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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gave my number to a guy at the gym, subsequent weird text exchange

158 replies

RainbowPuzzle · 30/10/2020 19:34

Last week a man approached me in the gym to introduce himself and chat, he seemed pleasant so when he asked to take me out some time we exchanged numbers. I'm not really looking for anything but wouldn't have minded dating.

He text me the following day and after a few minutes of benign chat and him saying he wishes he could be here with me Hmm this followed..

"Let me tell you something, I want to be honest to you"

I replied go ahead..

Him: "I'm looking for a serious relationship. Are you ready for a relationship? If we like each other?"

I replied saying I couldn't possibly answer that as we hadn't so much as had one date Confused

He then replied saying "Yeah that's why we should meet up soon. I was just saying that to let you know"

He then asks if I want more kids (I had told him I have 2)

I reply in humour and say maybe in a decade or so but definitely not anytime soon. That kills the conversation stone dead as he replies "ok" and then nothing since.

Now my AIBU is:

AIBU to conclude that he was just angling for a quick shag, and that he came out with the speal about looking for a serious relationship because that's what he thinks women want to hear.

The asking me if I want any more children was, to me, him trying to ascertain whether there's any chance of him having unprotected sex with me any time soon.

Given that I wasn't receptive I'm hoping he doesn't bother approaching me again if I see him there tomorrow.

Am I too cynical or do you agree with my suspicion?

OP posts:
Nousernameforme · 30/10/2020 19:56

I think he has probably just left a longish term relationship where they didn't want the same things and now he doesn't want to waste time on someone who doesn't want what he does.

Best keep on just nodding terms as you want other things and that is completely fine.

RaininSummer · 30/10/2020 19:57

Surely just a slightly premature and clumsy way of establishing whether you want the same things. Not unreasonable if he knows what he's looking for.

LemonadeFromLemons · 30/10/2020 19:58

I think he’s basically just asked you things that would be on any standard dating profile.
What are you looking for...relationship, let’s see where it goes or something casual...
What’s your child status... don’t have, don’t have and don’t want etc.

It really does sound to me like he’s just trying to make sure nobody wastes their time.

LemonadeFromLemons · 30/10/2020 19:58

But yes I do agree I wish I was there with you now sounds very sexual and presumptuous.

5lilducks · 30/10/2020 19:59

Wonder if his visa expiring anytime soon 🤔

DrManhattan · 30/10/2020 19:59

Bullet dodged

ReggaetonLente · 30/10/2020 20:00

Where is he from OP? DH is E.European and he surprised me in the beginning with how honest and upfront he was. His family think that my squirming British beating round the bush is quite funny.

He might just want you to know he's looking to settle down so doesn't want a time waster. Which is fair enough really.

Original poster
RainbowPuzzle · 30/10/2020 20:04

He is from Iran

OP posts:
Burnthurst187 · 30/10/2020 20:05

Anybody that starts with "I'm looking for a serious relationship" after you've only spoken at the gym for a few minutes would make me run, fast

Maybe it's his best chat up line

Viviennemary · 30/10/2020 20:08

He sounds a bit of a chancer to me. Keep him at arms length.

Gwenhwyfar · 30/10/2020 20:08

@ParrotheadRedux

How many times does a woman come on here saying she’s been dating a great guy for 6 months and then he tells her he’s not looking for a serious relationship? This is simply a ham-handed way of trying to avoid that. He said “if we like each other,” meaning that if you hit it off you should know he is looking for something serious. He’s trying to not waste anyone’s time. It’s definitely off-putting but I think it’s terribly cynical to jump to the conclusion that he’s trying to game you for unprotected sex.
No, sorry not buying that. It's too much too soon which means something's up or it could just be that he comes from a culture where that is the normal way of chatting someone up.
arethereanyleftatall · 30/10/2020 20:10

These are all actually fairly standard things to establish at the start of a relationship (on online dating) What you're after - shag/date/long term/kids. Key questions to discover answers to before you bother going for a drink.

