To expect DH’s help and support?

[TigerBrite]

I used to work in hospitality but have been unemployed for several months due to Covid. There’s no sign of jobs like mine returning any time soon, and when they do the competition will be huge. I could be unemployed for years.

DH works in web design at a big computing firm. They often hire freelance contractors to do bits and bobs, and they have small “one man band” companies who hire their equipment and collaborate with them. DH often complains that these self employed guys are just knocking out websites with very little skill and are probably earning as much as he does. So I thought if they can do it then so can I? Not necessarily working with DH, just using his expert knowledge and skills to guide and inform my freelance business.

I planned to learn the basics with DH’s support and build up slowly, studying while DC is at school and working from home. I asked DH to help me write a business plan because he knows everything about the industry.

He has refused. He said I don’t have the skills, there are lots of complicated factors I haven’t considered like needing equipment and insurance, and where would I find clients? In fact he criticised me until he made me cry. I said yes, that’s why I asked you to direct me on what to learn, advise me and help me write a business plan? So then he got angry and said if you want to do it then just do it, why do I have to be involved? You just want me to do it for you because you’re not capable of doing anything by yourself! It’s not my business and if you can’t do it yourself then you shouldn’t be doing it at all!

So now I feel really demotivated because I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to support me with his expert knowledge, because I’m his wife but also because he would benefit from having a wife who’s employed and earning money. I chose this path because I had an expert to advise me and I have no idea where to start on my own.

To be fair, the Big 5 are far more likely to take an Archaeology graduate than a local small firm...

But OP, you graduated 15 years ago.
So when you didn’t get the accounting roles then, you should have been doing AAT or ACA (other exams available!) in your own time. I’m not saying that to kick you with hindsight because obviously you can’t go back 15 years... but to highlight that this situation now isn’t just the run of bad luck you’re blaming it on: wrong degree, dad’s stroke, wrong location, had a child, Covid, husband don’t help... stop making excuses to yourself, and start the retraining NOW. Even if it’s really basic stuff, just a bit of reading, a few video tutorials. Your confidence will be really low right now, so you’ll probably procrastinate. But it’s better to start something, and adjust once you’re feeling more confident.

"It’s clear to me that hard work is worth nothing unless you know the right people in a particular industry, so it makes sense to me to choose an industry where I have contacts."

@OP, I am afraid that you are coming across as very entitled and uncompromising and you seem to have an answer to every suggestion that PPs have made.

I believe that you must be pretty intelligent to have completed a degree in physics - despite someone's sneery comment about a third - but you seem to have developed a very simplistic, black-and-white view to your career.

Just take your time to look at different courses online - If you are as hard-working as you claim to be, I am sure you will make something work - just leave your husband to his own work!

(I think that you need to talk to him about how he talks to you if he was so harsh that you ended up crying).

@TigerBrite

Plenty of people go into accounting with a different degree I’m aware of that. I applied and was repeatedly told no. I can see why an accountancy graduate would be preferable for small businesses - and where I live they are all small businesses.

No they're not. Do you really not live near any large town/city?

But an Aat qualification would be a good start

You remind me so much of someone I know. She’s utterly delusional as well - thinks she should get an interview for jobs she is completely unqualified for and it is all their fault that they don’t want her because she is “awesome”.

As everyone else has said, you need to retrain, and you have plenty of time in which to do it, rather than think you are going to waltz into a job that you know nothing about.

This is not the point of the thread I know ... but if DH works in web design, why is he not currently working from home? It's surely a prime example of a job that can be done remotely!

OP - if you are serious about getting into web design, I'd suggest starting a thread in the Employment issues section asking for advice about good online training, what skills to build, how to create good CV. I'd sound a note of caution that you might discover it is not for you. I have appropriate skills for web design, but I actually find it as dull as ditch water, plus I don't have the creative mindset necessary. So maybe you might be better exploring careers in IT generally, first?

Tbh OP your posts remind me a little of a friend I have who was out of work for some time and wouldn't consider jobs that wouldn't pay well straight away, even though she had no demonstrable skillset.

I think you're right to look at retraining but I think you need to accept that you will still need to start at the bottom and work your way up. Your DH can't bring you right up to where he is if he's been in the industry for years.

I am surprised at people slating him as well, it sounds like - as well as being fed up that you want to become one of the people he despises in his industry - that he's just voicing reasonable concerns about how you will build a business with no knowledge of any aspect of it. Also, if he's been shouldering all the financial burden he might prefer that you get a job to chip in with that sooner (and study out of hours if you like), rather than wanting to start a whole new business which will take you at least a year to get some grasp of.

