To be as pissed off as I am about DH's family?

[lezpez]

Little bit of a backstory but not too much as I simply don't think it's relevant. Me and DH have always kept ourselves to ourselves from the beginning. If invited to a family party or event, we would always turn up and show our faces though because while DH simply doesn't care, I like to keep everyone happy. There's been a a lot of things that happened or been said in the past few years that just threw everything back in my face essentially. I have always made an effort with his family(MIL, his brothers and sisters and their kids), sometimes maybe a bit too much. As I said, I like to make and keep people happy. This is never ever given or shown back to me from their side. Great. So BIL's girlfriend gave birth over a month ago and we still to this day have not been invited round to see them and congratulate them even despite me texting her regularly to see if baby is ok, how she's adjusting, etc. (To which I never get a response to btw). Everyone else in the family has seen them multiple times since and they've been out and about. It was DD's birthday last month and BIL's girlfriend said her son could not attend her birthday party for her cousins (which was for 6 people btw before I get attacked) because he of 'COVID' and the newborn at home even though they've had people in and out of their house and they've been out every weekend with the newborn. Fine, I left it but I was really upset as I wanted DD's cousins to be there. She has been really spiteful towards my DD quite a few times, excluding her out of parties and talking badly of her purely because she wanted to be the first to have a girl but we ended up being the first, not a big deal imo. We've been to see MIL today and I asked if she's sees the baby this week and how are they doing as I'm not getting a response. Only for her to say 'no, not been yet but going tomorrow as X is having a halloween....' and then she stopped talking. So I asked 'Halloween what?' And she completely ignored me. Turns out BIL's girlfriend is throwing a Halloween party for the kids in the family tomorrow but DD wasn't invited. I will no doubt see pics on Instagram later on in the week though. AIBU to be pissed off here? I haven't done anything but be nice and helpful and my 2yo DD doesn't deserve to be excluded and left out just because they seem to have some sort of a problem with me for some strange reason.

Your family sound just like my DH's family! After the latest event I have decided that is it I am out. Luckily we live nowhere near them but I have put up with that kind of shit for 20 years and decided enough is enough. It is too outing to say what they have done as at least one of my SIL's is on here but I would ignore it and move on!

HOW DARE YOU DELIBERATELY HAVE A GIRL???!!!!!

What on earth does the silly woman think you could have done about it? You don't choose your baby's sex at conception, it doesn't work like that.

I would just stop worrying about them all, tbh. Concentrate on your side of the family and foster good relations there if you can. Otherwise, friend's children.

If your mother in law kicks off about you not inviting them to something, just tell her that you are not invited to their occasions so you have assumed that they prefer to be without your company. She sounds very controlling from what you have said. Stand up to her. I know in theory it should be your husband doing this but she obviously understands he doesn’t care and you do. As other people have said, treat them as they treat you.

We always get all the kids birthday and Christmas presents whereas my DD didn't get a present of any of them

Well just stop doing it. If MIL says anything just tell her straight that they don't bother, so you're not going to bother any more either. Go LC or NC and leave them all to get on with it.

Spend time with people who do care and reciprocate. Life is too short to do anything else.

I have a SIL who sounds like you OP. Despite various branches of the family not liking each other and lots of shit having gone on , my SIL still feels it necessary to try and keep family relations alive by inviting everyone to everything , constantly being in touch to ask how everyone is etc . It's done with the best intentions but the fact is that we just want to be left alone . Sad but true. Take the hint OP, concentrate on your own little family , you sound lovely. Also assess where you are at with MIL. Let MIL instigate seeing you and DD and you take a step back

My own family were like this OP and if I've learnt one thing it's that constantly banging your head against the wall only hurts you. They're not interested, so don't bother. Fill you life with people who are interested.

It is a bit shitty to exclude your daughter, in my opinion. MN is funny about things like this.

@stackemhigh

Stop sending them presents. Stop inviting them to anything You will always be the bad guy so stop giving them more excuses to hurt you.

This ......and make sure MIL knows exactly why since she is complicit.

Only go with positive energy. Ditch the bitch!

