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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be as pissed off as I am about DH's family?

140 replies

lezpez · 28/10/2020 17:58

Little bit of a backstory but not too much as I simply don't think it's relevant. Me and DH have always kept ourselves to ourselves from the beginning. If invited to a family party or event, we would always turn up and show our faces though because while DH simply doesn't care, I like to keep everyone happy. There's been a a lot of things that happened or been said in the past few years that just threw everything back in my face essentially. I have always made an effort with his family(MIL, his brothers and sisters and their kids), sometimes maybe a bit too much. As I said, I like to make and keep people happy. This is never ever given or shown back to me from their side. Great. So BIL's girlfriend gave birth over a month ago and we still to this day have not been invited round to see them and congratulate them even despite me texting her regularly to see if baby is ok, how she's adjusting, etc. (To which I never get a response to btw). Everyone else in the family has seen them multiple times since and they've been out and about. It was DD's birthday last month and BIL's girlfriend said her son could not attend her birthday party for her cousins (which was for 6 people btw before I get attacked) because he of 'COVID' and the newborn at home even though they've had people in and out of their house and they've been out every weekend with the newborn. Fine, I left it but I was really upset as I wanted DD's cousins to be there. She has been really spiteful towards my DD quite a few times, excluding her out of parties and talking badly of her purely because she wanted to be the first to have a girl but we ended up being the first, not a big deal imo. We've been to see MIL today and I asked if she's sees the baby this week and how are they doing as I'm not getting a response. Only for her to say 'no, not been yet but going tomorrow as X is having a halloween....' and then she stopped talking. So I asked 'Halloween what?' And she completely ignored me. Turns out BIL's girlfriend is throwing a Halloween party for the kids in the family tomorrow but DD wasn't invited. I will no doubt see pics on Instagram later on in the week though. AIBU to be pissed off here? I haven't done anything but be nice and helpful and my 2yo DD doesn't deserve to be excluded and left out just because they seem to have some sort of a problem with me for some strange reason.

OP posts:

stackemhigh · 28/10/2020 21:55

@Storyoftonight eh?

MsSquiz · 28/10/2020 21:58

Please stop trying and making the effort.

If your DD came home from school and said she kept trying to be friends with a girl in her class but that girl refused to play, didn't speak to her, excluded her; what would you say?
Would you tell her to keep trying or should you tell her to stop?

And WRT Christmas, have something small in as a backup, in case they buy your DD something but you could always give it to charity if they don't.
But since they exclude your DD from things and don't buy her gifts, I'm not sure why you think they would this time?

Brefugee · 28/10/2020 21:59

Also, just thinking out loud here.. what if they end up buying DD a Christmas present while I will have nothing for their DC?

OP that is called the triumph of hope of experience. Don't give it another thought. And if they do get something? Say thank you. And that's it.

mathanxiety · 28/10/2020 22:01

If I did go low contact and unfollow on social media as suggested, I would be the bad guy for 'causing drama'. I just can't win. We always get all the kids birthday and Christmas presents whereas my DD didn't get a present of any of them. I think it's unfair on her. That's all

You will just have to learn to live with all of that and try to forget about them all.

Look on the bright side - stopping the presentpalooza is going to save you a lot of time and money.

Original poster

lezpez · 28/10/2020 22:03

No, MIL always almost 'forces' us or makes us feel pressured to include them and their kids in everything and anything (if we don't, she will invite them behind our back as previously mentioned) but not the other way round.

OP posts:

stackemhigh · 28/10/2020 22:05

But do they turn up?

FatCatThinCat · 28/10/2020 22:05

So don't invite MIL either. She can't invite others if she doesn't know it's happening.

TerribleLizard · 28/10/2020 22:05

If your DH is that attached to his mother, then he can do all the running required. Even with the loveliest ILs in the world, you aren’t obliged to be friends.

You’ve done enough. Spend your time with people who make you happy.

Cantdoitallperfectly · 28/10/2020 22:07

What does your DH say about the situation?

Cantdoitallperfectly · 28/10/2020 22:09

What I’m mean is does he actively dislike them or is he quite blasé? Has he talked about any fall outs. Are they jealous of you? I think actively excluding your DD is really mean and hurtful and you need to pull away now before she realises

PostItJoyWeek · 28/10/2020 22:09

if I did go low contact and unfollow on social media as suggested, I would be the bad guy for 'causing drama'. I just can't win.

And

I like to make and keep people happy. This is never ever given or shown back to me from their side.

Right there is your real problem. Your idea of a win is bonkers. You cannot control what other people think of you and say about you. You cannot and should not attempt to control other people's emotions to meet your own needs. You can only control what you do and what you allow to be done to you.

Stop contact, stop social media with them, leave it all to DH. Bingo your life will have much less crap in it. That is the win.

To be as pissed off as I am about DH's family?

Nanny0gg · 28/10/2020 22:10

@lezpez

So what if you are the 'bad guy'

When your DD is older she is going to notice all this exclusion.

So pre-empt it and go low/no contact now. There is no relationship so be brave enough to face the consequences.

You'll feel better for it

Original poster

lezpez · 28/10/2020 22:12

@stackemhigh only time they didn't was my hen do to which they said they wouldn't come anyway and DD's birthday. Otherwise they turned up to everything else I think

OP posts:

SheSaidHummingbird · 28/10/2020 22:13

@lezpez

You're not 'winning' at the moment though! You're giving, giving, giving and still being pressurised by MIL and marginalised by SIL.

