To be so upset about my lazy, overweight ten year old

[Limeandlemon]

Dd is 10, she’s overweight and obsessed with food. She comes in from school and goes straight to the fridge. She constantly asks for stuff, she sneaks stuff behind my back when I’m in the bath or upstairs.
On days out she constantly asks for food, what’s for lunch even when she’s just had her breakfast. I’m sick of it.
She ruins every day out or walk we ever go on. She moans she doesn’t want to walk, she moans she’s bored, she drags her feet and walks about with her face like thunder.
I’m really outdoorsy, I love being out hill walking, bird watching, going to seaside etc but she holds me back and complains about everything.
We took her away for a nights stay in an air b&b in the Cairngorms, an hour from where we live and she complained that nobody else does this stuff, why can’t we just be normal. Why can’t we celebrate Halloween by sitting in eating sweets and watching movies.
She’s so ungrateful.
She’s obsessed with watching YouTube videos and glued to her iPad. I can’t get her interested in anything else.
She goes horse riding once a week and that’s all I can afford, plus corona virus restrictions mean we can’t sign her up to anything else for now.
I work full time and it’s dark when I finish so can’t take her to the park after school now.
She’s an only child and gets bored easily, no play dates with current restrictions but have had a couple of park meetings when I can with her and her friends but can’t manage more than once a fortnight.
I’m at my wits end with her and I’m not enjoying being a parent just now. I almost feel like I have a weight tied to me holding me back from doing anything that I find enjoyable. I just want to have family days out without screaming arguments.
Anyone in the same boat?

shame nobody told the OP about geo caching before she disappeared.

In terms of food, it sounds like she’s comfort eating.
I’d suggest getting her into cooking. Making comfort food takes ages and there often not much of it at the end - honestly try making Nigella’s hammy dodgers. It’s takes hours for like 8.

As for watching YouTube I’d ask what she’s watching.
My family were always berating me for watching ‘rubbish’ on telly. I’m now an award wining film and TV producer.
Talk to her about what she’s into. Ask her how and why she likes it.
Maybe she’d like to make some videos?

@Legooo I’m so pleased you have managed all of those things. Go you.

Op is asking for help... Not everyone makes perfect choices, and it’s easy as a parent when times are tough and busy to make less effective choices. I’m currently a stone over my usual weight... still ok bmi but that’s not the point. I have dragged 😂 my 14-17 yo kids on camping/walking holidays this year... I love them, they loathe them. I don’t care... we do loads for them and given the choice would have continued to but hey, Covid!

At 10 I’d try to give options... so a walk, a bike ride etc but I wouldn’t make it optional. If she was being bullied then this may be fallout... she’s scared if she’s not on social media that it will start again, they’ll say stuff as she’s not around. She will want to do brag activities... so her friends are envious of her . Walking isn’t one of them I’m afraid. If you want her to engage op do some of the brag stuff... carve a pumpkin but make sure it’s amazing, have a movie girly night with face packs. A shopping and lunch day. Maybe not something you like but when you go walking it’s a compromise. Your dd confidence is shot... and it’s hard in the middle of her panic to support her, as her behaviour does not make you love her....arrogant (fear) behaviour is selfish and self centred. Good luck!

Take away iPad, healthy snacks most of the time.

With the horseriding would it be possible for her to help out at the stables over the weekend* (maybe not right now because of Corona but you could ask). That doesnt cost any extra money and forking muck heaps etc is great exercise and involves being in the fresh (if rather pongy) air. Only if it was something she wanted to do, but if she is into horses anyway she probably would.

*Im assuming stables benefitting from unpaid child labour is still a thing. Was in my day...

OP the ipad needs to go. Keep persevering, find out what she likes. Get to know her more, talk about school and let her know you love and appreciate her as she is (although sounds like you need some time alone too?!)

How overweight is your DD? When you put your details into the NHS BMI calculator, what does it say?

I don’t think iPads are the devil but I think you have to be extremely consistent with them. My kids can have screens until breakfast and then 4pm - dinner time. Nothing after dinner.

I think you’ve conflated her hating hiking with her not wanting to do anything at all. I agree with others that you could probably get two other classes for the price of horse-riding.

