To be so upset about my lazy, overweight ten year old

[Limeandlemon]

Dd is 10, she’s overweight and obsessed with food. She comes in from school and goes straight to the fridge. She constantly asks for stuff, she sneaks stuff behind my back when I’m in the bath or upstairs.
On days out she constantly asks for food, what’s for lunch even when she’s just had her breakfast. I’m sick of it.
She ruins every day out or walk we ever go on. She moans she doesn’t want to walk, she moans she’s bored, she drags her feet and walks about with her face like thunder.
I’m really outdoorsy, I love being out hill walking, bird watching, going to seaside etc but she holds me back and complains about everything.
We took her away for a nights stay in an air b&b in the Cairngorms, an hour from where we live and she complained that nobody else does this stuff, why can’t we just be normal. Why can’t we celebrate Halloween by sitting in eating sweets and watching movies.
She’s so ungrateful.
She’s obsessed with watching YouTube videos and glued to her iPad. I can’t get her interested in anything else.
She goes horse riding once a week and that’s all I can afford, plus corona virus restrictions mean we can’t sign her up to anything else for now.
I work full time and it’s dark when I finish so can’t take her to the park after school now.
She’s an only child and gets bored easily, no play dates with current restrictions but have had a couple of park meetings when I can with her and her friends but can’t manage more than once a fortnight.
I’m at my wits end with her and I’m not enjoying being a parent just now. I almost feel like I have a weight tied to me holding me back from doing anything that I find enjoyable. I just want to have family days out without screaming arguments.
Anyone in the same boat?

OP I'm not sure why your getting such a hard time, I would be fed up of my girls if they were the same. The rules in our house are only ipad time at weekend. Any snacks have to be asked for but I do a mix of 'good' and 'bad' things. I try not to say no so i will only let them have carrots or pepper or something like that if I feel like its boredom eating. Our girls don't whinge about outdoor time but I do try and have one day a week where they can slob about a bit. However we did have a holiday to Anglesey this year and we said we wouldn't do it again as its just a tad boring for children luckily the weather was OK so we spent a lot of time at the beach which they love. I would sit down with her and outline some new rules.

You can't bitch about her sitting on her iPad all day if you aren't going to do anything about it. Of course she likes it. It's easy. Same reason adults have our noses in our phones so often. Take it away and things will improve.

OP if you had come on here saying that you were happy to let your overweight child sit on her iPad and eat all day you’d have got even more stick than you are getting now for saying you’re not happy about it, such is the way of Mumsnet . I think you’re doing a good job in your attempts to get your DD interested in doing other things, but as they are not working I would go as far as taking the iPad off her completely during the day and I would make my house a junk free zone too. Good luck.

@Regularsizedrudy

This will blown your mind, I describe my dc as knobheads

Should I expect a knock on the door from social?

Ah, I see the OP says she won’t be reading this. Oh well. Hope it’s useful to someone else then!

I read this and thought my parents could have written it and I felt a wave of shame and guilt. But looking at this with adult eyes the shame shouldn't lie with me.

My parents were self absorbed at best. Food was the only thing that comforted me. I was and I'm still obsessed with food. I've got a history of terrible mental health. Self harming, zero self esteem and suicidal thoughts. My life is finally on the up but I'm 48 years old. I hope you can find a way to make your daughter feel important and cherished and not a disappointment or at the very least be a blip on your radar.

It sounds like both of you are struggling right now and probably both with good reason.

Do you know what she's struggling with that's causing her to want food all the time and to not want to leave the house? Because to be honest, it sounds like she's trying to escape something that's causing her some kind of massive emotional pain and if that's the case she's going to need help from you to communicate about it, learn how to deal with it so food and screen time is not her only recourse, and how to move forwards with you as her champion and supporter.

If you could both communicate and be honest (without blame) you could figure out some solutions together. I don't think there will be an easy fix or a fast, one-time solve, but have a think about what you could do to approach this situation differently. You're working hard already, you just haven't found the right solution yet - maybe that book how to talk so kids will listen (or similar if that's too young)? I've seen people recommend it on here a few times.

I know I love her dearly and I don’t need to prove that to anyone.

Yes you do, you need to prove it to your daughter.

I think the reason OP is getting a hard time is because lots of posters can see a deeply unhappy child not getting the support they need.

