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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to think that when a man really loves a woman, he wants to marry her?

149 replies

MacbookHo · 27/10/2020 20:07

Am I?

OP posts:

MoistMolly · 27/10/2020 20:09

A man or woman can love their partner without loving the idea of marriage and what it represents

SicklyToaster · 27/10/2020 20:09

Depends on the man in question. Some people don't see marriage as more than it's legal rights and obligations.

NiceGerbil · 27/10/2020 20:10

Well it depends

Not if he's already married for example

Can you be more specific?

burritofan · 27/10/2020 20:12

Just read your thread title out loud to DP, then assumed a mournful expression and wafted my ringless hand. He chuckled. Damn, there goes our love story.

hammeringinmyhead · 27/10/2020 20:12

I voted YANBU in case this is one of those "We have been together 10 years and he's been saying he will propose for 5 of those years" threads.

gingerbreadfox · 27/10/2020 20:13

Hmm maybe not marry as such (not all believe in marriage) but spend the rest of his life with yes

arethereanyleftatall · 27/10/2020 20:13

Yabu.
I'm confident will never marry again regardless of how much in love I am.

Lovemusic33 · 27/10/2020 20:14

Marriage is just a piece of paper. I have been married and I don't think I would get married again but I hope I will be in love again.

Mytimetokillandmaim · 27/10/2020 20:14

Not if he doesn't believe in marriage. Some people just don't want to get married to anyone.

Hickorydickoryspock · 27/10/2020 20:15

First of all not everyone wants a traditionally structured relationship with just one person and it doesnt mean they dont feel love. Secondly some people grow up watching their married parents utterly miserable and/or acrimoniously divorcing and so are put off the concept of marriage full stop.

So yes I think there may be many instances where a man may love a woman very much but not want marriage.

However i do not think that if marriage is something you definitely want and is importantto you, that you should stay with a man who is ambivalent about it. If you've been sat there for years waiting for the big proposal.. i think you might want to evaluate that relationship and whether its really what you want. I think if a man hasn't been vocally against marriage as a concept from the start and you are in an otherwise traditional relationship with them then possibly it may be that they just dont love you.

user1487194234 · 27/10/2020 20:17

Yes deep down I do think this
And of course vice versa

Painsnail · 27/10/2020 20:17

Hmm, maybe not in the romantic sense but I would expect him to be worried about his beloved's financial security etc etc in the event of his death, which marriage would certainly help. People forget the legal side of a marriage certificate

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 27/10/2020 20:17

Not in every case, but in most. I always suspect that when a couple's been together for ages and not married, one or both them is secretly hoping for something better and keeping their options open!

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 27/10/2020 20:18

Not in every case, but in most. I always suspect that when a couple's been together for ages and not married, one or both them is secretly hoping for something better and keeping their options open!

BlueBoar · 27/10/2020 20:22

I suspect my DP would like to get married (again) but I will never ever marry anyone, which he knows. So it doesn’t matter what he wants or how much he loves me. I will never do it.

Cynara · 27/10/2020 20:22

I think it's a more nuanced matter than is captured by the question you're asking. I'm not a man, so can't address that aspect, but I love my DP very much indeed and am committed to him. I have made a will in his favour; nominated him to receive my pension in the event of my death; have given him lasting power of attorney in the event that I am incapacitated; have had 2 mortgages and share a DC with him. I'm going nowhere, we're a family. But marriage? No chance. Not ever. It's not for me and I've always known that, from the time I was a child.

So in answer to your question, I don't think it's as simple as "if someone won't marry you it means they don't love you/want to be with you". More context would be needed to advise on the specifics of your situation.

trixiebelden77 · 27/10/2020 20:23

I think there’s a small number of people who don’t ‘believe in’ marriage as a concept.

There’s a much bigger number of people who don’t ‘believe in’ it until they meet the person they want to marry.

The key is to work out which group you or your partner falls into.

TheyreComingToGetYouBarbara · 27/10/2020 20:23

If it's important to the woman that they marry and he refuses, then yes, I tend to believe that's a sign that he's not fully committed to her, unless he has some amazing backstory reasons for not ever wanting to be married. And even then it would be a deal-breaker for me.

ViciousJackdaw · 27/10/2020 20:23

YABU and it feels as though you're implying that all women want to get married. Me and the OH were together for 17 years before getting married and even then, it was only for NOK reasons (we've both got chronic illnesses).

museumum · 27/10/2020 20:24

Nope. I think some men (and women) have bad family experiences that mean they’ll never be in favour of marriage.

grenlei · 27/10/2020 20:25

I think there are plenty of people who get married who don't really love each other. Probably why the divorce rate is so high

ReallySpicyCurry · 27/10/2020 20:29

I think it depends.

If you're both reasonably young, and/or it's a first marriage, and neither party has personal, political, or religious objections towards the institution of marriage, then yes.

If you're older and it's not your first rodeo tbe then different factors come into play.

I'm one of the first of my friends to get married and have babies, and I always caution them about the sort of man who will string a woman along on the never-never. When I was younger I used to have all sorts of beliefs about how marriage was antiquated and antifeminist, but now I'm not quite sure what sort of shifting sands my objections were founded upon. Making a legal commitment to stay together and share assets seems like as good a framework for starting a family as any

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 27/10/2020 20:29

DH lived me enough to marry me, and I don't mean that as it sounds, I was the one who was adamant that I wouldn't have children without being married and I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone very long-term without marriage being on the cards. DH knew that from the outset (we'd been friends for years), however if I'd been someone who was apathetic about or strongly against marriage I don't think he would've been bothered by not being married. He did say to me about six months after we got married that he liked the feeling of being married more than he'd anticipated, he didn't think it would feel any different but it did. This also coincided with me falling pregnant and I think he suddenly felt like a grown up telling people 'my wife's pregnant'. So no I don't think being married or not is a marker of how much a man loves a woman, but in our case he lived me enough to recognise his important marriage was to me regardless of his ambivalence.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 27/10/2020 20:30

loved

Sparklesocks · 27/10/2020 20:31

No. I think some men (and women) are just not fussed about marriage even if they care deeply for their partner. Or they’ve been previously married and had a nasty divorce.

Some people just aren’t arsed about marriage.

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