DP's nephew - what would you expect him to call me?

[SarahAndQuack]

This is probably really petty but I'm wondering what others think.

My DP and I got together when nephew had just turned four; he's now nine and so has known me more than half his life. He didn't really know my DP's ex well, as they'd been split up for a while.

I've noticed that he never calls me 'Auntie Sarah'. He occasionally uses my first name but mostly simply doesn't address me. He's also quite rude on occasion. He is having a rough time at the moment - his parents split up a bit over a year ago and it's hard on him. So a bit of rudeness is something I'd expect to see and not worry about. But the kinds of things he says and does ruffle me up a bit - for example he'll totally ignore me when I speak to him/if I ask him something, but will do it if my partner or his mother asks. Occasionally I get a reply like 'I don't need to do that' or 'no I don't have to,' and often he'll tell me what my DD (who's three) can and can't do. I don't think this last thing is intended to be cheeky at all, but I've noticed he doesn't do it with my partner.

It crossed both mine and my partner's minds that this may have something to do with us being woman, and him not having any other exposure to same-sex couples (though, as I say, he has known me for years ...).

I feel awkward asking him to call me 'Auntie Sarah' as he calls my partner 'Auntie Firstname,' but I find it kind of weird he doesn't. What would you think? For the record my own DD calls both of us by our first names on occasion; I don't find first names from children rude, it's just the way he seems not to see me as having that role at all.

Op you sound like a very nice and caring aunt to your partner's nephew. I hope you go on to have a great relationship as he gets older.

In my family I have an aunt who is in a same sex couple and was always known as "aunt x" whilst her partner (together since before I was born) was not known as aunt, just by her first name. That was just the way things were - not my choice. I am not certain but I think there was some maybe not exactly homophobia, but some unease about the situation from my parents who are old school and a bit prejudiced in some ways. This was in the 80s - not to excuse their attitude but hopefully things have moved on since then. I remember being about 12 when I realised the implications of them being a same sex couple and being a bit weirded out until I got used to the idea. Anyway we have a great relationship now, with both aunt and partner.

I wonder if your nephew is perhaps going through something similar especially if there are old fashioned attitudes in the family? Can he be helped to realise that same sex relationships are normal? Hopefully children get more education on this nowadays at school as well.

I think it’s very much a personal thing. Everyone blood related to me I would refer to Auntie and Uncle growing up.

My Mum comes from a huge family (nine siblings) so a lot of partners came in and out of my life growing up. The ones I would refer to aunt and uncle as would be ones I have a good relationship with. I have an uncle who got with his wife when I was probably about four and I don’t call her auntie she is just ‘uncles’ wife. However I have another uncle who got with his partner when I was 9 or 10 and I love her and have always referred to her as auntie. We are close and she used to take me shopping and to the cinema when I was younger and we developed a bond. If someone asked me to call them auntie I absolutely would not, it is all about effort. If not blood related then that title is earned IMO.

Each family is different but i wouldn't expect the young to call un married partners auntie 'or 'uncle '. As I child( in the 60s/70s ) we called a same sex couple Auntie First Name and First Name. Auntie was my great aunt and thus born many years ago but this was still the accepted nomenclature in our family. We always called married aunts and uncles this way whether blood relations or not. My DC , as it happens call aunts and uncles by their first names.

Just thinking back to how I address various members of my (extremely large) family...

Blood isn't an issue as much as time in my life. If they were around when I was born, they are 'aunt' or 'uncle'. If not, they're not. Divorced/separated ones keep their status e.g. Aunty Sharon who divorced my uncle in 1996 is still aunty Sharon (yes we still occasionally invite her to stuff) whereas his new partner Mary is just 'Mary' even though they've been together since 2008. Same with aunty Lorraine/Rita. One uncle is on his third wife but I only call the first one 'aunt'; the other two are just Catherine and Julia.

My grandparents' siblings and their spouses get 'aunt' or 'uncle', always. Perhaps as a sign of respect? My parents' siblings I just call by name now possibly due to my mum's sisters being so close to my age (14 year difference) and my dad's siblings have mostly just asked over the years to be called by their names. Although still think of some of them as aunt or uncle and find saying just their names weird.

And many of my parents' cousins tried to tag themselves as aunt or uncle but because I was such a particular child I knew they weren't and refused to address them as such

HOWEVER despite me having literally hundreds of family members, we have no same sex couples so I can't say if that has any influence

I would expect him to call you Auntie or Aunt unless you said not to. I have two Aunts who aren't that much older than me. One I call Auntie and one not because its their preference

My husband have an aunt like you. His aunt and another woman lived together all their life but they will not tell him they are in a relationship. And my husband and I still can't tell if they are just best friends or in a relationship. But I do know that my husband consider her his aunt even though they are not biologically related. Calls her Aunt (her name)

That ... is not your husband having an aunt like me, @Blueberries0112.

I'd say he should call you what he's comfortable with. I have four nephews and I'm not sure I've ever heard any of them call me Auntie and thats okay.
Also, just because you've been in his life a long time, you're not his aunt and sounds like he's dealing with enough at his age.

You're not his auntie. You're his aunties girlfriend. DH and I were together longer than you when we got married. We were never auntie and uncle to each others nieces and nephews until then. And then we had a talk with them about how they could call us auntie and uncle respectively but that they didnt have to if they didnt want to.
And you shouldn't be telling him what to do when his mum or auntie are there. I think you need to step back into the role he's comfortable with you in and not force yourself into their family.

