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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think that when a man really loves a woman, he wants to marry her?

149 replies

MacbookHo · 27/10/2020 20:07

Am I?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 27/10/2020 22:56

I would not have had children with a man without the protection and commitment of marriage but if something happened to my husband I doubt I'd remarry, partly a protecting my assets thing and partly not wanting the faff

I agree with this.

I also think that where a man has had a very bad experience of marriage, either his own or seeing his parents bad marriage, he could be against marriage, even if he loves a woman.

AstonTash · 27/10/2020 23:08

Why would I want to? It wouldn’t protect me at all because I’m the bread winner, the property is in my name and, much as I love dp, I’m not an idiot.

Solina · 27/10/2020 23:08

There are so many reasons why people may wish to not marry and it is not all to do with how much you love someone.
It is like saying all women want a fairytale princess wedding. Equally not true.

ChanklyBore · 27/10/2020 23:11

That is bollocks OP, to be blunt.

Sexist bollocks to boot.

I’m a woman and don’t want to be married, never have wanted this with any partner, including the father of my children and partner of decades who would marry me in a heartbeat.

Guineapigbridge · 27/10/2020 23:16

Why would I want to? It wouldn’t protect me at all because I’m the bread winner, the property is in my name and, much as I love dp, I’m not an idiot.
Because it's not about you when you're forming a family.

AstonTash · 27/10/2020 23:16

I should gave added, I’m a woman. Dp would marry in a heartbeat but knows I never want to.

My parents marriage was awful, that may also factor in to it.

We have dc together. And though dp is my best friend and sometimes I get the pang of wanting to be able to say ‘husband’ it just doesn’t make sense.

Long term loving relationships break up. All the time, and for a million reasons. It would be a hell of a lot easier facing that with financial security, all my assets and no messy Iegal stuff to deal with.

raspberryk · 27/10/2020 23:18

Don’t get what the fuss is about, marriage isn’t about love IMO, not really.
I must be a weak woman as I’d more happily have a child and mortgage with dp than marry him. Fairly certain ld never get married again, not that I wanted to the first time but I was convinced that I needed to do it to prove my love for my exh Grin

AstonTash · 27/10/2020 23:20

Because it's not about you when you're forming a family.

Who is it about? The dc?

As a marriage would have no bearing on whether dp and I stay in a relationship, how on Earth would it benefit them?

And if the hopefully unlikely but not impossible happens? I think the dc would prefer to not have to sell their family home or move out, or deal with parents locked in to a legal wrangle.

BuffayTheVampireLayer · 27/10/2020 23:25

I think it's fairly accurate. That's why you hear so many stories of 'commitment phobic' men who wouldn't marry someone as they didn't believe in it/had no interest yet married their next partner. Had nothing to do with not believing in it but all to do with the person they were with at the time.

weemacmum · 27/10/2020 23:25

If he's truely not to be swayed...yabu.

CounsellorTroi · 27/10/2020 23:32

@grenlei

I think there are plenty of people who get married who don't really love each other. Probably why the divorce rate is so high Smile
The same must be true of cohabiting couples, since the rate of break up of cohabiting couples is much higher than the divorce rate.
ohhwoooooooooooooo · 27/10/2020 23:36

Yep

And no I'm not married. I did get a proposal after 12 years, so he's not rushing. Tbh not wanting to get married has certainly made me love him less. It's a rejection due to nothing happening. I was quite annoyed he proposed, because it's hard to say no as we have kids, but I know he'll never actually marry me. And he didn't get me a ring, I'm. Not materialistic but it's not really a proper proposal without and no I didn't nag for it I just wouldn't.

And before anyone starts yes we have mirror wills, yes yes and yes all
covered, own our property jointly Blah Blah, life insurance.--

TheHighestSardine · 27/10/2020 23:54

25 years together, neither ever married. We're not religious and don't want to be contractually obligated to each other. There are no upsides.

YoureRight · 28/10/2020 00:17

Not bothering to post any actual thoughts, OP?? Are you a journalist?

