To expect DH’s help and support?

[TigerBrite]

I used to work in hospitality but have been unemployed for several months due to Covid. There’s no sign of jobs like mine returning any time soon, and when they do the competition will be huge. I could be unemployed for years.

DH works in web design at a big computing firm. They often hire freelance contractors to do bits and bobs, and they have small “one man band” companies who hire their equipment and collaborate with them. DH often complains that these self employed guys are just knocking out websites with very little skill and are probably earning as much as he does. So I thought if they can do it then so can I? Not necessarily working with DH, just using his expert knowledge and skills to guide and inform my freelance business.

I planned to learn the basics with DH’s support and build up slowly, studying while DC is at school and working from home. I asked DH to help me write a business plan because he knows everything about the industry.

He has refused. He said I don’t have the skills, there are lots of complicated factors I haven’t considered like needing equipment and insurance, and where would I find clients? In fact he criticised me until he made me cry. I said yes, that’s why I asked you to direct me on what to learn, advise me and help me write a business plan? So then he got angry and said if you want to do it then just do it, why do I have to be involved? You just want me to do it for you because you’re not capable of doing anything by yourself! It’s not my business and if you can’t do it yourself then you shouldn’t be doing it at all!

So now I feel really demotivated because I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to support me with his expert knowledge, because I’m his wife but also because he would benefit from having a wife who’s employed and earning money. I chose this path because I had an expert to advise me and I have no idea where to start on my own.

I would go an volunteer with someone else in this field, would be more impersonal. Maybe he will realise you are serious then.

I think you’re overestimating your husband’s relative expertise, by the way.
If he works for a company actually designing websites, then he may have very little experience at bringing in clients.

If your business will be designing websites, you’ll need to find clients - and he can’t help with that.

If your business plan is never to find your own clients, but to act as overflow capacity for companies like the one he works for, then where he might be able to help, is in telling you what they have to buy in, and what background these freelancers have.

But again, you may over estimate his expertise. Say he writes code for websites. That doesn’t mean he’s involved at all selecting subcontractors. So he might not know what backgrounds they have, and would have to speak to colleagues for you.

I work in a biscuit factory and I’m a good engineer. Couldn’t negotiate a price for flour though! You sound like you have him on a pedestal a little about his industry knowledge and his nepotism-gifting-potential!

But there’s a huge difference between you saying, “I’ve just spent the day watching these intro to web design courses on skillshare, and I’m going to look into courses, what do you think?” and you saying, “write me a business plan.”

Exactly. Did you go to him having spent the past 6 weeks researching and a list of a few courses you thought might be worth doing or did you just rock up with no knowledge other than "DH says this is piss easy"?

Lots of people think other's jobs can be done with "very little skill" until they actually do them.

I would do as much as possible and he would advise to fill the gaps.

If you go this route you're going to step on his toes and I can see huge rows where you've coded something badly and he has to spend ages cleaning it up.

What I meant was, you specialise in a different part of this new business, i.e. marketing and getting clients, and running the back office, and he does the projects using his expertise.

If anything focus on marketing and have your DH do the technical stuff, create a real business, you could pick bits up as you go along
The problem is he’s at work full time, otherwise that would be an ideal scenario.

I voted YANBU because of the way he spoke to you and put you down. I think it's a bit unreasonable what you're asking of him however he could have just suggested the type of courses for you to start with, that wouldn't have taken much effort from him. It sounds like he's hoping you don't succeed for some reason

If he isn’t going to be supportive then I’m better off choosing another job where I have a relative on the inside

See, this is making you sound like a complete freeloader! You want a job where you don’t have to start at the bottom because you think someone else should put in lots of their own work to give you a leg up! If your own husband thinks you’re taking the piss, I can’t imagine you’ll have much luck persuading anyone else to dedicate loads of their free time to set you up.

What qualifications does your husband have?

