To be so upset about my lazy, overweight ten year old

[Limeandlemon]

Dd is 10, she’s overweight and obsessed with food. She comes in from school and goes straight to the fridge. She constantly asks for stuff, she sneaks stuff behind my back when I’m in the bath or upstairs.
On days out she constantly asks for food, what’s for lunch even when she’s just had her breakfast. I’m sick of it.
She ruins every day out or walk we ever go on. She moans she doesn’t want to walk, she moans she’s bored, she drags her feet and walks about with her face like thunder.
I’m really outdoorsy, I love being out hill walking, bird watching, going to seaside etc but she holds me back and complains about everything.
We took her away for a nights stay in an air b&b in the Cairngorms, an hour from where we live and she complained that nobody else does this stuff, why can’t we just be normal. Why can’t we celebrate Halloween by sitting in eating sweets and watching movies.
She’s so ungrateful.
She’s obsessed with watching YouTube videos and glued to her iPad. I can’t get her interested in anything else.
She goes horse riding once a week and that’s all I can afford, plus corona virus restrictions mean we can’t sign her up to anything else for now.
I work full time and it’s dark when I finish so can’t take her to the park after school now.
She’s an only child and gets bored easily, no play dates with current restrictions but have had a couple of park meetings when I can with her and her friends but can’t manage more than once a fortnight.
I’m at my wits end with her and I’m not enjoying being a parent just now. I almost feel like I have a weight tied to me holding me back from doing anything that I find enjoyable. I just want to have family days out without screaming arguments.
Anyone in the same boat?

My ds 12 now is the same rather be in on his ps4 i do let him stay home alone for hour now if am taking dd 5 the park or somewhere but bike rides he has to come mainly because he has gained a little weight these past few months an also just to get him out the house an off the computer he moans and argues telling me its not fair but if he continues he doesn't get togo on ps once home he soon learnt to just get on with it an now enjoys it. I've also started buying a lot more fruit an veg as snacks an cut down buying crisps an biscuits if there not there they can't eat them which was a huge disappointment to them at first but there getting used to grabbing an apple instead of crisps now.

Stop buying biscuits, cakes etc and limit the ipad.

I've had really happy times with my dds walking and being outside doing sporty things so I totally sympathise.

Are there any crafts she'd like?

I'm sorry to say it @Limeandlemon but you really sound like you have an awful attitude towards your daughter.

If she has issues with food and is overweight then I'm sorry to say that you are probably at fault. If you make food a crime you are going to cause far bigger issues than her being overweight. Please for the love of God chill out.

You say you chose the zoo for her, but did you actually bother to ask her if it was something that she wanted to do?

I really think you need to take a long hard look at your attitude towards her. From everything you have said here you hate her and if it is that glaringly obvious to strangers on a forum then I am afraid that it is going to be glaringly obvious to her too.

She doesn't like hill walking, bug deal. I hate it too. There are other options for exercise. Talk to her about what she does enjoy to do. As someone upthread suggested, maybe use pokemon go as a way to get her out and all out if she is into it.

You need to make an effort to find a common ground before you destroy your child.

Presumably your 10 year old has sole responsibility for the groceries that are bought, and therefore what is available in the fridge? You sound so mean and judgmental.

Well you're the one buying food....neither of my DD"s like walking etc but they're not overweight. Because I don't buy biscuits and things.

Change her diet...make it more suitable for her.

If that was my kid the iPad would be gone forever along with ALL junk food. She's still young and can find some new hobbies.

OP I feel for your daughter. She’s not unaware of how you feel towards her. She’s not unaware of her weight or lack of activity but you make the alternative sound so unappealing - a day out with someone who considers their daughter a weight round her neck? No thank you. I too would rather stare at a screen all day and try to escape the reality of being so miserable at home. Your daughter sounds depressed and you’re well on the way to alienating her more. It’s not your daughter that needs to change, it’s you. You need to accept your daughter as she is, stop enabling the overeating and screen addiction by offering attractive alternatives - what she would like... and if there’s nothing right now because of Covid then allow her this time Because it’s doubly hard on her.

