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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be as pissed off as I am about DH's family?

140 replies

lezpez · 28/10/2020 17:58

Little bit of a backstory but not too much as I simply don't think it's relevant. Me and DH have always kept ourselves to ourselves from the beginning. If invited to a family party or event, we would always turn up and show our faces though because while DH simply doesn't care, I like to keep everyone happy. There's been a a lot of things that happened or been said in the past few years that just threw everything back in my face essentially. I have always made an effort with his family(MIL, his brothers and sisters and their kids), sometimes maybe a bit too much. As I said, I like to make and keep people happy. This is never ever given or shown back to me from their side. Great. So BIL's girlfriend gave birth over a month ago and we still to this day have not been invited round to see them and congratulate them even despite me texting her regularly to see if baby is ok, how she's adjusting, etc. (To which I never get a response to btw). Everyone else in the family has seen them multiple times since and they've been out and about. It was DD's birthday last month and BIL's girlfriend said her son could not attend her birthday party for her cousins (which was for 6 people btw before I get attacked) because he of 'COVID' and the newborn at home even though they've had people in and out of their house and they've been out every weekend with the newborn. Fine, I left it but I was really upset as I wanted DD's cousins to be there. She has been really spiteful towards my DD quite a few times, excluding her out of parties and talking badly of her purely because she wanted to be the first to have a girl but we ended up being the first, not a big deal imo. We've been to see MIL today and I asked if she's sees the baby this week and how are they doing as I'm not getting a response. Only for her to say 'no, not been yet but going tomorrow as X is having a halloween....' and then she stopped talking. So I asked 'Halloween what?' And she completely ignored me. Turns out BIL's girlfriend is throwing a Halloween party for the kids in the family tomorrow but DD wasn't invited. I will no doubt see pics on Instagram later on in the week though. AIBU to be pissed off here? I haven't done anything but be nice and helpful and my 2yo DD doesn't deserve to be excluded and left out just because they seem to have some sort of a problem with me for some strange reason.

OP posts:

lughnasadh · 28/10/2020 18:02

If you don't get on, why would they invite you?

Duty visits are no fun, take the hint and leave them be.

DuzzyFuck · 28/10/2020 18:04

It doesn't sound as if you like them much OP, or them you, so just stop making the effort and leave it be, particularly if your DH isn't bothered either? Use your energy elsewhere.

Original poster

lezpez · 28/10/2020 18:04

@lughnasadh we don't not get on though. And we always invite them to everything. MIL would also go ballistic at us if we didn't.

OP posts:

CovidClara · 28/10/2020 18:05

If there is a numbers limit then a 2-year old is really too young to appreciate a Halloween party

Thehop · 28/10/2020 18:07

But MIL is keeping this a secret from you? So she must be okay with not inviting certain people?

AIMD · 28/10/2020 18:07

Op I think you might actually NOT get on. At least it sounds that way from your op.
I’d say they’re sending clear messages they’re aren’t interested. Rather than flog a dead horse I’d focus your attention on the relationships in your life that are more positive for you and your DD. No point forcing a relationship simply because you’re family.

vanillandhoney · 28/10/2020 18:08

Your language makes it pretty obvious that you dislike them!

But I have to say, if your DH isn't bothered, why are you so bothered about including everyone and spending time together? I see my in-laws (as in, MIL and FIL) but that's really the extent of it. There's no need for you all to hang out and get along just because you married each other's relatives.

MootingMirror · 28/10/2020 18:08

So, you don't like them and they don't like you. Despite that, you keep inviting them to things and expecting them to come - when they won't because they don't like you. You also expect them to invite you to things but they don't, because they don't like you.
YABU to invite people you don't like to things and expect them to come. YAalsoBU to think people who don't like you should invite you to things.

Sceptre86 · 28/10/2020 18:10

I think the above posters are being deliberately obtuse. Your dd is her children's cousin and it would have been nice to have invited her. What kid doesn't enjoy chocolate, dressing up and games? They shouldn't have left her out and you are well within your rights to be upset. Your dh should step up though and maybe you should both take a step back from them. If mil moans then your dh steps up to deal with her. You back off completely, for some reason they have an issue with you. Either address it and try to make amends or leave well alone and enjoy your own family unit. Best of luck.

MootingMirror · 28/10/2020 18:12

Also, it's not possible with the rule of six.
Your daughter's party - You, DH, DD. If they came with their two children then that would be seven.
Halloween Party - BIL, BILgf, their two children. If you went with DH and DD, that would be 7.
You've said there are "brothers and sisters" in the plural so BIL isn't the only one - so, why do you think you should be in their top people?

