New man and Instagram

[jennyfromthedocks]

Please help me
Make sense of my feelings and whether I am being unreasonable .
Seeing a new man for the last few months. All going incredibly well. We have mutual feelings and are enjoying the first flushes of a new relationship. We are both late 40's.
We are now friends on social media.
I noticed that he follows a few women who are quite sexy, scantily dressed etc . He has liked and commented on one of these women in the past. Not since we have met .
I am upset. I think I
Am upset because I didn't think he was creepy or a sleaze. He has wonderful
Relationships with his sisters, mother, daughters etc .
I have told him that this is a dealbreaker for
Me . He is very apologetic and has deleted those few accounts . Am I nuts or reasonable ?
This is so new to me after a long marriage which ended after exh affair .
Thanks everyone .

As a grown man I don't understand why people do this. There is no shortage of free images of women in swimsuits etc.

It feels like by following them or commenting on social media it has become a 2 way 'relationship' if that's the right word and these women are somehow their friends. I don't get it.

if my brother/nephew/male friend told me their very new GF had told them to unfollow certain people on instgram, I would tell them to run a fucking mile.

You cannot control and dictate that to him.

I don't really get how Instagram works, but I think you clicked around on various accounts to see these comments, is that right?
He can't do more than delete the accounts, but you see him differently now. Perhaps let this man go and wait a while before dating. Once you do, stay away from their social media as it is skewed anyway. Judge them by taking it slowly - letting them reveal who they are. There's no hurry to settle down or find 'the one'. It's likely you'll just date a mixed bunch of flawed people anyway, so enjoy what you can, when you can. Think of it as renting a house rather than buying. Minimal investment.

@DianaT1969 yes when I clicked on the profile picture of the girls, I saw his name and then comments under the pictures straight away.
I did not ' tell ' him to unfollow or delete anything. I told him I found that creepy and sleazy and that commenting on random
Girls bodies Who are unknown to him
was a deal
Breaker for me . I realise that we all have different tolerances etc and they are mine . I realise from reading all your responses that I am actually upset because I didn't think he was in any way like that. He is and I just don't like it and
Feel disappointed

No its grimy.. dont go there, would put me right off. His values are off and he is a sleazeball.. you cant change that now

@jennyfromthedocks I kind of get what you mean, it feels a bit icky to me when men comment on hot women's photos on SM, especially when they don't even know them. If they just kept their letching to themselves I wouldn't have an issue, but when they make it public by commenting it just seems sad. It always seems to be fairly average or unattractive older men commenting on much younger very attractive women too. I'm a bit embarrassed for these guys. Bleurgh!

I think it's good you have clear boundaries and were assertive about them. He's deleted the accounts which is something, but (only speaking for myself) I'd be disappointed too and it'd probably put me off. I know a lot of folk on here wouldn't care, but I do and so do you by the sounds of it. Yes, people can do what they want, but you're entitled not to like it and not to be with someone who has values you don't agree with (like thinking it's fine to be gawping at random women online as sex objects).

Controlling much? You arent going to change someone in their 40's. You have to accept that men and women do admire and look at the opposite sex. Why does it bother you so much? We all have a past.

Personally if I found out my new boyfriend who I had thought was decent, mature, sensible etc had been commenting and liking underwear models pics when recently single I would feel disappointed and maybe like I didn't know them at all... I haven't got your history so I might not be as triggered, but I would not like it much at all and I would question who they really were.

It would be a deal breaker for me. Not that he’s done anything wrong but someone who did stuff like this wouldn’t be the kind of person I’d want as a partner.

There have been ENTIRE threads on here of women commenting about who they fancy and how they follow them on twitter etc. Don't remember anyone calling them sleazy.

It would be deal breaker for me. It's something sleazy me do.

It doesn't have to be a problem but perhaps it's a sign that you're not a great fit together.

@slashlover

There have been ENTIRE threads on here of women commenting about who they fancy and how they follow them on twitter etc. Don't remember anyone calling them sleazy.

Ok here you go then: it’s sleazy, whether it is done by a man or a woman. Nothing wrong with appreciating a good looking person. But if your social media activity points to a pattern where objectification of a person is an activity you regularly partake in publicly, and there is a lack of similar statements of appreciation on other issues that have more social/environmental importance, then it speaks volumes of your character

@jennyfromthedocks

I’m happy to hear that this thread has been helpful to you to sort through your own feelings on the matter

It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. I don’t think it makes him a sleaze or devalue women. He looked and commented before he met you and he listened to your concerns. He sounds like a nice guy

I'm 100% with you OP. I would be very shocked and disappointed if any of the men in my life did this. It is sleazy and desperate and objectifying. I don't think you are being controlling at all, ignore all that. You told your partner honestly that you are uncomfortable with his behaviour and he agreed and deleted it. You didn't tell him to delete it and you didn't stalk him - when you link on social media this stuff is there for all to see. It would be way more problematic if you had ignored how this made you feel and just swallowed it.