Finally - her Dad may work away but that doesn’t give him a free pass. Can he take her out cycling? Jogging? We often have to insist our kids come for walks but they always admit they enjoyed it in the end. Is there no point where she enjoys it?

Hey op. My six year old is similar in that she moans about any and all activity. LOVES TV. That's it! Drives me mad. It's a bit easier for me as I have two other kids so they entertain each other so I only permit devices at the weekend. Their behaviour and lethargy is too bad if I allow it any more than that. I would really try to limit the iPad but I know that's hard. But if there is no iPad she will have to find something to else for entertainment. Have you tried museums? Galleries? My daughter does like a few of those and likes the theatre also. I insist she goes swimming and to tennis lessons. She's not allowed to drop them unless it's for some other sport. I am just hoping that we will finally land on something she really enjoys. Good luck.

Also, never ever post for help in aibu. Some of the meanest posters hang out here.

Dd is 10, she’s overweight and obsessed with food. She comes in from school and goes straight to the fridge. She constantly asks for stuff, she sneaks stuff behind my back when I’m in the bath or upstairs.
On days out she constantly asks for food, what’s for lunch even when she’s just had her breakfast. I’m sick of it.

I read this and had a flashback to 9-year-old me squirming with embarrassment as my mother told a friend, in my presence, that she and my father were hoping the weight I had gained was just puppy fat and that I would grow out of it.

Nope - I was deeply deeply unhappy and turning to food for comfort. My parents’ response was to lock the pantry and put me on a diet. My response to that was to steal food, spend all my pocket money on sweets and steal money to buy more.

My parents thought I was greedy and lazy. In actual fact I was developing binge eating disorder.

Your main and most important job is to accept your child for who she is and love her unconditionally. Stop judging her and moaning about the impact on your life. Start wondering what is driving her to behave like this. Hopefully that will lead you to appropriate sources of help and support. Start here:

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/types/binge-eating-disorder

She’s 10! Find out something active that inspires her! Take away iPad /tv (I know, not easy!)
If she’s helping herself to food/snacks -makes sure there is nothing unhealthy she can get her hands on. If mine are hungry they are told there’s bananas in the fruit bowl.
Eating habits start early so please start helping her make healthy choice now

I don't understand why people are being so horrible to you OP! It sounds like you're concerned about your daughter, not judging her, wanting her to have interests, energy and be well physically and psychologically. It sounds really tough. Have you talked to her about your concerns to think about how you might work together to resolve it/meet in the middle? X

Hey OP.
A friend of mine was having this problem with her daughter. Also an only child.
She took away ALL technology and not just for a day - for good. Phone, ipad, everything.
After about a week of mood swings, moaning about everything, complaining, rudeness etc (all usual behaviour) she has changed into a completely different child. Ipads etc are genuinely addictive to chn and they display behaviours associated with addiction without even realising. Mood swings, boredom, laziness, wanting to eat instead etc.
Have you watched the social dilemma yet? That's what prompted my friend to try it. Some kids have no idea how to entertain themselves without technology and now she's doing jigsaws and drawing and enjoying it. She's also enjoying doing things with her parents.
Just an idea but I am honestly gobsmacked by the difference.

@doctorhamster

Bloody hell op your poor dd. You seem to be annoyed with her for not being the 10 year old version of you.

My thoughts entirely! OP, much of what she is doing is what every 10 yo in the country is doing. She’s living through a pandemic at 10, and yet all you can do is whinge and moan about your own child. Why not try to see what she likes, and show an interest. Then develop that from there. Don’t force her to be your mini me. Accept that she is her own person.

I'd restrict her screen time, she shouldn't be on it all day, very addictive. Lay some ground rules re the iPad - maybe she could earn her time but doing something active with you first? I do agree kids especially of her age should be really active but you might have to keep looking for something she's interested in. Have you tried her on any martial art for example?

I meant to say that my friend's child had limited screen time before at regular intervals but it's like an addict getting a hit and then being expected to act like a non-addict in between. Some (many) chn cannot process and manage this shift as they're still just looking forward to their next 'hit'. Cold turkey did the trick.

