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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hate partner wearing ex Wedding anniversary gift

165 replies

AllABitOdd · 31/10/2020 20:35

Okay, totally prepared to say I'm being unreasonable.

DP and I have been living together for 2 years. No issues, totally see a future together. In fact, it feels like we should have always been together.
Except we haven't. He had a brief marriage before meeting me. Was already on the rocks by the 2nd anniversary. Divorced before the 3rd.

Problem I had no s she bought him an expensive watch for their first anniversary (thousands of pounds- something I could never afford) and he still wears it and I hate it. He has kind of mentioned about selling it/part exchanging it but hasn't.

I don't know why but I just hate it. It constantly reminds me that's at some point he had planned a future with someone else.

I almost want to push harder for him to sell it or trade it in for a different one?

AIBU?

OP posts:
SuperbGorgonzola · 31/10/2020 21:27

I think YABU. My husband was bought a framed signed shirt from his footballing hero by his ex girlfriend and it hangs proudly on our landing right outside our bedroom (not at all clashing with my tasteful decor, oh no Hmm). My favourite dressing gown was given to me as a Christmas present by an ex. They're just things, it doesn't matter where they came from.

Onxob · 31/10/2020 21:29

I can understand your feelings but I think you'd look like a jealous psycho if you said anything. If someone bought me a very expensive present that I really loved I would not want to get rid of it just to appease a partner - that would be madness!

In fact I have a ring from one of my very early relationships that I still wear every day. DH did grumble about it once or twice so I told him I'd get rid of it if he bought me a nicer one Grin I have absolutely zero attachment to it in a sentimental way - the guy who gave it to me ended up being a dick and I haven't even seen him in about 15 years - it wasn't even very expensive I simply like the ring! If the marriage was on the rocks so soon after it began I really don't think you've anything to feel threatened over - he just likes the watch.

Original poster
AllABitOdd · 31/10/2020 21:29

@Jellycatspyjamas thank you for a post- it actually made me feel better.

@spongedog no kids. The handing down to kids from previous relationship I understand, but none here

OP posts:
AliceMcK · 31/10/2020 21:30

I only drink wine out of a set of 2 wine glasses given to me as a wedding gift from my first marriage, I know it’s not an expensive watch, they are more sentimental, no one else is allowed to touch them. My favourite vase was also a wedding gift from that marriage, my DH has no problem with it. Just like I don’t have a problem with his past. We had several copies of the same book, I intentionally kept 2 copies as one had a personal message from his ex-wife, it’s not my place to dispose of it, that’s his choice, he still has it. I also had my wedding ring and other jewellery my ex-hubby gave me, up until a couple of years ago, I gave them to his daughter to keep.

I’d just get over it, he has a past most people do.

Cavagirl · 31/10/2020 21:32

I get it OP.
My DP had a significant LTR before me which ended only just before we got together so I was pretty sensitive about comparisons to the ex and previously shared stuff.
I've had the odd meltdown when we moved in together which DP just did not understand about his old furniture which I knew some bits of which had been jointly bought with his ex and he'd ended up with in the split.
Eventually I just thought of it as his stuff....
Some pieces we still have and they are lovely. Other bits I don't like have been jettisoned over the years.

So I think you need to figure out what the problem is -
Is it that it's a watch that's nice, he likes, but you object purely because it was bought by his ex? If so, I'd say YABU but it's understandable and you need to accept it as his watch, not his watch that she bought
Is it that you don't like the fact his ex could afford to drop £££ on a nice present? And for that you want to get rid?
Is it the actual watch itself you hate because you think it's ugly? I'd still say YABU but if it's objectively ugly then maybe you have more of a point....

For me it was really what I imagine people thought when they saw the stuff - "oh yes that was the chair Cava's DP had in the flat with his ex, I remember when they bought that" bla bla (of course no one thinks that) and the idea made me feel insecure as the new gf. Over time obviously this disappeared, and so did my irrational hatred of some of his (now our) stuff. Some of it I now love and don't give a shit where it came from.
So have a reflect on why you're feeling it. Who knows in 20 years you might be proudly taking it on the antiques roadshow Wink

Nicknacky · 31/10/2020 21:33

Actually now I think about it, my H wore his wedding ring on a different finger for years. I think he only stopped wearing it when we got married.

