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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP's nephew - what would you expect him to call me?

336 replies

SarahAndQuack · 29/10/2020 11:08

This is probably really petty but I'm wondering what others think.

My DP and I got together when nephew had just turned four; he's now nine and so has known me more than half his life. He didn't really know my DP's ex well, as they'd been split up for a while.

I've noticed that he never calls me 'Auntie Sarah'. He occasionally uses my first name but mostly simply doesn't address me. He's also quite rude on occasion. He is having a rough time at the moment - his parents split up a bit over a year ago and it's hard on him. So a bit of rudeness is something I'd expect to see and not worry about. But the kinds of things he says and does ruffle me up a bit - for example he'll totally ignore me when I speak to him/if I ask him something, but will do it if my partner or his mother asks. Occasionally I get a reply like 'I don't need to do that' or 'no I don't have to,' and often he'll tell me what my DD (who's three) can and can't do. I don't think this last thing is intended to be cheeky at all, but I've noticed he doesn't do it with my partner.

It crossed both mine and my partner's minds that this may have something to do with us being woman, and him not having any other exposure to same-sex couples (though, as I say, he has known me for years ...).

I feel awkward asking him to call me 'Auntie Sarah' as he calls my partner 'Auntie Firstname,' but I find it kind of weird he doesn't. What would you think? For the record my own DD calls both of us by our first names on occasion; I don't find first names from children rude, it's just the way he seems not to see me as having that role at all.

OP posts:
stackemhigh · 29/10/2020 14:22

Not my question but why is it stupid, Billben? I would also like to know why someone rude to OP is at her home so much.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/10/2020 14:22

@FlitterMouse

You're not his auntie. He is only 9 and already having a hard time with his parents splitting up. Poor kid
I know people can be weirdly neurotic about the "it's not an in-law unles you're married, they're not your family until you sign the paper" but op and her partner night as well be married when it comes to them being a family until - cohabiting, kids etc. She's as much his aunt now as she would be if they popped down the registry office and signed some legal paperwork.
callmeadoctor · 29/10/2020 14:25

I think that you are overthinking all this. my children never use 'auntie or uncle", seems a bit old fashioned to me. Same sex relationship? Nah, nobody cares (least of all 9 year olds...........)

Fairybatman · 29/10/2020 14:26

The Aunty thing is a red herring for me.

The issue that you need to address is his perception that you aren’t an authority figure in your own home and that you aren’t an equal mum to your DD.

You could address it via his mum if you think it’ll get results of you can wait for or manufacture an opportunity. When he next tells you that he doesn’t need to listen you reiterate very clearly that “I am DDs mummy and your Aunty and this is my house, so I can decide what’s going to happen.” your DP needs to be on the ball to step in and back you up by explaining that he has a mummy and a daddy and DD has a mummy and a mummy and he needs to treat you the same as her.

If you do it in the moment, and gently, and he sees your DP backing you up you know that he’s had very clear guidance and if it happens again you can take a stronger line.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/10/2020 14:26

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

First name if not married is what we use in our family. Only aunt/uncle is used after marriage.

Why does he have to see you as having a role? To a child you are just the girlfriend of x.

She's also the mother of his cousin and someone he clearly sees regularly. Even if she were just mom's friend, he still should be rude
FippertyGibbett · 29/10/2020 14:27

None of my nieces/nephews call me aunty, but they are my DH’s side of the family so I don’t feel close to them at all.

sooqpuas · 29/10/2020 14:31

I feel like you're giving the name thing too much thought.

Maybe my family is weird but none of the children say "auntie" or "uncle". They all just call adults by their first names or nicknames.

He does sound rude, though.

Pebbledashery · 29/10/2020 14:34

Hi OP for what it's worth you seem genuinely nice. I would just stop focusing on this issue because the poor child is obviously going through a rough time and is most likely confused about all manner of things. I think there does need to be a conversation on how dynamics in families are different for each and some families have two mummies. But i think for the time being just accept he's not referring to you as Auntie and its not the be all and end all. All that matters is you have a good relationship with you. X

Pebbledashery · 29/10/2020 14:35

With him*

MintyCedric · 29/10/2020 14:36

I wouldn't split hairs over being called Auntie. I was with my XH for nearly two years before our niece came along, and then nephew a few years later. I can't remember either of them ever calling me Auntie even though I'm closer to them than now XH. They're now adults so certainly wouldnt expect that to change.

If he's being rude that's a different matter but given the circumstances you describe I'd be incline to.just let your partner deal with him unless you regularly have him on your own.

Hotchocolatesforeveryone · 29/10/2020 14:40

He's probably picking up on your vibes OP. If the child's parents are going through a divorce which will obviously be hard on him...why on earth are you making an issue of him calling you aunt. Strange

paap1975 · 29/10/2020 14:40

Before you even mentionned being same sex, I was saying to myself that this was something he was getting from home.
With my DH's nephews and nieces I was "auntie" long before we got married.
Having said that, I have an aunt who specifically doesn't want to be called "auntie"

rorosemary · 29/10/2020 14:48

I never realised that some families don’t consider the partners of their biological aunts and uncles to be also aunts and uncles!

Me neither! I call all my aunts and uncles that, even though some didn't marry each other till I was an adult. My brothers kids call my DH uncle and did so before we married. My SIL's children don't call me anything, but neither do they call my DH, who is their biological uncle, anything. They also never say thank you so it's more of an upbringing thing than anything else.

