would you go to middle east

[gg12346]

Husband just announced that he will be travelling to middle east for work .He has been given a decent package .Our kid is in primary so doesnt matter much but I am very upset with the news I dont wish to relocate .I dont work at the moment but I plan to work in future
Am I been unreasoble if I tell him I shall rather leave him to work there alone and go back home to live with my parents for a few months.I cant live in london all alone with kid makes no sense .
AIBU in saying so ? I just dont wish to go with him .There is no feeling left to always wander around.

Your husband thinks he can call the shots, but then so are you!
You can't say that you won't go, but then refuse to work to take the pressure off.
There are compromises to be made all round here.

No way I would go. I believe there is a thin veil of Westernisation over some of the ME countries but, if it actually came down to it, you would have few, if any, rights as a woman. There isn't even a veil in Saudi - they display their attitude towards women for all to see. I say this as someone who was sexually assaulted in a country that is not in the ME, but is similar in its outlook, and knew absolutely and without any doubt that it would do me no good to tell anyone. I only told my dh ten years after it happened and he was actually there at the time (underwater, which is why he didn't see).

With a marriage on the rocks I wouldn’t go to any country. You’d be stranded with a divorce hanging over you, no friends or family for support no money for a solicitor and a very good chance of losing custody of your children.

I wouldn’t go to any wonderful enlightened women’s rights championing western country either never mind the Middle East.

Middle East is a shithole. I would never so much as voluntarily transit there.

It was wrong for your husband to have made the decision to go without discussing it with you first so YANBU to be annoyed about that.
However if the package is good enough it may be a perfect opportunity for your family. Your husband will be earning a fair amount so you can afford to have decent holidays (and being in the Middle East its much easier to travel further East/South), accomodation will be bigger than most people in the UK have and its likely utilities will be included. Depending on the company his hours may be better than he has now, government organisations in the region often work 7.30-2.30 and there are more holidays to look forward to.

Moving into the unknown is always scary but you can adapt. Your husband will get a school allowance to enable you child to go to a decent school, under your husbands sponsorship you maybe able to find work otherwise there will be chances to volunteer etc.

Being in Saudi it will be more restrictive though things are getting better. Wearing more conservative clothing, even an abaya (long black cloak thing) and scarf isnt that bad though you wont have to wear it everywhere anyway. You do NOT have to go out with a chaperone as some have suggested.

I have lived everywhere else in the Middle East except Saudi and as a woman definitely felt much safer than I do in the UK and certainly didn't feel like a 2nd class citizen and had the same sort of lifestyle as I would anywhere.... if not better due to having more disposable income. I could meet up with friends (male and female) for coffee, dinner and where allowed, a few drinks. Gyms were often totally single sex so no grunting, sweaty smelly men getting in the way lol, beauty salons are as cheap or as expensive as you want so manicures etc every week is doable if that's your thing.

I have had female friends and colleagues who have happily worked in Saudi and yes there are issues at times... paperwork being the most frustrating, or adapting to things being closed at prayer time but they've generally enjoyed their 2+ years and come back with a fair amount of savings.

I do think you need to give it a try at least for a year or 2 and then if it doesn't work out , you'll have some savings and as a family can decide on the next step.

Also you seem to think if you went you would preserve your marriage. Ha! Big fucking mistake. Never underestimate the strain of homesickness. I'm afraid your marriage is already doomed. You would just make it 100 times harder to separate in that man worshipping region.

I'd go if the marriage was good and it was for a few years (so not rest of my life). I spent a couple of years in a saudi compound when I was a girl, I'm fine with adjusting my clothing if necessary and am quite flexible culture wise. I wouldn't go if the marriage was bad though (but that goes for all emigration tbh).

@breathyvox

Curious if your assignment of the entire Middle East as a shithole is based on your personal experience? Have you visited, or lived there?

Yes I lived there for many years and travelled around. Worst time of my life. Have connections there still and keep in touch with what's going on. Just dreadful.

No. I wouldn't pick up my child and my world and move to another country with a different culture and cross my fingers that my life and my child's life wouldn't become one of complete isolation so he could have more work satisfaction.

