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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

would you go to middle east

252 replies

gg12346 · 02/11/2020 01:01

Husband just announced that he will be travelling to middle east for work .He has been given a decent package .Our kid is in primary so doesnt matter much but I am very upset with the news I dont wish to relocate .I dont work at the moment but I plan to work in future
Am I been unreasoble if I tell him I shall rather leave him to work there alone and go back home to live with my parents for a few months.I cant live in london all alone with kid makes no sense .
AIBU in saying so ? I just dont wish to go with him .There is no feeling left to always wander around.

OP posts:
seayork2020 · 02/11/2020 22:06

@XingMing

So many people have opinions about what life is like in the ME, while saying proudly that they would not go there even on a visit.
Ok I will ask again, are women totally free to go anywhere and do whatever they like in Saudi Arabia and be alone (not in a compound) and be perfectly ok??
MrsTerryPratchett · 02/11/2020 22:15

@XingMing

So many people have opinions about what life is like in the ME, while saying proudly that they would not go there even on a visit.
I've been to the Middle East. I wouldn't move to KSA.

I've been to Asia and wouldn't go to North Korea.

I've been to Africa. I wouldn't go to Somalia.

Do I have to go to everywhere to know I don't want to? Seems odd.

PumpkinPie2016 · 02/11/2020 22:25

I'd sooner stick pins in my own eyes than go to Saudi Arabia. Women have zero rights there and are basically second class citizens. If you wanted to come back, there's no guarantee that you would be allowed to bring your child with you. Sod that!

If he wants to go, fine, he can go alone. He can come back and visit you when he has holidays. You can zoom/video call to keep in touch.

Either stay put in London or go to your parents but for the love of god don't go to Saudi Arabia.

GrumpyHoonMain · 02/11/2020 22:29

I know many ex-colleagues in the ME. The normal course of events (even for people from the region) for someone working in Saudi is for family to stay in the UAE and the husband goes to join them for part of the week. It does depend on the industry though.

wed8pril · 02/11/2020 22:37

@mmgirish I do live on a compound. My employer decides where we live based on their contract with the compound. However, I'm not compounded away. That is funny. I mix with a wide range of people.

People, especially women can be treated badly no matter where they live. Compound or not. Just like they are in the UK and all around the world.

Last time I checked the UK doesn't allow marital rape, stone gay people, lash rape victims and behead protestors.

jeaux90 · 02/11/2020 22:42

I lived and worked out in Qatar for three years and travelled round the ME whilst there.

I hated it. If someone offered me 1mill to go back for a year I'd say no.

I came back because:
Women have no rights
There is fuck all to do there
It's expensive
Expats from the "west" act like entitled arseholes
The Asian workers get treated like shit
It's too fucking hot most of the time
Health and safety is dire

I can't think of one reason you should go

Graphista · 03/11/2020 01:37

@XingMing my relatives were fine - but they were mostly men! And they saw how women - both natives and migrants were treated. The one that was a woman did absolutely nothing wrong while there but was regarded with suspicion and certainly was very aware of how much she had to not only modify her behaviour to fit in but to be absolutely above reproach at all times. That's incredibly stressful and she cut her stay short as a result

We don't HAVE to physically go there to KNOW that certain countries have oppressive regimes best avoided!

It's possible to be reasonably well informed about a place without ever visiting it

Quaagars · 03/11/2020 01:39

It's possible to be reasonably well informed about a place without ever visiting it

That's true

ClareBlue · 03/11/2020 03:12

Well it seems like you should be ok if you stay in your open prison and don't come to the attention of the authorities and know your place as a women.
If you go on expat boards the majority view is a no to KSA due to boredom, restrictions as a women, heat, expensive living, and real uncertainty if something goes wrong.
You would struggle to find foreign office advice about living abroad as damning as that for SKA. They don't put this up litely.
What level of income compensates for that?
I suppose each individual has their own value on this but an already non supportive marriage seems to magnify the risks 20 fold.

BoomBoomsCousin · 03/11/2020 04:29

I’ve been to a bunch of places in the ME as a kid with a father who worked in those places and I wouldn’t visit, let alone move to live, there by choice.

