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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gave my number to a guy at the gym, subsequent weird text exchange

158 replies

RainbowPuzzle · 30/10/2020 19:34

Last week a man approached me in the gym to introduce himself and chat, he seemed pleasant so when he asked to take me out some time we exchanged numbers. I'm not really looking for anything but wouldn't have minded dating.

He text me the following day and after a few minutes of benign chat and him saying he wishes he could be here with me Hmm this followed..

"Let me tell you something, I want to be honest to you"

I replied go ahead..

Him: "I'm looking for a serious relationship. Are you ready for a relationship? If we like each other?"

I replied saying I couldn't possibly answer that as we hadn't so much as had one date Confused

He then replied saying "Yeah that's why we should meet up soon. I was just saying that to let you know"

He then asks if I want more kids (I had told him I have 2)

I reply in humour and say maybe in a decade or so but definitely not anytime soon. That kills the conversation stone dead as he replies "ok" and then nothing since.

Now my AIBU is:

AIBU to conclude that he was just angling for a quick shag, and that he came out with the speal about looking for a serious relationship because that's what he thinks women want to hear.

The asking me if I want any more children was, to me, him trying to ascertain whether there's any chance of him having unprotected sex with me any time soon.

Given that I wasn't receptive I'm hoping he doesn't bother approaching me again if I see him there tomorrow.

Am I too cynical or do you agree with my suspicion?

OP posts:
AGoatAteIt · 31/10/2020 07:13

Honestly? I think you’ve dodged a bullet there.

spongebobscaredypants · 31/10/2020 07:18

Agree with @Arthersleep

popcornlover · 31/10/2020 07:32

He’s got the limerance for you! Grin He’s been admiring you from afar and in his head you’re already married with children. I think he means what he says. If he was after the other things there are plenty of ways he could try that on.
Also, where he’s from, maybe they’re more direct. He’s looking for a wife, simple as.

Nailgirl · 31/10/2020 07:35

Personally it's too full on even for a couple of weeks / months. Just say "Sorry I don't think we want the same things"

pictish · 31/10/2020 08:10

My instinct is saying no no no. At best he’s too bold. I’d be very put off by such an intense exchange...he’s pushy AF.
No need to explore further unless you like to be commandeered.

CorvusPurpureus · 31/10/2020 08:51

I live in a ME country, & I've had quite a few of these 0-60 chat ups! IME (& this is also what local friends, both male & female, tell me)there are a couple of likely scenarios here.

  1. he is genuinely desperate to settle down, marry & have kids. Often because he still lives with extended family & it's not the done thing to move out except on marriage. Meanwhile, his mum is beadily eyeing up all her mates' single daughters on his behalf. He wants to find his wife himself, thank you very much, so he's only interested in dating women who are at least open to marriage & kids. Also there's quite possibly an element of wanting to stick two fingers up at Mommie Dearest by dating outside the approved pool of naice gels from his own cultural background.

  2. he's just after a shag, assumes he's more likely to get one if he portrays himself as being serious about you, as women in his culture aren't 'supposed' to casually date, & will happily ghost you once he's bored. It's a shame because you might be up for a few dates & sex, but now he's put you off!

Either way, sounds like he's not for you, so I'd quietly block him, & let him go on his merry way to be someone else's husband/hot gym bod shag Grin

I'd agree it's xenophobic to assume he's after a visa etc, but cultural differences in expectation definitely exist in dating etiquette, & I don't think it's in any way racist/xenophobic to be aware of this - whilst obviously not assuming people conform to cultural stereotypes, it's reasonable to be aware that we are all shaped to some degree by prevailing attitudes within our cultural background.

Original poster
RainbowPuzzle · 31/10/2020 08:55

About the "I wish I was there with you" comment being innocuous and something an aunt would say if she didn't want to hear more about your holiday.. He didn't say that in response to anything I had said.

He pretty much began the conversation with it.

OP posts:
CrotchetyQuaver · 31/10/2020 09:04

I read your OP as he was asking are you open to the idea of potentially having a serious committed relationship with him if you find out you get on. I think you're reading too much into it?

The man wants children by the sound of it so he needs to know if you're done with childbirth.

SarahG6383 · 31/10/2020 09:27

Men can’t win these days, if they take a woman on loads of dates and she starts to catch feelings but then he tells her he isn’t interested in a serious relationship he’s an arsehole, if he is upfront from the beginning and gauges if they both want the same thing he’s a creep. Hmm

I don’t think it was bad tbh. Why would he waste his time with someone who wasn’t interested in a relationship or wanted more children? (You may be done with children for all he knows- he obviously wasn’t put off with you having children already) by asking that before any dates he’s saving you both time and effort IMO.

makingmammaries · 31/10/2020 09:30

I think you’re over-analyzing and he simply committed a series of cultural blunders because that’s how things are done where he comes from.

