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AIBU?

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Original poster

Gave my number to a guy at the gym, subsequent weird text exchange

158 replies

RainbowPuzzle · 30/10/2020 19:34

Last week a man approached me in the gym to introduce himself and chat, he seemed pleasant so when he asked to take me out some time we exchanged numbers. I'm not really looking for anything but wouldn't have minded dating.

He text me the following day and after a few minutes of benign chat and him saying he wishes he could be here with me Hmm this followed..

"Let me tell you something, I want to be honest to you"

I replied go ahead..

Him: "I'm looking for a serious relationship. Are you ready for a relationship? If we like each other?"

I replied saying I couldn't possibly answer that as we hadn't so much as had one date Confused

He then replied saying "Yeah that's why we should meet up soon. I was just saying that to let you know"

He then asks if I want more kids (I had told him I have 2)

I reply in humour and say maybe in a decade or so but definitely not anytime soon. That kills the conversation stone dead as he replies "ok" and then nothing since.

Now my AIBU is:

AIBU to conclude that he was just angling for a quick shag, and that he came out with the speal about looking for a serious relationship because that's what he thinks women want to hear.

The asking me if I want any more children was, to me, him trying to ascertain whether there's any chance of him having unprotected sex with me any time soon.

Given that I wasn't receptive I'm hoping he doesn't bother approaching me again if I see him there tomorrow.

Am I too cynical or do you agree with my suspicion?

OP posts:
WyfOfBathe · 30/10/2020 22:25

@GilbertMarkham

It’s xenophobia at the very least these comments about him being an immigrant and visas.

No, it's not.

It's a valid concern.

I have a female relative who was used in what she thought was a genuine relationship/marriage for a visa.
I've also had a man try to increase his likelihood of a visa to the UK.

It happens. If especially happens among folks from countries they perceive as lacking opportunities, stability & social welfare towards those they perceive as the opposite.

It happens. Lots of things happen. That doesn't mean it's likely to happen.

My DH doesn't speak English as his first language, and comes from somewhere with much higher unemployment and poverty than the UK. He still didn't marry me for a passport.

My ex was English and abusive. I don't go onto threads where someone is dating an English man to tell them he just wants to abuse them!

Eckhart · 30/10/2020 22:28

@GilbertMarkham

No, it's not

It's a valid concern

Because that's what immigrants do?

hunchicklove · 30/10/2020 22:32

Hope it's not that PT guy that works in Cheshire from South Africa (see recent daily fail article).
Anyway run like the wind

lovepickledlimes · 30/10/2020 22:33

I think it was clumsily worded trying to make sure you are not just looking for a casual fling or one night stand. It might seem a bit full on but he could just be worried that you are just looking for a fling not wanting to bring another adult into your childrens lives or find out after 10 dates that you do not want any more kids etc

Original poster
RainbowPuzzle · 30/10/2020 22:35

I'm trying to attatch screenshots but it's not letting me upload them. I'll add more context.

Just prior to the talk of a serious relationship and children I asked about his work and he told me he owns (a food restraunt). I said I recognise the name from the just-eat app. He said I don't need to bother ordering anything through the app if I want to order there as he'll bring it straight round.

I replied back saying that's kind but I'm ok, you're still a virtual stranger at the moment and I'm in the middle of cooking my tea.

He then asked if I could make him some.

So that's two (maybe lighthearted?) attempts of getting an invitation to my house, where I live with my children, which would be a massive over step of my boundaries.

OP posts:
lovepickledlimes · 30/10/2020 22:37

I can see your concern. It is so hard to get the tone across in a text

Arthersleep · 30/10/2020 22:43

Without meaning to sound racist, his serious/forward attitude could be a cultural thing. When I was at Uni, I lived next door to the international students block. Many of them were mature students and very pleasant. However, it was not uncommon to receive marriage proposals, having spoken to them very briefly. I had one man from Egypt help me carry my shopping home from the supermarket, only to invite me to be his wife. On several occasions some of the men would stop to ask for my name and after a brief chat, would ask to take my photo so that they could show their family. If you saw me you'd realise that I was entirely average looking and not someone to turn heads. I felt that they found British women and dating etiquette confusing, just as we were equally baffled by their behaviour. I'm not saying that that's necessarily the case here, but dating is confusing enough for many men without the added confusion of cultural differences.

Georgeoftheinternet · 30/10/2020 22:54

@Arthersleep yes must be hard for them. They tell a woman to be their wife and she does it.

PerseverancePays · 30/10/2020 22:56

I would say it’s cultural crossed wires. If you feel a real spark with him and want to spend time untangling the wires, go for it. He might be a lovely man or he might be a complete misogynistic arse. If you’re not that into him and you’re getting red flags, politely decline any dating and move on.

Mintychoc1 · 30/10/2020 23:08

@lozengeoflove

WTF!? What a bunch of conclusion jumping xenophobic arseholes can there be on one single thread? How very indecent to think that someone might have ulterior motives just because English is not their first language. Truly unacceptable. He might be after a shag, not a visa! How the fuck have some of you made such an unpleasant leap?
Why is it OK to think he’s a sleeze who’s trying to get an easy shag , but not OK to think he might be trying to get a visa?
lozengeoflove · 30/10/2020 23:13

No, minty, I am not presuming that someone who might want a shag is a “sleaze”.

He might be after a shag or a relationship. No one knows. Yet some claim that he’s out to get a visa because English is his second language.

Grim.

