New man and Instagram

[jennyfromthedocks]

Please help me
Make sense of my feelings and whether I am being unreasonable .
Seeing a new man for the last few months. All going incredibly well. We have mutual feelings and are enjoying the first flushes of a new relationship. We are both late 40's.
We are now friends on social media.
I noticed that he follows a few women who are quite sexy, scantily dressed etc . He has liked and commented on one of these women in the past. Not since we have met .
I am upset. I think I
Am upset because I didn't think he was creepy or a sleaze. He has wonderful
Relationships with his sisters, mother, daughters etc .
I have told him that this is a dealbreaker for
Me . He is very apologetic and has deleted those few accounts . Am I nuts or reasonable ?
This is so new to me after a long marriage which ended after exh affair .
Thanks everyone .

It's pretty sleazy and pathetic when men do this. If you don't like it then you have the right to say so

I think that you sound a bit over sensitive. Assuming he’s been single then I don’t think it’s unlikely that men do this tbh. If it makes you feel uncomfortable then so be it but I don’t think there’s anything wrong per se.

I Am Possibly being oversensitive for sure. I guess that I didn't know this part of his character and I am really surprised and disappointed but part of
Me thinks I am
Over reacting . I am due to spend the weekend with him and I feel so confused , I don't want to meet him. Could this have something to do with the breakdown of my marriage ? It seems like an irrational reaction even if he was liking and commenting on a few accounts .

I think you did the right thing bringing it up and he did the right thing apologising and deleting them. I’d give him a chance if everything else is going well.

Hes done what you've asked? What more do you expect?

I wouldn't be keen but I think you're overreacting. If the end of your marriage has affected you so badly, should you speak to someone?

As you’ve raised your concerns with him and he’s deleted the accounts, why not take some time to see how things progress now? There’s no point in deliberately creating an additional problem.

I have had lots of counselling .
I am surprised at
My reaction being so strong.
It's finding out that he has this other side to him that really upsets me. I never had him
Down as a sleaze or
Creep but yes he was single at the time and hasn't had any activity on those accounts since we met .

I'm so afraid of being hurt again I don't know if I'm willing to take the risk. I had no idea that my exh was having an affair for
Months despite all the signs in front of me and having spent some
Months getting to know this new man, I'm so surprised and disappointed that he is one of those insta creeps . Maybe it's too much effort .

You brought it up, he apologised and deleted - that’s fair enough. He was single when he followed these people, so he hasn’t done anything wrong.
Don’t let hang ups about your previous relationship spoil this one. I nearly did!

Keep the communication going though - does he know how your past relationship affected you?

He knows that I was shocked and humiliated . He also knows that my ex husband was sexually
Coercive . I like him very
Much and believed it to be
Mutual . I thought we had something special but now I'm
Wondering if my ' deceptive men 'radar is completely off ?

I mean, it’s a bit sad, and I assume he doesn’t know these women, and even if he did he does not stand a chance with them. I have a friend who works in a strip club as a dancer, and she posts a lot of scantily clad photos of herself on Instagram and all manner of weirdos comment and like them. We laugh at the comments.

But he’s deleted them, and said he is sorry that you feel uncomfortable. If he is otherwise not a sleaze and is respectful and kind then talk it through with him and show him the error of his ways. Also tell him that the women he is commenting on literally take the piss out of him, because they definitely do.

I think feeling humiliated is a bit strong. It’s not like he followed these women while he was with you.
Judge him on his behaviour from now on, not on his ‘single’ behaviour.

I
Meant humiliated when my marriage ended, in answer to a q by a pp. thanks for response .

If he was my friend, I'd tell him to run. If a man wrote your posts the responses here would be very different ; controlling with emotional issues that you should sort before projecting them onto a new partner.

Ok thanks for the alternative view.

Any more opinions appreciated please?

I’m sorry OP but I don’t understand why you are upset. A single man was liking pictures of women he fancied, when he was single. Provide none of them are too young etc. or there are any other red flags. It’s not unusual behavior.

He cannot change what he did when single, he can listen to how uncomfortable it makes you and respond accordingly - which he has done by deleting accounts.

Unfortunately I think you are right in relating this to your past experiences. His actions once you’ve spoken indicate respect. It would be unfair to be upset with him further, when there is nothing he can do to change.

I would also agree with a previous poster, if this was reversed, and a female was posting about a new man being upset by her social media while single, the responses would be that asking her to apologise would be a red flag for controlling behaviour.

I think you are being a massive drama lama, sorry! It’s a non issue

He sounds like a pathetic sleeze.
DP doesn't have instagram, he does like a few beautiful tattooed models. However he doesn't make comments thats just weird!

I disagree that it the roles were reversed people would be saying it's controlling, not with the exact same situation where one party was really insecure due to their experiences. He's recognised that it's upset you and apologised, even though he may not have really needed to, he has and that to me says alot about his character.

Don't throw away what is by all other mention, a good thing. See how things go.

Personally I wouldn’t date someone who had these values. To me it reeks of a male who values women and their physical appearance, to a point of objectification. But that’s just me.

How you personally feel about it probably is a reflection of your own insecurities. There’s no need to feel humiliated etc.

But I would still not date a man that showed me that this is who he is. I want my partner to value strong intelligent women. Of course, these women he followed could have been strong intelligent women whilst also posting sexy shots, but unfortunately the majority of Instagram girls who do this don’t fit in that category.

I noticed that he follows a few women who are quite sexy, scantily dressed etc . He has liked and commented on one of these women in the past. Not since we have met . I am upset. I think I
Am upset because I didn't think he was creepy or a sleaze.

Why is he a "sleaze" for finding some women attractive and enjoying looking at their pictures?

What was the comment he made on Instagram?

Personally it wouldn’t bother me. He was single at the time.

I also think it’s a bit odd that you have gone through his followers etc to find these account. I don’t know who my partner follows and doesn’t follow if I’m honest.

I mean it’s hard to judge without knowing what he said in the comments, but from what you’ve said so far it does sound like an overreaction on your part. I think I’d be a bit if a new partner trawled through my social media likes and comments from when I was single and then got upset at me about it.