To be so upset about my lazy, overweight ten year old

[Limeandlemon]

Dd is 10, she’s overweight and obsessed with food. She comes in from school and goes straight to the fridge. She constantly asks for stuff, she sneaks stuff behind my back when I’m in the bath or upstairs.
On days out she constantly asks for food, what’s for lunch even when she’s just had her breakfast. I’m sick of it.
She ruins every day out or walk we ever go on. She moans she doesn’t want to walk, she moans she’s bored, she drags her feet and walks about with her face like thunder.
I’m really outdoorsy, I love being out hill walking, bird watching, going to seaside etc but she holds me back and complains about everything.
We took her away for a nights stay in an air b&b in the Cairngorms, an hour from where we live and she complained that nobody else does this stuff, why can’t we just be normal. Why can’t we celebrate Halloween by sitting in eating sweets and watching movies.
She’s so ungrateful.
She’s obsessed with watching YouTube videos and glued to her iPad. I can’t get her interested in anything else.
She goes horse riding once a week and that’s all I can afford, plus corona virus restrictions mean we can’t sign her up to anything else for now.
I work full time and it’s dark when I finish so can’t take her to the park after school now.
She’s an only child and gets bored easily, no play dates with current restrictions but have had a couple of park meetings when I can with her and her friends but can’t manage more than once a fortnight.
I’m at my wits end with her and I’m not enjoying being a parent just now. I almost feel like I have a weight tied to me holding me back from doing anything that I find enjoyable. I just want to have family days out without screaming arguments.
Anyone in the same boat?

I haven't read the full thread but I do think that it's vitally important for you to realise early that your daughter is her own person and won't necessarily enjoy the same things as you. I would take the pressure off, listen to her, take an interest in what she is doing even if it's an online game. Let her take the lead. Make her feel valued. If she picks up that you feel she is lazy etc her self confidence will suffer and ultimately your relationship. Ask her what she would like to do. If you push her to much she will be writing on a " but we took you to outdoor pursuits centres" thread in the future. I am not criticising you btw it is very easy to fall into the error of thinking our children reflect on us and allowing our self image to become connected with them but it is damaging to the child. She is her, you are you.

[quote Ladywinesalot]@Regularsizedrudy

This will blown your mind, I describe my dc as knobheads

Should I expect a knock on the door from social?[/quote]
There's obviously a lot more going on here than occasionally getting annoyed by your children. We all get annoyed with our kids, say things out of earshot. This op is different, and those of us that have lived it from the DDs perspective know that it's already causing her a lot of issues.

Parents aren't perfect, but there's a line between fucking up and getting cross once in a while, and genuine resentment of your child. The latter is whats happening here and its going to take a lot of hard work to undo. Especially if you have unrealistic expectations of your child, where you have failed to set boundaries before.

Your daughter is responding in a way that she is supposed to respond i.e tech is deliberately designed to be addictive - there is a good reason why designers of these items keep their own children away from then until they are old enough to practice the self-restraint required to limit their use. Try not to be too hard on her for that, I'm afraid it's a battle that most parents now face. The over eating might be her way of trying to find some comfort as she will definitely be picking up your negative feelings towards her. On the subject of boredom it is important to let children develop the skills to tolerate this and it can be a temptation to jump in and offer distractions. This is where children can find and develop the power of the imagination but they have to be allowed to sit with the boredom first; it's not going to cause any harm. I hope this is a short-term phase for you otherwise the impact on her self-worth is going to be huge. How are you with accepting that you can't do what you want when you want anymore? Maybe your own tolerance of boredom/frustration is the bigger issue than the one you are presenting here?

I think that no one enjoys sport unless theiyre good at it. Fortunately all my now adult DCs took up sports as teens which they continued into adulthood. What a great social mixer, way to make friends. I remember as a young adult feeling miserable when others went for a game of squash/ swim / game of tennis. I couldn't play anything.
I would get DD to the tennis court once a week or football training, with a bit of walking or running to help it along. Bribe if necessary. But being the one chosen to play for the team/ school / whatever would be the biggest confidence booster. Kids pick things up quickly.

