To expect DH’s help and support?

[TigerBrite]

I used to work in hospitality but have been unemployed for several months due to Covid. There’s no sign of jobs like mine returning any time soon, and when they do the competition will be huge. I could be unemployed for years.

DH works in web design at a big computing firm. They often hire freelance contractors to do bits and bobs, and they have small “one man band” companies who hire their equipment and collaborate with them. DH often complains that these self employed guys are just knocking out websites with very little skill and are probably earning as much as he does. So I thought if they can do it then so can I? Not necessarily working with DH, just using his expert knowledge and skills to guide and inform my freelance business.

I planned to learn the basics with DH’s support and build up slowly, studying while DC is at school and working from home. I asked DH to help me write a business plan because he knows everything about the industry.

He has refused. He said I don’t have the skills, there are lots of complicated factors I haven’t considered like needing equipment and insurance, and where would I find clients? In fact he criticised me until he made me cry. I said yes, that’s why I asked you to direct me on what to learn, advise me and help me write a business plan? So then he got angry and said if you want to do it then just do it, why do I have to be involved? You just want me to do it for you because you’re not capable of doing anything by yourself! It’s not my business and if you can’t do it yourself then you shouldn’t be doing it at all!

So now I feel really demotivated because I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to support me with his expert knowledge, because I’m his wife but also because he would benefit from having a wife who’s employed and earning money. I chose this path because I had an expert to advise me and I have no idea where to start on my own.

I agree that he wasn't kind but I also agree with PPs that it is a bit annoying to have someone suggest that they move into your industry with no experience or skills. I'm v senior in a profession that you can get into with no specialist training (although you do have to have lots of on the job training) and it's amazing how many people ask similar of me. As if I have nothing better to do and it takes 5 minutes to learn what I've spent 25 years perfecting.

It's perhaps a little unrealistic to expect to get up to speed this quickly but there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to change direction and at least establish what you'd have to do to to make a go of it or even work out whether it's feasible/something you're really interested in.

If I was being charitable I'd say that perhaps your DH is miffed at someone thinking the area he works in is so easy that anyone could train up from scratch and have their own company within a year. Totally different area but I remember a showjumper who seemed to think that he could go from not knowing how to ride to competing at a high level in short time - he never seemed to understand that this was deeply offensive to other riders who'd spent a lifetime learning their sport.

But I'm not going to be charitable because your DH sounds like a nasty, spiteful little arse

Do you even have any interest or experience at all in software development or did you just pick it out of the air as something to do?
I have an amateur interest in software but no professional expertise. I also have a little bit of experience in doing marketing and bookkeeping at my previous job. I’ve organised projects on my own but not software related.

The fact is, any job I choose will be something in which I have no expertise, because I have no expertise full stop. My choices are to a. gain expertise in something, or b. spend the rest of my life doing poorly paid jobs that require no expertise.

Do you really think that the contractors are “knocking out websites with very little skill”?

Really?

I don’t even think that your husband is an arse for saying that, cos it’s just defensive human nature to put other people down I think, to boost yourself. He’s like a caveman showing off that he has the biggest piece of flint on his spear 🤷🏻‍♀️ Slagging off contractors happens ALL the time. As for the “probably getting paid more than me” line... it’s such a cliché. As I posted above, holiday, sick, security... it’s just a thing for permanently employed people to bitch about the contractors and all the money they make. Yet never go freelance themselves, huh? Your husband is just another permie cliché! (I’m permie too, I’m not saying it because I’m freelance!)

Look... if you want to train in the field, go for it!
But pro tip: don’t start off in the field by blindly swallowing his nonsense that it’s easy money for the unskilled. You’ll fail with that attitude.

@TigerBrite

Do you even have any interest or experience at all in software development or did you just pick it out of the air as something to do? I have an amateur interest in software but no professional expertise. I also have a little bit of experience in doing marketing and bookkeeping at my previous job. I’ve organised projects on my own but not software related.

The fact is, any job I choose will be something in which I have no expertise, because I have no expertise full stop. My choices are to a. gain expertise in something, or b. spend the rest of my life doing poorly paid jobs that require no expertise.

But this plan hinges entirely on your DH doing all the legwork, by the sounds of it.

Can you think of anything else that you could do, completely independently and look at starting out to train for that?
I would actually like to do software. DH makes it sound interesting and engaging, and there are lots of opportunities. Why do I have to do something different?

I think he was a bit harsh but in essence he's right. It takes a lot of work to set up on your own when you're already an expert, starting from scratch you'd need a LOT of his support.

But I do think you're right to consider retraining - a chef friend of mine just lost his job and he's retraining as a train driver.

I'm v senior in a profession that you can get into with no specialist training (although you do have to have lots of on the job training) and it's amazing how many people ask similar of me. As if I have nothing better to do and it takes 5 minutes to learn what I've spent 25 years perfecting.

Same! "That looks good, could I sit with you for half an hour whilst you show me how to do it..."
So you want me to showcase all my hard earned expertise in 30 minutes?! How insulting!

Sounds like a nightmare for your DH, why not start off with some training/ a course. You need to make solid steps toward a new career before asking him for support too. It sounds as though he’d be expected to do an awful lot!

You need to get yourself signed up to a reputable web design course. You can't expect your husband to teach you alongside his work; that would really impact on his productivity (or his free time). He may be able to take a look at courses you are considering and tell you whether they look any good. There seem to be a lot of "learn it in 30 days" type courses, which I would not imagine would give you the level of skill you would need to be a freelance contractor - they probably help if you're a small company wanting to do your own website, but a company hiring a contractor is looking to buy in greater expertise.