I have travelled extensively in several ME countries.

I loved the culture, food, landscapes (some of the most beautiful I have ever seen). I never ever felt unsafe, sidelined or marginalised.

The women I met spoke of a largely matriarchal society and I have never met one woman who felt any of those things.

I despise the blanket bigotry on MN about the ME. There is much ignorance and intolerance about a different culture. Quite ironic really.

Yes and I have worked there. It's wonderful I would define go. It's not simwjwte I would want to live forever but it was magical , lovely people , I was treated very well (forget the preconceptions you might have )

No way would I move there, especially as he has made a unilateral decision for the whole family.

I'd go. Few places are as dangerous as London.

Come back to your parents if you don't like it. There's many flexible ways to do it.

I live and work in Saudi. It's not everyone's idea of fun but people come here to work, usually for a set time period. What I will say is that you need a solid marriage to make emigration, whether it's to the ME or elsewhere to work because the pressures of being away from your support network, family, friends etc are magnified. Any cracks in this and you will be miserable.

Lots of wives 'stay home' it's not uncommon.

I worked and lived in Oman for two years and didn't think twice about not going. Saudi though, not sure. How long for?

If places are so safe why do most expats live in a compound? Do you get to see and experience the real culture living in one of them?

I'm on my 15th year in the Middle East, and I wouldn't go to Saudi no. I know people who say they really liked it there, and there are certainly some heritage sites I would love to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there for any length of time.

I lived in Saudi for many many years. Personally, I really enjoyed my time there and would have no qualms about returning.

No, thank you a hard pass for me. May be tell your husband to go first and after that just stay here.

Somebody says London more dangerous than many places. Def more dangerous than ten years ago and people should reflect why.

I think for me the issue is not actually about ‘where‘ in the first instance. It’s that OP’s husband has seemingly made a blanket decision on behalf of the family without consultation. We have looked at emigrating a few times - it’s always been that DH tells me about an opportunity overseas (usually email because the opportunity comes during a working day). I then spend some time on the local equivalent of Rightmove looking at what housing costs/standards are like and we discuss at home. Sometimes it gets as far as a visit for him and we will consider schools etc. We got really close to a move to New York a couple of years ago, but have also looked at Aus/NZ and a bunch in Europe. I would probably not be encouraging about the ME. And I don’t think he would suggest it, because he would know it would likely be a flat no or him going alone.

OP - it reads as though English isn’t your first language? Is that correct? Where are you from and where is your husband from? Because this also adds important context for any move. My DH was born and raised in a ME country which means I’m very unlikely to agree to go there, or for him to go because that country has a shaky reputation in terms of its policy and behaviour to dual nationals (which he is, and theoretically my children could be).

But that aside, I would struggle to yield to a decision to go to any country, anywhere in the world that didn’t have as good or better equality rights and laws as the U.K. because these things are really important to me.

What’s wrong with Bali? Loads of expats living there.

My sister in law lives is Bahrain 🇧🇭 which is just a bridge away from Saudi where my BIL works. It's definitely all about the money, he's happy, she moans constantly, she has a lot more freedoms there but she also appears to like him making all the decisions which isn't for most women.

Honestly, for me I can't think of anywhere worse, I have no inclination to even visit, my husbands family think it's great as it's about showing off and money. It's not for me.

I've had a few friends who have lived in various locations over the Middle East and it seems like the better choice but really if my husband announced he was going off to the Middle East he would be going off alone. Mine thankfully feels the same about it all as me, but no I don't think it a nice place for women or children.

If my husband was asking in a considerate and caring way if we should live in Saudi together, I'd look into it and think about it.

If he outright said he was going and I had to come too, I'd tell him to fuck off. If you don't have legal rights, you're relying on your husband's decency, he's shown you he has none.

Would he go somewhere where he couldn't go out alone, had to have a female chaperone, had awful record on sexual abuse etc? Zero chance.

Sorry OP, I'd let him go and then change the locks.

Nope.

No way I would go anywhere I don’t have rights just because I am a woman. And I certainly wouldn’t be taking my children anywhere near there.