To expect DH’s help and support?

[TigerBrite]

I used to work in hospitality but have been unemployed for several months due to Covid. There’s no sign of jobs like mine returning any time soon, and when they do the competition will be huge. I could be unemployed for years.

DH works in web design at a big computing firm. They often hire freelance contractors to do bits and bobs, and they have small “one man band” companies who hire their equipment and collaborate with them. DH often complains that these self employed guys are just knocking out websites with very little skill and are probably earning as much as he does. So I thought if they can do it then so can I? Not necessarily working with DH, just using his expert knowledge and skills to guide and inform my freelance business.

I planned to learn the basics with DH’s support and build up slowly, studying while DC is at school and working from home. I asked DH to help me write a business plan because he knows everything about the industry.

He has refused. He said I don’t have the skills, there are lots of complicated factors I haven’t considered like needing equipment and insurance, and where would I find clients? In fact he criticised me until he made me cry. I said yes, that’s why I asked you to direct me on what to learn, advise me and help me write a business plan? So then he got angry and said if you want to do it then just do it, why do I have to be involved? You just want me to do it for you because you’re not capable of doing anything by yourself! It’s not my business and if you can’t do it yourself then you shouldn’t be doing it at all!

So now I feel really demotivated because I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to support me with his expert knowledge, because I’m his wife but also because he would benefit from having a wife who’s employed and earning money. I chose this path because I had an expert to advise me and I have no idea where to start on my own.

It’s a bit teaching your wife to drive isn’t it really.

I can understand why he wouldn’t want to - I taught my kids to drive and it almost broke me.

This is so similar I can see why he’s reluctant.

Physics. Useless for getting a job with
Have they stopped teaching Physics in school since half term started, then?
Ok... useless for getting a good job with. Nobody in their right mind wants to be a teacher, especially not now.

The physicists I know have excellent jobs, working for global manufacturers/tech companies/research etc, again I think if you have a good degree in a classic science and you can only get low paid hospitality work that says more about you than your degree.

So you don't want a job, you want something easy. Why not tutor over zoom? That's easy money, you can work on your own time.

I didn’t want to relocate. I suppose I could have got a job down south if I’d wanted to go there.

It sounds like DH was pretty unreasonable in how he spoke to you...but

It’s not my business and if you can’t do it yourself then you shouldn’t be doing it at all

I can kinda see his point OP, it does sound like your plan is to ride his coat tails and exploit his knowledge in order to earn yourself an easy wage.

Given what you’ve said you don’t actually have the skills, knowledge or experience to start this business and there is a significant difference between ‘supporting’ a partner and ‘doing it for them’. I love your enthusiasm to learn and change career but in that case go off and do it, then start the business when you are able to do it for yourself.

Reading your OP does sound like you think DH will work a FT job and also a side business in your name.

You think this is going to be some get rich quick scheme but it won't be. Running a successful business takes a lot of work. If you don't have the time to do a regular job then you have nowhere near enough time to make a business work

Ok... useless for getting a good job with. Nobody in their right mind wants to be a teacher, especially not now.

Ok @TigerBrite, I'm out. Your entitled attitude is appalling.

As someone who has started, built up and sold numerous business, I can say with confidence that you do not have what it takes.

@TigerBrite

A business plan is a big jump when you have no expertise That’s the whole point of making a plan. To figure out what skills I need, to arrange courses and self-study to learn them. To decide what I can realistically start with, what I can hope to progress to later, and what I would contract out to an expert like DH. To develop a marketing strategy and begin networking. I want to start now with the aim of beginning self employment in Sept 2021. I don’t think it’s unrealistic to plan to retrain and change career.

No, it’s not unrealistic. But it is unfair to burden your DH with teaching you, when he probably has enough of it with his own job. It’s all he’d ever be doing! A bit unfair of you to just expect him to do it.

If you’re serious, he’s right, you can do it yourself and find the right training. I think you’ll also find it more of an achievement having done it all on your own.