Starting from the bottom gets you nowhere. Why not take advantage of nepotism if the opportunity is available? DH could give me support and access to info that money can’t buy. That was a major factor in me wanting to go into the same industry. If he isn’t going to be supportive then I’m better off choosing another job where I have a relative on the inside.

starting at the bottom is what gives you a total understanding and grounding in an industry though. Its not all cheap hacks and nepotism. Which, with your reference to 'another relative on the inside' seems to be what you are after - a leg up in any industry where you dont actually have the expertise or deep undertanding or qualification of the job you are going for?

you say your husband makes software sound exciting - well thats because he is good at it, he obviously enjoys it and have a deep undertanding of it (which also explains his disdain for the fly by nights)

Its not your love. You just think its going to be easy money off the back of someone elses work.

You have skills. You have experience. Rather than trying to hitch on someone elses experience (and risk their downfall if you fail to deliver based on their recommendation) why not spend some time finding out what YOU actually like, and how your skills can fit into that. Some apitude testing, or a careers coach. Your skills may well mean that you can start halfway up, rather than the bottom. But its not a good look to just be after anything because someone you know has put in the work

@TigerBrite

So do software if you want, but find a way to do it yourself, like everyone else does when they're starting out Starting from the bottom gets you nowhere. Why not take advantage of nepotism if the opportunity is available? DH could give me support and access to info that money can’t buy. That was a major factor in me wanting to go into the same industry. If he isn’t going to be supportive then I’m better off choosing another job where I have a relative on the inside.

Your won't be hired for anything because of your husband. It would be based completely on your portfolio. You are going to have to go back to school and learn all the coding languages and do projects including designing your own website. Knowing your husband is not going to help you with that

“So DH will get told to program something for a small business who is selling it on to their client at a huge markup. So the small business is basically doing the easy bits and hiring DH to do the hard bits, then selling the whole package to their client for a profit.“

Oh dear.

You really need to take another wee think about that.

No, your husband is doing the easy bit. Just because the other company doesn’t have the specialist knowledge for that bit of the programming, doesn’t make that the hard bit.

The hardest bits are getting your business set up, finding clients, understanding what the hell clients want when they don’t know themselves - or sometimes worse, when they think they know 🤣, delivering to clients, client relationships...

All of that is why your husband hasn’t set up alone - if he really wanted to. I’m afraid you’ve swallowed his self important nonsense.

@TigerBrite

If it’s that easy and lucrative and he knows all about it, he’s be doing it himself. He wants to. But he can’t because his salary pays the mortgage.

Why couldn’t he pay the mortgage doing this contract work if it’s so easy?

If you are going to be out of work, there are many college courses starting in January. I took six years out to raise babies, my first move was to go back to college and retrain in a completely different field, I had never seen a computer before then so had to start from scratch, I ended up in the marketing field interestingly. Had a great career out of that. Enquire at your local college, job training agency.

The problem is he’s at work full time, otherwise that would be an ideal scenario.

That's what evenings and weekends are for. Competition is fierce, it's not like you're going to be overrun with clients and projects right from launch; it'll be one, then a while with nothing, then one more if you're lucky, and so on.

I suspect though that DH doesn't want to set up on his own. If this is your idea/dream, then be prepared you won't be skilled enough to actually charge money for this for 5+ years. Or do something else.

This reminds me of the "chocolate covered treats" thread from a few days back where the OP got uppity that people were pooh-poohing her business idea when she'd never even made a test batch of her proposed product.

OP it sounds like your DH could have been kinder but you're wanting him to put more work into getting you set up than you're willing to put in for yourself. No wonder he's peeved.

Have you been applying for jobs??

@Redlocks30

You’ve seized on an idea to set you up in business that will involve loads or time, plans and work...for your husband!

I can see why he’s not thrilled. If it’s that easy and lucrative and he knows all about it, he’s be doing it himself.

This, totally.

Rather than trying to set up as a freelancer in an industry in which you have no background and one which, moreover, is absolutely flooded (every 19 year old with an iMac can build websites in their bedrooms these days) why not take as your starting point the skills, experience or interests you actually have and look at ways to exploit those on a freelance basis? There are loads of courses you could take online to retrain - and Google will be more help to you in finding them than your husband.

