To be so upset about my lazy, overweight ten year old

[Limeandlemon]

Dd is 10, she’s overweight and obsessed with food. She comes in from school and goes straight to the fridge. She constantly asks for stuff, she sneaks stuff behind my back when I’m in the bath or upstairs.
On days out she constantly asks for food, what’s for lunch even when she’s just had her breakfast. I’m sick of it.
She ruins every day out or walk we ever go on. She moans she doesn’t want to walk, she moans she’s bored, she drags her feet and walks about with her face like thunder.
I’m really outdoorsy, I love being out hill walking, bird watching, going to seaside etc but she holds me back and complains about everything.
We took her away for a nights stay in an air b&b in the Cairngorms, an hour from where we live and she complained that nobody else does this stuff, why can’t we just be normal. Why can’t we celebrate Halloween by sitting in eating sweets and watching movies.
She’s so ungrateful.
She’s obsessed with watching YouTube videos and glued to her iPad. I can’t get her interested in anything else.
She goes horse riding once a week and that’s all I can afford, plus corona virus restrictions mean we can’t sign her up to anything else for now.
I work full time and it’s dark when I finish so can’t take her to the park after school now.
She’s an only child and gets bored easily, no play dates with current restrictions but have had a couple of park meetings when I can with her and her friends but can’t manage more than once a fortnight.
I’m at my wits end with her and I’m not enjoying being a parent just now. I almost feel like I have a weight tied to me holding me back from doing anything that I find enjoyable. I just want to have family days out without screaming arguments.
Anyone in the same boat?

Completely sympathise, and I would find it really frustrating too.

Would she walk more willingly with earphones and music etc.? I remember dd spending an entire holiday plugged into Harry Potter audiobooks, it was a bit of a waste France, but it meant she came along with us with moderately good grace.

Get a dog. It’s transformed our lives & made the DC so keen to be out & about.

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants

You sound like you hate the poor kid

She didn't become overweight overnight and a prepubescent 10 year old often carries a bit of weight. It's not a personality fault. Hormones at that age can make them
Permanently hungry. You need to make sure she's getting plenty of protein & good fats - not as I suspect you're doing & trying to cut all fat out.

Does she have 'fun' outdoor stuff (bike/trampoline/skateboard) or is it all just about 'worthy' walking/hiking?

She wanted to eat sweets & watch Halloween movies... like the vast majority of the country last night. It's really not a crime.

Making her unhappy about her weight is only going to set her up for a lifetime of issues.

Take her tech off her, let her get bored. Let her find other things to do. Offer to play a game or draw with her. Something she can get interested in - but you need to let her get screen free first. NO point in asking while she has a screen in her hands.

Love her
Hug her
Tell her she's amazing/beautiful/funny/clever - whatever you can genuinely manage.

This!

I think it's an age thing my nearly 10 year old would happily stay at home every weekend but we have a rule he must come for an hours walk each day. He can choose where we walk, and choose 1 snack to take with him and if he moans then he looses I pad time. Works well most of the time 🙂
I like to get out for a walk it makes me feel better but I compromise by letting him choose the place. Sometimes he says you choose today mum

Wow I think there are some really nasty vipers on this thread. Can a mother not rant with frustration? She's doing her best, you should all be much kinder!!

it's really poignant and telling that several people have come on here to say that their relationship with their parents was distant, cold, unempathetic, and that now in middle years, they never see them.
and they are trying to warn OP not to let that dynamic develop with her DD.
others, who have had good enough parents don't really get it.

Your tone is awful OP you need to re-evaluate your parenting skills - it’s your responsibility to ensure a 10 year old has a healthy diet

She's 10. She wants to do what 10 year olds do. Not what 40 year olds do.
Could you try getting into more fun outdoor activities? Mountain biking, roller skating, skateboarding, gokarting/motocross. How often does she get to pick what activity you do?
I remember being that age and getting so frustrated going on walks with my dad because it was so slow and boring and I wanted entertainment. Now I love hiking, ive climbed many a mountain and have wild camped on secluded scottish islands (I dont recommend it). Find something adrenaline based, that is entertaining. But also allow her the downtime she needs, schools hard and stressful, and kids have even more stress on their plate atm, wanting to spend Halloween watching movies and eating popcorn and sweets is really very normal, wanting to spend it in a secluded cabin is not.

Tightly limit the iPad. They're horrendously addictive. All that instant gratification is no good for anyone let alone a developing brain. She'll protest initially but she'll eventually have to find other means of entertainment.

