To expect DH’s help and support?

[TigerBrite]

I used to work in hospitality but have been unemployed for several months due to Covid. There’s no sign of jobs like mine returning any time soon, and when they do the competition will be huge. I could be unemployed for years.

DH works in web design at a big computing firm. They often hire freelance contractors to do bits and bobs, and they have small “one man band” companies who hire their equipment and collaborate with them. DH often complains that these self employed guys are just knocking out websites with very little skill and are probably earning as much as he does. So I thought if they can do it then so can I? Not necessarily working with DH, just using his expert knowledge and skills to guide and inform my freelance business.

I planned to learn the basics with DH’s support and build up slowly, studying while DC is at school and working from home. I asked DH to help me write a business plan because he knows everything about the industry.

He has refused. He said I don’t have the skills, there are lots of complicated factors I haven’t considered like needing equipment and insurance, and where would I find clients? In fact he criticised me until he made me cry. I said yes, that’s why I asked you to direct me on what to learn, advise me and help me write a business plan? So then he got angry and said if you want to do it then just do it, why do I have to be involved? You just want me to do it for you because you’re not capable of doing anything by yourself! It’s not my business and if you can’t do it yourself then you shouldn’t be doing it at all!

So now I feel really demotivated because I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to support me with his expert knowledge, because I’m his wife but also because he would benefit from having a wife who’s employed and earning money. I chose this path because I had an expert to advise me and I have no idea where to start on my own.

Your husband is a nasty prick which is both parts of the issue. Those people he slags off don't have "no expertise" he just likes putting them down like he likes putting you down.
You're being unrealistic to think you can change career into something that you have no real desire or skill in just because your husband said it's an easy job that pays too much.
But he was incredibly nasty to you and if my husband was so nasty to me that I cried then I'd leave him in a heartbeat.
Having a falling out or argument is one thing. One person being nasty to the other is not acceptable in any circumstances.

Starting from the bottom gets you nowhere. Why not take advantage of nepotism if the opportunity is available?

I've read it all now. You don't seem to have the drive and ambition to set up on your own. And people can start from the bottom and get somewhere.
But they aren't people who say of their time as a SAHP that they were facilitating their DP earning the money. Which is true - but they would also have been honing skills, looking for opportunities, taking every advantage of getting training etc etc.

Your DH's attitude to contractors is that of a whiny baby, but everyone who has worked in business has seen/heard all this before.

So what you might want to do is work out what you are good at, what is it that makes you happy, can you set that up as a business?

(also you might want to check about life insurance for your husband if he thinks that you and the DCs are going to be left with nothing if he dies)

@TigerBrite, you said that you have experience in bookkeeping and marketing from your previous job. Have you considered getting a qualification in either of those? It would be much easier finding work to help run a small business than actually setting up in an industry that will take many years to learn.

Your DH could have been kinder towards you, but I think you need to be realistic about your work prospects.

If he works for a company actually designing websites, then he may have very little experience at bringing in clients
This is correct. I’d be much better at selling, despite not having the level of technical skill that DH has.

every 19 year old with an iMac can build websites in their bedrooms these days
I should have no problem then!

Why couldn’t he pay the mortgage doing this contract work if it’s so easy?
Because by the time he got the business to the stage of making a profit we’d already have starved and had our house repossessed.

Have you been applying for jobs?
No. I couldn’t realistically go out to work while DC was being home schooled. I’ve stayed at home to facilitate DH being able to go to work. Anyway I have no desire to go back to my previous job - I’ve been wanting out for several years, and now I’m out I’m staying out.

you seem determined to piggyback on the success of others rather than put in the work yourself, not a particularly nice characteristic
It’s very common. Look at all the celeb kids who are suddenly models or actors despite having zero talent. Look at the people who join the family business and walk in as a director without so much as an interview. All the rich kids who get handed jobs because Daddy has contacts. I’ve worked with many of them over the years and I’ve learned that if you have an advantage you take it.

Reading your comments why cant you do something on your own, if its not your husband you need a relative, you have a degree which seems you wasted four years on. Why not go for an AAT and set up your own accounts practice you can do that self employed and from home and it fits around childrens holidays.

Perhaps your DH would be more willing to listen to your plans if you got a job you could do right now, alongside training for a new career whatever that might be. After all you are expecting him to work f/t and then train you in the evening. I know it's a difficult employment market but even something like pt supermarket work would give a boost to the family coffers and get you back into the world of work. Or if that doesn't float your boat, use your other contact to get something.

