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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New man and Instagram

129 replies

jennyfromthedocks · 30/10/2020 08:14

Please help me
Make sense of my feelings and whether I am being unreasonable .
Seeing a new man for the last few months. All going incredibly well. We have mutual feelings and are enjoying the first flushes of a new relationship. We are both late 40's.
We are now friends on social media.
I noticed that he follows a few women who are quite sexy, scantily dressed etc . He has liked and commented on one of these women in the past. Not since we have met .
I am upset. I think I
Am upset because I didn't think he was creepy or a sleaze. He has wonderful
Relationships with his sisters, mother, daughters etc .
I have told him that this is a dealbreaker for
Me . He is very apologetic and has deleted those few accounts . Am I nuts or reasonable ?
This is so new to me after a long marriage which ended after exh affair .
Thanks everyone .

OP posts:
AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 30/10/2020 15:14

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

IMO, there's a certain 'type' of man who does this. It speaks volumes about who he is. It's sleazy, grim.. and also, by actively following/liking/commenting and leaving a trail that his family/colleagues etc can see, well I just think that's pretty pathetic and shows pure judgement, even for a single person.

Give him a chance, yes. But keep your eyes open.
There is nothing at all wrong with keeping your bar high.

Neron · 30/10/2020 15:47

YABU.
You can't punish him for your insecurities caused by your ex. So what if he made some comments in the past, he hasn't made them since and has done what you wanted anyway?
If you're attitude to him is marred by this, then perhaps you should separate. It also doesn't bode well to have one person (you) so controlling.

2020iscancelled · 30/10/2020 15:48

I think the important thing is how he’s reacted since you’ve said you’re not comfortable with him liking and following overtly sexual accounts on social media.
He’s said he understands and agrees to put your feelings first. I think you should be judging him on that - not what he liked or didnt like pre meeting you. He is an adult and even if you personally don’t like provocative images - a lot of people do and I don’t think they should have to apologise for that.

I agree that it’s a little off putting to see your partner ogling sexy pics of another woman but realistically he hasn’t done anything wrong. I have liked pics of attractive men on insta, I shamelessly follow a couple of men who are just ridiculously beautiful.

I would be wary of a man who tried to control what I viewed on my social media, I wouldn’t do anything which they found disrespectful but I wouldn’t want to be policed as an adult.

I think you’d be throwing away what sounds like a healthy and happy potential relationship for something which doesn’t need to be a big deal.
You’d struggle to find a man who hasn’t looked at provocative images of women in one way or another.

I think you could get over it by realising that it doesn’t make him a creep or pathetic or anything - it makes him human and that how he treats YOU now in real life which matters.

Noitjustwontdo · 30/10/2020 15:50

I’ve used Instagram for years so in order to fish this information out you have trawled through his following list, found the ‘sexy’ women then gone through their photos to find evidence of him liking and commenting on their pics.

It’s a bit bonkers tbh, I’m not sure why you have done this. Who he follows and which photos he liked before you were even together really has no bearing on anything.

Nanny0gg · 30/10/2020 15:58

@jennyfromthedocks

Thanks for those posts . I think he may be worth my time and effort. The irony is that he has been kind , respectful and has gone over and above As far as attentiveness and showing love and tenderness since we have met . It remains to be seen. I think we need a serious chat about it all and I guess I need to be extra careful in watching for red flags in future . I'm Still on the fence if I'm Honest . I really dislike this about him .
How is he going to feel about the way you're dissecting his personality and demanding explanations?

You may not have the only say here...

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 30/10/2020 16:04

I noticed that he follows a few women who are quite sexy, scantily dressed etc . He has liked and commented on one of these women in the past. Not since we have met .

His comments were one words .. eg stunning, beautiful, with a flame emoji , in the few I saw.

How dare he call a woman stunning or beautiful, on a post that she has put on social media for public view, how sleazy and disrespectful!

...I'm of course being sarcastic. Sorry OP, but he has commented fairly innocent comments on one woman's account, when he was single and not since he has been with you? I think you're way overreacting tbh.

BurbageBrook · 30/10/2020 16:05

I wouldn't like it either but it's a really good sign that he's listening to you, taken your boundaries on board and has deleted the accounts without being defensive. I think it shows he's willing to listen and be responsive to your needs and boundaries.

Kinneddar · 30/10/2020 16:08

I think you're over reacting
Calling him a creep & a sleaze is a bit unfair. You said yourself his activity had stopped and he's also deleted the accounts. That seems more than reasonable.

I also think it’s a bit odd that you have gone through his followers etc to find these account

Totally agree.

topcat2014 · 30/10/2020 16:22

To be fair no one needs to post images of themselves on the internet if they don't want to.