There is a DIRECT link between unrestricted gadget use and not wanting do things.
Here is why: (you may know this but your post doesn’t suggest it)
Playing Games including roblox and social media including tic tok releases strong dopamine hits for the user. This is to keep playing and rewarding the player / user.
If many dopamine hits every day are achieved this way, the real world seems duller. Literally the joys of life outside the tech are reduced because the dopamine of seeing an animal at the zoo or a beautiful view / flower don’t produce as much of a dopamine hit as some clever game designer has arranged in roblox / fortnite or whatever game. The world seems grey. The only thing that produces those feel good feelings is the game / social media.
It’s exactly the same premise as a gambling addiction just without the money. Please look up why Online gaming is addictive and the effects of gaming and dopamine.
It’s not depression. It’s tech and game addiction.
Why more parents don’t know this is beyond me.

Do be quiet with the addictive personality nonsense. Tapping an iPad talking crap

She’s 10. It can be a hard time for child and parent alike.
But she is still a child.
I would cut back on the snacks you buy.
Try and find time to do some healthy cooking with her. Meal choices and planning etc.
I would make her do an hours exercise with you. No choice. Going for a walk round the block/ swimming when open/ doing an exercise class in front of the tv etc. She would earn the privilege of going on the laptop etc for a set period of time. Moaning would extend the time. When she is older she can make the choices to sit on laptop eating. Whilst she is a child you help her make healthy choices. Good luck op.

@Missingthebridegene: you don’t get it because you probably had an emotionally available mother.

For those who empathise with the child, and criticise the mother, they’ve experienced similar parental criticism/disdain/disapproval and know how damaging it is. As a child, you really need to know you are supported and ACCEPTED by your parents. The OP is the adult. Even the title of her post is abhorrent. Why not: my 10 yo child is depressed, I want to help her, please tell me how!

The girl does sound depressed, and I hope the OP returns to this post and reads closely all comments in support of the girl, and against her - just to see what she might do. I expect both of them will be a lot happier if so!

You are so hostile it’s no wonder you aren’t getting “there there” responses and people being warm and cuddly.

You say you don’t expect your daughter to be a clone of you, but you STILL insist that you’re going to keep hammering her into being outdoorsy and interested in nature. Those are YOUR interests, not hers. You need to help her to find something that SHE loves, not just keep on trying to find a different version of your own interests to force on her. Being active doesn’t have to mean being outdoorsy. Have you looked into swimming? Trampolining? Gymnastics? Street dance? Yoga? Have you really sat her down and tried to understand her at all? She’s had a fucking shit year (as has everyone really) and if she’s only 10 then that’s almost 10% of her life spent being restricted, being unable to spend time with friends etc. She’s probably really struggling.

She sounds absolutely miserable and actually some of her “faults” are things that are very much in your control. She is 10 and she should not be on TikTok. You need to get her off there. It’s completely inappropriate for children. I have TikTok and it’s so easy to lose hours on there. She probably is completely hooked. You need to limit her time on games/tablets etc - 2 hours is still A LOT. You are in charge of what she eats because you choose (or should be choosing) and prepare what she eats - make healthier choices for her and simply don’t buy the food that is causing her weight gain. Put padlocks on cupboards if you need to. If you think she has a genuine issue with food or is excessively hungry then you need to get her seen by a doctor.

If this were my child, I’d be going cold turkey with the electronics for an extended period of weeks and (whilst anticipating major meltdowns) I’d love bomb the shit out of her and intensely focus on HER. What she wants, what she is interested in outside of technology.

Do you control the time she uses screens? You are the parent, get her out of the house whether she wants it or not; Ignore her complaints; keep only healthy snacks in the house and don’t make a fuss about food.

@plussizehumpsuit - what would happen if an overweight 10 year old ate a very modest amount of unprocessed carbs? Let's say 70g per day? No highly processed carbs or sugar. What would happen? Be careful before you make sweeping statements like 'kids need carbs'. Kids need food which meet their nutritional requirements.

@MrsMarrio

And this is why my children aren't getting there own iPad

Well all of my dc have them and they do activities, do well in school, are a healthy weight, and have limited screen time.

The iPad isn’t the problem here...

Does she possibly know you feel like this about her ?

Re read your post , you sound awful , of all people you should be on her side, always.
She is 10 years old everything you do / don't do now could have such an effect on her little life now and in the future.
I hope you like her more than your post implies .