OP, I kind of know how you feel, one my DD’s is like this too, it does frustrate me because like you I am a outdoors person, always walking and doing outdoor activities but my dd would rather stay in her room glued to gadgets and moans if she has to walk anywhere. I have booked some lovely holidays in Wales, Dartmoor etc.. only for dd to refuse to get out the car and walk anywhere. My other dd is more outgoing but has started to follow dd1’s lead so if dd1 refuses to do something so will dd2. Every trip out is planned around food “where are we eating?” , “what time are we eating?” and she will ask to take food/drink out with her. It does get a bit annoying so I do feel your pain.

One thing that has helped is getting dd1 into photography, she will now walk a little bit further to take photos and now has a interest in wildlife. I also compromise and tell her she can have food if she walks first (or after) to burn it off.

OP, children are their own selves - they aren’t mini clones of you. That is narcissistic thinking .

Look at her with respect and love as a autonomous person with her own likes and dislikes and encourage her to be the best version of her own self that she can be..

Stop bullying your daughter. Trust me as a child you can tell when your parent hates you. Maybe get some counselling, fix your own problems with expectations and then try to build a better relationship with your daughter.

My goodness!

I can’t see if from both sides. I can see you are at your wits end & DD is being a ten year old & you are struggling to find common ground.

I think the first step, is to find some common ground & do something together which she enjoys & start praising her ( any bloody thing!!) I know it’s so so hard right now. Even if it’s watch YouTube together & talk about it......

For what it’s worth, I’d be at my wits end too. Hugs xx

Poor kid
Maybe you should work less - start earlier, finish earlier, get her dad to pay more & spend some time with her.
10 years old - she didn't ask to be born, so grow up & look after her.

I’m not sure if you’re still reading but I understand your frustration. My teen is reluctant to do anything and I do resent the way it impacts on my weekend!

I think at 10 though you should go cold turkey on the iPad. It will be hell but it’ll be worth it. The lack of attention span I’m sure will be linked.

You say she doesn’t enjoy anything other than her iPad and YouTube etc. Very likely that you’re the problem and she doesn’t enjoy doing anything with YOU because she’s picked up on the way you feel about her. I wouldn’t enjoy cooking/walking/activities with someone who thought I was a fat lazy areshole.

I’m not sure I know any 10 year old that would be thrilled at the prospect of hill walking tbh.

I do think that you can help with the snacking - do not buy anything remotely fattening. I’ve had this with DS2 as he was literally a treats hoover. No biscuits, cakes or crisps in the house. Remove the option to do it, no money for school either, the weight dropped off him quickly.

Also my kids love gaming, and there is Sod all for them to do in lockdown, but I made sure they get a walk every day, doesn’t have to be hours, but activity to get their asses of their play stations. We also bought a basket ball hoop which got them outside a bit too. Good luck 🤞

Most kids would spend their day watching crap on YouTube given half a chance. I think that's pretty normal.

What are her interests? She must be looking at something. Find out what she likes and tap into that. And accept that it may be something you are not remotely interested in. (I say this as the parent of a train-obsessed boy who refuses to engage with many things that kids are meant to like. We spent the last lockdown studying train routes and making station signs for the garden. It is utterly tedious sometimes but it is the best way to engage him.)

@Rotundandhappy

Jesus Christ. MN is getting to be so bad for my mental health. This thread is vicious even by MN standards. Where the fuck is the support? The responses on this thread show why MN has become a laughing stock. Posters gunning for the OP, seeming to enjoy being total cunts and then totally unchecked posters like *@PhilSwagielka* who sound completely off their heads.

The irony of lecturing about mental health then calling people cunts and using language like “off their heads”.