AdriannaP · 31/10/2020 21:34

YABU

You are insecure because of a watch??

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 31/10/2020 21:34

Yanbu as he’s choosing to wear it rather than the others he has.

If I was him I’d wear a different one as kindness to you (assuming he knows you’re a bit sad about it)

Nicknacky · 31/10/2020 21:35

Cavagirl Does it even matter if the op thinks it’s ugly? It’s his watch and he likes it. She doesn’t need to like it.

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 31/10/2020 21:35

I think the point is how he responds to your discomfort about it.

whynotwhen · 31/10/2020 21:36

I have two beautiful, expensive watches given to me by my ex. Not a chance I would consider selling/not wearing them. DH wouldn't even dream of asking. We have a secure, balanced relationship

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 31/10/2020 21:37

I actually think he’d be an arse to continue wearing it if he knows it upsets you. It’s no skin off his nose to wear one of his others. Regardless of if you’re technically being oversensitive

Viviennemary · 31/10/2020 21:38

If it's an expensive watch there's no point in trading it in and losing money on it. I doubt he feels sentimental about it probably just likes wearing an expensive looking watch.

SengaMac · 31/10/2020 21:40

Your DH is doing nothing wrong.
You are being very insecure.

Even if he does have fond memories of when he was happy with his previous wife, so what?
You can't expect him to forget it but it happened in his past and now he's with you.

NeonGenesis · 31/10/2020 21:40

YANBU

Cavagirl · 31/10/2020 21:40

@Nicknacky as I said, I'd still say OP was BU if the only reason she hates it is it's objectively ugly.
But probably that's a lot more of a simpler and understandable issue to unpack.
From OP's posts it's not entirely clear if it's also the watch itself as well as/or its origin.

Original poster
AllABitOdd · 31/10/2020 21:42

@ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes he knows I'm a little hung up on the fact that he has been married. Call if I mature or whatever, but I've never been in a relationship where I am not the most serious relationship the guy has had, if that makes sense! It's been a steep learning curve.
I am secure in our relationship, but if I'm honest, I don't like reminders of the relationship he had before....maybe that will change over time.

For what it is worth, although he knows I'm uncomfortable with the idea of him being married before, I have never categorically said I don't like him wearing the watch for fear of looking g like a psycho- which pp have already called me!! Hmm

OP posts:
MrsBobDylan · 31/10/2020 21:42

So she got a deficit of thousands and a divorce and you got the man and the happy ever after?

You need to get a grip of your insecurities, they are leading you to behave in a way which is controlling and unattractive.

Don't sabotage what you've got.

Nicknacky · 31/10/2020 21:43

Cavagirl But it’s completely irrelevant what the op thinks of it, so why do you mention she would have a point if it was ugly?

Does your partner get to tell you what to do with your property if he doesn’t like it?

Original poster
AllABitOdd · 31/10/2020 21:43

@Nicknacky no, it's a nice watch!! It's def the origins that I don't like- not the watch itself!

OP posts:
Elizaaa · 31/10/2020 21:43

Yabu. That's his past that made him who he is today 🤷 you can't demand that he gets rid or changes it.

Buy him a watch to wear yourself and ask him to wear that instead.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 31/10/2020 21:43

Why oh why did he tell you it was an gift from his ex? It would have been so much easier for him to have omitted that helpful bit of information.

Yabu op, if my dp tried to pull this sort of shit I would be trading him in, not the watch.

Original poster
AllABitOdd · 31/10/2020 21:44

@Elizaaa I would but unfortunately I don't have a couple of grand to spend on a watch!!

OP posts:
SheSaidHummingbird · 31/10/2020 21:45

Think of it this way: he got rid of the woman but kept hold of the watch. He values the watch more than her. Feel better?

gardenbird48 · 31/10/2020 21:46

I wouldn't go as far as saying you are being unreasonable because I understand how easy it is to get caught up in thoughts of ex partners but would just advise to focus on your relationship with him and try not to worry about the watch. He is with you because he wants to be with you and tbh, stuff isn't really important - it's how you two are together.

DH and I use the teapot bought for him by an ex on almost a daily basis. I have glued it when it got cracked and he really likes it - not because of any relationship symbolism but because he likes it as a teapot. I am happy to use it because he likes it and have no issue with its origins because his past is part of the person I fell in love with and married.

People are more important than things.

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