It's very easy to look at the self employed and decide it's an easy ride, but employment provides training, sick pay and a pension. We're both relieved that DH got a permanent position just before coronavirus struck.

Sorry I cross posted with your update.
I have a friend who you actually remind me a bit of, she got a track and trace job recently- that might be an option you could do at home.

Look at all the celeb kids who are suddenly models or actors despite having zero talent. Look at the people who join the family business and walk in as a director without so much as an interview. All the rich kids who get handed jobs because Daddy has contacts. I’ve worked with many of them over the years and I’ve learned that if you have an advantage you take it.

Having the rich daddy willing to throw money around to land their child a job is one thing, having a DH who hasn’t the money but some potential knowledge but he thinks you have a crap idea which you haven’t thought through, is another entirely. You don’t appear to have the advantage to take.

I appreciate your motivation to fix yourself a job I think that’s great!

I have to say if it’s your project it’s your project.

Write your business plan, determine what training you need etc. Be self sufficient from the get go.
You wouldn’t take him to work with you if you had a job. Being married and sharing work projects is haaaaarrred.

From his perspective it may have sounded like you will go into competition with him once he has trained you up!

YANBU and it's a great idea to start your own business.

I think it might be wise to make it clear you don't require much input from DH and plan to do most of the training independently of DH. You can write your own business plan and ask for his comments rather than write the plan together. There are free online mentoring services available which could really help you.

I think however that he owes you to be clear about exactly why he thinks this is not a good idea
Eg he doesn't want to have to put a lot of work into it himself, he thinks the job needs x y z qualities which he thinks you lack, he thinks the training will be too expensive...

You don't seem to have the drive and ambition to set up on your own
I have drive and ambition and I’m a hard worker. What I don’t have is knowledge of how to set up a business, or even knowledge of where to start.

To undermine your enthusiasm though was nasty
I literally have nothing. My previous job wasn’t great and now it’s gone completely. I’ve been trapped in the house with DC for several months and I have no prospects. DH has complained for years that I don’t earn enough and he pays the majority of bills, thus preventing him from quitting his job and setting up his own business because we rely on his salary. Since Covid he’s constantly complaining about how he has to support me and I don’t contribute anything any more. Now DC is back at school he’s constantly whinging about me being lazy because I’m sitting at home. He’s said repeatedly that he’s worried I can’t support DC if he dies. So I said ok, what resources do I have to start a business? Well my Dad can invest some money and my husband can help me get started in an industry that he’s repeatedly told me is piss easy to make money from. But now apparently that’s a bad thing - despite the fact that if I made a bit of money it would free him up to quit his job like he’s been moaning about for years.

I mean c’mon, likening yourself to the kids if famous people 😂

Self employment is THE hardest slog I’ve ever done over two years to build a business. You cannot just walk into that, you cannot just walk into this job you think you’d like to do.

It’s going to take YOUR time and effort. Plus you better really enjoy it because being self employed can be hard, it’s has many many positives but also the negatives-sick/maternity pay, pensions not being matched by an employer just to start. The hours you put in at the beginning can pay off if you work hard but this is down to you, not your husband.

Not really your dream job is it, if he’s done the leg work and you only sound interested because of nepotism. I’d say to anyone going self employed, love your business like a baby because the stress involved means it HAS to be worth it!

Forget the web design. You have other probably more saleable skills.

I network a lot and one of the most common businesses is SEO / website building, all sorts of 'expertise' to help sole traders etc. None of them actually do anything, they just inundate everyone else with offers of help.

If you had said you were considering using your admin skills to be a VA and we're looking for a niche or two to investigate I would have lept in with a suggestion. Bookkeeping for sole traders is a good thing. I'd hire someone to do my mileage and receipts each month.

Maybe have a wider think around home office based working. And do it despite your DH.

Why not spend the next year or so doing some courses? There are so many free courses available in the area. This would give you a much better idea if a) it's something you have the right skills and interest in to want to follow up as a career and b) what is actually involved in the job and how much more you'd need to learn to be a viable freelancer in the sector.

At that point I guess it would be easier for your dh to have a meaningful conversation with you about what would realistically be involved.

www.futurelearn.com/courses/introduction-to-web-development

www.futurelearn.com/courses/uva-darden-marketing-analytics

What I don’t have is knowledge of how to set up a business, or even knowledge of where to start.

So learn! Get on Google and start reading.

Look at all the celeb kids who are suddenly models or actors despite having zero talent. Look at the people who join the family business and walk in as a director without so much as an interview. All the rich kids who get handed jobs because Daddy has contacts.