I would just persevere with the walks and take a friend for her whenever you can (I appreciate Covid makes that tricky). One of my children complained a lot on walks in the past but we persevered and it improved. I also have one who is quite food obsessed. I limit treats but allow as many apples/ chunks of cheese as she likes which has worked well for us.

Wow OP, you are defensive to adults on here who disagree with you so I can only imagine what you're like to your poor daughter!

You keep saying you went on holiday/to the zoo etc for her as if it's this big sacrifice she should be hugely grateful for, but if it's not something she wanted to do, it's not FOR HER and it's not a treat. Imagine how annoyed you'd be if someone made you give up your weekend that you'd wanted to spend hillwalking (doing your interests) and made you go to the spa/watch a football match/go to the theatre/spend all day in church, or something you have absolutely no interest in, and then when you didn't enjoy it moaned about how ungrateful and horrible you are!

Ironically you keep saying your daughter isn't interested in anything other than eating or playing or her ipad but have named at least three outdoorsy things she does like: horse riding, playing with friends, paddleboarding, so I'm sure there are more. Yet you've found reasons why you can't do any of these things - it sounds like you will literally only be happy if she likes the exact same things as you, which is really egocentric.

Paddleboarding near me costs £10 for 90mins so you could have had five sessions of that for the price of your zoo entry which none of you wanted to do. Playing with her friends is completely free, whereas a hotel stay would have cost you a fair few quid. You say she can't always bring a friend - why not when it's a free activity or the parent might be happy to pay for the friends' place? I'm not one to say anything negative about only children but when you're doing something you don't like often having a friend with you is what can make it fun.

You need to accept your daughter has her own interests which are not the same as yours, and if you specifically want her to do more active hobbies and spend less time on her ipad (which is reasonable need to work out a way to facilitate that so she is doing active hobbies she enjoys and not the ones you think she should enjoy because you do.

You sound appalling, bitchy about your own daughter, and genetically blessed.

She sounds like she isn't.

That's on you, you chose her father, she didn't.

Your poor daughter. If she has some issues then that's for you to be the adult, the mother, and address them. She may well be going through a growth spurt or be comfort eating.

I know we're all a bit stressed at the moment, but you sound horrible. Get a grip.

I hated hill walking as a child and it was my family’s hobby. I had extreme anxiety about being away from ‘safe’ places and hill walking was horrific for me as I didn’t know how long it was going to take and when I would be able to get back home. I was always worried about being sick or needing the toilet and being away from an easily accessible toilet used to give me panic attacks. Could your DD be suffering from something similar?

You sound like you hate the poor kid

She didn't become overweight overnight and a prepubescent 10 year old often carries a bit of weight. It's not a personality fault. Hormones at that age can make them
Permanently hungry. You need to make sure she's getting plenty of protein & good fats - not as I suspect you're doing & trying to cut all fat out.

Does she have 'fun' outdoor stuff (bike/trampoline/skateboard) or is it all just about 'worthy' walking/hiking?

She wanted to eat sweets & watch Halloween movies... like the vast majority of the country last night. It's really not a crime.

Making her unhappy about her weight is only going to set her up for a lifetime of issues.

Take her tech off her, let her get bored. Let her find other things to do. Offer to play a game or draw with her. Something she can get interested in - but you need to let her get screen free first. NO point in asking while she has a screen in her hands.

Love her
Hug her
Tell her she's amazing/beautiful/funny/clever - whatever you can genuinely manage.

Where were you on holiday? It sounds like it was a holiday for you rather than one designed around her wants and needs.

Has your daughter got a Xbox or switch. You can buy things like just dance or ring fit where you could both play it and she is getting exercise as well as playing games. Don’t have sweets and crisps etc in the house. Have you got a car you can keep them in so you can be in charge of what she is having without depriving her as she is more likely to binge when older. Good luck I know how difficult pre teen age years are.

Oh and about my ‘mandatory walks’ there is significantly less wingeing if they listen to music on earphones as they go, so it might start off sulkily but generally improves and we are chatting half way around.