Original poster
RainbowPuzzle · 30/10/2020 23:15

@hunchicklove do you have a link to the article? I can't find anything on Google and I'm curious Grin

OP posts:
LilacPebbles · 30/10/2020 23:16

I would take all that as banter/a bit jokey, OP, not a literal offer to bring you food there and then as you were stood cooking. If you're not feeling him or wanting to reply back to him in a light-hearted way, then that's perfectly fine just stop speaking to him. But I don't think you need to look for 'weirdness' or analyse every little thing just cos you don't click with him or like that he was wondering if you are looking for commitment with someone.

RaininSummer · 30/10/2020 23:33

Actually a lot of those lines about cooking him some tea, wishing he was there with you etc have been used in me by loads of men in an online scrabble game I play. I assume they are from a different culture as their English, though good , is a bit off. Not sure how this helps as its still either cultural or creepy or both. Oddly they never seem to stop even whe I say I am a grandmother and not looking for a man. I think they might be visa hunters or at least money

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 31/10/2020 01:38

Saying “wish I was there” has to be the single most innocuous comment i have ever heard. It’s what an aunt says when she’s not interested in hearing more about your holiday. It’s what a guy says to mean “sounds like fun, would love to do that sometime” or “yore great, wish we were hanging out right now.”

Some of the zenophobic comments here are gross, outdated and just ridiculous. Assumptions based on ignorance and suspicion that foreigners are just always trying to take advantage of you are vile.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 31/10/2020 01:44

@RainbowPuzzle

I'm trying to attatch screenshots but it's not letting me upload them. I'll add more context.

Just prior to the talk of a serious relationship and children I asked about his work and he told me he owns (a food restraunt). I said I recognise the name from the just-eat app. He said I don't need to bother ordering anything through the app if I want to order there as he'll bring it straight round.

I replied back saying that's kind but I'm ok, you're still a virtual stranger at the moment and I'm in the middle of cooking my tea.

He then asked if I could make him some.

So that's two (maybe lighthearted?) attempts of getting an invitation to my house, where I live with my children, which would be a massive over step of my boundaries.

...again literally the most innocuous comments imaginable. Those are the most basic flirtation lines, you don’t even have to respond the expectation is that you roll your eyes and know they’re flirting.
Angelina82 · 31/10/2020 04:24

God talk about intense! Avoid, avoid, avoid. Shock

LordLancington · 31/10/2020 05:28

Ultimately, none of us were there, so we can't judge his general demeanour and how he came across. But I'm thinking that if he was was really creepy you probs wouldn't even be considering going on a date with him.

As a bloke my guess is that he's a confident guy who isn't afraid to approach women, but just doesn't want to waste his or your time. I'm not sure any of those questions would've seemed as weird if they were qualifying whether an online date was worth meeting.

Some women just don't like being approached by forward men, and I've heard some say before that they're uncomfortable with being chatted up in the gym as they're a sweaty mess and don't really go there to speak with men. This might put some off but if it doesn't bother you then what's the issue?

I'm thinking there sometimes are a lot of bitter posters on here too. Maybe they sit on the sofa eating maltesers rather than working out and are just jealous no buff guys ask them on dates. 🤷‍♂️

Unless you got a bad vibe, why not just meet for a drink and take it from there. If he's odd you'll likely clock it quickly.

jimmyjammy001 · 31/10/2020 05:31

Think you are going to have to change gyms I'm afraid

zatarontoast · 31/10/2020 06:11

I'm a Muslim and when you said English isn't his first language my assumption was that he is a Muslim and is letting you know that he's interested in you but doesn't do dating/casual sex. I definitely don't think he is dissing you out for unprotected sex Hmm I would have thought he thinks you might be marriage material but now you've said you don't want more kids this has put him off.

zatarontoast · 31/10/2020 06:12

priming, not dissing.

Eminado · 31/10/2020 06:32

The immigrant \ English is not his first language ergo he must be after a visa comments on this thread are awful.

Iwonder08 · 31/10/2020 06:36

OP, I wouldn't date the guy, however I would put his choice of wording under cultural differences. I think he either genuinely wants some sort of serious relationship (yes, he should have waited with this announcement until you know each other better) or (more likely I think) wanted to make you think he is serious so he can get laid quicker

Spinakker · 31/10/2020 06:41

It's cultural differences. People from Iran very often have arranged marriages or at least it they are Muslims they have to find out everything about the person before they marry them and they don't date before marriage. It's completely opposite to here. I definitely don't think your theory was correct about it being about sex. Anyway I would avoid him as your cultures will clash. You aren't used to this approach.

KihoBebiluPute · 31/10/2020 06:56

I think you are right to be hearing alarm bells but only alarm bells that this guy isn't ideal for you, not that he is a sexual predator or potentially dangerous. His texts definitely smack of someone angling to appeal to the person he thinks you are, rather than being relaxed enough for you to both be yourselves and find out slowly and steadily who the other is. I also agree that he lacks boundaries and shouldn't be pushing for opportunities to find out your home address at this point.

The alarm bells aren't loud enough to cut him off completely but a first "date" should be a morning coffee if you can arrange childcare for that, in a public place, after which you are going on to somewhere that isn't your home and where he couldn't come too. Give it half an hour to chat to him face to face and see if he can interact in a more open and honest way or if he continues generating these formulaic "lines". If he just sticks to more of the same, make your excuses and leave, and let him know that you aren't interested in pursuing this further. But it might be that he opens up.