New man and Instagram

[jennyfromthedocks]

Please help me
Make sense of my feelings and whether I am being unreasonable .
Seeing a new man for the last few months. All going incredibly well. We have mutual feelings and are enjoying the first flushes of a new relationship. We are both late 40's.
We are now friends on social media.
I noticed that he follows a few women who are quite sexy, scantily dressed etc . He has liked and commented on one of these women in the past. Not since we have met .
I am upset. I think I
Am upset because I didn't think he was creepy or a sleaze. He has wonderful
Relationships with his sisters, mother, daughters etc .
I have told him that this is a dealbreaker for
Me . He is very apologetic and has deleted those few accounts . Am I nuts or reasonable ?
This is so new to me after a long marriage which ended after exh affair .
Thanks everyone .

I'm a woman, married to a man, in my 30s and I follow countless 'hot' women on Instagram. Suicide girls, models, make up artists etc. I just like the look; I appreciate the beauty of the women and the artful photographs. It doesn't mean anything. You're being oversensitive I think, sorry.

@MsStillwell

OP has said the comments were "stunning", "beautiful" and the flame emoji.

You say he has many positive qualities and has treated you very well. Single men like that in their 40's are not exactly thick on the ground or falling out of the sky. I hope you haven't scared him off.

@ninninannonoonoo
See I just don’t think its directly equivalent, because the objectification and sexualisation of womens bodies has a long history and has been such a powerful tool in keeping us ‘in our place’.

But, since you specifically ask, yes. If you semi-regularly were posting remarks commenting on pictures of young guys semi naked in sexualised positions then I would think you were partaking in ‘sleazy’ behaviour (not my first choice of words). I would think that your values were different to mine, and I wouldn’t date you nor try to engage with you in any meaningful way. It’s just not something that aligns with my values.

I didn’t realise online forums were considered social media? Perhaps my definitions are off, but I consider Facebook, instagram, Twitter and TikTok to be social media. Creating and disseminating new content for a large online audience. I thought it was different to a discussion forum.

There’s also a difference in the OP. One (I’m presuming) was started by someone to discuss how physically attractive someone was to them. I don’t comment on posts just to tell people that they’re wrong/shouldn’t be doing that etc. If that’s what floats their boat then they’re free to continue.

In this case, the OP asked for opinions from people on her situation. I provided mine.

So that’s why I personally didn’t comment on those threads where posters are discussing men they find attractive. I mean, I don’t even click on them, so they’re just not something I would be reading to begin with to be able to comment.

But anyway, this is just my own personal view. You’re free to have your own.

Thank you @Hobnobsandbroomstick I realised I skipped a page of posts. I think I could get past those comments, they're not disrespectful to the women involved although I'm a bit at a man following them in the first place.

Its a deal breaker for me too OP. I think it's the online equivalent of cranking your neck to get a look at a pretty girl in a bar etc.

I can't see anything much wrong.

If you remain together, will be behaving like this each time he looks at another woman- and I just mean looks at in a normal way.

You may frighten him off.

OP I get how you feel. I would also feel it was sleazy/creepy and a bit pathetic so it would turn me off him in that sense.

However. You say that you really like him other than this and that he treats you respectfully, and he did respond well when you brought it up. So if I were you I’d go on the weekend away and just see how you feel about him now. It may be that you’ve now got the “Ick” and won’t fancy him any more. Or, you may still really enjoy his company and have a great time and decide to put all this behind you.

But I do think you were right to raise it as it highlights a potential incompatibility between you.

It’s a dealbreaker for me, I feel like a pp that it reflects unpleasantly on his perception of women.

The thing is though, is it’s totally up to your own judgement. I do understand that it can be hard to hear or trust that though, especially after your experience. I’ve found it gets easier with practice.

It wouldn’t even occur to me to be bothered by this. I post daily on Instagram (photos of my outfits, not lingerie or anything sexy) and get comments from men and women.

If you looked at accounts I follow, one that would stand out in a sea of women posting about outfits and makeup, or cat photos, is a very handsome male model. He’s an ex student of mine - I’m a lecturer - who has done amazingly well. If my DP asked me not to follow him I would tell him to piss off.

I completely understand why you’ve now got the ick with him. That behaviour puts them in the creepy category!!

Just remember OP - nobody is perfect- and you are scared of getting hurt again so maybe over reacting a bit- he did as you asked straight away-which counts a lot.Sometimes we all have to take a chance! I did after a huge mistake with my first husband- I then felt terribly ‘let down’ when something happened when I dated my now DH. I saw him as not quite so perfect suddenly and felt so hurt and wary-then I realised he is a human being. Good luck. BTW I have been married to ‘not quite Mr Perfect’ for 26 years now

is a very handsome male model. He’s an ex student of mine - I’m a lecturer - who has done amazingly well. If my DP asked me not to follow him I would tell him to piss off.

Why do posters like this (and there a re s lot) insist in giving examples that are not comparable to what ops prospective partner has been doing.

If you haven't been following and commenting on scantily clad, buff men, younger than you with "hot" emoji's and things like "handsome, gorgeous" etc. then you, your friends, whoever have not been doing what he's doing.

It seems to be a phenomenon that's almost exclusively men ... And it's understandable op is icked out and v disappointed in it in someone she thought was really well adjusted.

Oh and I know very few men who would be truly comfortable with the above in a woman they were starting a relationship with,in fact they'd judge her on it negatively and most likely dismiss her as relationship material.

I used to be very active on a male dominated (fitness) relationship forum and i can what conclusions they'd draw about her.

*I can well imagine

They wouldn't be nice ones.

That's a lovely post @Mollymalone123

If this is hugely shocking to you I think he should run a mile dare he look at a fashion magazine or a TV show with any attractive women in it. He liked the post of "one" lady before he met you?

Oh come on. As though there's no difference between watching a TV show and commenting with a flame emoji on a woman in lingerie in a sexy pose. I suppose we may as well just go outside in our underwear and wink suggestively at the binmen seeing as that's no different to popping out for a pint of milk.

What makes me feel uncomfortable about this, is that men often use a past cheating partner as an excuse to control a current partner. It's a classic excuse

She's not a controlling man. She's a traumatised woman. She didn't ask him to delete them. She honestly told him how her behaviour made her feel and he deleted them in response. How you can get this twisted is pretty sick. Should women just shut up when they're uncomfortable?

*his behaviour

I think I would tell him to reconsider - you sound (I guess from past relationship) issues and the fact you’ve gone through his followers and seen what’s he’s done and questioned him is a bit controlling. You are projecting - and I guess it’s not your fault - but he shouldn’t have to be afraid of what he did while single etc.

The phrase controlling behaviour is thrown around pretty thoughtlessly.

Telling someone honestly they their behaviour made you have a strong emotional reaction is not controlling. It's honest. The alternative is to bury your emotions and pretend you are comfortable with things you are not. A recipe for repressed resentment and a future failed relationship.

Is asking your partner to do the dishes controlling? Or to turn over so they stop snoring? Or to give you a back rub? Or to watch something different on TV? Or to have sex? Yes if you are a controlling creep. Otherwise it's just being in a relationship and negotiating two people's needs and desires.

We all have strong emotional responses to things other people do. It doesn't matter why or where they came from, (although working that out certainly helps). What matters is that the two of you can work through it and find a compromise or solution that allows you to move forward in a trusting and supportive way. And if you can't do this, the relationship will fail.

I guess you will just have to see how things go,now that he has deleted some things that you have disliked. My issue would be that a man in his late forties,is into all this social media rubbish.