But how awful or not the country is isn’t the major issue here. Your marriage is looking rocky not because he wants to go somewhere that has dodgy human rights, especially women’s rights. It’s looking rocky because your DH seems to think this sort of decision is one he can make and you must just acquiesce to, rather than one which requires both of you to agree it’s for the best.

Start planning how to get your DS into school and get yourself a career so you can regain some agency and power in your life.

Original poster
gg12346 · 04/11/2020 00:29

@BoomBoomsCousin
So true .I am just homeschooling my kid this year due to covid else I was working lady full time and kid went to a good school here in UK. Altough my salary was not much but still financial independance made a difference .Altough my hubby is still just thinking of financial aspect of the thing ,his decision also has made me realise that I should never ever leave my job no matter what .I really felt for the first time that hubby has massive control over my life .It really felt like a shit to be honest,

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 04/11/2020 00:40

gg12346 Glad to hear you have a good foundation to build up from. It's always sad to learn these things about the men we love, but it's always good to learn them before we find ourselves too trapped. Good luck.

jeaux90 · 04/11/2020 15:48

OP financial independence is the best gift you can try and give yourself. Being financially dependent on someone else long term is never good

YoniAndGuy · 04/11/2020 16:30

his decision also has made me realise that I should never ever leave my job no matter what .I really felt for the first time that hubby has massive control over my life .It really felt like a shit to be honest

This 100%

And that also tells you that you are right to refuse to move to the ME. That horrid feeling of him being in control... THAT'S what every single moment of your life would be like if you moved out there. He would rule you. Society says that he would be the boss of you.

Do not leave your job, do not move with him, do not trust him.

Fudgsicles · 04/11/2020 20:38

Read most of Jean Sasson's books. Gives a very good idea of life in SA and that's for the wealthy/Royals not your day to day family.

sst1234 · 04/11/2020 20:48

OP most people here will give you their political views, not useful advice as they have never actually been to the Middle East, well maybe Dubai airport but that’s it. Expats are scattered all around Middle East and most live within expat communities. It’s not unsafe for women on the whole, yes people in general behave in a more conservative fashion, but whenever people relocate for work, there are always adjustments to be made.

TaraR2020 · 04/11/2020 23:04

I don't understand why he would make this decision without you? Regardless of how much he may want it, its a joint discussion and joint decision, or it should be.

TaraR2020 · 04/11/2020 23:05

I've also read posts on here from women you live th4 middle East for husbands work, check out the AMA board - it should give you a much clearer picture of life out there and I believe it can be very safe for ex pat families.

TaraR2020 · 04/11/2020 23:06

*who

YoniAndGuy · 05/11/2020 09:26

@TaraR2020

I don't understand why he would make this decision without you? Regardless of how much he may want it, its a joint discussion and joint decision, or it should be.
Because he has zero respect for the OP and considers her a handmaiden whose purpose is to trail behind making his life easier and providing children, which she then does all care for - so he gets to have 'family' as well as 'career' without lifting a finger to facilitate the former.

In fact, exactly the kind of man you'd not want within a hundred miles of you in the ME.

unmarkedbythat · 05/11/2020 12:23

You don't have to visit a country to know you do not support its attitude to women and migrants, and it is as valid to say so as it is to say you don't care about said attitudes and liked living there. So much defensive bullshit whenever this topic comes up. If you can square living there with your conscience fine, that doesn't mean everyone else has to pussyfoot around pretending they aren't disgusted by it.

XingMing · 05/11/2020 21:31

People go to the ME for reasons that are not their husband's jobs. My DSis worked there for years; her DH was the trailing spouse. He was there on her visa and work sponsorship, medical insurance etc. The ME is moving along much much faster than most people understand, because there's a blinkered view that Muslim countries repress women. Some do, but more don't.

BreathyVoix · 06/11/2020 05:15

XingMing oh really? Like which countries?

XingMing · 06/11/2020 12:25

UAE, for an accountancy job. Oman, and most of the UAE are not restrictive of women's freedom of movement, right to drive and work without a male guardian. Sharjah and Qatar are not as liberal, Abu Dhabi is fairly conservative, but the KSA/Iran = the pits. Even so, a family member who is a trailing spouse is in the process of setting up a company there.

Milkshake7489 · 06/11/2020 16:46

He just decided to accept a job role in another country without consulting you? Shock

On that basis alone I vote LTB.