What you seem to have forgotten is if you don't deliver, or deliver a shit product, you won't be in business very long. Your reputation will be shot very quickly, and worse, you might drag your DH's reputation down with you.

I was trying to help by showing that you can learn and earn from it. But your attitude stinks and you just want a get rich quick scheme. There's no such thing as a free lunch, and there's definitely no such thing as an easy business.

I expect he wants you to get a job now rather than spend a year doing online courses and then be indebted to your dad whilst you try to get a job in an industry he knows well and thinks is a bad idea. What was your degree in?

Perhaps your DH would be more willing to listen to your plans if you got a job you could do right now, alongside training for a new career whatever that might be
I can’t realistically do both because I’m the primary carer and housewife. I do all of the housework and laundry and look after DC, which leaves me with a few hours on a weekday, term time only. I can either use those hours to work in a dead end job (as I did previously) or use them to study and set up a small business that’s flexible around the hours I’m available.

Tbf if my husband lost his job then decided he could just set up doing the job that I have trained for years to do and that I’d facilitate it I can’t imagine I’d be thrilled.

Also there’s no way I’d recommend someone simply because they were family.

I think you’re panicking, which is understandable, and creating unrealistic pipe dreams. You must have some skills that are more directly and easily transferable to another job? What’s your degree in?

sick/maternity pay, pensions not being matched by an employer just to start
I didn’t get that in the shitty job I had before so I guess I’ll be no worse off.

What was your degree in?
Physics. Useless for getting a job with. Hence how I ended up working in hospitality admin, which was just a random crappy job that paid the rent.

Stop focussing on the negative interpretation of the answers you have had.

Read through the thread again and focus on the positives... there are quite a lot of them....

I don't blame him for responding as he did, you're beyond clueless. You have no skills in this area and you know so little about what's involved that you think you can sell skills you don't have, using him to do the work for you while you supposedly develop them with a little one year online course that you claim not to have time for... His head must be exploding listening to you. Of course he doesn't want to be dragged into that.

You have to be realistic and find your own thing. You need to expand your skill set to make yourself employable, if you want to set up your own business, it should be something you have a passion for. You have to know you know what you're selling better than anyone else.

You can't hear your husband complaining about how useless some contractors are and think "well they don't know anything, so I can do it without knowing anything at all...". That's a bizarre, illogical way of thinking and you're setting yourself up to fail.

@TigerBrite

sick/maternity pay, pensions not being matched by an employer just to start I didn’t get that in the shitty job I had before so I guess I’ll be no worse off.

What was your degree in?
Physics. Useless for getting a job with. Hence how I ended up working in hospitality admin, which was just a random crappy job that paid the rent.

Have they stopped teaching Physics in school since half term started, then?

Not really your dream job is it
The vast majority of people don’t get a dream job. That’s not how real life works. You get what the market has to offer and what someone is willing to pay you for. You don’t have to love your job - it’s about money, period. I already made the mistake of studying what I enjoyed and it failed to get me a decent job. Now I have more sense and I’m going to do whatever is lucrative and has opportunities.

My husband used to work in the media, he said about 8/9 years ago that he wanted to do something in my industry as it seemed more worthwhile and he'd had enough of rich people problems and people going mental because a runner brought them the wrong cup of coffee (he wasn't a rubber he had a more technical role), he applied for a job in my industry but entry level no experience, that matched some of his transferable skills, I did help him prep for the interview. Since then he has done a lot of professional training, another degree, has changed roles three times (by working hard taking on extra projects and training and earning himself a good reputation in our industry), he has this week finished his professional post-grad through a national scheme, we now work in different areas of the same sector (I've moved on) and I'm still quite a bit more senior than he is, but he has worked incredibly hard, is very good at what he does and asked for only minimal input from me outside the usual support a partner would give (I have done a lot of proofreading of essays/dissertations etc), he never belittled what I do as easy , he once from the outset it wasn't, he also knew he'd have to work bloody hard to get anywhere as he knew that's what I had done. Honestly you don't even really sound like you know what you're doing, your husband's may have been rude but you actually sound pretty immature and if I'm being kind naieve rather than stupid. You've also belittled his industry, his work and his efforts, whilst essentially expecting him to get you a new career. I understand why he is livid.

The thing is everyone who employs contractors moans about them

I’ve just taken on a team to do some technical stuff that I don’t have the time to manage in house.

I‘ll probably, at some point bitch that my 5yo could have done better, because the design isnt quite what I would have done. But everyone in the industry knows.. self employed contractors ARE are good. They have to be to make a living and hang in there. The shit ones don’t hang round.

So, yeah He is probably exaggerating he says they’re shit.