Sunnydaysstillhere · 28/10/2020 18:15

Just retreat and take your dignity op. My now exsil made zero effort with my dc so I just walked away.
Save your efforts for your own dc.

Halliehallie9828 · 28/10/2020 18:15

[quote lezpez]@lughnasadh we don't not get on though. And we always invite them to everything. MIL would also go ballistic at us if we didn't. [/quote]
But you don’t get on.

She clearly doesn’t like you and don’t get on with you.

burglarbettybaby · 28/10/2020 18:17

All you can do is lower contact and unfollow social media. It's really hurtful but what can you do.

Bluntness100 · 28/10/2020 18:19

Is this not a Covid numbers thing?

Original poster

lezpez · 28/10/2020 18:21

If I did go low contact and unfollow on social media as suggested, I would be the bad guy for 'causing drama'. I just can't win. We always get all the kids birthday and Christmas presents whereas my DD didn't get a present of any of them. I think it's unfair on her. That's all.

OP posts:

PhilCornwall1 · 28/10/2020 18:22

I'd say she is sending a not so subtle hint to you.

Wouldn't worry about it. Just keep yourselves to yourselves, solves a multitude of problems.

vanillandhoney · 28/10/2020 18:23

@lezpez

I really don't know what you want people to say, then.

You clearly all dislike each other, so just stop. If there's any fall-out, direct them in your DH's direction - they're his family.

vanillandhoney · 28/10/2020 18:25

@Sceptre86

Just because they're cousins, doesn't mean they have to hang out together and be friends, though. I don't really think not inviting a 2yo toddler to a party is "leaving them out". The 2yo doesn't know there's a party or that they're not invited to it.

stackemhigh · 28/10/2020 18:27

Stop sending them presents.
Stop inviting them to anything
You will always be the bad guy so stop giving them more excuses to hurt you.

willstarttomorrow · 28/10/2020 18:30

Sorry OP. It is really clear they do not like you and do not share your assumption that 'duty visits or invites are necessary. Whether this is warranted or not is impossible to say but when numbers are limited why would you invite people you do not particularly want to be there?

AIMD · 28/10/2020 18:30

@lezpez

It is unfair on her but if they are like that now it won’t change, and no/low contact would be better IMO than putting your child in a situation with people who don’t treat her the same as the other children in the family. People like that don’t change, they won’t suddenly start buying her gifts and including it her if they aren’t already doing it.

Who cares if they think your the bad guy? If you have low/no contact whatever they think shouldn’t impact on you....that’s the point of low/no contact.

It sounds like you are trying to get the situation to change to one where you all get on and they value you and it just doesn’t sound like that is a realistic aim.

MaverickDanger · 28/10/2020 18:31

Mute and hide her on social media rather than unfollow.

Show an interest via other family members, but don’t engage directly.

She’s obviously not that bothered about having a relationship, so don’t let her live rent-free in your head. No need for any drama, just focus on who you want in your life & direct your attention there.

Leeds2 · 28/10/2020 18:31

I think I would be a little upset too if my DD was excluded from a cousins’ party. Although I can see that this year, with Covid, numbers may be a problem and maybe you/your DD have been left out as she is the youngest.
Going forward, I would just stop making any effort to contact them or invite them to anything. Wait until they contact you. Which they may or may not do. Stop buying them presents. If MIL asks you why, tell her you are following their example and don’t let her make you feel bad or guilty.

DowntonCrabby · 28/10/2020 18:32

Leave them all to get on with it. They’ve shown how they are, you won’t change them but can change your reactions to them.

I’d certainly match their indifference or exclusion towards your family with the same towards them as life goes on and the kids all grow up.

MrsMarrio · 28/10/2020 18:32

Seems like MIL is ok with them not inviting your family to things though but not the other way around? I completely get the obligatory invites and show your face thing, I'm the youngest (by quite a bit) and have 4 brothers and it's always me that has attended everything, bought presents, babysat etc for my brothers to then all fall out with each other just before my wedding and 2 not attend! Now I only really speak to 1.5 of them and it's been 3 years and had my first child (who has 11 cousins and has only met 2) if it was me I would keep up the pleasantries so no one can ever say it was you who never bothered or accuse you of some wrong doing. As DD is being left out of things it is more likely than not it will come to blows as they are excluding your child who is innocent in all this. When that happens, present evidence of your attendance/ gift giving/ well wishes/ texts (that have all gone unanswered) and you being excluded from things then just forget them.

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