To be as pissed off as I am about DH's family?

[lezpez]

Little bit of a backstory but not too much as I simply don't think it's relevant. Me and DH have always kept ourselves to ourselves from the beginning. If invited to a family party or event, we would always turn up and show our faces though because while DH simply doesn't care, I like to keep everyone happy. There's been a a lot of things that happened or been said in the past few years that just threw everything back in my face essentially. I have always made an effort with his family(MIL, his brothers and sisters and their kids), sometimes maybe a bit too much. As I said, I like to make and keep people happy. This is never ever given or shown back to me from their side. Great. So BIL's girlfriend gave birth over a month ago and we still to this day have not been invited round to see them and congratulate them even despite me texting her regularly to see if baby is ok, how she's adjusting, etc. (To which I never get a response to btw). Everyone else in the family has seen them multiple times since and they've been out and about. It was DD's birthday last month and BIL's girlfriend said her son could not attend her birthday party for her cousins (which was for 6 people btw before I get attacked) because he of 'COVID' and the newborn at home even though they've had people in and out of their house and they've been out every weekend with the newborn. Fine, I left it but I was really upset as I wanted DD's cousins to be there. She has been really spiteful towards my DD quite a few times, excluding her out of parties and talking badly of her purely because she wanted to be the first to have a girl but we ended up being the first, not a big deal imo. We've been to see MIL today and I asked if she's sees the baby this week and how are they doing as I'm not getting a response. Only for her to say 'no, not been yet but going tomorrow as X is having a halloween....' and then she stopped talking. So I asked 'Halloween what?' And she completely ignored me. Turns out BIL's girlfriend is throwing a Halloween party for the kids in the family tomorrow but DD wasn't invited. I will no doubt see pics on Instagram later on in the week though. AIBU to be pissed off here? I haven't done anything but be nice and helpful and my 2yo DD doesn't deserve to be excluded and left out just because they seem to have some sort of a problem with me for some strange reason.

If I were you I’d cut contact. You send birthday and Christmas presents and your daughter doesn’t get any in return. I’ve been in the same boat and I just though, sod them.
Spend the money on your little girl and get on with having a good life without the negativity.

@lezpez

Little bit of a backstory but not too much as I simply don't think it's relevant. Me and DH have always kept ourselves to ourselves from the beginning. If invited to a family party or event, we would always turn up and show our faces though because while DH simply doesn't care, I like to keep everyone happy. There's been a a lot of things that happened or been said in the past few years that just threw everything back in my face essentially. I have always made an effort with his family(MIL, his brothers and sisters and their kids), sometimes maybe a bit too much. As I said, I like to make and keep people happy. This is never ever given or shown back to me from their side. Great. So BIL's girlfriend gave birth over a month ago and we still to this day have not been invited round to see them and congratulate them even despite me texting her regularly to see if baby is ok, how she's adjusting, etc. (To which I never get a response to btw). Everyone else in the family has seen them multiple times since and they've been out and about. It was DD's birthday last month and BIL's girlfriend said her son could not attend her birthday party for her cousins (which was for 6 people btw before I get attacked) because he of 'COVID' and the newborn at home even though they've had people in and out of their house and they've been out every weekend with the newborn. Fine, I left it but I was really upset as I wanted DD's cousins to be there. She has been really spiteful towards my DD quite a few times, excluding her out of parties and talking badly of her purely because she wanted to be the first to have a girl but we ended up being the first, not a big deal imo. We've been to see MIL today and I asked if she's sees the baby this week and how are they doing as I'm not getting a response. Only for her to say 'no, not been yet but going tomorrow as X is having a halloween....' and then she stopped talking. So I asked 'Halloween what?' And she completely ignored me. Turns out BIL's girlfriend is throwing a Halloween party for the kids in the family tomorrow but DD wasn't invited. I will no doubt see pics on Instagram later on in the week though. AIBU to be pissed off here? I haven't done anything but be nice and helpful and my 2yo DD doesn't deserve to be excluded and left out just because they seem to have some sort of a problem with me for some strange reason.

It sounds like she's pissed that you had a girl first so her daughter isn't as 'special' and is resentful or jealous of you. So no matter how nice you are, it won't work. There are people in my family like that, unfortunately I can't cut them out but in all honesty I wouldn't bother with any of them. Perhaps the grandparents big necessary but your DD and you both are better off without a toxic family.

As for MIL be frank and say that her son is just not interested in seeing the family and you have given up trying.

@lezpez

Also, just thinking out loud here.. what if they end up buying DD a Christmas present while I will have nothing for their DC? Maybe I'm just thinking way ahead.

Then consider it in repayment for all the gifts and cards they haven't given her that you have given their children. Or tell all of them that you are 'retrenching' and not buying gifts for the larger family this year so they needn't buy for you all.