Yep agree with others, stop sending gifts etc, I dont usually agree with DC not getting gifts due to adults being arseholes, however I stopped sending my younger siblings DC anything because my sister couldnt even be arsed sending a card for christmas...dont even mention birthdays as my DC never got a thing. I sent stuff every year and when my mother made clear that my sisters kids had no idea where there presents came from because they were given as if from parents or santa I stopped. I have received on christmas card in 20 yrs. Focus on your DC

Sounds like they’ve got pretty poor social form. Ok you’re not going to be best buddies and that’s totally fine. But you’re all part of the same family and have young children at the same time. It’s a real shame they are acting this way because the only people who are going to miss out are the kids, who will question one day why they were kept apart as young cousins.

Stop trying. It isn’t going to work. Your H doesn’t so why should you? Your dd will only know if you make a thing of it, so don’t, just let it go. You clearly don’t like them so I’d say it’s time to turn your focus and energy elsewhere.

Another one saying take the hint.

I wouldn’t be buying gifts for their children if it wasn’t reciprocated. I wouldn’t be extending invites not to receive them back and I certainly wouldn’t be sending her messages to see how she was when I got no response.

Sorry to sound harsh but they are telling you loud and clear they aren’t interested. Surely you would rather protect your daughter from this rejection rather then keep trying to be a part of their lives?!

This is really sad for your DD, there’s no way on earth mine or my DH’s family would prevent cousins seeing each other just because the parents might not be best friends. Everyone knows you just have to be civil with some family members for the sake of the children, I totally get why you’re pissed off for your DD, she’s done nothing to deserve this. I wouldn’t be able to sit back and allow this, I’d want an answer to why DD is being excluded. Your DH can take her to parties, it’s nothing to do with how much they like you.

Also, just thinking out loud here.. what if they end up buying DD a Christmas present while I will have nothing for their DC? Maybe I'm just thinking way ahead.

Will you be seeing them on Christmas Day. If you do see them after Christmas and they mention they have got a present for DD at least you can buy there presents in the sale.

If you are that worried that they might get DD a present and you could buy them a present that also your DD would enjoy or a friends baby would enjoy but leave the present in the car. Then if they do whip out a present from DD you can go an get your presents from the car. If not then they can stay in the boot!

I agree with most posters here, tbh. You need to stop contacting them and leave them to it. If they want to re-connect, they will reach out. And I'd also start taking a step back from the MIL too, as she doesn't seem as fair as you think she is. Keep yourself to yourself and if your partner doesn't care about doing x, y and z with his family, then you shouldn't care either.

However, as an additional point, I can't tell you how annoying it is when someone you aren't keen on (whether that's for acceptable reasons or not) keeps texting you when you've just had a baby. It's hard enough to keep up with your own close circle of friends and family, nevermind replying to messages from people you don't even like. She doesn't want to discuss baby stuff with you, and you really should have got the hint after she didn't reply to the first message.

It's hard to know who is in the wrong as we don't have her side of the story, but just stop trying. If you keep trying you're only going to make them hate you more and you're going to end up looking a bit pathetic. Leave them to it with your integrity intact.

If they do buy your DD a present and you don’t buy for theirs, what’s the bid deal? They haven’t got her anything before!

*big deal

You need to let your DH deal with them from now on. His problem. He’s in charge of presents and making sure your DD isn’t excluded.

if they start about not being invited tell your dh to sort it out-they cant have it both ways

OP been there got the T-Shirt.

Some people are just arseholes. Dh side is exactly the same.

I’d be seriously pissed off with your mil too.

Op, I agree with the sceptre.

I'm don't know why your getting such a hard time.
As many millions of women do, you've fallen into the trap of bridging a gap between your dh and his mum and his family because you are aware of the gap to be bridged.

It's not your place or job to do this.
It's his family.
Your making huge efforts and they are nothing reciprocal.

Op you need to step back abd realise that unfortunately, people just can't behave like you want them too.

You have to put your dd first, how much more of this will you subject her too as she gets older?

The other part of the problem is, being scared to be the bad guy.
They already see you as the bad guy and yet your making all this effort. They are in control, they are bullies, they take you and your dh for granted.
Gracefully and without any fuss withdraw with your head held high.
Don't make any big announcements.. Slowly stop the gifts, the effort.. Stop arranging things, stop inviting them..

Withdraw.

Concentrate on the people who love your dd. Put your energy into where its going to be appreciated.
It's OK for people not to like us.

I would have said that your DH is the one they cannot be bothered with he sounds like a barrel of laughs at a family gathering, you are just swept up in the current because you are his partner being tarred with the same brush so to speak.

If they present dd with a Xmas gift just say thank you.