@Redlocks30

I tried applying for accountancy but was told repeatedly that I should have studied accountancy at university

Rubbish.

I know numerous accountants. None did accountancy as an undergrad degree.

Me thinks the lady doth protest too much.

Agreed - I was a tax and accountancy professional all my days, my degree was English literature and language!!

Depends where you live I suppose. It’s useless in a semi rural area of the north

Tbf, I imagine your job prospects would have been quite limited there whatever your degree was in.

I think there are two things going on:

1. your husband is not very nice (I am referring to him dumping all childcare on her, moaning that he has to pay for everything, blaming her for him not being able to set up his own business, etc).
2. your plan to have him teach everything you need to know to launch a brand new career in his industry is not a goer.

Fwiw, I think your plan is not really thought through, but even if I thought it was the best, most reasonable idea in the world, that wouldn't matter since your husband isn't on board. For whatever reason (who can say?) he isn't going to do it.

So you need a new plan. What is this relative you mentioned who might be more open to your "all you need is nepotism" business goals?

(and when you do start earning again, have your own savings account. Don't put everything into a joint one. Yeah, yeah, if your husband was squirrelling money away that would be unfair, LTB, etc. But every woman needs her own money.)

I had originall voted YANBU but having read more of your posts I've changed my vote

@Cocomarine

You make it sound like that's so unreasonable but it's not at all. My husband certainly would if it meant us building up a business of our own eventually which could then become primary focus.

In terms of marketing....social media presence, advertising, networking, website, building company ts & cs.... These are all things which are integral to a new business and don't require formal training to do. There are so many websites and free Webinars out there that someone could learn how to do this.

You may be right in why would her husband do it? Perhaps he has absolutely no interest in having his own business which is fair enough. It was just a suggestion.

Have you looked into lab jobs? I'd have thought a science degree would help with that.

My brother works in this field. He has a masters degree, he is even struggling to find consistent work at the moment so I’m not sure how you will fare when you don’t seem to even understand what a business plan is...

@MoonJelly

Have you looked into lab jobs? I'd have thought a science degree would help with that.

Lab technician job in a school? Physics degree would help there. Term time only (which sounds like it would suit OP).

I find it a bit mental that so far in this thread you’ve both condemned DH for never being around, always working and often working away....then chastised him for not wanting to set your business up for you and teach him everything he knows.

I’m not sure you can have it both ways

TigerBrite Unfortunately he doesn’t want to help you, guess he’s more afraid of you having similar earnings to him, I have noticed a lot of men do not like the fact that the OH’s earn more or similar to them.

Flickerofhope There’s currently plenty of call centre based job, that are working from home.

I can't decide whether you are a troll or not, because I can't believe someone would be so entitled to go and without doing any proper legwork themselves, want everything from their partner/spouse and when they lose it (which I am seeing why tbh based on your replies) come and bitch about them on MN.

I can guarantee that if you pulled the finger out of your arse before, tried some free course and did a research, he would have been much more willing to help.

You don't start a business plan when you don't even know if you can do the work fgs. Ehat a waste of time that would be

I went into accountancy, with a degree in psychology. But I went in at the bottom and spent two years training, both on the job and studying for professional qualifications.

Somehow I sense that isn't what you had in mind by an accountancy job. You wanted to go in at a reasonably high level with a good salary immediately.

OP why do you feel that you are so special that you deserve to have an easy life handed to you on a plate?

OP I think you have a fundamental misunderstanding of how nepotism works which is at the heart of this.

You're absolutely right that people use nepotism (or networking) to give them an entry into an industry or a client or a situation. That's a huge part of life and you'd be an idiot not to use contacts you have.

But that isn't all that's involved in getting work or clients. In fact all that does is open the door in the first place. Nepotism will only open doors: you still have to deliver. Even the spoiled celebs you talk about, who may have rich dads or industry contacts, won't get anywhere purely by knowing someone. That will get you over the threshold and get you the meeting, it won't get you the job.

Your DH has been a dick in the way he's handled it but he's absolutely right to feel aggrieved that you seem to expect him to basically hand you a ready-made career on a plate.

Not only is he well within his rights to be hacked off about this but more significantly you won't get anywhere with that attitude. Making your way in an industry, and particularly if you are self-employed is relentlessly hard work and you have got to really really love it and want it to even be in with a chance of having it work for you. The idea that you can just get someone you know to carve out a career for you is woefully misguided and I'm afraid you will fail at it.

