DP's nephew - what would you expect him to call me?

[SarahAndQuack]

This is probably really petty but I'm wondering what others think.

My DP and I got together when nephew had just turned four; he's now nine and so has known me more than half his life. He didn't really know my DP's ex well, as they'd been split up for a while.

I've noticed that he never calls me 'Auntie Sarah'. He occasionally uses my first name but mostly simply doesn't address me. He's also quite rude on occasion. He is having a rough time at the moment - his parents split up a bit over a year ago and it's hard on him. So a bit of rudeness is something I'd expect to see and not worry about. But the kinds of things he says and does ruffle me up a bit - for example he'll totally ignore me when I speak to him/if I ask him something, but will do it if my partner or his mother asks. Occasionally I get a reply like 'I don't need to do that' or 'no I don't have to,' and often he'll tell me what my DD (who's three) can and can't do. I don't think this last thing is intended to be cheeky at all, but I've noticed he doesn't do it with my partner.

It crossed both mine and my partner's minds that this may have something to do with us being woman, and him not having any other exposure to same-sex couples (though, as I say, he has known me for years ...).

I feel awkward asking him to call me 'Auntie Sarah' as he calls my partner 'Auntie Firstname,' but I find it kind of weird he doesn't. What would you think? For the record my own DD calls both of us by our first names on occasion; I don't find first names from children rude, it's just the way he seems not to see me as having that role at all.

You are not his auntie. Kids got enough problems by the sounds of it. Just let it be. My sister's kids have always called me by my first name and I never expect them to call my partner uncle. I think you need to get over it.

My kids have never called their aunts or uncles auntie or uncle, they use their name. They may say "I'm going to my uncle's" to a friend or buy uncle birthday cards but he's ... (his name). It's down to parents I realise, I only ever referred to them as their name, and partners/spouses have never been given a title (nor have step parents, we used Christian names).

Interestingly despite it being relatively new, dp's dd called me mummy ... (my name) out of the blue, actually surprised me.

My partners nieces and nephew don’t call me aunt. My daughter doesn’t call his siblings aunt/uncle.

One of the nieces and the nephew were already born when we got together, as was my daughter, and due to distance, I’ve not met the two born since.

I’m not bothered by this at all, they are effectively strangers to me.

However your situation is different, you’ve obviously been quite involved with him since he was quite young. Hard to say if it is a same sex relationship issue or just that he was already 4 when you met your partner and by the time it became apparent you were going to be a long term thing, he felt it was normal to call you by your first name.

I wouldn’t encourage my child to call a new partner of my sibling by aunt/uncle - it gives a sense of permanence that might not come to be. But I’d not tolerate rudeness towards a long term member of the family either.

And you shouldn't be telling him what to do when his mum or auntie are there

Even if that includes stopping him hurting her small daughter?

I'm not married to my partner but his nieces call me auntie and I class them as my nieces (I've been together with my partner since before they were born ) and my blood nephews call my partner uncle

My sisters' children have never called me Auntie, just Loriat (that's not really my name obviously) Maybe because I was only 10 when my oldest DN was born, it would have seemed odd.

When I married DH years later and his nephews and nieces called me Auntie it seemed strange to me as that wasn't customary in my family, but I rolled with it as that's what they do in his! Seems even stranger to me now that I'm in my 50s and some of those kids are now in their 40s and still calling me Auntie. I wish I was brave enough to say just call me Loriat!

I guess what I am saying is, titles don't matter, love and respect matter a lot.

And you shouldn't be telling him what to do when his mum or auntie are there
Really? so he can hurt her toddler?
She can’t ask him to come sit down for lunch?
No wonder there’s an epidemic of entitled brats!!

And you shouldn't be telling him what to do when his mum or auntie are there.

I don't, though. As I said, I'll do things like telling him not to do something if his mum/my DP aren't around and it's time-critical so I can't wait for them. Basic things like 'watch out, that ball is going to hit her in the face [she hasn't learned to catch yet]'. Or also when his mum/my DP have already told him not to do something several times, if he starts doing it when they're out the room, I'll remind him he's not allowed. But in that situation it'd be 'DN, could you please do x' in the same way I'd speak to any child who was in my home but wasn't my child.

"@Gwenhwyfar we still call ex-aunts 'Aunty' in my family. Although it depends on the degree of contact. "

I don't think she considers me her niece though, just the cousin of her children.

@Runnerduck34

I think kids dont use auntie and uncle as much as they did when we were young, where even parents friends etc were called auntie. I have never been called auntie by DHs nieces and nephews even though I have known them since they were 3 or since birth.

In my case, my DB always refers to me as Aunty 'Gwen' to the child so it would be strange if she called me anything else - she doesn't speak yet though. My childhood friends' children also do, which I really like even if it wouldn't bother me if they didn't. Those children also used the formal pronoun (in Welsh) with me until I told them they didn't have to.

I take back what I said about you not counting as an auntie because you aren't married to your DP. I hadn't spotted that the two of you have a child together, which gives your relationship more status, more permanence IMO.

You're not his auntie so first name is fine. My nephew doesn't call my partner (been together 4 years) his uncle.

You are not his aunt, you’re his aunts girlfriend.

I don't understand why there are so many responses saying you aren't his auntie. If your DC is this boy's cousin, then you are his auntie.

That said, children are mirrors. If he is treating you with disrespect then he is reflecting the behaviour he is seeing from the other adults in his life.

I agree that you are his aunt, DH's nephews and nieces are mine just as much as my sister's children. Certainly I feel that my uncle's wife is my aunt, probably more so as she maintained the relationship when he did not, and she is the mother of my cousins. So this is all about what is normal in your family. Don't accept that you are not his not aunt, blood relationships do not override everything, love matters too.