That said, you’d have a hard time navigating that, so I reckon you dodged a bullet, as others have said.

lovepickledlimes · 31/10/2020 10:04

@RainbowPuzzle the 'i wish I was there' could be a clumsy 'i would like to spend some more time with you and get to know you'

I do understand it can be a bit full on and clumsy but I feel like it could be a very clumsy way of saying he would like a relationship, he is not wanting a fling,

Iamthewombat · 31/10/2020 12:00

I don’t think it was bad tbh. Why would he waste his time with someone who wasn’t interested in a relationship or wanted more children?

Yeah, he could have just emailed the OP an application form for the role of his serious girlfriend/wife.

There would be a ‘children’ section, in which she is asked to confirm how many more children she is prepared to have and when. Attaching gynaecologists’ reports, to prove that she is good breeding stock.

On to the ‘assets’ section, where the OP certifies how much is in her pension, what she earns and the size of her mortgage.

To be followed by a numeracy and IQ test.

After all, why should the man in the gym waste time on something so frivolous as, you know, getting to know her?

MLMbotsgoaway · 31/10/2020 12:10

Some of the responses to this post show just why people end up in terrible relationships saying “but he seemed like such a nice guy”

The man is a weirdo. Way too full on

ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN · 31/10/2020 12:10

I think it’s more of a hook have heard it so many times

Either way he is desperate or he uses the line to pull you in best to ignore

AGoatAteIt · 31/10/2020 12:27

@MLMbotsgoaway

Some of the responses to this post show just why people end up in terrible relationships saying “but he seemed like such a nice guy”

The man is a weirdo. Way too full on

Absolutely. I was love bombed by my ex who is quite a bit older than me, when I was still a teenager and then abused by him for a decade after.

Anyone who is as intense and full on before there’s even been a date comes with a a whole load of red flags. I’d block him to fuck.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 31/10/2020 12:28

He’s very intense to raise this even before going out but I think your conclusion is way off. I don’t think he’s looking for a shag. He’s looking for a relationship and kids fairly soon.

lovepickledlimes · 31/10/2020 12:42

@Iamthewombat I admit his attempt was clumsy but is going out for two months wasting both people's time when you are on completely different pages any better?

Iamthewombat · 31/10/2020 12:51

In my opinion, yes!

Viviennemary · 31/10/2020 12:52

MLMbotsgoaway is spot on. Absolute cloud cuckoo land to think he's looking for a wife. He might as well carry a placard saying I want sex.

lovepickledlimes · 31/10/2020 12:56

@Iamthewombat I guess age is a huge issue I guess if there is a time limit etc. I would prefer to know before the date if we are compatible or not etc before we have a first date etc yes it was a bit intense but dating got tricky with now some people just wanting a fling where as others are not looking for that etc it can make things tricky to navigate

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 31/10/2020 12:59

@Iamthewombat

I don’t think it was bad tbh. Why would he waste his time with someone who wasn’t interested in a relationship or wanted more children?

Yeah, he could have just emailed the OP an application form for the role of his serious girlfriend/wife.

There would be a ‘children’ section, in which she is asked to confirm how many more children she is prepared to have and when. Attaching gynaecologists’ reports, to prove that she is good breeding stock.

On to the ‘assets’ section, where the OP certifies how much is in her pension, what she earns and the size of her mortgage.

To be followed by a numeracy and IQ test.

After all, why should the man in the gym waste time on something so frivolous as, you know, getting to know her?

Haha this is literally a dating site profile 😂😂😂😂

Tbh I wouldn’t go on a date with a man unless I knew the answers to most of these anyway 🤷‍♀️ not worth wasting my time!

missbunnyrabbit · 31/10/2020 13:02

My immediate thoughts were that he was telling you what he wanted and he doesn't want to waste time if that's not what you want.
I've seen women on here saying that they say pretty much the same thing to men they meet - do they want marriage and kids.

lovepickledlimes · 31/10/2020 13:03

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy exactly.

IJustWantSomeBees · 31/10/2020 13:16

I agree with you OP, way too intense and intrusive. Your gut is telling you something is off, listen to it. Women need to trust themsevles more.

Firsttimemummy33 · 31/10/2020 13:17

I think it’s common for Iranian’s to be upfront like this. My husband is from Iran and was very clear from the outset that he was looking for a serious relationship. I found it refreshing and there was no game playing- I was also ready to settle down though so was looking for a serious relationship. Also don’t forget that things can easily be lost in translation and sound very different than what we are used to .

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