By all means ask him for career advice and if you are convinced this is what you want to do ask him for more of this. But you will basically have to accept that you're on your own.

I think you've been unrealistic but I also think he doesn't sound very nice. Tell him he'll have to take over a lot of the childcare on weekends for you to retrain.

He. Made. You. Cry.He's a bully OP.

This is such bollocks. It's just as likely he was quite reasonable, and she had a hissy fit and cried. Doesn't make it his fault.
The poor little woman big bad man routine isn't the default. Could be true of course, but its very stupid to assume.

@Redlocks30

You just want me to do it for you because you’re not capable of doing anything by yourself!

This suggests it’s not the first time you have done something similar.

I’d be pissed off if my DH had a whole big plan of a new job in my line of work that he knew nothing about. All I’d see is a massive pit of work for me.

I agree with this. I get where he's coming from.

You wanted to go in at a reasonably high level with a good salary immediately
I haven’t said that and it’s not true. The roles I was applying for at the time paid £12k. I just wanted an opportunity to progress and learn, and not be stuck in a dead end job. But I couldn’t get any trainee jobs at all. I wasn’t applying to the Big Five for accountancy, it was small self-owned businesses with maybe 4-5 employees, because those types of business are predominant in my local area.

So when you didn’t get the accounting roles then, you should have been doing AAT or ACA
At 21 I didn’t even know this was possible and wouldn’t have had any idea where to start. Nobody in my family had ever been to university before, my Mum had been to an ex-poly in the 1970s and everyone else did manual labour with no qualifications. So I just kept applying for jobs and hoping, because I had no advice and no knowledge of what to do other than just keep applying.

Have you looked into lab jobs?
My degree is 15 years old, I hardly remember what I learned because it’s so long ago. I don’t remember enough to be able to work in that field now, nor could I compete with fresher (younger, more recent) graduates. Do you think I have a realistic chance of getting a job in a field I‘ve been out of for 15 years? I don’t. Regardless of what I do it’ll have to be something new because currently I have zero skills.

if DH works in web design, why is he not currently working from home?
His boss is a dick who wants bums on seats because he says he’s not paying people to sit at home.

@TigerBrite

You wanted to go in at a reasonably high level with a good salary immediately I haven’t said that and it’s not true. The roles I was applying for at the time paid £12k. I just wanted an opportunity to progress and learn, and not be stuck in a dead end job. But I couldn’t get any trainee jobs at all. I wasn’t applying to the Big Five for accountancy, it was small self-owned businesses with maybe 4-5 employees, because those types of business are predominant in my local area.

So when you didn’t get the accounting roles then, you should have been doing AAT or ACA
At 21 I didn’t even know this was possible and wouldn’t have had any idea where to start. Nobody in my family had ever been to university before, my Mum had been to an ex-poly in the 1970s and everyone else did manual labour with no qualifications. So I just kept applying for jobs and hoping, because I had no advice and no knowledge of what to do other than just keep applying.

Have you looked into lab jobs?
My degree is 15 years old, I hardly remember what I learned because it’s so long ago. I don’t remember enough to be able to work in that field now, nor could I compete with fresher (younger, more recent) graduates. Do you think I have a realistic chance of getting a job in a field I‘ve been out of for 15 years? I don’t. Regardless of what I do it’ll have to be something new because currently I have zero skills.

if DH works in web design, why is he not currently working from home?
His boss is a dick who wants bums on seats because he says he’s not paying people to sit at home.

So when you didn’t get the accounting roles then, you should have been doing AAT or ACA At 21 I didn’t even know this was possible and wouldn’t have had any idea where to start.

If you graduated 15 years ago, it was about 10 years more recently than me. There were evening classes in accounting qualifications at local colleges then. I know, because I looked at them in my second year when I was thinking of dropping out.

You also said upthread that, “you didn’t know where to start” (now, current day)

That’s part of what annoyed your husband... please, don’t worry about finding the perfect start point. There are so many free online tutorials for web design and programming - it’s better to do something than nothing! Plunge in. See if you find it interesting. Refine your choices later.

He doesn't sound nice - but you seem to be relying on him for training, help, skills and business plan. Your job would become his second job! And this is possibly what he is worried about. Why not train up first by doing a few online courses then see if you could so it as a business? Sorry but going from no skills in something to having a business is not easy and there are a lot of steps in between.