I don’t agree that your child makes your his auntie, your relationship with him makes you his auntie.

My nieces have a cousin whose mum they barely remember. She was married to their uncle for a brief period, but divorced when their cousin was a few months old. They never see her, she is not their auntie.

The words auntie and uncle are meaningless titles. It’s the relationship that counts.

@Ideasplease322

It’s a vicious circle though. Parents tell kid to call married aunt’s husband ‘uncle‘ but tells kid to call OP by her name. So kid gets it in his head that OP is not aunt and not family so he doesn’t have to bother with her.

Do you thik theyve just never explained it to him who you are

if not discussed kids think you have a mumand dad and if theyve never talked ot hm about it he might not realise who you actually are

the rudeness needs to be discussed with the parents

If you only got together with you dp when he was 4 you wouldn't have been called his auntie then as your relationship was new. By the time your relationship was longterm and you were his auntie he would have been 6-7 and at that age I would leave it to the child to decide if they want to call you auntie or not.

Have you spent any time with him 1-1 to build a relationship? I have hundreds of (well 26!) aunts and uncles and I ignored the ones I was uncomfortable with, not that they did anything wrong, I just didn't know them that well.

@SarahAndQuack

And you shouldn't be telling him what to do when his mum or auntie are there.

I don't, though. As I said, I'll do things like telling him not to do something if his mum/my DP aren't around and it's time-critical so I can't wait for them. Basic things like 'watch out, that ball is going to hit her in the face [she hasn't learned to catch yet]'. Or also when his mum/my DP have already told him not to do something several times, if he starts doing it when they're out the room, I'll remind him he's not allowed. But in that situation it'd be 'DN, could you please do x' in the same way I'd speak to any child who was in my home but wasn't my child.

I think, rather like @WindsorBlues you are being far too passive. The common theme with these children is they don’t know where they stand and have been allowed too much power to fill in the gaps. What I’m saying is to be firm but fair. Someone a few pages back spoke about this, giving a look to show you are serious, then going back to being nice and smiley. You need to talk to these children. Tell them how it is in “our” house and how “we” are expected to behave. This really needs sorting out now for you particularly Windsor as you’re putting your baby potentially at risk. You are not being kind pussyfooting and tiptoeing round these children. They need firm boundaries now before they reach their tweens and don’t give a shit what adults around them think. Right now you’re in the golden years. So take advantage of it. It may feel alien. But right now, fake it til you make it.

@CovidNightmare

If you only got together with you dp when he was 4 you wouldn't have been called his auntie then as your relationship was new. By the time your relationship was longterm and you were his auntie he would have been 6-7 and at that age I would leave it to the child to decide if they want to call you auntie or not.

Have you spent any time with him 1-1 to build a relationship? I have hundreds of (well 26!) aunts and uncles and I ignored the ones I was uncomfortable with, not that they did anything wrong, I just didn't know them that well.

No, when we got together I was introduced as Auntie, because (as I said), this is quite normal when you're talking about an adult.

My DD was born when DP and I had been together a year, so DN was five, and by that point it was quite obvious we were a couple.

I spend time with him 1-1 on occasion, but it's fraught because of this issue. I don't see him 1-1 often - usually, it's with my DP or DP and his mum, which is what I would expect. I see the point that if I saw him 1-1 I would build a better relationship, but I think this wouldn't be a good option right now, because right now he's having a rough time and he doesn't need to be feeling he's been left with someone he doesn't feel comfortable with. DP and I would have hoped he'd feel comfortable with me by now, but given he doesn't, we shouldn't force it at a time when he's miserable.

The poor child has enough to deal with, his parents have split, that's very stressful for a child. You don't care about that though, you have an ego to fill...

It's not his responsibility to soothe your ego by calling you auntie or viewing you as such. You're not his auntie and even if you were, it's up to him if he calls anybody "auntie". It doesn't matter how it's done in your family, he's not in your family.

This isn't something that's going to be on any child's mind, it's such a bizarre thing to get offended by.

It's not just petty, it's incredibly self absorbed.

My Uncle Dave was married to my Auntie Tracey (I was bridesmaid aged 5). They they got divorced and I never saw her again (age 6). Whem I was about 8, Uncle Dave met Sharon. They got engaged when I was 10. She remained Sharon. Then they got married when I was 16. I said to her on their wedding day 'do I have to call you Auntie Sharon now' and she replied, no, she was just 'Sharon'. I've also heard her on the phone when staying with them, referring to me as 'Dave's niece', so she clearly sees me as that, not her own. Which I'm fine with.

I think you see this boy in the same way. And you've said that you don't feel comfortable with the Auntie side of it. So just your first name is fine. His other behaviour isn't, but the kid sounds like he's having a tough time at the moment. Worry less about what he calls you and focus on how you could support him.

*All names changed to protect the innocent.

I'm of an age when everyone involved with our family was called auntie/uncle, even the neighbours and family friends. My own boys (now at uni age) called all my sisters and their husbands auntie/uncle when they were younger and still do if they are talking about them.

And you shouldn't be telling him what to do when his mum or auntie are there.

Really? I sometimes wonder how people on mn ever manage to have coherent relationships with people not blood related. If I told a child in my house that lunch was ready and they said 'no I don't have to come/eat it' I would absolutely pull them up on their manners/attitude, regardless of whether a parent or other blood relative was there, if I felt it was necessary.

OP I wouldn't worry too much about what he does or doesn't call you just more on building your relationship.