Op I know you’re not planning on coming back, but just in case you do: two hours is far too much for a 10 year old. (It’s too much for a 40 year old!) it might help if you get her on board with the less screen time by watching something like the Social Dilemma together. I suggested it up thread, but it is a very powerful programme.

Good luck, it sounds tough.

First, I think a lot of parents make the mistake of thinking that this is a toddler and you can control their food intake in exactly the same way as a toddler. Even if it worked temporarily, she's 10, so is much more independent now, so presumably has pocket money, will start to walk home on her own or with friends, goes to parties on weekends, goes out with grandparents- the opportunities to over eat on sweets and sugary things are endless if you are obsessed by it and oriented to it.

You cannot police a 10 year old or an 11-16 year old girl into being slimmer, and looking at them with disgust and thinking of them as 'lazy and overweight' will just trigger more eating in them. There's actually evidence to suggest this- that weight stigma results in heavier people, not thinner people.

I know this is very hard to hear, and it may mean your dd is overweight for some time to come, but I think you have to stop worrying about her weight, and start loving her as the person she is.

Continue to make healthy choices in your own shopping, buy her the healthy food she likes, and model good choices yourself. I don't even see anything wrong with saying out loud that it's all about choices and if we choose to eat a whole tub of ice-cream, we probably would be overweight if we kept doing it. But you can't guilt a 10 year old into wanting to be slimmer, she probably feels out of control and stressed by the unsettling time we are having and the fact her mother is clearly extremely unhappy with who she is and her body (yes, I know it's hard not to be, I've been there).

Ultimately, at some point in her teen years, SHE and not you will have to take control of her own eating, and decide what exercise she'd like to take, and how she'd like to look. It might take a while, but the absolutely best thing you can do is pretend (fake it til you make it) like you are disinterested in her weight, and that you absolutely value her as a person. That you are happy to buy healthy food for her, or support her to exercise or to buy nice clothes, but that you accept her how she is. Yes, you might have a few years of her squeezing into too tight clothes, but at some point, when she feels valued she may start to make healthier choices, even get into diet and exercise, or it may be she gets vain and decides she doesn't want to be overweight when her friends are slimmer. Or she may not.

Valuing her and making it clear that whatever size she is, she's wonderful is the way to go. Full stop. Even if you managed to control her eating for another year or two and stopped her going out with friends, walking home, eating at parties, threw yourself in front of her second portion of carbs- that's you controlling it, and it won't work long term.

I agree with whoever suggested love bombing. Follow her interests for a day, listen to her, bond with her. She can hear your sighing and eye rolling that she's not the daughter you want. Stop that and reset the relationship and forget about weight because ultimately having a happy daughter is more important than anything, including weight.

Has it ever occurred to you @Limeandlemon that your DD may also be depressed and DON’T say what has she got to be depressed about?!!
She has been bullied at school, did you ever find out why that was? She must realise that you don’t like her, because you don’t. I had a horrible time with my parents when growing up and I’m an only child and now I don’t speak to either of them. This year has been difficult for everyone. I think at some point perhaps you and your daughter may have to think about going for therapy. You sound like you both need it. Can’t you find something that you both like to do? If she is an only child she will know that you don’t like her. The comfort eating is either because she is bored, fed up, depressed or lonely. You do not want this to become an eating disorder. You are the adult. She needs your help, not your anger..good luck...

She sounds really anxious to me. Screens and food are soothing.

One of my kids doesn't like open ended country walks, outdoorsy days, she finds them anxiety inducing as she doesn't know where we're going /has no control.

What would her ideal world look like?
If she did swimming, gymnastics, dance class, cheerleading, horse riding, play dates, sleepovers, cinema trips, would those kind of things make her happy?
Obviously this is impossible at the moment and you say you work full time but try to think about a world where she would be really fulfilled - is this worth time/ money?
The more active and happy she is the less she'll comfort eat.

She'll have left home before you know it and then you can ramble and hike to your hearts content.

Your dd sounds like my SD. from being little she has hated going for walks. We do drag her out but try and make it worth her while-going via a shop to get a bar of chocolate. (she's not too food obsessed but is obsessed with her ipad and phone also).
My son is more outdoorsy so its always a compromise. We live about an hour from Cairngorms also and do feel frustrated sometimes that we can't just go and walk/cycle!
Again, its compromise. we take them with a promise of tubing (great fun!) or petting the reindeer or a chippy at Smiffy's or a hot choc at the cafe!
Don't know if you can try that? it doesn't always work especially now SD is hormonal but she knows regular fresh air is good for her and that she will do some excercise! If not, the ipad and phone get taken off her!
We do geocaching too which she used to enjoy but is more interested in her phone!
All I can suggest is try talking to her and see if you can come to some agreement? good luck, its not easy I know!

