DP's nephew - what would you expect him to call me?

[SarahAndQuack]

This is probably really petty but I'm wondering what others think.

My DP and I got together when nephew had just turned four; he's now nine and so has known me more than half his life. He didn't really know my DP's ex well, as they'd been split up for a while.

I've noticed that he never calls me 'Auntie Sarah'. He occasionally uses my first name but mostly simply doesn't address me. He's also quite rude on occasion. He is having a rough time at the moment - his parents split up a bit over a year ago and it's hard on him. So a bit of rudeness is something I'd expect to see and not worry about. But the kinds of things he says and does ruffle me up a bit - for example he'll totally ignore me when I speak to him/if I ask him something, but will do it if my partner or his mother asks. Occasionally I get a reply like 'I don't need to do that' or 'no I don't have to,' and often he'll tell me what my DD (who's three) can and can't do. I don't think this last thing is intended to be cheeky at all, but I've noticed he doesn't do it with my partner.

It crossed both mine and my partner's minds that this may have something to do with us being woman, and him not having any other exposure to same-sex couples (though, as I say, he has known me for years ...).

I feel awkward asking him to call me 'Auntie Sarah' as he calls my partner 'Auntie Firstname,' but I find it kind of weird he doesn't. What would you think? For the record my own DD calls both of us by our first names on occasion; I don't find first names from children rude, it's just the way he seems not to see me as having that role at all.

The Aunty thing is perfectly normal. In my family all couples would be Uncle X and Aunty Y. And obviously, only one would be the blood relative (well, you'd hope...). That's normal. Not universal of course but absolutely normal.

I think that so far you have trod a very caring path but the balance tips at some point. You are at that point. He's pushing the boundaries to see how much he can disrespect you. The answer should be (for his sake as much as yours!) - none.

I think a discussion between you, your partner and his mum is in order, with your partner taking the lead, letting her know that you are both uncomfortable with the way he's beginning to show disrespect to you but as a reault also your home and your family.

I get the difficulty of disciplining a child at this level of relation to you - you have no authority as such but you should expect respect. Be assured that he may be trying to show you in a cocky way that he sees you as lesser... but deep down, he doesn't believe it and knows only too well that he's getting away with this because you are giving leeway. If you were to stop, he'd quickly be on shifting sands.

Personally I've always found that one can have a joking, kind, leeway-type relationship with children of the wider family but it only really works if it's accompanied by the occasional very direct look and swift shutting down if they step out of line. His comments on your DD are the perfect opportunity for this. Smile, nice, kind - then when he tries to say what your DD should do - 'No. She does not. I'm her mum, and that's my decision.' - accompanied by a short but absolutely unsmiling, direct 'do not fuck with me' look. Then back to breezy nice. 'Anyway, come on DD, let's go and '. Works well.

@SarahAndQuack I can give you an example of how it is in my family.

When we were children every adult was Auntie or Uncle even though they were just friends of our parents. My sister was the first to have a child and said I am only using Aunt/Uncle to siblings and their partners/husbands/wives. No distinction made for unmarried couples.

So my children have (name change for obvious reasons) Auntie Lisa (my sister) and Uncle James and then Auntie Susan (my sister) and Auntie Lynne (my sister's now wife, did a civil partnership and then got married when the law changed).

Ds1 was about 8 or 9 when he said why do I not call Auntie Lynne Uncle Lynne as he understood Lisa and Susan are my sisters. I said because she is a girl. That was the end of the conversation. Later when he was about 10 or 11 he said so Susan and Lynne are both girls, I said yes, he said oh right. I said some people marry a boy some people marry a girl.

The auntie/uncle part has been dropped as my sons are teens, they understand the family connection but use first names. As do my nieces and nephews for us.

I can see why you feel like you are an outsider though and maybe he has picked up on something that has been said. But he could just not realise his words or lack of them, hurt. He does need to be told though by your partner at the least.

For those not understanding the whole did you adopt your child, if you use a sperm bank then both female parents go on the birth certificate as the parents. I think this is beautiful and right.

I think you're being over-sensitive, lots of people don't call their relatives auntie / uncle but do use it for friends of parents. My nephews don't tend to use auntie - others in my family refer to me as that to them but they seem to choose to drop it. Whereas friends of kids have always called me auntie and I can't say either bothers me!

It really doesnt matter . Except to you. Your nsme us sarah. "Sarah" is fine.
Just pursue a nice relatiinship with him

My nieces have known my husband all their life, but have only ever referred to him by his first name, even though I have always been Aunty. We only got married last year and even now he is still his first name and not Uncle, although he technically is now.

I would say just your first name, unless he chooses to add Auntie himself? Perhaps he just needs someone to have a gentle chat on why he ignores you?

YABU my partners nephew who I met at 6 months old doesn't call me auntie, though I see him only a handful of times a year. My own nephew who i adore only calls me my first name 3/4 of the time.

so you think her child and her nephew wont carry on being cousins if the relationship breaks up?

@Porcupineinwaiting

What's the relevance of that ? They'll be cousins still (obviously!), but he won't be seeing the other "Aunty" and presumably if they break up they'll live apart? The true Aunty by virtue of blood will maintain the cousins relationship.

So maybe on the odd occasion at the cousins birthday (assuming it's not the other "Aunty") attends, but very rarely.

@WindsorBlues

I've been with DH since before our nephew, who is seven, was born. He address DH as Uncle XXX but refuses to talk to me or awknowledge if I'm in the room.

He has an absent dad so time spend with DH is the only time he gets with and adult male. It is really awkward when he visits and I'm my own living room and he demands that I leave.