You need to find other ways to connect with your daughter.
I'll be honest ,an overweight 10 year old will hate you for dragging her hiking up the Cairngorms.
Why do you think that she's overweight as you are in control of what food is available to her.
You say that she goes along with her friends on her way to school who pop into the sweety shop... don't give her any money . Just give her the £2.50 for a school dinner or give her no money and send her in with a healthy packed lunch.
I'm sure that you're at your wits' end right now but you mustn't give up.
Stop buying junk food and try to engage her in a more leisurely physical activity. Hill walking is not enjoyable for many people, particularly children.

You're getting a hard time OP.
Kids have the ability to suck the joy out of life sometimes.
As far as the diet goes - I'd try to get more protein into her - it fills you up more than sugary carbs.
It'll eventually get better.
Good luck.

@Limeandlemon 2 hours on the iPad is a lot - is that a reduction?!

I’d seriously contemplating getting rid of it. It’s actually not surprising she has no interests if she’s been on the iPad more than 2 hours every day.

Kids this age really don’t need free access (or really any access) to iPads/ smart phones. Parents need to be more confident and just not allow it.

Horse riding is a great outdoors hobby. Can u ask at the stables if she could help out a few days? Would she like that?

Suggested to DD1(14) who spent most of half term on her phone, if the family could all do a Tik Tok video. She was initially horrified, then I suggested we could learn a dance together, and she sort of warmed to that theme...

What about learning what your DD likes to watch on Tok Tok, which may at least give you an idea about her world and a discussion point?

Have you asked her what she wants to do? As in, actually asked rather than berate her for not enjoying what you do? Could there be more to it? I used to hate going out when I was younger as I was bullied and being home was my comfort, my safe place. I am sure there is something she enjoys?

@CoronaIsWatching

Tell her she can't go horseriding anymore because the horse doesn't have the stamina to carry her.

WTAF?

I’m going to limit screen time to two hours per day

Sorry missed this. Good! and good luck...

I do think that trying to organising a great weekend and having that work out badly is frustrating. I get that. My oldest DS has SEN and really enjoys nothing I can understand at all. We had a really unsucessful visit to Lapland for example- and how can you have an unsuccessful trip to Lapland of all places!! I adored horse riding, and when I took him riding a few years ago he had such hysterics at being on a horse he ended up vomiting. I confess i was devastated and it really- well- HURT inside, if that makes sense. That he did not get the emotional nourishment out of that I did. But the OP sounds so resentful and angry and yes contemptuous of her DD. I think that is what so many of us are reacting to. I have not read the other thread where the DD is being bullied and has anxiety. but she sounds like a profoundly sad little girl, and the OP needs to be her safe place and her One Sure Thing that her DD can count on.

Have these changes come on suddenly since you got married?

I grew up in a family where large amounts of indoor and outdoor exercise were mandatory and I feel really sorry for your DD.

I'm a very active thirty something now with a good career etc and a decent relationship with my parents but it took me years of bulimia and a long time where I basically didn't speak to them before I felt confident enough in who I am and what I want as a person that criticism can't affect me any more.

You need to find what she likes and what would interest her beyond her iPad and TV, because she clearly doesn't enjoy the same things as you. She probably doesn't know herself - but that's your job as her parent, to try and help her find the things that she can enjoy in life.

What sort of thing is she good at? What does she do when she is on her iPad - what sort of things does she watch? Have you tried talking to her about all this? Have you tried taking an interest in the things she finds interesting?

i think its an age thing. I started my periods at 10 and know a few other women that did so she could be dealing with hormones too, that could be making her hungry. I think it best to keep any junk food out of her sight fill the bowl with fruit so she has no other choice if she's hungry. One of my favourites is to grate a dozen carrots and half a dozen apples mix it and sprinkle it with cinnamon let her have a small dish full when she gets a craving. Both her figure and her skin will benefit.

