To be as pissed off as I am about DH's family?

[lezpez]

Little bit of a backstory but not too much as I simply don't think it's relevant. Me and DH have always kept ourselves to ourselves from the beginning. If invited to a family party or event, we would always turn up and show our faces though because while DH simply doesn't care, I like to keep everyone happy. There's been a a lot of things that happened or been said in the past few years that just threw everything back in my face essentially. I have always made an effort with his family(MIL, his brothers and sisters and their kids), sometimes maybe a bit too much. As I said, I like to make and keep people happy. This is never ever given or shown back to me from their side. Great. So BIL's girlfriend gave birth over a month ago and we still to this day have not been invited round to see them and congratulate them even despite me texting her regularly to see if baby is ok, how she's adjusting, etc. (To which I never get a response to btw). Everyone else in the family has seen them multiple times since and they've been out and about. It was DD's birthday last month and BIL's girlfriend said her son could not attend her birthday party for her cousins (which was for 6 people btw before I get attacked) because he of 'COVID' and the newborn at home even though they've had people in and out of their house and they've been out every weekend with the newborn. Fine, I left it but I was really upset as I wanted DD's cousins to be there. She has been really spiteful towards my DD quite a few times, excluding her out of parties and talking badly of her purely because she wanted to be the first to have a girl but we ended up being the first, not a big deal imo. We've been to see MIL today and I asked if she's sees the baby this week and how are they doing as I'm not getting a response. Only for her to say 'no, not been yet but going tomorrow as X is having a halloween....' and then she stopped talking. So I asked 'Halloween what?' And she completely ignored me. Turns out BIL's girlfriend is throwing a Halloween party for the kids in the family tomorrow but DD wasn't invited. I will no doubt see pics on Instagram later on in the week though. AIBU to be pissed off here? I haven't done anything but be nice and helpful and my 2yo DD doesn't deserve to be excluded and left out just because they seem to have some sort of a problem with me for some strange reason.

My dc don't have any cousins, and it occasionally makes them sad but there are quite a few adopter children at our school. Children out there have a lot less.

Op you seem entrenched here, you haven't I don't think mentioned your own family?

Don't make any big moves, slowly, polity, withdraw.... Gradually.. Don't black out on the sm in one go... Change your settings so they see less and less.. Answer calls, emails, texts less and less and fade out.

Concentrate on nice people.

'' Mil always forces us ''

No, you allow yourself to be forced.

How does she force you? Does she physically force you? Does she blackmail you.

What's the worst that could happen if you gently started to say no, make excuses... Stop including?

How often do you yiu see her?

Hi Op I can totally understand why you feel hurt on your daughter behalf, I find your in-laws family very weird towards, obviously they are dysfunctional family and toxic, and insecure with envious, their loss really.
I bet Golden curtains if your in-laws family were as emotionally abusive as op obviously are , you would have a different attitude, less Judgmental easy prob,easy to be a hypocrite isn't it.
I find your sneering attitude towards Op is quite weird too, you big Weirdo curtains rails or whatever!

Can't really understand why she would be so incredibly rude. Why is MIL ok with the way she treats you? Yet, as you say, she wouldn't be ok if they tables were turned?

I can completely understand why her behaviour is upsetting for you. You don't know why she treats you this way, and it's extremely frustrating! However, I wouldn't want a person like that in mine or my childs life, so cut them out completely. I personally wouldn't ask about them through relatives as a way of keeping distance, but obviously if someone brings them up just say "Oh that's nice, I'm glad they're doing well" (or a relevant, yet pleasant response). Also, sounds like MIL has been told to keep the halloween party from either you guys, or other people in general. Sounds quite nasty tbh. They could simply explain why they're only inviting certain people, rather than hide it from everyone.

Seriously, stop buying them presents, inviting them over etc, as they don’t give a shit about you. Go lc now whilst your dd is you g and doesn’t understand. This behaviour of continued will be undestood by your dd one day and she’ll be hurt. Protect her from the arseholes.

he doesn't dislike them, they're his brothers but he also isn't on a super friendly note unless he has to or is spoken to, he just thinks they are full of shit and not someone he wants to be around.

And yet he goes along with his mum’s wishes regarding them?

Ultimately, how your DH treated his relationship with his family is up to him. I’d just stop caring so much if I were you, OP. Easier said than done, I know, but really just keep it as minimum effort as possible - your DH is a hood role model in this - and try not yo care too much about your MIL’s desire for everyone to play happy families.

This year, and Christmas, is the perfect time to reset expectations around presents etc. Covid rules mean you might not see everyone in a big gathering, and so just do as suggested and buy some cheap and cheerful generic gifts for the nieces & nephews - selection packs and a fiver each in a card, say - and if they give your DD a present hand them over and if they don’t, don’t.

And if they’re obsessed by money do not discuss it ever at all.

I’d back off - let DH lead on anything to do with his family including phone calls and gifts. That’s his job. It’s not your job to run round after other people’s families. If he’s not bothered then neither should you.

Jealousy or maybe she just doesn't like your girl. It happens.

Selection boxes for each of the cousins, don't bring them out until / if they say they have something for your DD, and if they don't they can be taken to the food bank instead.

Well you now have your out with MIL.
When she tries to force you to invite them, your answer just needs to be a laugh and oh but you said it was ok not to invite ,remember the Halloween Party DD didn't get invited too.

OP - "he doesn't dislike them... he just thinks they are full of shit and not someone he wants to be around"

Stop pretending you like them when you clearly dont. Nor does your husband.

You don't like each other. So what. If MIL lies next time tell her! Ask her why it's ok you don't receive invites yet they need one every time. Don't go online moaning, address is properly.

I hate the martyr attitude "I'm nice to everyone why aren't they nice to me" when in reality they probably see through your guise and realise you don't.

A bit late but never tell family your salary.
My dm was always trying to find out what dh and I earned.
When we bought a beautiful home in the ‘90’s she actually said it wasn’t fair because my db could never afford the same!
My dm was a stirrer, your mil is the same.

Sometimes... We do wear a guise to smooth social stuff over. It's what we do to keep up links with wider family.
I've sat and bit my tongue for about 13 years and its doesn't work when people repeatedly disrespect you.

Op we went through hell and back over in laws. I've not seen them for two years, it's wonderful and covid has been a brilliant excuse to keep them further at bay.

I married my husband, I didn't sign anything that said I also had to be disrespected and abused by my in laws and put up with it.

The same for my dc.

lezpez I read this simple sentence recently and it has helped me deal with a painful ghosting by an old friend.

Go where you are wanted.

That’s it. In reality, in what you allow into your headspace, in what and who you pursue just..... go where you are wanted. You aren’t wanted by them, stop going there with gifts and effort and wondering how they feel.

Stop texting the SIL, stop sending gifts, stop inviting them to things, stop caring about what your MiL thinks, stop caring about being the ‘bad guy’ and get on with your own life.....ignore it all!