Also OP - is there anything you like about your daughter? Ever given her a compliment? No wonder she wants to go home and spend time on screens when you're so vile to her

She sounds like me at that age. I was obsessed with food because I was lonely and bored and quite honestly if she is overweight that's on you. The vibes you are sending her now will stay with her for life, I am now in my fifties and don't have much time for my parents.

I think the iPad needs to go, I would start with a two week ban and then reintroduce with strict limitations.

My dd hated walking but did enjoy swimming, cycling or going on her scooter. With regards to exercise there will be something she likes but you'll probably have to just keep trying different things (I appreciate over lockdown this is more difficult.)

Does she like animals/dogs? Could you borrow a dog and offer to walk it?

I reckon if you got rid of the iPad she would discover something else she enjoys doing but you'll have to go through the pain of removing it first.

The food issues sound like comfort eating, my teen dd is recovering from an ED so I'd be very wary of making an issue of it.

FFS some of you really are nasty little cows aren’t you. If she really hated her daughter she wouldn’t be on her desperately looking for advise. Must be so hard for you all being the perfect parent.

My step daughter is similar but she’s an older teen. Spends all weekend in her bedroom blinds closed, lights on binging on chocolate and crisps on her iPad . She’s apparently the same at her mum’s house. I think it’s the times we live in and covid certainly hasn’t helped !

I’ve just skimmed, but it feels like you’ve made not being on screens a thing - which I get. They’re such knobheads at times (my youngest is 10).

There are a few things we’ve done to drag away from screen time. I won’t assume they’ll deffo work for you, but they worked for us. Also as an aside - DH are both outdoorsy.

1. Designated screen time timetable
2. Different levels (Netflix / YouTube / gaming)
3. An outside activity we all enjoy (ie we go to football and stand in the rain, so you go for this walk with us and neither of us complain)
4. Board games - TOTAL GAME CHANGER
5. Asking her for suggestions for other stuff you can do as a family.

Good luck! X

Your DD will be on the Stately Homes thread in 15 years

Why don't you find another activity to do inside not related to food? Origami, cross stitch, colour by numbers for older kids? These are all reasonably cheap and available on amazon. You could even include the iPad by finding tutorials on YouTube?

We limit screen time and use these kind of activities on none screen days.

@SpeccyLime

I think you need to make space for both of your preferences about what to do. She chooses the activity one time, you choose the next. Model the behaviour you want to see in her, so show an interest in her activities and participate willingly in what she wants to do. Then you can explain that you expect the same in return.

This.

I have one who is very different from me, and this is true.

My DM was like you OP. Always trying to turn me into a mini, mirror image of herself. News flash I’m not her. I’m own person with my own likes. Im an individual. So is your DD. Get off her back or you’ll ruin your relationship

You need to work on your parenting skills otherwise your child will grow to hate you. She's not you. She's her own person. Get over it. Ask her what she would like to do and adjust your schedule to accommodate then next time you choose.

Hi.
I would ask her if she has any worries or concerns in her life, as this is what may be causing her to turn to food.

I wasn’t wanted I sat bored for hours unless I could disappear to my room or read books, today I love books and jigsaws on my iPad, I ditched my family years ago, nothing in common with them.

I hate threads like these when everybody piles on with the judgement and criticism.

If I were you, I would take away the iPad. No child needs an iPad. I have a 2.5 year old. He is not allowed to watch TV because we noticed that his mood and energy levels were so much better when he didn’t watch any. When we used to let him watch even a little bit, that was all he wanted to do. He whined for it nonstop from the moment he woke up. Without it, he is happy and active. I know your daughter is much older but it could be a similar thing. TV has no value whatsoever. It’s an entirely passive pastime. If she’s going to be sitting around she could at least be doing something that requires her to use her brain or her creativity or whatever. What sort of things was she interested in before the iPad?

You are being awful ffs. If she's bullied it's probably emotional eating. If not that, have you checked her thyroid, iron levels, insulin, blood sugar?

Regarding the ipad, do you even know what she's interested in?

If you wanted someone to follow you around and do what you want you should have gotten a dog

I totally understand your post and could have written it myself! My Dd has been diagnosed with high functioning Autism and is doing great at school and with friends etc. But she will not stop eating, stealing food etc. She will cry for hours and totally ruin any walk/exercise we do if we make her go. She has opted out of team sports at school and is now very over weight. Am so so worried about this but not sure what to do. Op , you are not alone, wish I could give some advice but struggling myself with it all! X