Hi Op, I think that was a hard thing to write and you have my sympathy. That is one of the saddest posts I have ever read. What I would suggest is that you do some training in communication.
‘How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk’ would be a starting point. It’s an old American programme from the 70s, but there will be some more up to date ones in that flavour. I think it will help you break the negative cycle that you are both in. I used to teach a programme along those lines and I can’t tell you how many parents came to me after just one or two sessions to say that they had major breakthroughs with their really difficult kids. It will also hugely benefit you in your life as well on a more personal level, you have absolutely nothing to lose (except a lonely , miserable child and a miserable set of parents.) sending you a hug.

This sounds like me and my mother.

I haven’t seen her in over a year.
We get on better now but I used to be in tears before I had to see her, in my 40s.

Don’t have that relationship with her.

For the record, I was a bookworm who abhorred physical exercise - at least that which was forced on me. If I hadn't been forced, there are things I would very likely have enjoyed and benefited from.

OP, try contacting Compass/Change Makers in your area or get the school to refer you to the local equivalent. We're only two sessions in with our overweight five year old and they've been brilliant x

[quote Plussizejumpsuit]@RandomMess children need carbs that's poor advice.

Also v dodgy with the addictive personality crap[/quote]
Agreed.

Going cold turkey on carbs will make her ill. Maybe as pp said, increase portions of main meals to try and reduce snacking?

I think it’s normal for a 10 year old not to like hill walking! I think when you have kids your interests have to take a bit of a back seat unfortunately. I’d love to spend my weekends on long walks but my two can only walk so far before getting bored so we do a little bit of walking and then things that they enjoy.

While we’re in lockdown could she do more crafts, baking etc and less ipad time? Once lockdown is over could you up the amount of horse riding she does at the weekend? Or try something new like ice skating lessons, climbing, swimming?

She sounds like a distressed child soothing herself with food. Maybe you should seek some help from your GP . It’s possible that you are experiencing stress and this is impacting on her in ways you didn’t realise.
So glad that you have written this here as l feel this is probably a problem lots of parents are going through in Lockdown. Hope you are ok !

I don't think you're being unreasonable to want to go out and get fresh air sometimes. But I'm also wondering about what's 'behind' her attitude to overeating/ going out.

It could be that she's just being a moody preteen and is going through a phase of arguing with everything you want to do. Even though I got on well with my parents, I went through a phase of thumbing my nose at everything I saw as 'their interests', and if you're interests are centered around being outside a lot/ healthy eating/ exercise, perhaps she's just going through a bit of independence/ rebellion.

Also to broach a slightly more sensitive subject, could she be avoiding going out because she feels she has gained weight? Of course this isn't true for everyone and I can only speak from my personal experience, but when I gained a lot of weight, I was embarrassed and avoided going out. I was embarrassed so I then overate as a form of comfort. Could your daughter be doing this? Especially if she feels her weight is an 'issue' (because you mentioned that she seems to feel the need to 'sneak' food behind your back, could it be that she senses your disapproval/ worry and is embarrassed about how much she eats?)

If I were you, I would try not to overreact to her moaning and just laugh it off and show you're still enjoying yourself, (I know it must be frustrating if you've tried to organise something nice, but if she knows she'll get a reaction, she may do it more). I would continue having occasional days out. Hopefully this is just a phase!

I do sympathise with children being dragged out, as I've been there as a child, but at the same time, she needs to realise that she's not the only person in the family, and you have needs too (including getting outdoors). Explain that she can still have screen time when you get home etc, but there needs to be a balance between both your needs.

Mending the relationship would be my priority rather than tackling weight/food/attitude issues.

Trying to find something (anything) that she is willing /happy to do with you and making it a positive experience - focusing on her experience (not yours) for the time being.

Sorting out the other stuff is very important, but won't happen unless you build a bridge first.