There are other jobs out there besides hospitality that you can obtain without direct experience. There’s no need for you to unemployed “for years.”

OP you’re sounding worse and worse with every post, as well as completely naive and unrealistic. I’m fully with your husband here - you basically want him to teach you how to do his job and put in no legwork yourself. That’s a nasty and entitled attitude and if my partner announced they wanted me to train them up in my industry so they could piggyback off my success I’d tell them to fuck off.

As it happens I do have my dream job, and I got there entirely on my own merit - it is an industry rife with nepotism but I had no connections in it at all so I networked, learned and pestered my way in entirely on my own. I have recruited people before and if it was obvious to me they’d benefited from nepotism rather than their own hard graft I’d put their CV straight in the bin. People won’t take you seriously unless you actually put the work in yourself. The children of celebrities getting lucrative roles just because of who they are is very common in my industry but they’re almost universally ridiculed for being rich and talentless. Why should anyone give you a leg up when you clearly don’t actually want to do any work? The attitude you’re displaying here would definitely NOT make me employ you.

You need to look for a job. Any job. You and DH split the housework and chores around your jobs, and you can retrain and research new career options in your own time. Yourself. Like an adult.

@KarlKennedysDurianFruit

The physicists I know have excellent jobs, working for global manufacturers/tech companies/research etc, again I think if you have a good degree in a classic science and you can only get low paid hospitality work that says more about you than your degree.

Snap-I know three people with a physics degree-all have got extremely well paid jobs! I suspect they didn’t just look around and think it wasn’t worth starting at the bottom so got a job in hospitality instead.

As you have (in your own words) just had a shitty job despite having a science degree, I feel it unlikely that you are now suddenly going to start a successful business. I suspect your DH has recognised this. Hoping that daddy’s money and hubby’s know how will set you up for life makes you sound rather naive and lazy, to be honest.

Yes if you want some easy money, reacquaint yourself with the Physics syllabus and offer competitively priced online tuition. I'm sure there would be an agency you could sign up with.

@TigerBrite correction-some people don’t work their dream jobs, some do. You’re cherry picking my comments to suit yourself-great! I retrained at the age of 30, it can be done but it’s all my own hard, hard work-my husband has been my biggest support in so many ways but it has to be on you to find courses, jobs, apprenticeships or whatever it will take for you to start and continue to have a successful business.

My comment regarding a dream job is one I stand by for self employment if you want to be successful-you have to live and breathe it, especially on set up.

You need to give lots and lots of your time, and have the mental and physical energy to keep up with it. If money is your main motivation then fair enough but to be successful enough to be bringing that money in you’ll have to apply yourself in ways that right now, you won’t imagine.

A poster above has it spit on, if you feel you don’t have enough time now then that feeling will multiply ten fold being self employed.

I’m writing this just being honest, as a self employed person. It can be done, of course it can but eyes need to be wide open that it’s not clocking on and off regular hours and your brain can switch off. If you’re successful (as I Hope anyone is taking the leap) you’ll never switch off properly from it!

@TigerBrite

Physics. Useless for getting a job with Have they stopped teaching Physics in school since half term started, then? Ok... useless for getting a good job with. Nobody in their right mind wants to be a teacher, especially not now.

So you think you’re entitled to what you consider a “good” job (there is nothing wrong with teaching, btw) without having to put in any effort? Maybe that’s why you ended up in dead end jobs for so long, because you’re lazy and entitled and nobody handed you a high flying job on a platter, which is not how life works

If you aren’t prepared to relocate/travel for work you won’t be in demand as a contractor.

His delivery needs work but his message seems on point. Go and do some actual research. Put some work in. If my DH expected me to build a career for him I'd wonder if he was unwell.

It really sounds like you want to do as little work as possible - this entire business plan is based on your DH doing all the work and supplying you with all the advice and knowledge you need.

If you're serious, you need to do things properly. Research. Go back to school and study properly. Get experience. Volunteer and learn as much as possible.