TooLittleTooLate80 · 30/10/2020 16:23

@jennyfromthedocks

Thanks for those posts . I think he may be worth my time and effort. The irony is that he has been kind , respectful and has gone over and above As far as attentiveness and showing love and tenderness since we have met . It remains to be seen. I think we need a serious chat about it all and I guess I need to be extra careful in watching for red flags in future . I'm Still on the fence if I'm Honest . I really dislike this about him .
Whilst I think you're hugely overreacting if this is a red flag in your opinion you need to end it. You're entitled to feel however you feel about this for whatever reason and if something like this that seems so irrelevant to many is such a big issue for you then its possibly not something you're going to get past?
Thisismylife1 · 30/10/2020 16:26

Wow just read your update. I can’t see what you’re bothered about tbh. You sound very prudish and not very well matched.

IJustWantSomeBees · 30/10/2020 16:33

Trust your gut. I agree that sleaziness simply isn't attractive.

IJustWantSomeBees · 30/10/2020 16:36

Also the people saying you're weird for looking through his SM are overreacting. We live in a world where men can be very dangerous, it is both smart and natural to want to look at the image of himself that he is putting out into the world. OP has only known this man a few months, he is still a stranger and OP should still be vetting him, as she is.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 30/10/2020 16:41

@IJustWantSomeBees

Is it really sleazy for a single man to comment "beautiful" or "stunning" on one woman's Instagram posts? If he'd said "nice tits" or something then fair enough.

Autumnblooms · 30/10/2020 16:46

Strange thing to ask him to do or get upset about. I don’t do that, and I’m female (not that it makes a difference) but if Someone demanded I use my Instagram in a way that pleases them I’d tell them no, it’s my Instagram.

What do we mean by sleazy pictures? Are we talking half naked or lingerie?

I don’t think it’s anything to get upset about but so pleased for you you asked him and he was fine with it, that was lucky!

Tinacollada · 30/10/2020 16:47

I really don't think that there is anything that's happened here to warrant you feeling humiliated.

Agree with above poster that you are mid matched, which is fine, so save yourself the agony.

nosswith · 30/10/2020 16:52

He's an idiot to think that someone would not find out about his social media posts, be it you or a friend of yours.

I can understand it being a shock, and yes his response was apologetic, but he is not a 20 something man child.

MonicaBelulaGellar · 30/10/2020 16:55

I dont know why people are calling him a sleaze for following attractive women? Would you be the same if it was the opposite way? He is a man, they DO look but doesn't hes a sleaze! I have a good old look at Jason Momoa but does that mean I am a sleaze too? No its means I'm bloody human. Give him a break hes done nothing wrong. Hmm

MonicaBelulaGellar · 30/10/2020 16:56

Red flags??????? For following attractive woman before you got together? Get a grip! You must be very insecure to feel so strongly.

ninninannonoonoo · 30/10/2020 17:03

@slashlover

There have been ENTIRE threads on here of women commenting about who they fancy and how they follow them on twitter etc. Don't remember anyone calling them sleazy.
You beat me to it @slashlover.

@Cocomobile Mumsnet is social media so should we infer that anyone who posts on the threads salivating over the sexiness of males in the public eye are sleazy?

sammylady37 · 30/10/2020 17:06

The only red flags I see here are coming from you, op. If you have issues from your past, the onus is on you to sort them out, not make a new man pay for the sins of another. If a new boyfriend of mine went through my social media, commenting negatively on who I followed, what I posted etc, I wouldn’t think twice about getting rid of him. For his sake, I hope this guy can see that, or has friends who advise him, so that he can get away.

crimsonlake · 30/10/2020 17:08

Apart from the fact you may have different value, clearly you are not ready to be dating.

bloodyhairy · 30/10/2020 17:10

I'd be the same as you, OP. I wouldn't like to imagine the guy I'm with as being seedy.

MsStillwell · 30/10/2020 17:19

I feel for you OP. I think it's really tricky dating again after a long term relationship and its ending (however it ended). I thought I knew how to be a girlfriend. It turned out I only knew how to be a girlfriend to my ex. Getting together with new DP, I had a lot of new things to negotiate.

I was also very hurt and wary after the end of my long-term relationship, and I know that I will never trust in quite the same way again. I don't mean trusting men so much as trusting relationships. I don't believe in "forever" any more and I recoil slightly inside if DP says something that implies he'll always love me or will always be there for me.

MsStillwell · 30/10/2020 17:21

What did his comments actually say? I wouldn't be able to accept certain language.

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