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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New man and Instagram

129 replies

jennyfromthedocks · 30/10/2020 08:14

Please help me
Make sense of my feelings and whether I am being unreasonable .
Seeing a new man for the last few months. All going incredibly well. We have mutual feelings and are enjoying the first flushes of a new relationship. We are both late 40's.
We are now friends on social media.
I noticed that he follows a few women who are quite sexy, scantily dressed etc . He has liked and commented on one of these women in the past. Not since we have met .
I am upset. I think I
Am upset because I didn't think he was creepy or a sleaze. He has wonderful
Relationships with his sisters, mother, daughters etc .
I have told him that this is a dealbreaker for
Me . He is very apologetic and has deleted those few accounts . Am I nuts or reasonable ?
This is so new to me after a long marriage which ended after exh affair .
Thanks everyone .

OP posts:
Wyntersdiary · 30/10/2020 10:51

Sorry you sound controlling and you also stalked his Instagram to see who he followed .... That's a bit wierd

OfTheNight · 30/10/2020 10:54

He was single at the time. To be honest I think it’s a bit strange that you got are so upset even though he’s deleted the profiles.
We all fancy people. I have the biggest crush on Chris Hemsworth and I follow him on Instagram. DP knows this and has no issues.
But I can understand if you have insecurities as a result of your previous husband’s behaviour, did you explain why these profiles had such an impact on you? How do you feel about him having dated other women and his previous relationships?

floofycroissant · 30/10/2020 11:00

Loneliness can take many forms. He's taken the correct steps to make amends. YAB a bit U to carry on about it.

Original poster
jennyfromthedocks · 30/10/2020 11:02

I did not stalk his account . Several people he follows came up as suggested friends and the profile pics were of the girls in their lingerie etc.
I am upset because I never saw any signs of him being creepy etc before . His comments were one words .. eg stunning, beautiful, with a flame emoji , in the few I saw.
I guess it's just another new part of him but it's one I don't like, whose, in the case of his ig use, values I don't share but that was when he was single so as a few pp advised , I'll
See how we progress from here .

OP posts:
Original poster
jennyfromthedocks · 30/10/2020 11:05

@OfTheNight I have no issue with his past relationships or marriage . We all have a past and I respect that totally. I
Am Not a jealous woman. I am upset that he is the type that did this. I find it pathetic and my opinion of him has changed a little.

OP posts:
JeezLouisePlease · 30/10/2020 11:06

I think we need to know details of how you come to find him a sleaze. What was his comment in the past?

I follow a few sexy male movie stars accounts yet I’m happily married and would run a mile from a real life affair.

Perhaps he was sleazy or inappropriate whilst single. Or perhaps your past is trying to ruin your future?

Oulidae · 30/10/2020 11:07

Your reaction would be a very big red flag for me that you are not over what happened with your ex husband and possibly quite insecure and controlling.

Original poster
jennyfromthedocks · 30/10/2020 11:08

@JeezLouisePlease . I think you have hit the nail on the head with my past affecting my future . I doubt I'll ever trust any man fully, within reason, ever again. Thanks.

OP posts:
Halliehallie9828 · 30/10/2020 11:08

Dump him then and save him the hassle of all the insecurities you will throw at him.

You had to click on all these profiles and find his comments so you did stalk his IG account.

JeezLouisePlease · 30/10/2020 11:08

From your post above, as these comments were when he was single, and they just sound complimentary to me, then I think you’re massively overreacting.

If this is all there us to it, I think it’s more your issues than his.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2020 11:10

All he did was comment "stunning" or "beautiful", ffs. You are being completely ridiculous.

OfTheNight · 30/10/2020 11:12

I suppose we all have different experiences and different tolerances OP. If what he has done has changed how you see him and you feel there is a lack of trust, then it’s probably best to end it now for both of you.

Original poster
jennyfromthedocks · 30/10/2020 11:14

@OfTheNight yes, the difference in the opinions of so many responses here show that we all have different tolerances and values .
Thanks to everyone for each and every response .

OP posts:
LaBellina · 30/10/2020 11:17

@Seedbomb

I think you did the right thing bringing it up and he did the right thing apologising and deleting them. I’d give him a chance if everything else is going well.
^^ this
workhomesleeprepeat · 30/10/2020 11:18

Hi OP, not sure if you’re still reading but adding my two cents. I think this has hit you hard, and I maybe would not feel ‘humiliated’ but I would find it gross and sad if a guy I was dating went as far to comment on pics like that. I’m of the mind that a grown person should be able to look at whatever they like, and I know my partner has a few celebs he follows! But he doesn’t comment on posts...I would find that tacky and pathetic from a grown man.

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 30/10/2020 11:21

that would be a massive turn off for me. A man in his late 40s? Ugh.

Fuun123 · 30/10/2020 11:22

I think he doesn’t sound like a sleaze to me. Lots of men do it - lots of women do it. It’s just attention. He was single. I think you’re overreacting and if I was him I would be walking away as sounds like your issues from your previous relationship are being transferred to this one. It won’t work if you judge him by your ex partners standards.

Ritascornershop · 30/10/2020 11:23

While I would never follow half dressed men on Instagram, this is because I’m a woman. Men are very visual, I don’t think it’d “sleazy” of a man to do this.. Mountain out of a molehill.

lyingwanker · 30/10/2020 11:28

I don't think the liking or following is the problem but it's the comments. It's just sad and desperate to me. I often get weirdos commenting on my pics and that's how I feel about them, like do they expect the stunning model to think "oh yeah 40 year old Phil from Croydon has said I'm hot, let's get it on"?

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 30/10/2020 11:28

While I would never follow half dressed men on Instagram, this is because I’m a woman. Men are very visual

I better unfollow all the models I follow on IG then cos I'm a woman and apparently not visual. You may not be but can we please stop perpetuating stereotypes of what particular genders like or dislike.

Anyway, OP, if he's listened to your concerns and unfollowed the accounts then I'd reckon all is good.

lyingwanker · 30/10/2020 11:29

By the way I'm definitely not saying that I'm a stunning model in my comment Grin

gindinner · 30/10/2020 11:29

I think you need to drop this kind of controlling behaviour. Frankly I think it was none of your business who he was commenting on or which pics he liked. You're going to have to accept he finds other women attractive. Don't you fancy other men? Why have you developed feelings for a man you don't trust.

Fuun123 · 30/10/2020 11:30

@gindinner

I think you need to drop this kind of controlling behaviour. Frankly I think it was none of your business who he was commenting on or which pics he liked. You're going to have to accept he finds other women attractive. Don't you fancy other men? Why have you developed feelings for a man you don't trust.
Agree 100%
Bumshkawahwah · 30/10/2020 11:35

I’d feel the same in your shoes, OP, I’d find it sleazy and creepy. It’s not overreacting, it’s just not what you personally want in a partner.

To those who said he’s fine nothing wrong, that’s not really the point. The OP is allowed to be turned off by any behaviour. Some - like me - find this guy’s behaviour a bit creepy and sad, others couldn’t care less.

OP, if I were you, I’d just give yourself some time to process it all and see how you feel about him. If it’s a deal-breaker, it’s a deal-breaker, no matter how big or small. At least you aren’t just sweeping your feelings under the carpet.

popcornlover · 30/10/2020 11:39

It’s good that he’s deleted them. Men get up to all kinds on social media, and girlfriends are as ever blissfully oblivious. Just be like everyone else and pretend it doesn’t happen.

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