To expect DH’s help and support?

[TigerBrite]

I used to work in hospitality but have been unemployed for several months due to Covid. There’s no sign of jobs like mine returning any time soon, and when they do the competition will be huge. I could be unemployed for years.

DH works in web design at a big computing firm. They often hire freelance contractors to do bits and bobs, and they have small “one man band” companies who hire their equipment and collaborate with them. DH often complains that these self employed guys are just knocking out websites with very little skill and are probably earning as much as he does. So I thought if they can do it then so can I? Not necessarily working with DH, just using his expert knowledge and skills to guide and inform my freelance business.

I planned to learn the basics with DH’s support and build up slowly, studying while DC is at school and working from home. I asked DH to help me write a business plan because he knows everything about the industry.

He has refused. He said I don’t have the skills, there are lots of complicated factors I haven’t considered like needing equipment and insurance, and where would I find clients? In fact he criticised me until he made me cry. I said yes, that’s why I asked you to direct me on what to learn, advise me and help me write a business plan? So then he got angry and said if you want to do it then just do it, why do I have to be involved? You just want me to do it for you because you’re not capable of doing anything by yourself! It’s not my business and if you can’t do it yourself then you shouldn’t be doing it at all!

So now I feel really demotivated because I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to support me with his expert knowledge, because I’m his wife but also because he would benefit from having a wife who’s employed and earning money. I chose this path because I had an expert to advise me and I have no idea where to start on my own.

I haven’t had free time except for the last six weeks or so since DC started school.

Well, now you have time. So start researching, find a few software or web development / web design courses. Web developoment is a slightly different skillset from web design. Look at what's available and possible. Then discuss them with your DH. Bring something to the table.

If you get a few basic skills in place and can find a supportive company you might be able to go for a Graduate Apprenticeship post next year. Some of them will support a second degree.

What’s the saying
Don’t mix business and pleasure

By all means go ahead with your venture but leave your DH out. He can support by taking over childcare when you need to attend courses being there to support you revising for an exam etc not teaching you!

Also without sound harsh he moans other people have less skills and are paid more... yet has done nothing about improving himself to be able to do this... not a mentor I’d want or someone I’d be looking to take business advice from if I’m being honest

@TigerBrite

There seems to be stuff here about you designing websites, and subcontracting to companies like the one your husband works for, but also about you subcontracting from them? DH’s employer hires out their servers and other equipment to small businesses, and they hire out the expertise of their staff. But when they’re overworked and have too many clients they also hire in freelancers to do the extra work.

Right, but I still don’t know what you want to do? Because you’re talking about designing websites, and also talking about using their expertise. What is it that your husband does?

Did you keep going on at him after he initially said no?

You just want me to do it for you because you’re not capable of doing anything by yourself!

This suggests it’s not the first time you have done something similar.

I’d be pissed off if my DH had a whole big plan of a new job in my line of work that he knew nothing about. All I’d see is a massive pit of work for me.

Oh OP, please forget this idea. I have worked in software. If you genuinely had aptitude, you'd have been 'throwing together' websites for friends and family for years. The fact that you were talking about a business plan before you have any skills and confusing it with a personal development plan is very concerning. The burden you were trying to put on your DH must have felt huge and very alarming! It's like my partner telling me he wants to make a living as a professional golfer by March, even though he has never played golf in his life and telling me that I need to teach him and help him network for sponsorship deals!!

Can you write down all your transferrable skills and put them on the MN employment board for suggestions? Facilities/office manager/procurement/civil service/NHS administration sound likely after a background in hospitality with some marketing.
You can do the Google PPC course independently and free of charge if you think you'd like to freelance in that. It requires an analytical mind and good reporting skills.

You can definitely retrain. I did and now have my own business (not software!)
You can retrain and do exactly what your husband does.

However, it’s really not fair to burden him with the expectation of so much help. Yes he wasn’t nice and that’s not right, but he’s maybe at breaking point working, you said he worries about support for his children’s future and then on top your asking him to give his free time to train you-that isn’t right.

If you do get on well normally could you spend a day or two shadowing him if he’s happy to do that? So you get a tiny idea of his day? Then start looking for courses etc off your own back or join forums for help and guidance on courses etc?

If my husband said he wanted to do what I do I’d be hugely supportive of that, but wouldn’t be able to give what you’re asking on top of working!

You’ve seized on an idea to set you up in business that will involve loads or time, plans and work...for your husband!

I can see why he’s not thrilled. If it’s that easy and lucrative and he knows all about it, he’s be doing it himself.

I sort of agree with this tbh.

And also, since he has quite often spoken about these 'one man band' consultants knocking out work with very little skill and thereby indirectly taking work from him (a skilled professional) I can see why he'd be anti the idea of you becoming one of them.