@mynameiscalypso

I think the reason OP is getting a hard time is because lots of posters can see a deeply unhappy child not getting the support they need.

Bingo.

And we know how the new kind’ mantra is used as a shield for inadequate parents to hide behind and allow the child to remain the focus of blame and resentment.

Fridge needs to be full of healthy food, no snacks or carbs in the house, that way whatever she finds won't be detrimental to her health.

Accept she has different interests to you, and perhaps suggest some 'fun' activities like ice skating (after the lockdown) dancing disco in the kitchen and things like that. Hiking is boring for most children at this age

Take her to a theme park, hours of walking!

Limit screen time as you have said you will do

Don't judge her, show some respect for her as an individual, she is your only little girl - make the most of her

@Legooo

Wow, you’re amazing, in fact, fuck me the BEST parent I have ever come across EVER!

Have a gold star for not having a problem that someone else has

Oh op its hard at that age, they've outgrown toys but in this current situation they can't just meet up with friends and play out or go on bike rides.

I'm not patronising you but I would just lower expectations, get stocked up on healthy snacks and maybe as a pp suggested get a WiFi and do some fitness games together or Just Dance. She'll be a teenager soon enough and then you won't see her for dust.

I thought all kids constantly moan about being hungry and being dragged on walks, she sounds like a pretty normal 10 year old

@SpookyRhubarbYoghurt

My mother was always annoyed with me for not being what she wanted me to be - basically someone who reflected well on her. She was ashamed of my weight also- even now before she comes to visit I cut out all the tags in my clothes as she loks to see what size I am. I am 46 with a long history of eating disorders

I moved continents partly to get away from her.

anyway I have DSs aged 9 and 11. They are obsessed with roblox and devices. Preetyt normal at this age I think especially with lockdown meaning it is the only way they can interact with friends.

This is someone who has been through it. Someone who sounds empathetic. All children want is empathy. Some people have none. They will defend their actions and blame others. Hmmm.

OP do you set a limit on iPad time? If not why not?

I think there is a clear middle ground for your and your DD. She needs to spend less time on the screen. You need to find things to do with her that she likes and don’t expect her to like hill walks and bird watching or indeed zoos. There will be something else she likes, you just need to find it...

It all starts by restricting screen time. Screen time is like the junk food of activities, it’s so easy and so addictive that many of us are not going to bother with anything else while it’s available. Especially children who have not formed other interests in a pre screen era (unlike our generation). Only with less screen time will she and you start finding out what else she is interested in.

Our rule is screens only after 4.30pm or on weekend mornings, and not at all on school nights. I do get plenty of whinging about this (and the odd tantrum) but gradually the whinging decreases if you hold firm, and they do start finding other more interesting things to do. You have to be available to listen to her interests though, even if they are nothing like yours.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable. She needs to learn that life isn’t just about her wants. At 10 she can go for a walk without whining. And if she can’t, then take her iPad away and don’t let her have it when she gets home.

Why should she get to dictate what you do, all of the time? I’m sure you do plenty of things for her, that you’re not that interested in.
I’ve got two children, I’m a single parent. Sometimes they would like to stay in all day, but I want to go for a walk on the beach/in the countryside. I tell them that family is about everyone’s wants and needs, not just theirs.
Limit her time on the screens, and reduce the time when she whinges. Give her alternatives eg books, crafts, offers to bake etc and then ignore her.
And she can earn extra time on her iPad by going out for walks without complaining.

[quote Ladywinesalot]@Legooo

Wow, you’re amazing, in fact, fuck me the BEST parent I have ever come across EVER!

Have a gold star for not having a problem that someone else has [/quote]
Yeah, only the very best of us don’t bitch about a small child when the blame and responsibility rests solely on us for causing a problem in the first place.

If it makes you feel better to think that that is some unrealistic and impossible standard, you go ahead and carry on mocking.

WiiFit not WiFi

Maybe if she liked being in your company she would enjoy spending time with you? Or maybe she knows deep down that you dislike her and her only way of dealing with your contempt at the tender age of 10 is to rail against you?