To be as pissed off as I am about DH's family?

[lezpez]

Little bit of a backstory but not too much as I simply don't think it's relevant. Me and DH have always kept ourselves to ourselves from the beginning. If invited to a family party or event, we would always turn up and show our faces though because while DH simply doesn't care, I like to keep everyone happy. There's been a a lot of things that happened or been said in the past few years that just threw everything back in my face essentially. I have always made an effort with his family(MIL, his brothers and sisters and their kids), sometimes maybe a bit too much. As I said, I like to make and keep people happy. This is never ever given or shown back to me from their side. Great. So BIL's girlfriend gave birth over a month ago and we still to this day have not been invited round to see them and congratulate them even despite me texting her regularly to see if baby is ok, how she's adjusting, etc. (To which I never get a response to btw). Everyone else in the family has seen them multiple times since and they've been out and about. It was DD's birthday last month and BIL's girlfriend said her son could not attend her birthday party for her cousins (which was for 6 people btw before I get attacked) because he of 'COVID' and the newborn at home even though they've had people in and out of their house and they've been out every weekend with the newborn. Fine, I left it but I was really upset as I wanted DD's cousins to be there. She has been really spiteful towards my DD quite a few times, excluding her out of parties and talking badly of her purely because she wanted to be the first to have a girl but we ended up being the first, not a big deal imo. We've been to see MIL today and I asked if she's sees the baby this week and how are they doing as I'm not getting a response. Only for her to say 'no, not been yet but going tomorrow as X is having a halloween....' and then she stopped talking. So I asked 'Halloween what?' And she completely ignored me. Turns out BIL's girlfriend is throwing a Halloween party for the kids in the family tomorrow but DD wasn't invited. I will no doubt see pics on Instagram later on in the week though. AIBU to be pissed off here? I haven't done anything but be nice and helpful and my 2yo DD doesn't deserve to be excluded and left out just because they seem to have some sort of a problem with me for some strange reason.

If you stop buying presents and they ‘make you out to be the bad guy’ then just look confused and say well they didn’t buy DD presents so I assumed we weren’t doing that anymore. There’s not much anyone can say to that, and if they do-who cares? If they don’t like you for whatever reason then all this effort is just flogging a dead horse. You won’t make them see that you’re right or whatever, they will continue to not like you and you just need to make peace with that and detach emotionally so you stop caring if they see you as the bad guy. So what? You see them as the bad guy-do you think they’re losing sleep over that? You’re lucky compared to many people with this situation as your DH doesn’t care so you can detach much more easily. Get on with your own life and stop pinning any worth on what these people think of you. Your Dd can socialise with her own friends and people who are genuinely your friends, she doesn’t need cousins and family who don’t want her or you there.

There's some good advice on here, I will definitely start implementing some of these changes. I still think it's a shame because things were great, almost perfect before we had DD and we were all one big family. I liked it that way. That all changed very quickly when we announced the sex of our baby. It's just very bizzare. We used to have so much to talk about and got on really well until that point.

You're already being left out of stuff, so why does it bother you that they'd accuse you of causing drama? Also your DH doesn't care. And MIL slipped up, she realised you're not invited and yet she told you. So make of that what you will.

For your own sanity, unfollow/unfriend on social media and move on with your life. You'll save money on presents, which is good.

Sometimes the trash takes itself out...This is one of those times. Be glad that they've shown their true colours- unfollow on social media, stop initiating contact, stop inviting them to things or enquiring about them. Job done. They've done you a favour. Don't buy any more presents or cards for them of theirs. Treat them as they treat you. Happy days.

Stop buying presents and then see what happens. If they say anything just say oh I thought as DD never gets anything we weren’t doing presents. Let your DH deal with his family, if they say anything just refer them to him

Concentrate on your family and friends who do want a relationship

We always get all the kids birthday and Christmas presents whereas my DD didn't get a present of any of them. I think it's unfair on her. That's all.

Don't continue to buy for them. Stop engaging with them, let them come to you. Don't let them treat your DD like shit. I had to cut out my ex in laws after they repeatedly left my DD out...no invitations to family children's parties, no birthday presents, no Christmas presents. It took them 18 months to realise they'd been cut off and then the drama ensued. I didn't engage.

YANBU OP but this is the problem
If invited to a family party or event, we would always turn up and show our faces though because while DH simply doesn't care, I like to keep everyone happy.

There is a reason your DH doesn’t care and it’s because his family don’t like him and by extension you and your DD. Your DH and his family (you and DD) are merely tolerated. If I were you, I’d stop the trying to make everyone happy. Let your DH decided how much contact to have with his family in future.

It's really shitty for them to take their dislike of you out on your daughter.
Not attending her birthday parties and not inviting her to parties is really petty and pathetic. If they really dislike you so much they could easily use Covid rules as an excuse for your DH and DD to go without you but instead they're taking it out on your daughter.
You're well rid of them.

@MaverickDanger

Mute and hide her on social media rather than unfollow.

Show an interest via other family members, but don’t engage directly.

She’s obviously not that bothered about having a relationship, so don’t let her live rent-free in your head. No need for any drama, just focus on who you want in your life & direct your attention there.

Love this.

Would add, it’s ok if you feel hurt by their behaviour, and to have not given up at the first hurdle(s).

But for you to keep going back for more of the same... They’re not likely to give you what you’re looking for - a bit of respect and love maybe? -but YOU can give those things to you. Oftentimes we need to learn how.