Slagging off contractors happens ALL the time.

My company employs a lot of contractors. Some of them are excellent. Some of them are better at talking up what they can do than actually doing it.

I recently worked with a contractor who took 3 months to do what should have taken him 3 weeks, took up a lot of my time, and then assumed he knew more about the company than I did, ignored all my advice and consequently produced work that had I had to redo after he'd left. If OP's DH works with similar contractors, I understand why he is slagging them off.

What does your husband actually do for his company?

And what do you want to do? There seems to be stuff here about you designing websites, and subcontracting to companies like the one your husband works for, but also about you subcontracting from them?

To be honest, it does sound a bit mad to have jumped ahead to doing a business plan when you don't as yet have even the basic skills. You really need to do some independent programming and website building training first to find out if it is for you before you start thinking of going into business.

What sort of work did you do in hospitality? If it was something like catering you might be better off looking into a home catering or baking business, or something similar. If it was on the admin side, your skills ought to be reasonably easily transferable.

@TigerBrite

Can you think of anything else that you could do, completely independently and look at starting out to train for that? I would actually like to do software. DH makes it sound interesting and engaging, and there are lots of opportunities. Why do I have to do something different?

You don't have to do anything different, but if software is what you want then you need to source your own training rather than expect your DH to do it all.

@TigerBrite

Can you think of anything else that you could do, completely independently and look at starting out to train for that? I would actually like to do software. DH makes it sound interesting and engaging, and there are lots of opportunities. Why do I have to do something different?

You don't have to do something different. But your DH doesn't want to help you to work in his field. So do software if you want, but find a way to do it yourself, like everyone else does when they're starting out

@RedskyAtnight

Slagging off contractors happens ALL the time.

My company employs a lot of contractors. Some of them are excellent. Some of them are better at talking up what they can do than actually doing it.

I recently worked with a contractor who took 3 months to do what should have taken him 3 weeks, took up a lot of my time, and then assumed he knew more about the company than I did, ignored all my advice and consequently produced work that had I had to redo after he'd left. If OP's DH works with similar contractors, I understand why he is slagging them off.

I’ve certainly had that experience too @RedskyAtnight

But I’ve also worked with contractors who we all are left gobsmacked by their brilliance and rather in awe!

I’m not saying that all contractors are great. But I have come across loads of people who just love to have a whinge about these overpaid freelancers who swan in for the cash and swan out leaving the problems... how rubbish they are, how much “I could do better”. Slagging off contractors is a hobby with these types, and in my opinion reflects their own personality more than it does their experience of freelancer’s work!

I would actually like to do software. DH makes it sound interesting and engaging, and there are lots of opportunities. Why do I have to do something different?

Web design and "doing" software are 2 different things. Maybe spend some time researching different jobs in IT, what they involve and the skills required?

You say you have an amateur interest in software. What does this actually mean? People who have an interest in coding or web design don't just say they are interested in it, they go off and dabble, create their own code, possibly get involved with online communities etc. You are coming across as someone with a sudden enthusiasm which won't come to anything. Find out exactly what you are interested in and demonstrate a genuine interest (possibly by exchanging ideas with your DH, not just asking him what to do) - then your DH may be more ready to support you.

DH often complains that these self employed guys are just knocking out websites with very little skill and are probably earning as much as he does.

He sounds a bit like he's fed up tbh! I presume that at some point he's researched his role, put himself through course/degree, got his experience and was having a moan about not getting paid or appreciated enough compared to freelancers. Now you want to do exactly the thing he's irritated by but with him helping you for free!

I 100% agree with Cocomarine. Also do you think it's possible that he doesn't actually know exactly what you need to do to become a website developer and is embarrassed to admit it?

If you aren't self starting enough to go away and do the research into the job yourself you are most definitely not cut out for self employment.
You've worked in hospitality there are any number of customer service roles that you would have the relevant experience for.

It's perhaps a little unrealistic to expect to get up to speed this quickly
I’ve allowed a year to study, probably online. I can’t do a degree because I already did a science degree when I was younger. I don’t have the money for a Masters.

Ouch. Plenty of people retrain. It is possible and coming from hospitality you will have great client comms skills, which will be helpful in taking requirements from clients on what they want (a really hard bit in creative industry - clients are not always good at articulating what they actually want, and sometimes what they want and what they need are widely different and your skill is to help them there).

Nice BBC article on how people from the hospitality trying out new businesses link here

If you are wanting to do web design, go ahead and train. Do business plans, etc. Maybe your DH is not the best mentor. YANBU to want support.

Firstly OP he shouldn't be shouting at you until you cry. He was really nasty and I wonder if this is a one off or how he typically treats you?

The job issue is seperate. It isn't unreasonable that after working all day he doesn't want to come home and be your business mentor.

If you want to go into that line or work, get online and do some research, find some online courses, look at job specs to see what qualifications they're asking for.

But honestly, if that's how he treats you, you have bigger issues

There seems to be stuff here about you designing websites, and subcontracting to companies like the one your husband works for, but also about you subcontracting from them?
DH’s employer hires out their servers and other equipment to small businesses, and they hire out the expertise of their staff. But when they’re overworked and have too many clients they also hire in freelancers to do the extra work.

I think he sounds like an arrogant prick TBH .However you are being a little naive to imagine you can start something like this with no background at all .He seems to be one of these men(is it me or do there seem to be more and more lately?) who thinks his job is sooo important and special, that it would practically take a Professor to do it! If you want to start maybe look at courses at your local college or online if you can.Some men seem to want to have the "best" job and be revered for it ,its a way of keeping you down .Not quite abuse but not far from it!