To ask DP to look after DD (at school/after school club) while I provide live in care for DM over next few weeks?

[HarveysPJs]

DP has a demanding job and is concerned that school run will take two hours out of his day. Also concerned about impact on DD if I’m away for a few weeks. DM needs 2 months of care following major surgery.

Your SAHM has nothing to do with it, people just like to make you seem small if you SAH.

In your shoes I would be saying 'DP help me' and asking WHAT he could offer. Because 2 months is too much but he can manage something surely, because you are a family.

I'm sorry but you are an equal partner here. What a selfish prick. It's not too big an ask he just doesn't want to do housework. Tell him to hire a cleaner and buy his own ready meals then while you do it. If he's that fucking dead set on not looking after HIS OWN CHILD IN HIS OWN HOUSE.

Because it's beneath him clearly.

I don’t think DP thinks it’s ‘beneath him’ - he’s been off work this week and has been brilliant with DD over the past few days while I’ve been away. I think he is very pressured at work, and completely prioritises work during the week. This does cause frustration from me. I just want some proactive support.

But I don’t feel respected, and maybe it’s more a feeling of ‘I need help’ - and I’m getting negativity, rather than - ‘perhaps this would work’.

@Tamingofthehamster

All those talking about taking your daughter - it’s Christmas term and she’s 9. It’s their favourite time of year at school - not a term to be sitting in a house with an older sore grandparent.

Nor a te to be at home with a Dad who has time to collect you from school, throw quick food in front of you and tell you to go to bed and not much else

I understand prioritising work and putting that effort in. Totally. But you mum is your mum. You all need to pitch in and any corporate workplace will understand that. In many ways there couldn't be a better time for this to happen.

There's shortcuts you can take too no need to martyr yourself. Get a supply of ready meals for him. Or do massive batches of healthy easy food for the family and mum. Get a cleaner for two months possibly even a temporary au pair for The children to do after school. His big job can pay for it since his rationale is im only supporting my family by working these hours. Which by the way is BS and he knows it. He just doesn't want to 'lose' by taking his eye off the ball. And being a SAHD has no appeal.

He can do morning school runs/breakfasts. Talk to his boss about taking some leave. Not whole weeks but enough. He can WFH since the whole world seems to be able to.

Your DB has to step up too (if he won't it will be part of DH digging his heels in. Men are petty like this).

In the two weeks after she leaves hospital if you have to abandon her to the humiliating care of a stranger and she gets complications and dies you will never forgive him - or yourself.

He has to look at the bigger picture. His love and respect for you has to be there. Not just him saying it's business as usual and she can just get carers for an hour a day and heat up her own ready meals. Ffs. He would br a great deal less than amused if he had an operation and you did that to him I guarantee it.

Are there any Airbnbs near you that you could put your mum in for a couple of months? That way you could look after her and while your dd is at school.

I don’t think DP thinks it’s ‘beneath him’ - he’s been off work this week and has been brilliant with DD over the past few days while I’ve been away. I think he is very pressured at work, and completely prioritises work during the week. This does cause frustration from me. I just want some proactive support.

Then you get a job so he doesnt have the pressure of being the sole earner and then you can both do 50/50 around the house, including childcare.

If you choose to have a SAHP/breadwinner set up then part of that does mean the bulk of home stuff is done by the SAHP whilst the breadwinner focuses on their job.

It sounds like you want him to work his job and pull enough money in to keep the family financially afloat but then also take up a substantial chunk of your SAHP responsibilities on top of this so you can go elsewhere and pick up the slack from your siblings (because they work). Why are your siblings' jobs more important than your DP, and why should he keep having more and more added to his plate because you, your mother and your siblings seemingly won't come to a practical solution?

And he might get home at 9 but I guarantee he doesn't work as many hours as you do.

People need to remember the OP is talking about her mum. Any flexibility that is available in a long-term job (talking to the boss, calling in a favour, spare holiday or flexi) should be used now.

@LolaSmiles it's for two fucking months with the bulk of it in 2 weeks. God how depressing women still think like this. No wonder so bang men act like entitled kings.

During working hours you both work. Outside of those hours there had to be a split. I've worked full time for years and would give anything to have a 'wife' to do it all at home. Working us a piece of cake compared to being a SAHP.

@flaviaritt

People need to remember the OP is talking about her mum. Any flexibility that is available in a long-term job (talking to the boss, calling in a favour, spare holiday or flexi) should be used now.

She is, but she also seems to be wanting to provide a lot more care than she actually seems to be going to need. She has said she needs help with the dishwasher, bins and weekly shopping - that doesn’t equate to needing to move in for 2 months or even for a couple of days a week for two months.

I did ask earlier but got no answer but OP have you even asked your mum whether so wants this?

And further more the thread title clearly says the 7 year old is at school AND after school clubs. She's not asking him to be a SAHP to two children all day for two months.

@Sirzy so what, you think she should turn up once a week, do bins and dishwasher and fuck off home to cook her DP and child their dinner? I sincerely hope you never get old and need care.

I think she needs to be careful not to try to split herself more ways than she can. Sometimes in the mission to be everything for everyone you end up being nothing for anyone.

