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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think that when a man really loves a woman, he wants to marry her?

149 replies

MacbookHo · 27/10/2020 20:07

Am I?

OP posts:
Mallemo · 27/10/2020 20:31

Yes! Although there are many who will make excuses to avoid this truth.

Newfornow · 27/10/2020 20:33

Depends why marriage isn’t in the agenda.
If one does not love the other, is waiting for better options that is different to not being interested in the institution of marriage.
The legal and financial implications can offer protection And take some away. Depends on reasons for not wanting to marry.

tolerable · 27/10/2020 20:34

which man?which woman?before they do?theres so much scope.also quite a very lot of men.yabu.them loving you n worthy of rrest of yyour life=worlds apart

HeronLanyon · 27/10/2020 20:41

Not necessarily. He may not want to get married for a variety of reasons. He may also not think you want to get married. Not all women do !
Have you spoken about it with him?

Skyliner001 · 27/10/2020 20:46

No, it's not the 50s.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 27/10/2020 20:47

I think when a man wants to get married he doesn't wait around. DH proposed after 18 months and we were married before 3 years. He knew he wanted marriage and made it happen.

Original poster
MacbookHo · 27/10/2020 20:48

This isn’t about me. I’m honestly just wondering what other people think about this.

OP posts:
2Rebecca · 27/10/2020 20:52

I would not have had children with a man without the protection and commitment of marriage but if something happened to my husband I doubt I'd remarry, partly a protecting my assets thing and partly not wanting the faff

2Rebecca · 27/10/2020 20:55

We just discussed getting married rather than me waiting around to be proposed to

Holyrivolli · 27/10/2020 20:57

Nope. You can love someone and be committed without wanting to involve the state in your relationship which is all that marriage really is - a contract. I will never get married again as I want to have full autonomy over what I do with my life and assets. Both my DP and I feel the same - we love each other and are together sharing our lives because we want to not because we’ve got a piece of paper telling us we should.

PlanDeRaccordement · 27/10/2020 21:00

YANBU
Marriage is a life commitment to each other and if a man/woman isn’t willing to commit to that, to not even try and give it their best, then they don’t love you enough. You’ll just be the one they love until someone better comes along. This only applies to couples where both do believe in marriage as an institution. For couples where both do not believe in marriage, it makes no difference.

Sophoa · 27/10/2020 21:00

I’ve been married and have no intention of marrying again. I am financially independent, I love living with my kids, I will never blend families but I’ve met a man I absolutely adore more than I ever imagined possible but I won’t marry him

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/10/2020 21:06

Why doesn’t this particular man want to get married?

Orcus · 27/10/2020 21:09

No, not necessarily. What you are doing is taking the undeniable fact that some men will string along a woman who they don't happen to love that much until someone comes along who they do want to marry, and extrapolating that to the whole population.

emma6776 · 27/10/2020 21:12

I’ve never wanted to get married. DP does but respects me enough not to ask.

Original poster
MacbookHo · 27/10/2020 21:17

These responses are so interesting! So many different ways of looking at this.

OP posts:
namechangeforfriday · 27/10/2020 21:21

No. I’m a woman and I never want to marry precisely because I DON’T want the financial and legal aspects of it - I want to remain financially independent. I assume some men feel the same. I can’t see my general stance on marriage - which I also think is a patriarchal hangover - changing no matter how much I love someone.

MadCatLady71 · 27/10/2020 21:27

Neither myself nor my DP ever had the slightest interest in getting married. We’ve been together nearly 25 years now, weathered our fair share of storms, and seen many of our friends who did marry, divorce. Marriage matters a lot to some people, and not one jot to others.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 27/10/2020 21:31

Not necessarily. I'm female, been married and I never want to do it again. I don't like the idea. After going through a divorce, marriage now seems too much hassle.

Greydove28 · 27/10/2020 21:33

I think yanbu. They will put a ring on it

Blueberries0112 · 27/10/2020 21:39

Love her? Yes. Marry her , it’s depends. He may not trust her to keep a commitment

Waveysnail · 27/10/2020 21:43

Depends on their upbringing, baggage/life experiences, personal philosophy. Dh was rasied in environment where everyone married. He wanted to get married pretty early on. I had cold feet but came round.

NataliaOsipova · 27/10/2020 21:48

I think it’s slightly more complicated than that, although I basically agree.

In general (appreciate this doesn’t apply to everyone), I think men are less bothered about marriage than women. But I do think if a man really loves a woman who wants to get married, then he will want to marry her.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 27/10/2020 21:52

No. She may already be married, he might have too much to lose financially and love doesn’t mean people don’t get divorced and take assets, he may simply not believe in marriage etc.

Better to remain true to ones own theory over marriage than be talked into it or give in as an ultimatum was issued.

Guineapigbridge · 27/10/2020 22:38

Yes, a man who loves a woman deeply will want to marry her. A man who'll have happily have a child with a woman but who'll find excuses not to marry her is a weak man, in my view. Weak because he's avoiding having a difficult conversation (and that includes a difficult conversation with his own conscience).