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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hate partner wearing ex Wedding anniversary gift

165 replies

AllABitOdd · 31/10/2020 20:35

Okay, totally prepared to say I'm being unreasonable.

DP and I have been living together for 2 years. No issues, totally see a future together. In fact, it feels like we should have always been together.
Except we haven't. He had a brief marriage before meeting me. Was already on the rocks by the 2nd anniversary. Divorced before the 3rd.

Problem I had no s she bought him an expensive watch for their first anniversary (thousands of pounds- something I could never afford) and he still wears it and I hate it. He has kind of mentioned about selling it/part exchanging it but hasn't.

I don't know why but I just hate it. It constantly reminds me that's at some point he had planned a future with someone else.

I almost want to push harder for him to sell it or trade it in for a different one?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
AllABitOdd · 31/10/2020 21:47

@Igotthemheavyboobs we had a (unfortunately, looking back) FWB type arraignment before settling down together- during this time we both probably over shared about past relationships.

I don't regret what we had as it led us to where we are now, and we are very happy, but I wished we hadn't over shared. It's brought about some insecurities, which probably wouldn't be there if we had have dated in preparation for a relationship IYSWIM

OP posts:
Thecobwebsarewinning · 31/10/2020 21:48

I have some beautiful jewellery (earrings, necklace, bracelet etc not engagement or eternity rings) my DH has paid for over the years. If we split up tomorrow I wound keep wearing all those pieces because I love them and chose them for their beauty not any sentimental reasons. I would be very pissed off if any future partner wanted me to stop wearing them.

Pinkyxx · 31/10/2020 21:49

I still have my engagement ring & wedding ring from exh. Whilst I don't wear them, they are bloody lovely diamonds (my wedding ring was a diamond eternity band - very ott when I think of it ...).

I've thought of having the diamond re-set as seems a terrible waste & 2nd hand I'd get a fraction of their worth... 10 years later they still remind me of him so I haven't. Different to a watch though, not sentimental..

SimonJT · 31/10/2020 21:50

@AllABitOdd

Thank you *@Eckhart*

@SimonJT I can see what you are saying. And I understand you are under no obligation to get rid of them. I'm not sure I could handle my partner wearing a wedding ring in his ring finger though I'll be honest!! You must have a very secure partner

You have to remember its just a bit of pretty metal, that should never undo or make a relationship less secure. Unless its “my precious” obviously.
Heyahun · 31/10/2020 21:50

I didn’t call you any names? I said you have some self esteem issues - which is exactly what’s going on here - you are jealous of his past

If you can’t get past it - more stuff will come up and you’ll probably scare him off. That’s all I was saying.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 31/10/2020 21:53

@nancybotwinbloom

I get it.

But it's just a watch.

Doesn't mean anything he just likes the watch by the sound of it.

If if was to divorce my DH I wouldn't get rid of my tits just because he bought them for me Grin

What if he demanded one of them as part of the share-out of assets?
SentientAndCognisant · 31/10/2020 21:54

It’s nowt more than a fancy watch. He kept the watch, and binned the wife
The pricey watch is an item he’s aesthetically attached to, that’s all

Mochudubh · 31/10/2020 21:54

Let it go. It's from before you were together . It doesn't sound like it's sentimental, it's a nice watch and he likes it.

Didntgetmydiamondring · 31/10/2020 21:55

@BigBadVoodooHat

Maybe in a few years it will go back up again in value and we can get rid of it

“We”? Hmm

That was leaping out at me too!

Op YABVU.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 31/10/2020 21:56

I agree with some posters about insecurity.
You may be secured in your relationship but the fact that you can't deal with not being the one and only serious relations signals that you are not secure in yourself.

Most people have some history and something from that hostory. Some have watch, some have children, some have jewelry, some just someone small. Some nothing. Erasing past is weak. It's insecure. It's not ok and I would go as far as dangerous for one's mind.

waterproofed · 31/10/2020 21:56

YABU.

I wear the watch DH’s ex gave him for one of his birthdays. It’s nice.

yelyah22 · 31/10/2020 21:57

YABU, sorry. If I broke up with OH now I would have countless bits of jewellery and clothes and artwork etc he bought me - I'm not going to get rid of them just because someone else doesn't like being reminded of the fact I had a history before them.

Everyone has a history - although I do get feeling weird about it briefly. When I first got with OH I nicked a pair of his pyjama bottoms to wear because they were comfy and they became 'mine'. About 6 months later I asked why he had them (he owns no other pyjamas) and he said his ex had bought them - I did a tiny mental sulk for 30 seconds that I'd been wearing them and then got over it because the fact that he'd had girlfriends before me in his early 30s was... Pretty much unavoidable? And in long term relationships you tend to buy each other things, and (with the exception of engagement rings) to get rid of everything they ever bought you would be weird and wasteful! Especially if it was expensive and presumably you like it because it was bought to your taste.

Mummae21 · 31/10/2020 21:57

@Heyahun

Omg 😆 seriously you have self esteem issues or something you need to get some help for - it’s just a watch! Everyone has a past - he’s not with her anymore - he likes the watch - why not wear it?

