to relocate, but YABU for acting like "the Middle East" is all one place. I'm from a Middle Eastern country - it's not an Islamic country (hell in some parts of my country walking around in a one-piece swimsuit would be regarded as overly conservative), gay marriage is legal, abortion is legal, and women are powerful and do all the same jobs and have the same rights as men. I'm not idealising it because there are extremely serious problems and it's also a very racist country but it's 100% the opposite to the perception that Westerners have of "the Middle East" ie Islamic and women being oppressed.

I've travelled a fair bit in the Middle East and there is a huge difference between one country to the next. It's so frustrating when people act like Turkey or Tunisia must be exactly the same as Quatar! It's an entire region!

MrsKingfisher · 02/11/2020 19:38

I've spent many years working in Saudi, never had a problem as a woman. Lots of expats in compounds, have made some wonderful Saudi women friends. Yes it's strict but in your home/compound no abaya needed. I have never felt unsafe there at all.

Quaagars · 02/11/2020 19:43

Also - most people on my compound are neither white nor British...

Still shut away from the reality of RL for other women who are nationals and not foreigners, British or not.

People, especially women can be treated badly no matter where they live

True, but to willingly go to a country that treats women like SA isn't one that's going to sit well with everyone.

Quaagars · 02/11/2020 19:48

Yes it's strict but in your home/compound no abaya needed

See, that's what I mean, and why I mentioned compounds - of course you'll feel fine if you're allowed to take your abaya off in your own home, or in your compound,
What happens if you leave your compound though? Abaya on, cover yourself up woman? Probably wouldn't be so "friendly, I don't feel like a second class citizen" if you objected to that.

GilbertMarkham · 02/11/2020 19:57

Is Saudi arabia that bad sad never knew

I could be wrong but I think you couldn't leave the country without your husband's permission if you wanted to (if your relationship broke down there for example).

Also afaik any children there are considered his wards, not yours and you couldn't take them with you without his permission either.

I'm not sure if it was on here but I read an account by s man who said he and his wife's marriage broke down while there, she decided to go home and the final "affront" (she'd not enjoyed living there) was that he'd had to go to the airport to give his permission to the authorities to let her leave.

GilbertMarkham · 02/11/2020 20:00

It's just that he sounds high handed/dictatorial/selfish .. and you really wouldn't want to be somewhere like that with a dh like that or less than peachy marriage.

carly2803 · 02/11/2020 20:04

absolutely fucking not.

you will never be in control if your life,and if you want to leave ever in the future you will probably have to leave your child behind.

seriously. do not.

ineedaholidaynow · 02/11/2020 20:07

Why are there compounds?

GilbertMarkham · 02/11/2020 20:07

My ex work colleague and his wife lived in Saudi (Riyadh) for several years, off the top of my head;

She suffered an attempted sexual assault by a shop keeper who guided her into a back room to look at merchandise.

She discusses the assault on a flight with a young, relatively westernised Saudi man next to her and was diplomatic about some men in Saudi thinking/acting a certain way ... And he responded "it's not some, it's all".

She and her DH were shouted at (via megaphone) by the religious police because her head covering had slipped down. They shouted "cover, cover, cover" using the megaphone from their vehicle. She was quite new at that stage and didnt realise what they were shouting or why.

He was threatened by a driver during a road rage incident with a curved sword. He dud t actually get out of the vehicle (well, neither stopped), he just waved it out of the car window.

They made friends with some Saudi and other nationality (still Muslim) families through his work .. when they went to house parties they were separated at the door and taken into separate male and female rooms for the duration of the party, as was common apparently.

When he went for his first weekend break to Bahrain, I think (before wife moved to join him). his hotel room door was quickly knocked on by a pimp offering a prostitute, as it is apparently common for visiting men from Saudi etc to have.

noseresearch · 02/11/2020 20:11

its the sort of place where so long as everything is going well its fine. Its when something goes wrong (eg rape) that suffer from the imbalance of power.

I agree
for this reason I wouldn’t relocate to Saudi Arabia

Also I remember reading that case of the young Saudi woman who fled the country, and gained asylum in Canada (think it was a year ago?)

According to BBC “Hundreds of Saudi women flee the conservative kingdom every year and run away to Western countries over allegations of domestic abuse and oppression back home.”

I mean I’m glad some pp’s haven’t had any bad experiences of Saudi... but doesn’t that put you off?

Of course sexism exists everywhere but I don’t recall many cases of British women seeking asylum to other countries due to oppression...

GilbertMarkham · 02/11/2020 20:11

They also obviously did a lot of socialising with other westerners in compounds and at the Embassy and golf club.

Their marriage seems Rick solid and very equal though.

In your circumstances, I'd let him send the dinero home and not go there.

In fact I'd even worry about visiting. I'd suggest a half way safe spot for visits/meets, like Cyprus.

Quaagars · 02/11/2020 20:15

its the sort of place where so long as everything is going well its fine. Its when something goes wrong (eg rape) that suffer from the imbalance of power

Exactly, wouldn't fancy my chances over there if I was the victim of a sexual assault/rape.
Would you feel comfortable reporting it? I know I wouldn't

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