Confusedamonium · 30/10/2020 20:11

If he just wanted to have sex then why would the conversation be cut dead when you said you weren't looking to have more children? Maybe he's just a decent guy who didn't want to waste both your time pursuing something neither of you want - you know, like normal people do.

flaviaritt · 30/10/2020 20:11

Doesn’t matter why he talks like that. It shows - at best - a complete lack of emotional intelligence.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 30/10/2020 20:12

He’s clearly not the one for you, and that’s fine. However I don’t get what is particularly weird about this? He’s clearly looking for someone who sees marriage/kids on a fairly immediate horizon. It’s great your attitude is “date, see where that goes” but you seem to think anyone else with a different mindset is some sort of creepy pervert?

This is all info that would be on a match.com profile or on hinge. He took a chance trying to chat up a girl in person, quickly found not on the same page. No need to brand him as a creep

namechangedjustforthis10 · 30/10/2020 20:12

My eyebrows hit the roof when I read the part about him asking if you were ready for a relationship.

If a guy I didn't know asked me that, I'd be thinking "Who the fuck are you?!?!" And swiftly avoid.

Nothing wrong with being pleasant if you were to see him again but I'd trust your instincts on this one.

flaviaritt · 30/10/2020 20:12

Key questions to discover answers to before you bother going for a drink.

Oh god, no way. I don’t owe people I don’t know answers to their “key questions”. If they want to know the answers, the only way is going to be going on a date and taking it from there.

Shaniac · 30/10/2020 20:12

On online dating these are questions you answer in your profile before people even message you. Being iranian its a different culture so totally normal to establish if someone wants a relationship or just a fling. I dont think its creepy or red flags i think everyone should do it and save all the games of dating for months not knowing what the other person wants.

EverydayDrudge · 30/10/2020 20:13

I don't know anything about dating culture in Iran but I imagine it could well be cultural. Not that it makes any difference, you've seen red flags, (so would I) so decline and avoid. Like the others I didn't see it as angling for a shag though, more that he didn't want to waste time if you weren't looking for marriage and kids.

It sounds like the sort of thing that's acceptable to say on a dating website chat, but not to somebody you've just chatted to and asked out in the gym.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 30/10/2020 20:14

@flaviaritt

Key questions to discover answers to before you bother going for a drink.

Oh god, no way. I don’t owe people I don’t know answers to their “key questions”. If they want to know the answers, the only way is going to be going on a date and taking it from there.

Lol good for you! You don’t owe anyone answers, they don’t owe you a date
Siepie · 30/10/2020 20:14

@bitheby

See I would read that completely the opposite way to you. I'd read it that he's looking to settle down and have a family and if that's not what you're looking for then he's not about to waste his time.
This is how I understood it too.

Dating websites offer tick-boxes of what people are looking for, e.g. ONS, casual dating or a serious relationship. If he's also online dating, maybe he's learnt from that. It doesn't mean that he already knows he wants to settle down with you.

My best friend asks men on the first date if they're looking to settle down. She's late 30s, wants children within the next few years, and doesn't want to waste time with someone who doesn't want any of that. She's not expecting him to get down on one knee on the next date!

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 30/10/2020 20:14

When did you tell him you had kids? As I rather expect that was what cut the conversation stone dead.

Nottherealslimshady · 30/10/2020 20:15

I think it sounds like he's one of those "nice guys" that isn't actually that nice. Women always fob him off because they're immature and not ready for a proper relationship. Not because he's a nutter.

MerchantOfVenom · 30/10/2020 20:16

AIBU to conclude that he was just angling for a quick shag, and that he came out with the speal about looking for a serious relationship because that's what he thinks women want to hear.

The asking me if I want any more children was, to me, him trying to ascertain whether there's any chance of him having unprotected sex with me any time soon.

See, I wouldn’t be doing anywhere near that level of analysis.

I would simply be put off my someone coming on inappropriately strong, before we’ve even been on a date.

Red flag, plenty more fish in the sea, not wasting my time, goodbye.

flaviaritt · 30/10/2020 20:17

Lol good for you! You don’t owe anyone answers, they don’t owe you a date

Of course they don’t! I wouldn’t sit there expecting a date. But if someone wants to know that stuff, they’ll have to invest some time to find out. I don’t answer intrusive questions from random dudes at the gym.

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