I think there are two issues here. One is that he has been really unkind in the way he expressed his views, and as his wife you deserve greater kindness and tact than you’ve been given. You have every right to be upset that he expressed himself so rudely and in such an unsupportive way.

A separate issue is the question of the business. I do think it’s slightly naive to assume you could set up your own business in a field where you have no previous skills or training, and your husband is probably better placed than you to understand how difficult that would actually be. He may not see any future in it even if he does invest time in helping you.

That doesn’t make it ok that he was as unkind about it as he was - he could have told you in a way which was supportive. But I would separate out the way he spoke to you from the way he feels about the idea, because I do think they’re two separate things.

He was rude and nasty to you and that's not good.

But it sounds a bit like the hare brained schemes my husband's siblings come up with sometimes. It's all "I've got a brilliant idea" that they go on and on about wanting to do in partnership with him, like buying a pub or property development but it ( always ) emerges that they want him to front the start up costs, and basically do all the financial/legal management (accountant) whilst they waft in and out giving orders and doing the bits they fancy. He does get quite irritated with them. (They don't work and he works full time).

In the early years of our relationship he'd sometimes get swept along with these ideas and I'd have to quite sharply point out the flaws in the plan and knock it on the head. Such as "how are you going to pay your share of the mortgage and bills while you're spending a year trying to break even?" "Well you can support us for a year ..." NO! Such as
"How will you fund the start up?" (He never saves any money though I do) "well you have savings/we can get a loan secured on the house" NO!!!

He doesn't do it any more, though his siblings still try. I do get exasperated and cross because it's very annoying.

@TigerBrite

So do software if you want, but find a way to do it yourself, like everyone else does when they're starting out Starting from the bottom gets you nowhere. Why not take advantage of nepotism if the opportunity is available? DH could give me support and access to info that money can’t buy. That was a major factor in me wanting to go into the same industry. If he isn’t going to be supportive then I’m better off choosing another job where I have a relative on the inside.

Gosh, I was a bit on the fence til I read this - you seem determined to piggyback on the success of others rather than put in the work yourself, not a particularly nice characteristic. Perhaps something you have been guilty of in the past which is why your husband isn't that keen?

He should not have spoken to you that way but I think you came across equally as insulting to him.
It seems like you just heard the words easy money and you are determined now to do it based on that. And you want him to take on a bulk of it too.
It's very insulting to think you can just do a quick course and be on par as him. More so if you are then expecting contracts based on 'nepotism'. I can see why he got so frustrated with you.
And to think you can just open a business after a quick few courses- very insulting to people who work their way up through experience over time.

Starting from the bottom gets you nowhere. Why not take advantage of nepotism if the opportunity is available?

Now that's just being childish. Yes nepotism (or personal networking as we prefer to call it!) is invaluable but you have to start somewhere and you know nothing so where else can you start? When you show that you can take the first steps for yourself then maybe you'll be in a position to benefit from your DH's background.

It's not clear to me that your DH wants to start up a business with you or that it would be a good idea if he did, because you are very naive about running a business. He's probably better off sticking to his day job. That doesn't stop you from becoming a succcessful website deisgner/developer in your own right.

Perhaps something you have been guilty of in the past which is why your husband isn't that keen?

I rather suspect you are right here. I wonder if we had the husband’s side, he may come across less ‘angry’ and that he ‘criticised me until he made me cry’, but more frustrated and trying to get the OP to see that her idea of him doing all the work was unfair and unreasonable.

My DD used to cry when conversations didn’t go the way she wanted; I expect her version of events to her friends was that I was being angry and making her cry. I wasn’t and didn’t.

It would give him an exit plan from his current job which he can’t leave because it pays the mortgage. I only need to match his current salary then he’s free to quit.

You "only" need to match his salary - when you have no skills or experience? Easy peasy.

I hope you don't talk to him like this often. I can see why he got cross if you did.

Thats a shitty response from your husband what about some support. I do think first though you need to take on some courses and learn as much as you can before you ask him to basically train you from scratch as that is a big undertaking. To undermine your enthusiasm though was nasty