LonelyFromCorona · 28/10/2020 01:11

Marriage is a social construct and is not dependent on feelings.

CayrolBaaaskin · 28/10/2020 01:16

No I don’t think so. I’m a woman but I don’t see me ever getting married regardless of how much I love someone.

Terrace58 · 28/10/2020 01:22

I think that if you have found the right person, making a serious long-term commitment to that person will be the natural and obvious choice. For most that commitment is marriage, though some might prefer a different legal setup.

Deciding to get married (or commit in whatever way is meaningful to you) shouldn’t be difficult. If it is, you have the wrong partner.

blueshoes · 28/10/2020 01:25

Yes

TerribleLizard · 28/10/2020 07:09

I’m not fussed about marriage. I’m not against it, and we may get married (or more likely have a civil partnership) at some point to just tie everything up legally. But we already have children, a mortgage, will, and pension stuff etc sorted.

As a symbol of commitment I don’t see it as any more important that just honestly saying you want to commit to each other, and want to stay together. My parents divorced when I was little, and I don’t really remember them as a married couple, so maybe that has something to do with it as marriage didn’t really feature in my life.

We’ve talked about this quite a bit recently, as a few people we know are struggling with the fact that one partner doesn’t want marriage and the other does, and is working out what that means for them as a couple. Perhaps we are unusual in that neither of us is bothered but would have happily got married if it had been important to the other.

If marriage is important to you, it’s valid to want that, and I think it’s probably the majority view.

flaviaritt · 28/10/2020 08:01

Yes.

Orcus · 28/10/2020 08:02

@ChanklyBore

That is bollocks OP, to be blunt.

Sexist bollocks to boot.

I’m a woman and don’t want to be married, never have wanted this with any partner, including the father of my children and partner of decades who would marry me in a heartbeat.

Your situation is one that bears out the OPs point though, surely? I don't actually agree with what they're saying, but what you have in your setup is a man, your partner, who loves a woman, you, and who would like to marry her. The only reason for the lack of marriage here is the woman's preference.
yetanothernamitynamechange · 28/10/2020 08:04

I think this is true for a lot of men, probably more than women actually. Lots of women on the thread are saying they wouldn't marry, although their partner would in a heartbeat if they were happy too. I think (putting aside the financial protection when having children/shared assets) marriage actually benefits men more in terms of health and happiness overall - statistically at least. Also, although lots of men are feminist, marriage doesn't have the complicated issues it can for SOME (not all) women. So a woman might feel conflicted about the whole patriarchy, being given away etc etc aspect of this. While men might also agree it is outdated etc, it would be wierd for them to not want to marry for this reason if their partner did.
So - I think its much more common for women to love someone but not want to marry because they never want to get married (and then they never do). With men its less common (and much more common for them to say they don't want marriage, and then within 6 months of breaking up with their partner of 10 years to be engaged to someone else). Of course there are exceptions.

All of which is a really long way of saying YANBU.

Kpo58 · 28/10/2020 08:14

I think marriage is essential if you are thinking about going part time or be a SAHP. Otherwise you might as well say "I'm willing for me and any potential children to become destitute and homeless if anything happens to my partner be it through death or them leaving me".

Kamt · 28/10/2020 08:24

Depends on a whole host of things.

Im likely to propose next year because get married is meaningful to my partner.

Its not very meaningful for me, we have a joint bank account, are both on the mortgage (dont have kids so there isnt that SAHM protection needed). Legally it wouldnt change much.

A weird part of me would like to be able to refer to her (and she refer to me) as wife because it feels more adult than the alternatives. I guess as part of the queer community theres a part of me that wants to get married just because its so hard fought for. Thats the only mild benefit for me.

i hate the idea of planning a "big"
wedding and know thats what my wife would prefer so thats an added complication. A legal ceremony where we went to the registry office would suit me fine, but it also feels like by proposing then will opening up a whole can of worms about a big event.

I dont mind marriage, just dont want a wedding!

ZaraW · 28/10/2020 08:26

YABVU. It works both ways. I've never wanted to get married.