I think the issues around how realistic your plan is and how shitty your husband was are seperate. Personally I think you could learn to build websites in a year. But getting clients might be tough. Your husband might have been a way in with this though.

But he's been really crappy and unsupportive. Is he normally so mean about you? How the relationship normally?

OP - maybe it is just the way that you are coming across, but you really sound like you just want to walk into a well paid job that you have to make minimal effort to do and that requires little time commitment from you. That doesn't happen in the real world (well actually I once worked with someone who had none of the skills that she'd put on her cv and had somehow blagged herself through the interview and the company ended up paying her 5 months of money (2 months to work out she was incompetent; 3 months in lieu of notice) - but I suspect she was the exception).

What have you been doing in recent weeks/months to make yourself more employable? What jobs have you been applying for? Your ideal job will not just appear without any effort from yourself.

I hire IT contractors (including web developers) all the time in my job (I was one myself for many years). You can’t just jump straight into contracting with no relevant experience and pick up lucrative work- all of the highly paid contractors I know started off in perm roles for a good few years to develop skills and build their network. Contractors get hired on the basis of their past portfolio of work and their network- I have never applied for a contract job, people contact me wanting to hire me because they’ve worked with me before and know I’m very good at what I do. If you’re serious about going into software look at schemes like the Sky or BBC women into tech programmes. 5 years in something like that and you can probably revisit the contracting idea, but you will have to put in the time at a lower pay rate first.

@TigerBrite

I didn’t want to relocate. I suppose I could have got a job down south if I’d wanted to go there.

So you couldn't get a decent job with your Physics degree not because its a shit degree you just didn't want to move?

I’d be more inclined to build on your existing degree and do post grad work etc rather than starting from scratch at entry level.

I don’t know what you think you’re going to learn in a year.

If you’re serious about IT, a decent training + physics degree could be really useful for fields like data analysis, clinical technology,

If you’re serious, you need research properly some more decent training that will have job opportunities at the end of it.

Your DH was unkind but I totally understand his frustration at the naivety and childishness of your plans. You’re expecting him to be your teacher/father and do everything for you. It’s far too much to ask.

@Jokerypokery

I hire IT contractors (including web developers) all the time in my job (I was one myself for many years). You can’t just jump straight into contracting with no relevant experience and pick up lucrative work- all of the highly paid contractors I know started off in perm roles for a good few years to develop skills and build their network. Contractors get hired on the basis of their past portfolio of work and their network- I have never applied for a contract job, people contact me wanting to hire me because they’ve worked with me before and know I’m very good at what I do. If you’re serious about going into software look at schemes like the Sky or BBC women into tech programmes. 5 years in something like that and you can probably revisit the contracting idea, but you will have to put in the time at a lower pay rate first.

She doesn't want that. She just wants her husband to find her jobs in a field she knows nothing about and feels she is too good to start at the bottom

It’s such a depressing read. You have a physics degree, for goodness’ sake! So you’re obviously intelligent.

But there’s the gender pay gap right there for you... you didn’t want to relocate to develop a career, and you’ve ended you’ve ended up having a child without an established career AND surprise surprise you’re in the carer/housewife role. I could weep.

you really sound like you just want to walk into a well paid job that you have to make minimal effort to do
On the contrary, I’m perfectly willing to work hard and have done so my entire life. I worked hard right through school and university but it didn’t lead to a decent job. I worked extremely hard in the admin job I was able to get and also spent my free time doing voluntary work for charity, but it never led to any appreciation or promotion. In fact salaries repeatedly went down instead of up, which is why I wanted out. Hard work has never been the issue - I’ve always worked very hard. Meanwhile I’ve watched other people walk into senior positions and be rewarded for doing virtually nothing. I’ve come to the conclusion that hard work is useless unless you have contacts to give you an advantage. So now I’m looking to exploit my contacts like everyone else has. That doesn’t mean I won’t be willing to continue working hard - just that I’m no longer willing to do it for nothing.