DP's nephew - what would you expect him to call me?

[SarahAndQuack]

This is probably really petty but I'm wondering what others think.

My DP and I got together when nephew had just turned four; he's now nine and so has known me more than half his life. He didn't really know my DP's ex well, as they'd been split up for a while.

I've noticed that he never calls me 'Auntie Sarah'. He occasionally uses my first name but mostly simply doesn't address me. He's also quite rude on occasion. He is having a rough time at the moment - his parents split up a bit over a year ago and it's hard on him. So a bit of rudeness is something I'd expect to see and not worry about. But the kinds of things he says and does ruffle me up a bit - for example he'll totally ignore me when I speak to him/if I ask him something, but will do it if my partner or his mother asks. Occasionally I get a reply like 'I don't need to do that' or 'no I don't have to,' and often he'll tell me what my DD (who's three) can and can't do. I don't think this last thing is intended to be cheeky at all, but I've noticed he doesn't do it with my partner.

It crossed both mine and my partner's minds that this may have something to do with us being woman, and him not having any other exposure to same-sex couples (though, as I say, he has known me for years ...).

I feel awkward asking him to call me 'Auntie Sarah' as he calls my partner 'Auntie Firstname,' but I find it kind of weird he doesn't. What would you think? For the record my own DD calls both of us by our first names on occasion; I don't find first names from children rude, it's just the way he seems not to see me as having that role at all.

I would expect him to call you politey by your first name if he ever needs to address you.

My dc call some very close aunts/uncles 'Aunt Sarah' or whatever, but generally their partners are just their first name. There's a lot of them and frankly they do rotate in and out every few years.

I wouldn't think it had anything to do with you being a same sex couple - kids are usually much more open minded about these things than adults are. Is it possible that his parents don't see you as a long term couple and therefore have never called you 'Aunt so and so' to him.

@Lizadork

You aren't his aunt. In the same way my sister's husband in not my daughter's uncle. An aunt or uncle is the actual sibling of the child's parent. Some might use the title to honour extended family of family connections, but most would think it is weird. You are aunt's partner. Even if married. Aunty's wife etc.

on the contrary, you are in the minority on this thread and the dictionary lists aunt and uncle as both the sibling, and their spouse.

Each to their own, every family has their own way, but to say that 'most would think it is weird' simply means you haven't read the thread, and have a very limited life experience.

Also, telling you what DD can or can’t do (but not telling your DP or others) suggests that he doesn’t think you have any authority. Be firm on those occasions and tell him ‘I’m DD’s mummy, I decide what she can do.’

When I was little, I called all my mum's friends aunty, as well as my real aunts. But times have changed.

My own nieces have never really called me aunty, let alone DH's nephews...

Your first name is fine. I think it would be different if you'd been in a LTR with your partner already when he was born, but instead you came into his life when he was 4, and it's not really appropriate to suggest he calls you 'Auntie', because you're no relation, your relationship might not last, and the last thing he needs are a string of 'Aunties' walking in and out of his life.

It's like, my auntie got married when I was 12, and for a while I tried calling her husband 'Uncle John' but it didn't feel right, he didn't like it either, so now we call them Auntie Jane and John and everyone's more comfortable. It's different if the two of them are in a well established marriage or are at least together when the child is born, but you can't just randomly become an auntie to a 4yo.

You’re not his auntie. You are not married.

I think that many people wouldn't upgrade you to Auntie until you married your dp.
Personally I'd be fine with FirstName

I think given that you aren't married to his auntie, you don't automatically get auntie status. There's latitude for him to decide whether he thinks of you as his auntie, or "just" his auntie's partner.

If/when you do get married, I would expect someone (his parent, you, your partner) to give him a strong nudge to indicate that he has just officially acquired a new auntie. Until then, if he does spontaneously start calling you auntie, consider yourself very honoured that he feels so attached to you.

This is how it works in our family (straight partners/spouses).