Enough! If MIL gives you a hard time about going no contact, you can cite the many, many, many times that you were snubbed - which she is clearly aware of when she realised her mistake in telling you about the Halloween party. She won't have a leg to stand on.

It's a shame that the cousins won't be close, but it certainly wasn't without a major effort on your part. Please don't feel guilty about that.

Original poster

lezpez · 28/10/2020 22:25

DH has always been very quiet and keeps to himself. That's the way he is, he doesn't dislike them, they're his brothers but he also isn't on a super friendly note unless he has to or is spoken to, he just thinks they are full of shit and not someone he wants to be around. I'm however a pushover and let people make me look like a mug and laugh at me in face over and over again.

@Cantdoitallperfectly funny thing you mentioned the jealousy. DH has always said this. Both his brothers are older and always try to act like 'alpha male' and head of the family, try to act and look more posh then they are so people think higher of them for some reason. (This is also why MIL respects them so much because she thinks they are both a head of the family and they earn more than anyone else in the family (until she found out how much DH is on). They are a very money focused family even though they don't have much of it and half of them don't work. When they found out that DH earns twice their salary when he's a lot younger, they started treating us differently a lot then too and we got a few funny looks too like when we got a new car they could probably not afford or a new house, etc. When they do come around and actually talk to us every once in a blue moon, they are mostly being nosy.

OP posts:

BlueThistles · 28/10/2020 22:26

OP they sound like utter horrible bastards.. and anyone defending that behaviour can fuck right off..

Cut them off once and for all.. live your live with your own beautiful children and FUCK THEM ..

Mulhollandmagoo · 28/10/2020 22:27

What would happen if you directly asked your MIL why you weren't invited? I can see why you're frustrated, it seems like they're being quite nasty! I'd distance yourself from now on, no more gifts or party invites for anyone and if they ask why, circle back to the Halloween party and tell them you assumed that this is how it is now? If you're worried about them buying your daughter gifts and it would out your mind at ease, breezily mention to your MIL when you next see her that you're not doing gifts this year and will be focussing on your daughter only, I get the feeling the message will be relayed back

Goldencurtain · 28/10/2020 23:11

OP, it's becoming increasingly clear the problem is you. Anyone who says the following is far too caught up in their own story tales of drama where they are the centre of the world:

"I'm however a pushover and let people make me look like a mug and laugh at me in face over and over again."

I really doubt they're thinking of you one tiny bit.

Cantdoitallperfectly · 28/10/2020 23:13

Well it makes a lot more sense now, there’s a whole lot of power playing going on! Head of family? Do they think they’re the mafia?! They’re clearly jealous of your lifestyle and are, wrongly, penalising your DD. Your DH clearly sees through them.

Goldencurtain · 28/10/2020 23:15

I don't see my BIL/SIL and their kids because I already have my own friends with kids. They're nice people but my life is busy enough.

You're using incredibly emotive language, ascribing such nasty motivations to them, when really they might just have other friends they want to see more. They owe you nothing you big weirdo.

joanwinifred · 28/10/2020 23:19

@lezpez

You can mute people on social media so you wouldn't see them and can limit what they can see too.
Don't get them presents for birthdays and Christmas this year.
Enjoy Halloween with your DD and don't worry about their party.
Maybe they are keeping it small because of the current situation?
Just rise above. Keep being pleasant and don't give them a reason to justify being rude. Be the bigger person and don't let it bother you.
Some people just won't like you in life and that's ok!

Newfornow · 28/10/2020 23:19

Move on. Do what you want why are you being controlled by mil.

Storyoftonight · 28/10/2020 23:22

[quote stackemhigh]@Storyoftonight eh?[/quote]
Not sure what you're asking me.

Many PP have said just leave it , she obviously doesn't like you , forget it , etc etc.

titnomatani · 28/10/2020 23:34

This has been quite a triggering post for me OP. I've two DC under two (madness!) and out of DH's very large family, the person who's made an effort to see them is my MIL- twice when DC1 was 7 and 12 weeks old. She hasn't seen the baby and to my knowledge hasn't asked to see him either. Like you, I made the effort and bent over backwards to please, be the one making an effort with everyone but I've come to the conclusion that they're a very broken family and have very low self-esteem. As a result of them, they're toxic. I'm now NC contact with them. My DH (and by extension me and the DC) have been ostracised and we never hear about births, deaths or marriages in the wider family which has upset DHs aunts and uncles because they think he doesn't care and has forgotten them all since marrying me- so I'm the scapegoat there too. My own siblings aren't any better- I was the one that got away so to speak so I'm mistreated there too so again, I'm LC/NC. The thing that kills me is my DC have 9 cousins on my side and about a gazillion in their fathers side but they don't know anyone. I didn't care for a long time because I thought good riddance to negativity in my life but I had horrendous PND after DC2 and suddenly everything hurts that little bit more. I'd definitely recommend distancing yourself, adopting a 'don't give two shits* attitude and getting some therapy for yourself. It's horrible what your ILs are doing to you/your DD and none of it is accidental or a mistake. There's a plan behind what's happening and that's to get to you. Rise above it.

ViciousJackdaw · 28/10/2020 23:52

They sound like a dreadful bunch. I get that you are gutted for your DD but look at it another way - does she really need such toxic people in her life? Faaamily (and I always think of that word in a Phil Mitchell accent) is not the be all and end all. Better to have a couple of genuine loving, caring rellies on your side than a whole troop of rotters to contend with.

Save your people pleasing energy for those who truly deserve it.

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