It's like when professional builders get annoyed with untrained, cowboy outfits undercutting them for poorly-done jobs and also giving the trade a bad name.

Not saying you couldn't learn how to do it and undertake the proper training, but it seems like you've heard your DH slating these people as delivering poor work for a lot of money and have thought maybe you could do that too, rather than actually having an interest in the field. I would be a bit peeved in his shoes too.

I would actually like to do software. DH makes it sound interesting and engaging, and there are lots of opportunities. Why do I have to do something different?

Just seen this. If you actually have an interest in taking this career path then that's totally fair.

BUT I think you should do it independently of your DH. Book some courses for yourself and get the knowledge on your own. I wouldn't want my OH relying on me to learn my job to be honest, I'd rather he had to take the path I took. Happy to give advice and direction but I don't want to be responsible for him really.

DH often complains that these self employed guys are just knocking out websites with very little skill and are probably earning as much as he does. So I thought if they can do it then so can I?

If they were earning as much as him, why isn’t he doing it?

There's no real difference between this and deciding you want to become a private guitar tutor because your DH is a professional musician and you can form a couple of open chords on a ukulele, so you want him to teach you everything he's learned in 30 years of playing and studying in the gap between the kids going to bed and the start of Bake Off.

It's too much to ask of anybody and is entirely unrealistic.

I think he was absolutely unreasonable -- you are supposed to be a team and this is not a bad idea for retraining. If he felt it would be too much work for him, you could have worked something out rather than him rejecting the whole idea and being cruel.

But, now that he has reacted this way, I would suggest coming up with another plan. Don't say you have no expertise! Hospitality gives you a lot of desirable skills in dealing with the public, attention to detail, multi-tasking, etc. What other interests do you have? What kinds of jobs are available where you live? Someone mentioned property management, that's a very good idea.

So do software if you want, but find a way to do it yourself, like everyone else does when they're starting out
Starting from the bottom gets you nowhere. Why not take advantage of nepotism if the opportunity is available? DH could give me support and access to info that money can’t buy. That was a major factor in me wanting to go into the same industry. If he isn’t going to be supportive then I’m better off choosing another job where I have a relative on the inside.

I see it from both sides. From his perspective, he's worked hard to become an expert in his field. From the day websites became a 'thing', there have been people like you with no experience setting up thinking they can make some quick and easy cash.

Having said that, I'm one of those people too. Many years ago, a relative was setting up their own business (nothing to do with web design - an online shop) and needed a website. I was in my late teens, hadn't done IT in school since GCSE and even then it was one lesson every six weeks (!). Relative asked me helped them put it together anyway. We were both feeling our way through really, but we got there. I kept one foot in the tech side as the business grew and really developed my skills. I never studied anything but kind of tried and tested things and 'hacked' my way into the knowledge.

I would never put any of these 'skills' on a CV, but numerous times people in my extended social circle have approached me for a working website. Sometimes their requirements are far too complex with different coding languages, but 90% of the time, it's a small business that wants something that is well within my remit.

As a result of working with my relative, I also learned extensively about coming up in Google searches (SEO), and paid ads and how to manage them. That is an absolute minefield and it does annoy me (like your DH gets annoyed) when I see 'ad agencies' set up and I know they're just going to cost the client money because they don't know what they're doing.

Is there not a way that you can complement each other and sort of run a business together (him on the side to his FT job)? You could study the marketing of the business side, get clients, then he could work the actual project. Depending on the complexity (and his attitude) you could learn alongside him on projects. I'd do that for my OH without getting 'offended' that you hadn't put the supposed work in for the qualifications/experience.

One point: it's all well and good him feeling superior to these contractors, but the important part is that you produce something that works as the client wants it to, not what you studied or how many years experience you have. If they're knocking out low quality work, that's one thing, but this isn't the same as someone skipping med school and setting up as a doctor overnight. I might have no qualifications, but it still has taken me years to know what I do.

Hope the above makes sense, I've had very little sleep!

If it’s that easy and lucrative and he knows all about it, he’s be doing it himself.
He wants to. But he can’t because his salary pays the mortgage.

Basing your entire career plan around your DH's disdain for freelancers is such a bizarre concept, I don't know why you'd even consider it.
Plus, if this is about you being self-sufficient in case your DH dies then it doubly doesn't make sense. In effect you're considering building a business that seems dependent on him mentoring you and on his company considering you for contracts. If he dies, none of that happens.
It's also very insulting to look at an area where you have no experience and no real interest and say 'I'll do that!' especially when it's one where your DH does have interest and experience. You're devaluing his time, effort and professionalism.

How utterly horrible op.
Is he like this in general?
Well done for being resilient and brave and coming up with a workable plan.

I would start with Openlearn from the OU, they do lots of short, free courses. you can spend a week or two trying lots of things to find out what you're actually interested in.