I just take myself off out now when he visits but am always polite and try and engage with him when I see him even though I know I'll be ignored.

I know I can't force anyone to like me and that his relationship with DH is important so I just let it slide. I can't help but wonder if he's picked up on negative things MIL and SIL have said about me, as normally kids love me.

It'll be interesting how the dynamic changes when our first born arrives in the new year.

This is terrible for you! And I’m sorry but your partner should be instilling good manners and demonstrating to the boy that he absolutely must reciprocate any social niceties and be civil to you.

It’s also a disservice to the child who is not being modelled how to respect females in his life or anybody with authority

Why are modern parents so afraid to assert themselves to their children?!!!

First name if not married is what we use in our family. Only aunt/uncle is used after marriage.

Why does he have to see you as having a role? To a child you are just the girlfriend of x.

@IrishMumInLondon2020

You’re not his aunt. He’s your girlfriend’s nephew.

They live together and have a child. Much more than girlfriend.

I'm 40 and still address my aunties and uncles bio and via marriage as aunty and uncle. They were all together/married within a few years of me being born so they have always been there.

Maybe its a generation thing.

I now sound like my mother!!!!

If the partners are married they would be their Aunt/Uncle. Of not their partners are just their Aunt/Uncle's boyfriend/girlfriend. People see it as a disposable relationship

I don't think not being married means a relationship is 'disposable', and lots of couples who have not married have stayed together a lot longer than lots of marriages. You seem to think all relationships that do not involve marriage are on an equal footing, whereas most people can distinguish between boyfriend/girlfriend that have been seeing each other a few months and a couple who have been together several years and have a home and possibly a family together.

When a baby is born they don't know who is married, and it is their parents who call the people in their life by different titles, and the children follow that lead as they grow up.

In cases like the OP, when someone enters their life later because they have become involved with an auntie or uncle, I think it's normal to just call them by first names, because in the early days you don't know how long the relationship will last and they are just a friend of aunt/uncle, and by the time the relationship is established that's what the child already knows them as.

This seems to be a family to family thing. I’ve always called my aunts and uncles’ spouse by auntie or uncle. I still do, and I’m almost 40!!!

I don't call my uncles' wives Auntie xxx, or my Aunt's husband Uncle xxx. I just call them their first name. I did this even when I was a child. None of my cousins or siblings did it either. Sounds like you're looking for issues where there are none.

My nephews and nieces call me by my first name as do my dc to my siblings. I don't see the need for titles tbh.

@WindsorBlues

Wow, I don't think i've ever had so many responses to a post before.

In response DH does address the behaviour and the times that DN demanded I leave the room he said no this is her home but that resulted in a a tantrum from DN so its easier to just not be in the room. If I'm in the house during visits DH tries to make DN says hello, good bye and thank you to me, but most times he refuses. I just find it easier to remove myself from the entire situation and that's why I take myself off for the afternoon. I try to see the situation as, I can't force anyone to like me and that it isn't mine or DHs job to teach another persons child manners.

I can see that DN does benefit from the one-on-one time with DH so on the whole it isn't such as hardship for me to take myself out for an afternoon every other week, but because of how he is with me his visits have to work around my schedule, whereas if he was if he was more pleasant with me it would be an open door invitation to him with sleepovers as well.

Oh honey you’re so patient! I understand what you mean but he is way too old to be having tantrums to get his own way. If he comes to your home he abides by your rules. Your hubby, with the kindest of intentions, is doing the kid zero favours. Do you want him behaving like that to your daughter /his mother/teachers/staff/partners as he gets older? If you’re happy to leave them to it then it’s under the express and zero tolerance conditions that he is to toe the line and it’s all on your terms.

@WindsorBlues
Your DH should be speaking to his parents, I wouldn’t be putting up with that,sounds like an entitled little brat, your DH should be positive as in I’m positive you show my wife some respect or you won’t be visiting!!
What age is he?

My nieces and nephews just call me by my first name and I think that's fine.

I wouldn’t ask my kids to call an unmarried girlfriend Auntie.

This wee boy called you your name when you first came on the scene.

And there’s not been a fuss of a wedding so he isn’t changing there’s no marker for him to change how he calls you.

I think you’re sensitive to it understandably and I’d just do as others have suggested and model it to him or even have a chat

Surely its circumstantial and differs in families, never ceased to amaze me how riled up people get about anyone following a different ethos to them on such insignificant matters.

I've been with DP for 15 years, not married as I have absolutely no desire to marry, have never been married, don't want a wedding or a ring, simply don't resonate with my own views. DP'S brother has two kids who i've known from birth. They call me auntie and always have, I assume to them that is just what I am.

I don't technically regard myself as their 'aunt' in official terms and am not fussed if I am or am not one but would never challenge this or make them feel rejected. They are much loved, great kids that we are proud of. I wouldn't dream of arguing the toss or correcting it regardless of my minuscule preferences on the issue.

I have never called my uncle uncle, I’ve always just used his first name, bizarrely enough though my DC call him uncle 😂🤷🏻‍♀️

I never understand any issue with children calling adults by their names. The main thing is that they are polite and respectful which doesn’t sound like it’s the case here.

DH and I have been married 15 years but most of my nieces and nephews call him by his first name. Admittedly the older ones are now in their 20s and early 30s

@VettiyaIruken

It would be auntie for me.

I wonder if things are being said behind your backs because ime children are influenced by what they hear adults say.

I agree with this. I would bet that the parents are dissing you and the same sex relationship behind your backs.

Why are you around him so much?

What a stupid question 🙄