Personally, I'd just stop contacting them altogether. Let them make the effort or not as they choose.

Just give up op. You're hated because you dared to have a daughter. She wanted a girl first. She's petty, childish and stupid.

None of them care, your DH doesn't either, just stop contacting them. You can't do anything right, you could win the lottery and give them a house, they'd still hate you. Why bother?

Don't see them at Christmas- rule of 6 and all that. If your DD gets a present - unlikely - great. Don't buy for any if them - MIL included. She is a shit stirrer that enjoys making drama. She's also a bitch to drop the Hallowe'en bomb, knowing you weren't invited.

I would be the bad guy for 'causing drama'.

Why do you care? You see them out of duty, they don't invite you given the option.

Build your relationships with people you like and who like you and let everyone else get on with it.

If your husband isn’t bothered about family stuff, then I think your energies would be better spent on understanding his feelings and supporting him to have the relationship with them that he finds suits him best, rather than trying to act as some kind of mediator between him and his family.

I think your husband should decide how much contact he wants to have with them, then you say how much of that you would want to take part in, and work out what suits you together.

I understand that you will feel sad for your daughter, but at 2 she won’t have noticed. No toddler will enjoy spending time with people who don’t enjoy their company, so save her and you the unpleasant experience. Do you get on with and feel valued by your own family? Friends? Your husband’s friends? Your daughter will benefit from those relationships, not people who are related to her dad.

You tried with the best intentions. You did your best. Now it’s time to let it go. It’s a shame you didn’t find friends in your ILs, but that’s their loss.

Just go low contact. You are already the bad guy in this, why bother? Don't text them, don't buy presents and if they have a problem with it just go even lower contact.
If by some miracle they do get your daughter a present say thanks and nothing else.

Take your Dh's lead on this OP.

He obviously isn't arsed for a reason. You are trying to force something that plainly isn't there.

Op personally I would t go this dXmas.
Where are your family?.

Agree with terrible lizard.. Follow your dh lead.
This Xmas if you must go tone the gifts right down to token gifts only.

Buy gifts, wrap, leave in boot of car.
IF you get given some you can pretend you forgot to get out of the car.
Keep receipts in a book, of what you bought and just return them if you get nothing.

@mummmy2017

Buy gifts, wrap, leave in boot of car. IF you get given some you can pretend you forgot to get out of the car. Keep receipts in a book, of what you bought and just return them if you get nothing.

Yep agree with this

@lezpez

If I did go low contact and unfollow on social media as suggested, I would be the bad guy for 'causing drama'. I just can't win. We always get all the kids birthday and Christmas presents whereas my DD didn't get a present of any of them. I think it's unfair on her. That's all.

You are right, ignoring you daughter isn't nice at all. But you are going to be the bad guy anyway, so why go to so much trouble?

In situations where I know I can't win, I tend to take the cheapest and least stressful option. You are creating stress for yourself by trying to make them like you (I don't really believe this is about you needing to make people happy, it seems much more like you needing to be liked). You can disengage and let them say what they like about you. If you don't read it or hear it, who cares?

Unfortunately, DH thinks the world of MIL. I am really pissed off with her too for being sneaky like this especially as just before covid when I had my hen do, they said they wouldn't come so I never invited them and decided would have a better time without them. MIL invited both SIL's behind my back and said that 'everyone needs an invite because we're a family at the end of the day' . But when either DH, myself or DD are not wanted at one of their parties or events, she will keep it quiet from us just so they are happy. I just find it ridiculous.

Why isn’t your DH telling that Sheba’s double standards because she doesn’t tell the rest of the family to invite you and your dd?

Is DH invited to these family parties?

*she has not sheba

@stackemhigh no, we are only invited when the event is not organised by his brothers basically.

Cut your losses and go your separate ways. Why are you scared of MIL?
If she starts fuck her off too

Op without your effort would your dh contact them, and make an offer effort to?

Bastards! Do the brothers / SILs turn up at yours when your MIL invites them?

I have a similar dynamic with DH's brothers wife. We were never close anyways. He doesn't like the wife. I don't care either way and it's just awkward to know how to manage it all. She's just had another baby. They tell us very little and are cagey. As such I stay out of it. Will text to check in but expect nothing in return.

Stop trying so bloody hard. Leave it to your dh to organise gifts etc. Don’t remind/pester him. They sound unlikely to get your dd anything, so ignore.

I might be inclined to be busy myself - but send DH and DD to gatecrash the family Halloween party, your DD will spend time with her cousins - and then see what is said to your DH and what develops from that....

Sorry I feel like I'm reading a different thread to PPs.

Are you missing the point that DD is not getting invited to parties with her cousins through no fault of her own?