For software they have 5 courses between 6 and 20 hours, intermediate to advanced

If you look in the science section they have cyber security, IT, network security, simple coding plus lots of non-computer related content.

Find something you're interested in instead of choosing something because you think it's easy and your DH can teach you.

I think your DH is an arse for reacting the way he did. My DH and I work in very different fields and have also moved careers more than once. If he wanted to work in the same field as me, I certainly wouldn't be shouting at him and refusing to help in any way. What a horrible response from him! I would offer him whatever help I could and suggest training courses, and essential qualifications etc, because I know he is an intelligent person who could turn his hand to many different roles. Also, because we love and support each other. I repeat - your DH is an arse.

Your husband absolutely shouldn't have spoken to you the way he did, but you can't just decide to work in a random industry. If you want to do it, do it properly. Go to college and take a course. The way you make it sound, you'll be able to design websites by tomorrow, but you've got to learn at least one coding language which isn't easy, then you have to be an amazing problem solver as things can go wrong with the sites and you have to analyse your code to see where the problem is.

It's not easy, it's not designing on Microsoft Paint and making things look pretty. Right now, you wouldn't even be able to make the simplest of sites because even the crap ones take knowledge and skills that you just don't have.

If you're determined to do this, that's fine, but don't expect your husband to give you a leg up. You've said yourself if the people who are churning out rubbish sites can do it, so can you - indicating to me that you're not that interested in quality. Why would your husband want to be associated to one of those poor quality creators that he dislikes so much? It wouldn't be very good for his reputation would it.

I work in this industry, but as a content writer for the sites rather than a coder, and honestly, you're not being realistic.

@TigerBrite

So do software if you want, but find a way to do it yourself, like everyone else does when they're starting out Starting from the bottom gets you nowhere. Why not take advantage of nepotism if the opportunity is available? DH could give me support and access to info that money can’t buy. That was a major factor in me wanting to go into the same industry. If he isn’t going to be supportive then I’m better off choosing another job where I have a relative on the inside.

But the issue seems to be each of your definitions of “support”. When I read your OP I got the first impression that you want him to do it all for you.

You want him to find you a course, write you a business plan, and then subcontract to you. (in my large company: no way in a million years would we allow a husband to be involved in a subcontracting decision to his wife)

I actually think that giving up his leisure time to the eventual financial benefit of the family is a perfectly reasonable ask.

But there’s a huge difference between you saying, “I’ve just spent the day watching these intro to web design courses on skillshare, and I’m going to look into courses, what do you think?” and you saying, “write me a business plan.”

Starting from the bottom gets you nowhere. Why not take advantage of nepotism if the opportunity is available? DH could give me support and access to info that money can’t buy. That was a major factor in me wanting to go into the same industry. If he isn’t going to be supportive then I’m better off choosing another job where I have a relative on the inside.

This is a shitty attitude and sounds entirely like you want someone to do the work for you. You realise that 90% of people get a job without help from their DH or a family member? Did your DH start from the bottom in the industry, him just telling you stuff isn't you learning.

@Redlocks30

You’ve seized on an idea to set you up in business that will involve loads or time, plans and work...for your husband!

I can see why he’s not thrilled. If it’s that easy and lucrative and he knows all about it, he’s be doing it himself.

I agree with this. Did you make any effort to put some thought into it or learn any web design yourself before asking him?

As much as he complains about the designers he works with, and their skills may vary, it does require some learning and investment and doesn't sound like a quick path to a new job to me. What existing skills do you have that you could transfer or build on?

You are asking your DH to teach you how to become one of those people he dislikes, money is not more important.

I'm very technical and maybe like your DH its frustrating seeing the most successful people are the marketeers who can sell a lot of poor product over the specialists who struggle to find customers due to not having sales ability. I accept thats how the world works, but it can get you down if you dwell on it.

If anything focus on marketing and have your DH do the technical stuff, create a real business, you could pick bits up as you go along.

I changed my freelance approach to only doing the very technical bits and not trying to compete with those 'selling websites'

What is it that your husband does?
He’s a Brain basically. Smaller companies hire equipment from his employer and they also hire DH’s brain (and his colleagues too). So DH will get told to program something for a small business who is selling it on to their client at a huge markup. So the small business is basically doing the easy bits and hiring DH to do the hard bits, then selling the whole package to their client for a profit.

Is there not a way that you can complement each other and sort of run a business together (him on the side to his FT job)? You could study the marketing of the business side, get clients, then he could work the actual project. Depending on the complexity (and his attitude) you could learn alongside him on projects
That’s sort of what I was suggesting. I would do as much as possible and he would advise to fill the gaps. It would give him an exit plan from his current job which he can’t leave because it pays the mortgage. I only need to match his current salary then he’s free to quit.