There are plenty of options around which don’t involve splitting up the family when the circumstances really don’t call for it. I doubt any parent would want their child to leave their family for two months when not needed.

but she also seems to be wanting to provide a lot more care than she actually seems to be going to need.

So would I, and I don’t even like my mum. She’s my mum, though, so I would want her to have an excellent standard of care.

OP, MN is a weird place. There is nothing wrong with wanting to do more than the minimum for your mum.

Don’t know what long list of makey-uppy jobs you invented to do as a SAHM @MarriedtoDaveGrohl but I found it bloody easy in comparison to my current work and looking after kids in my non work time.

You have absolutely no idea what this guy does for a job or what his responsibilities are but are making wild assumptions like how much leave he has and how flexible his employer would be. In this current climate people are bloody grateful to be in work and are very cautious about rocking the boat and asking for masses of flexibility unless there is no other option. In this case there are other alternatives so I don’t see why these can’t be explored first.

@LolaSmiles it's for two fucking months with the bulk of it in 2 weeks. God how depressing women still think like this. No wonder so bang men act like entitled kings
Yes, TWO MONTHS.
So because the OP, her mum and siblings don't sort out an appropriate arrangement, the OP's daughter should have two months away from her mother (and sibling I think), the OP's partner should stop doing his job that allows for the family to structure their home life as they do.

It's a bloody insult saying my ideas are why men are entitled kings! I'm all in favour of men not being feckless man children with both parents sharing earning, parental leave, childcare and domestic duties equally, but the OP chose not to have that set up. The OP and her DP have both chosen to structure their family with one person earning and working long hours, and the other being a SAHP. Expecting one person to take everything on because the other person's family won't find a workable solution is unreasonable.

Is the OP going to be happy if her DP loses his job? Will the family manage financially? Will her siblings be all rallying round in the event her family situation changes (in part due to siblings not doing their share)? Does she feel confident her DP could get another job should the worst happen? Does she have enough earning power to get back into the workplace and fill the gap?

Unfortunately if you choose to structure your family in a way that places all financial responsibilities on one partner then you do so accepting the pros and cons.

[quote LolaSmiles]**@LolaSmiles it's for two fucking months with the bulk of it in 2 weeks. God how depressing women still think like this. No wonder so bang men act like entitled kings
Yes, TWO MONTHS.
So because the OP, her mum and siblings don't sort out an appropriate arrangement, the OP's daughter should have two months away from her mother (and sibling I think), the OP's partner should stop doing his job that allows for the family to structure their home life as they do.

It's a bloody insult saying my ideas are why men are entitled kings! I'm all in favour of men not being feckless man children with both parents sharing earning, parental leave, childcare and domestic duties equally, but the OP chose not to have that set up. The OP and her DP have both chosen to structure their family with one person earning and working long hours, and the other being a SAHP. Expecting one person to take everything on because the other person's family won't find a workable solution is unreasonable.

Is the OP going to be happy if her DP loses his job? Will the family manage financially? Will her siblings be all rallying round in the event her family situation changes (in part due to siblings not doing their share)? Does she feel confident her DP could get another job should the worst happen? Does she have enough earning power to get back into the workplace and fill the gap?

Unfortunately if you choose to structure your family in a way that places all financial responsibilities on one partner then you do so accepting the pros and cons.[/quote]
Exactly. I think a lot of people are taking a very simplistic view of things.

In a lot of industries this certainly isn’t the time to be taking extra time off

@HarveysPJs

DP is DD’s father. He works til 9pm most evenings, is stressed at work - I am SAHM and usually do all childcare/housework/organising.

9pm? Christ there’s still 3 hours left in the day so taking 2 hours out of his day for a short period of time isn’t awful. Especially given the reason.

@flaviaritt

but she also seems to be wanting to provide a lot more care than she actually seems to be going to need.

So would I, and I don’t even like my mum. She’s my mum, though, so I would want her to have an excellent standard of care.

OP, MN is a weird place. There is nothing wrong with wanting to do more than the minimum for your mum.

There isn't but op is also a Mom. She has a partner who normally works til 9 and of he's taking time out to do school run and dinner he's going to end up making the hours up at the weekend. So her daughter will be collected and fed but not much else by the sounds of it and will then have to entertain herself for chunks of the weekend too for a few months, plus not see her Mom or submitting for months? And then again after Christmas.

I think the OP has long since realised that taking DD out of school and expecting DH to take two months is unreasonable. That's not whats on the table here.

He is just refusing full stop.

DP can work from home in the evenings, maybe needs to go into office twice a week. I think I panicked when I heard about potential national lockdown - and how to keep DM safe..

TWO HOURS A DAY. That's what she's asking for. Yeah you are right it's just so out of order.

He isn’t refusing “full stop”. I would struggle to do what the op is asking for and I work shifts with an understanding boss.

So many people assuming they know the husbands job better than he does......

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl

DP can work from home in the evenings, maybe needs to go into office twice a week. I think I panicked when I heard about potential national lockdown - and how to keep DM safe..

TWO HOURS A DAY. That's what she's asking for. Yeah you are right it's just so out of order.

Only if we assume DD doesn't need feeding and caring for. Otherwise it's a couple of hours in the morning and then from pickup till bedtime.