I find it so weird that you can cohabit with someone, have a child together and still not being acknowledged as family enough to be called aunt.

Palavah · 29/10/2020 14:48

What? That's unusual.

Spouses of blood aunties and uncles are generally also aunties and uncles.

Exceptions for later marriages/partnerhips when the niece/nephew meets you when they're already an adult.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/10/2020 14:51

I never realised that some families don’t consider the partners of their biological aunts and uncles to be also aunts and uncles! I suspect the same families also spit feathers if you refer to the person you're dating as anything other than your boyfriend/girlfriend until you put a ring on it, and would be incandescent as being referred to as an IL without a marriage certificate

MaxNormal · 29/10/2020 14:54

I suspect the same families also spit feathers if you refer to the person you're dating as anything other than your boyfriend/girlfriend until you put a ring on it

Seen this. A friend changed her FB surname to a foreign variation of her partner's surname and he did likewise (relates to her country of origin and was for fun) and his family spat the dummy.

Beamur · 29/10/2020 14:55

I don't think it's unreasonable for him not to call you Auntie. But I can see why, from your point of view it would be more polite. He is making a slight difference in status almost between you and the married couples.

Audreyseyebrows · 29/10/2020 14:57

None of my dc call our siblings auntie or uncle when talking to them. Only if writing on cards etc.
We’ve got lots of nieces and nephews and only one nephew addresses Dh as Dh (I don’t get called auntie). We all have great relationships and are very close.
I wouldn’t make anything of it. He’s got enough going on. I think the relationship will evolve over time even if the name doesn’t.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/10/2020 14:57

@MaxNormal

I suspect the same families also spit feathers if you refer to the person you're dating as anything other than your boyfriend/girlfriend until you put a ring on it

Seen this. A friend changed her FB surname to a foreign variation of her partner's surname and he did likewise (relates to her country of origin and was for fun) and his family spat the dummy.

Yup or "I recently nearly died giving birth to our triplets, first babies on partners side, and my mil hasn't once asked me or my partner how I am... aibu to think she should and to feel like it will be awkward at our wedding next week?". MN: you're not married? She's not your mil. Your just her son's girlfriend. Why are you expecting her to care of you live or die?
LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 29/10/2020 15:00

My husband's family encourage the kids to call me Auntie Labia, I bloody hate it and encourage them to call me Labia. (Well, my first name obvs)

FinallyHere · 29/10/2020 15:01

It's like he's not quite sure what my role is in my DD's life or in relation to him, and so he doesn't quite know how to talk to me.

How often do you interact with him, with a positive focus ? I would start there and no worry too much about what he thinks of your role in anyone's life.

It's not easy, but so worthwhile if you can find something that interests him to talk about.

steppemum · 29/10/2020 15:46

@WindsorBlues

Wow, I don't think i've ever had so many responses to a post before.

In response DH does address the behaviour and the times that DN demanded I leave the room he said no this is her home but that resulted in a a tantrum from DN so its easier to just not be in the room. If I'm in the house during visits DH tries to make DN says hello, good bye and thank you to me, but most times he refuses. I just find it easier to remove myself from the entire situation and that's why I take myself off for the afternoon. I try to see the situation as, I can't force anyone to like me and that it isn't mine or DHs job to teach another persons child manners.

I can see that DN does benefit from the one-on-one time with DH so on the whole it isn't such as hardship for me to take myself out for an afternoon every other week, but because of how he is with me his visits have to work around my schedule, whereas if he was if he was more pleasant with me it would be an open door invitation to him with sleepovers as well.

I can see that you and your dh are putting a lot of love and care into this lad, but I think you are building him up for a crash.

I think it would be good for your dh to talk to him exactly about your last point. That this is your (plural) house, a and so obviously you live there. As he doens't want you there, and wants you to go out, the visits have to be planned around that. If he was happy to have you there, he could come more often and even sleep over. Put the ball firmly back in his court.

And I would also be saying to him that if he throws a temper tantrum over it, he can go home. If your dh is demonstrating a good make role model, that includes setting boundaries and being able to say no. It sometimes includes tough love.

I said before, and I will repeat it, I think you need to be VERY careful when the baby arrives. He is going to be insanely jealous, and resent any time dh spends with the baby too, and I would have serious concerns about him hurting the baby

Whitney168 · 29/10/2020 15:50

I think if you'd been in an established relationship with his relative when he was born and he grew up knowing you as such, you'd have a case for honorary Aunt status.

As it is, no, I'd say first name seems logical and appropriate.

Blueberries0112 · 29/10/2020 16:13

After reading some comments, I think it is time your family sit down together to tell him to address you as Auntie. He have shown too much disrespect so I think he may have trouble understanding that you are an adult here who cares about him very much

Original poster
SarahAndQuack · 29/10/2020 16:15

Thanks all for replies.

I think I will try having another chat with DP and seeing if we can figure out a gentle way to raise it with DP's sister.

FWIW, I do try to chat to him about things he's interested in, and to think of things he might like to do. I just get the sense right now that he's feeling stroppy with the world (which is fair) and being a bit rude to me is his way of showing he can push boundaries a bit. If I didn't have a hunch it was related to the same-sex thing I'd be less bothered, but it does make me wonder what his dad or my DP's parents are saying around him.

OP posts:
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