[quote Porcupineinwaiting]@Newtothis2017 I find that such a bizarre response. I am aunt to the children of my siblings and my husband's siblings equally. We dont separate on blood lines, why would we? Some call me aunt or auntie and some just use my first name but that doesnt run down blood lines either. They are all my family.[/quote]
Like that in my family. However, I now have a 'relative' who is an ex-aunty and that's a bit strange so I'm not sure it makes as much sense to see it that way when so many marriages end in divorce.

@Blueberries0112

My husband have an aunt like you. His aunt and another woman lived together all their life but they will not tell him they are in a relationship. And my husband and I still can't tell if they are just best friends or in a relationship. But I do know that my husband consider her his aunt even though they are not biologically related. Calls her Aunt (her name)

Eh? They have a child together, I don't think they're hiding their relationship

@Nottherealslimshady

You're not his auntie. You're his aunties girlfriend. DH and I were together longer than you when we got married. We were never auntie and uncle to each others nieces and nephews until then. And then we had a talk with them about how they could call us auntie and uncle respectively but that they didnt have to if they didnt want to. And you shouldn't be telling him what to do when his mum or auntie are there. I think you need to step back into the role he's comfortable with you in and not force yourself into their family.

Hilarious. OP is living with DP and has a child with her but is relegated to ‘girlfriend’.

And it’s fine for this child to tell OP what to do but not for OP to tell a child what to do. 😂

This reminds me of Derek whose 'friend' is called uncle even though he's not gay at all you know!

@Gwenhwyfar we still call ex-aunts 'Aunty' in my family. Although it depends on the degree of contact. When my uncle and aunt divorced in the late '90s it was the first divorce on my dad's side of the family and also entailed an annulment + they cut her out of photos.

She was my godmother so I occasionally saw her and continued to call her aunt. I mentioned this to my dad's sister and my cousins at the dinner table when I was five. There was dead silence and she said "She might be your aunt but she's not OURS", which I found quite cold and confusing.

Whereas the two divorced aunts on my mum's side are still 'aunt' and invited to family gatherings.

Aunty first name makes most sense.
I only have one nephew on my husbands side and I’m his Aunty toffee.
We did the same growing up and adopted various aunties and uncles along the way too.

I think kids dont use auntie and uncle as much as they did when we were young, where even parents friends etc were called auntie.
I have never been called auntie by DHs nieces and nephews even though I have known them since they were 3 or since birth.

"Eh? They have a child together, I don't think they're hiding their relationship"

Yes I know , I just saying they are not married and my husband still sees her as his aunt. She didn't even need a child to be called an aunt
I don't know they are hiding or don't talk about it, or they are just friends but none of that matters because they care about each other and love each other like family

My own dc often drop the 'uncle' when talking to my brother and just use his name, and very, very rarely call his wife 'auntie'. It isn't really a big deal for us. If either of them particularly cared about being called auntie or uncle I'd correct the dc every time they forgot it, of course, because if someone has asked you to use a specific term of address it is rude not to.

@Runnerduck34

I think kids dont use auntie and uncle as much as they did when we were young, where even parents friends etc were called auntie. I have never been called auntie by DHs nieces and nephews even though I have known them since they were 3 or since birth.

That would be odd in my social circles. Uncle, Aunty is always used for people who are your uncles and aunties. My Indian origin acquaintances will use the terms for family friends too.

I am the only one with children so far in either family.

I call our brothers and sisters Auntie name / Uncle name but not their wives / husbands / partners !! Never even thought of it to be honest . My children would be as close to everyone’s significant other so it’s not that I am less fond of them. And most of the time they use just first names for everyone .

I guess it’s how I was raised with my parents brothers and sisters begin aunt/ uncle but not partners .

My (same sex) partner’s nieces just call me by my first name, but they also just call her by her first name. I’ve been in their lives since they were 3 and 6 (now 10 and 13) and they are definitely aware that we’re a couple. The eldest is learning Spanish though, and when she was talking me through what she’s learned, she said, ‘you’d be tía, that’s Aunt,’ which made me well up a little - I’m an only child and never expected to be an aunt!

I think it’s worth speaking to your DP’s sister first, to see if she knows what his current view on your place in his life is. Then you might be clearer on how to approach it with him.

I had an auntie growing up who was my nan’s best friend, no blood relation at all, but out of respect and because she got us Xmas cards and presents etc she was known as auntie Rose.

I’ve never come across anyone only calling blood relatives aunt and uncle and their wives and husbands by their first names before, that’s such a bizarre concept to me as my aunts and uncles through marriage are no less family to me than those who are my parents siblings, and everyone I know is the same unless it’s regarding a new or recent partner.

I’m in a same sex relationship and tbh I would have the same impression as you considering his rude attitude towards you.

@Newtothis2017

It would be just your first name. You aren't his aunt. Even if you were married you aren't his aunt. I never called my aunts or uncles married partners by anything other than their first names.

It cracks me up on here when because something is the way someone has done something in their family they categorically state it as true. There's no law in what relatives are called and its very common to all your biological aunt or uncle's partner aunty or uncle. My family do this as do lots of my friends.

OP the child sounds like he has other stuff going on. So while I'd expect aunt as normal your name is also normal. But I don't think that's the issue here. You're right in making some allowance for him but rudeness isn't ok so needs to be addressed. Seems lik there's either upset at home perhaps?

I never called my family spouses aunties/uncles either. It was always reserved for blood relatives when I was growing up. I don't call my brother's wife sister either. Just sister-in-law .

Maybe I should change that though.

DP has 6 nieces and nephews, and they all just call me by my first name. Being called "Auntie" would make feel like an old lady (which I probably am, in their eyes).

They all call DP Uncle DP, even the ones that are now well into their 20s.