I have a lovely fur coat my ex got for me - I still wear it now even though I’m married to someone else now - no way am I ditching that coat! I love it !

Not very nice of you to say she has self esteem issues that she needs help for. Hmm

OP I get where you're come from, but he's with you now. He probably just really likes the watch! X

Oncemorewithfeelin · 31/10/2020 21:57

If it bothers you so much you better get saving your money to enable you to afford to buy him a replacement.

You know Yabu.

Cocomarine · 31/10/2020 21:58

It’s just a watch, and as you - it’s not a sentimental thing to him.
I’m a fan of practical presents - my car stereo was a birthday present from my XH. If second husband preferred me to change it - you’d think that was just silly, I expect.
The watch isn’t much different.

Original poster
AllABitOdd · 31/10/2020 21:58

@Heyahun no you're right @Ohtherewearethen did the name calling.

You stated OMG how insecure are you with a laughing emoji. Came on here prepared to be told IABU. But didn't expect to be laughed at. It felt like you were laughing and making fun of me

OP posts:
Igotthemheavyboobs · 31/10/2020 22:00

[quote AllABitOdd]@Igotthemheavyboobs we had a (unfortunately, looking back) FWB type arraignment before settling down together- during this time we both probably over shared about past relationships.

I don't regret what we had as it led us to where we are now, and we are very happy, but I wished we hadn't over shared. It's brought about some insecurities, which probably wouldn't be there if we had have dated in preparation for a relationship IYSWIM[/quote]
I was more joking about the not telling you thing, I have been with my dp for over 10 years. We were not each others first serious relationship.

There is probably nothing we don't know about each other at this point. You are going to have to get over this otherwise you will not be able to move on in a healthy relationship.

Overly caring about stuff like this is controlling, I would not accept it from a partner and I don't think it's harmless when the woman is the perpetrator.

Jelousy is an ugly trait, he was married, his life will have memories of his ex. If you can't handle that I think you need to reevaluate if this is the right relationship for you.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/10/2020 22:04

guys, in general, are far less sentimental about STUFF than women. He won't be staring it thinknig its 3 o-clock, its the time of day she used to give me a Sunday blow job or reminiscing over the moment when she gave it to him and her fingers lingered as she fastened it for him. Its a watch. a bloody expensive one. that's it.

and remember that his relationship with her led him to you. you can'y separate him from his past, he wouldn't be who he is without that failed marriage.

Original poster
AllABitOdd · 31/10/2020 22:08

@SleepingStandingUp

guys, in general, are far less sentimental about STUFF than women. He won't be staring it thinknig its 3 o-clock, its the time of day she used to give me a Sunday blow job or reminiscing over the moment when she gave it to him and her fingers lingered as she fastened it for him. Its a watch. a bloody expensive one. that's it.

and remember that his relationship with her led him to you. you can'y separate him from his past, he wouldn't be who he is without that failed marriage.

GrinGrinas much as that is a terrible thing to make me think of- it did make me lol!
OP posts:
SentientAndCognisant · 31/10/2020 22:09

I had an ex who bought me perfume,books,DVD and cd, hell yea I continued to use when he was long gone and I had other men on the go

Balloondog · 31/10/2020 22:10

@AllABitOdd it does sound like an immature jealousy tbh. As others have said, unless you meet VERY young, everyone has a past. My DH has been married before and even wore the watch his ex-wife gave him on our wedding day, he loves it not her so why would I care? This is your issue to get over, it is not for your DP to placate you. Be very careful, this kind of jealousy can poison and eventually destroy a relationship.

Nicknacky · 31/10/2020 22:11

AllABitOdd Do you not have a single thing that an ex has bought you?

MonicaBelulaGellar · 31/10/2020 22:13

If if was to divorce my DH I wouldn't get rid of my tits just because he bought them for me

Brilliant 😂😂😂😂😂

GenevaL · 31/10/2020 22:13

He likes and wears the watch but divorced the giver. It says he likes the watch more than her, and why not if it’s a lovely watch. He’s emotionally detached from it. I wouldn’t have a problem with this!

2020iscancelled · 31/10/2020 22:17

The thing to remember is not everyone looks at things with the same eyes as you. Not everyone feels the same.

For example I am NOT a sentimental person in terms of gifts, dates, places etc. I have a fairly expensive watch from an ex of many years ago and I occasionally wear it bc it’s lovely and it looks nice with formal clothes and I like it. I do not associate it with my ex AT ALL.

Now I have a friend who every single thing you can think she will associate it with a date or a person or a place... if you go to a certain town it reminds her of an ex, a certain food smell it reminds her of an ex, every other month there is an anniversary of something or other which has happened to them... it’s exhausting tbh but that’s her prerogative.

Everyone is different, expecting your ex to get rid of something he likes and enjoys because of feelings YOU have attached to it is unreasonable.
If he has zero sentimental attachment to it then there is no reason to feel put out by him wearing it.

Be glad it’s not a tattoo of her name on his private parts Grin

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