You’re not his auntie. You are not married.

So? They have a child together. She's the mother of his cousin.

I have no blood Nieces/Nephews but I'm Auntie to my DH Nieces/Nephews. In fact I'm probably closer to them than my DH is

My brothers wife doesn't refer to herself as Auntie to my boys and nor do they call her Auntie. However she's come into their life when they were 7 and 12

Hmm, you are not married, so an "honorary" aunt title does not really apply.
I would say that he should call you by your name.
FYI I am an aunt and a great-aunt. As my sister insisted that her children called all her friends aunt and uncle, I went against the grain and said "shortened form of my name" is what I want to be called. I was the children's only blood aunt.
This was fine and I was also called "Mummy" Fraughtwith Gin.
As the years have gone by, I have been Aunt, Auntie, other odd names etc. I do not think it matters that much, the point is about your actual relationship. If you do not have a relationship with the child itself, why should you be "auntie" just because you are going out with the child's uncle?

All the people harping on about you not being married so you're not a real aunty, I take it you refer to the children of unmarried parents as bastards too?

I married DH when his niece was about 10. I've never been Auntie. We were at a party when she was about 18, someone asked her who I was. She said that's my uncle's wife! The person said, "You mean your aunt!" We all stood there looking awkward ...

I think if you come into a child’s life at say age 4 or 5 then you will be known by your first name because at first it would be weird to call a brand new partner Auntie and then later on when it becomes a longer term relationship it would be odd to then say to a child you have to call them Auntie now. At what point to do you from being x to Auntie X?

oh god, am I a bastard by proxy?

A bastard-once-removed

IMO if you're in a LTR with your partner then you should both be called Aunty. Have his Mum and your partner always referred to you as Aunty Sarah in his presence? Children usually take their lead from adults.

Personally can't stand the title of Aunt and Uncle. It's all a bit old-fashioned, like Hyacinth Bucket comedy and doesn't really mean anything other than whatever you personally project onto it.

I'd try and find out what his interests are. Have you tried asking some open questions (not closed)?

Maybe try buying him a gift or two, like a book or something around what he likes? Or showing him something on your phone from Minecraft or whatever things 9 year old boys are into. Try to enter his world. you say yourself you know nothing about how to talk to 9 year old boys. I agree it's difficult but if he was your son, you'd invest the time and energy to do it.

At the moment you're not "cool". I would ask myself how to become "cool" in his eyes and he will immediately like you a lot more and be less rude.

At the moment for some reason he's harbouring some kind of small grudge.

I'd work out how to remove that. Don't enforce silly rules around names.

Find out what's deep in his heart. What he really loves. Try to make a connection. Don't force. And don't make jokes about "being rude".

There are some interesting kids journals for this age group that you could give him biglifejournal.com/collections/ages-7-10/products/big-life-journal-kids-second-edition

You could just give it to him and ask him if he'd like to fill in a page and talk through what it's like to be him.

You'd have to put things on hold with your DD to do this while you're visiting - but you would improve the relationship.

You’re not his aunt. He’s your girlfriend’s nephew.

OP, I have been with my DP for 2.5 years and we are marrying later this year - his nieces and nephews call him Uncle DP but just call me Harriet and I don't think that will change post marriage. And that goes for all of them, even the ones born within the time frame of our relationship. Don't sweat the small stuff in terms of what he calls you.

You’re not his aunt. He’s your girlfriend’s nephew.

And her daugher's cousin.

I really don't understand this hang-up with Being Married. It's blatantly obvious whether someone is a short-term girlfriend or a long-term partner, and dismissing or minimising the latter is just fucking rude and unpleasant.

I agree that if you entered his life initially as “Sarah” I would expect you to always be Sarah and not Auntie Sarah.

If you were together before he was born I guess you would be Auntie Sarah from the get go, but I’m from a family who’ve generally stopped using Aunt/Uncle. I’m just Kipo to all my nieces (5 nieces, no nephews)