Shes a nob, pull away from them MIL included.
Never waste your energy on people who give nothing back its pointless.

@lezpez

If I did go low contact and unfollow on social media as suggested, I would be the bad guy for 'causing drama'. I just can't win. We always get all the kids birthday and Christmas presents whereas my DD didn't get a present of any of them. I think it's unfair on her. That's all.

So what? Fuck them off and make it official. What exactly do you have to lose apart from those feelings that you keep having?

It seems like the hypocrisy from your MIL is making this situation harder than it needs to be. YANBU for being upset about this side of it. Of course it stings.

But...

Honestly, you just need to let your needs in this go. It's really tough to accept when you're a people pleaser, but you have to find a way to accept it. They are your in laws, it is your DH's responsibility to cultivate a relationship with them, if there is one to be had. Yes, it can be hurtful to not be considered or thought of as you'd like to be, but in the long run you (and more importantly, DD) will feel more hurt by the constant exclusion and rejection. And equally, in the long term once you walk away from this toxic situation none of you will care all that much if you're not included. If your MIL says anything about you not including or inviting the rest of the family, get DH to explain why. It isn't down to you to fix or force the family together.

OP, this sounds very similar to my own situation with my in-laws.

Please do as your update says and start implementing some changes. Yes, it is a shame (especially for your DD) and no, it's not fair. But their indifference will just get you down and they don't deserve the headspace.

Do it sooner rather than later. My own DD was about 6 when she pointed out herself that her cousins don't visit or send her presents, why should we? That stopped me in my tracks, that a young child would be so very aware of the unhealthy dynamics. Since then I send cards, attend weddings and funerals and that's about it. DD is missing an extended family but the alternative is for her (and DH and me) to be the mugs. Not great for anybody's self - esteem, is it?

Cut them loose, you'll feel much better.

OP, they are not your family, they are your DPs. If he doesn't care about attending family events then take a leaf out of his book.
Their attitudes to you and your DD are shitty, IMO. I wouldn't bother with them in future, bad guy or not.

They are treating you badly despite what others say if they don't like you then they shouldn't accept a present or invite
Personally i wouldn't buy presents this year and when they ask why say oh i assumed you didn't want to do family presents as you don't for dd
Also unfollow them you don't have to delete just don't look if anyone asks why just say we are too busy with our lifes
I had inlaws like this , we made all effort they left us out of everything yet expected us to invite them
In the end we went low contact and thats how it still is although a little better as i learned to expect nothing of them
None of them have much of a relationship with my dc who see them for who they were quite quickly , but i consider them to be the ones who have missed out .
If your dh supports you as much aa it hurts just don't bother with them , so least amount possible

Well YABU to be pissed off at them OP, they do not like you, your DH does not like them. You have no obligation to them and yet you want them to play happy families.

They don't like you - I don't like loads of people and I no longer hang out with them (family or not). I used to hang out with my in-laws but honestly, life is so much better since I disengaged. You need to disengage. Make friends, spend time with friends and with your own family, if you have one. If not, then make more friends.

I can see why you are sad on your daughter's behalf. I think that the only thing that you can really do is stop making the effort though, and make sure that she is surrounded by people who love her - be they your own family, friends or whoever.

If you do go low contact and unfollow them on social media you won't have to see what they are leaving you and DD out of, which will stop you feeling upset about it. If they notice and comment, get DH to tell them why, which they probably could work out for themselves, but maybe it's should be spelt out to them. Also, don't buy presents for their children if they are not doing it for yours.

My sil was like yours. I'd invite her family over for fireworks/Christmas and birthdays. It was never ever reciprocated. I've taken a step back, and treat her exactly how she treats me. I don't invite her family over nor buy her children presents. I feel great now.

Thank you all. I think this is a hard pill to swallow but this post may have opened my eyes to what's actually going on. Unfortunately, I will have to stop being a people pleaser in this case. Or at least try.

It’s sad that a fallout has happened ( they just haven’t told you about it) but it’s time you concentrated on your own little one, and leave your sil to her own devices. We have had to do this with our own family, and it’s healthier for you in the long run.

There’s clearly something weird going on in the background that you don’t know about - and it’s their problem, not yours.

If your DH can’t be arsed keeping up contact, then you don’t have to. You can’t make them include your DD in things, but you can decide not to waste time, effort, money and emotion on people who don’t care to reciprocate.

Stop sorting out presents for your DH, stop being the person to initiate or facilitate communication, just... stop. Quietly, without fuss or drama.

@MootingMirror

So, you don't like them and they don't like you. Despite that, you keep inviting them to things and expecting them to come - when they won't because they don't like you. You also expect them to invite you to things but they don't, because they don't like you. YABU to invite people you don't like to things and expect them to come. YAalsoBU to think people who don't like you should invite you to things.

This, exactly!

Just stop it. I have SILs that I don’t like or get on with and the feeling is very much mutual. Although I’m not entirely sure what I did to make them dislike me, but their excluding of me/DH/our kids has made me detest them like you wouldn’t believe. We don’t speak, I don’t ask after them and I wouldn’t ever expect them to ask after us either because that’s just who they are as people. Yeah it’s annoying that I don’t know what I did to turn the two of them against us so badly but quite frankly I have better things to do with my time and money than waste it on people who only speak when we have an audience and they are at risk of looking bad. Just leave it. Let them make out like you’re the one causing the drama, they’ll get bored eventually or maybe, just maybe, they’ll start ignoring you completely too. Win win.