Having said all that, I think you shouldn't make any snap decisions. You can be totally honest and let him know how much this has thrown you and why it is relating to your past and making you feel so strongly. Give him a chance to respond and see where it goes. People can do stupid things and people can change. Many women have to educate their male partners about feminism/objectification. My partner thought he had a good understanding when we met but he really didn't, and has come a long way. If I'd just given up at the start because he wasn't perfect I would have really lost out.

One thing is for sure though, ignoring it will not help. If it's a red flag to you you have to listen to your intuition. You won't get over your mistrust of men by ignoring red flags. And anything you ignore at the start of a relationship will be the thing that breaks the relationship up down the line. Good luck x

It would put me right off. I would think he was shallow, and like someone else said, that he valued women mostly for what they looked like. It's interesting though, to see how different all of the responses to your post are. I guess it's how you feel that matters. I would feel like you and I could not pursue a relationship with him.

I agree that it's gross and tells you something about the kind of man he is. Obviously he wasn't "wrong" to leave comments when he wasn't dating or married, but it does indicate things about someone's personality and standards of behaviour.

It's not an overreaction to find it a turn-off. If it bothers you, it just does, and that's perfectly valid. I'd weigh it against everything else you know about him and proceed with caution. You've been alerted to possible incompatibilities, so you can keep a closer watch for them now.

Nobody's perfect, but you get to decide which "flaws" you can accept.

I think you’re nuts

I think it's the commenting that would put me off, it seems a bit pathetic to me and I would find that in itself unattractive. We all have our own feelings about things, you are entitled to express yours - that is not controlling, it's up to him how he responds. If you don't want to with him because of this, that's fine! There are plenty of men that don't do this kind of thing, so you don't have to stick with this one of it bothers you.

@Nadine876

I'm 100% with you OP. I would be very shocked and disappointed if any of the men in my life did this. It is sleazy and desperate and objectifying. I don't think you are being controlling at all, ignore all that. You told your partner honestly that you are uncomfortable with his behaviour and he agreed and deleted it. You didn't tell him to delete it and you didn't stalk him - when you link on social media this stuff is there for all to see. It would be way more problematic if you had ignored how this made you feel and just swallowed it.

Having said all that, I think you shouldn't make any snap decisions. You can be totally honest and let him know how much this has thrown you and why it is relating to your past and making you feel so strongly. Give him a chance to respond and see where it goes. People can do stupid things and people can change. Many women have to educate their male partners about feminism/objectification. My partner thought he had a good understanding when we met but he really didn't, and has come a long way. If I'd just given up at the start because he wasn't perfect I would have really lost out.

One thing is for sure though, ignoring it will not help. If it's a red flag to you you have to listen to your intuition. You won't get over your mistrust of men by ignoring red flags. And anything you ignore at the start of a relationship will be the thing that breaks the relationship up down the line. Good luck x

this is very true. I've had lots of difficult long discussions with my DH over the last few years on women, sexism, chauvinism, misogyny etc. He is a wonderful person and was raised by a strong single working mother, but he too was influenced by the prevailing attitude towards women in our society, and had a definite lack of awareness of his male privilege.

i think he has shown his true colours. The question is, is he worth your time and effort to educate him and hopefully change his view on women and their value?

@Cocomobile

Personally I wouldn’t date someone who had these values. To me it reeks of a male who values women and their physical appearance, to a point of objectification. But that’s just me.

How you personally feel about it probably is a reflection of your own insecurities. There’s no need to feel humiliated etc.

But I would still not date a man that showed me that this is who he is. I want my partner to value strong intelligent women. Of course, these women he followed could have been strong intelligent women whilst also posting sexy shots, but unfortunately the majority of Instagram girls who do this don’t fit in that category.

and just to correct my own internalised misogyny, I'm sorry, I should have written "majority of Instagram women"

Thanks for those posts . I think he may be worth my time and effort. The irony is that he has been kind , respectful and has gone over and above As far as attentiveness and showing love and tenderness since we have met . It remains to be seen. I think we need a serious chat about it all and I guess I need to be extra careful in watching for red flags in future . I'm
Still on the fence if I'm
Honest . I really dislike this about him .