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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think that when a man really loves a woman, he wants to marry her?

149 replies

MacbookHo · 27/10/2020 20:07

Am I?

OP posts:
AmandaHugenkiss · 28/10/2020 12:50

Should say, you can nominate your next of kin it isn’t automatically your parents etc if you are unmarried. DP and I carry NOK cards. He’s the named beneficiary of my work pension, he gets my share of the house if I die, our wills leave everything to the other partner, and we both have Lasting Power of Attorney for the other. I’m not sure what difference being married would make to us to be honest.

toconclude · 28/10/2020 12:51

@OneRingToRuleThemAll

I think when a man wants to get married he doesn't wait around. DH proposed after 18 months and we were married before 3 years. He knew he wanted marriage and made it happen.
Hmm. Colleague of mine lived with her oh 5 years before he even asked
S00LA · 28/10/2020 13:08

Many people wish to live together without any legal ties, they want to be free to walk away if they feel like it.

Some people wish to protect their financial assets and keep them separate.

Some people wish to protect their own financial assets while wanting their partner to sacrifice their income, career and earning prospects and pensions to provide unpaid domestic labour for them and raise their children. However They want to have no legal ties or commitment to that person.

Some people want a flatmate who will help pay off their mortgage and provide free sex , do wifework and do their share of the housework and . However they want no legal ties.

I think the first two are fine and the second two are exploitation and immoral. If you love someone you don’t want to exploit them and rip them off.

garlictwist · 28/10/2020 13:15

I've been with OH for ten years and no intention to marry. We'll marry if it makes business/financial sense but at the moment with the arrangements we have in place and no kids etc it just wouldn't make any difference so we're both not bothered.

Joeytribbianiz · 28/10/2020 13:20

I think a lot of people just don't want a wedding to be honest! If it was more socially acceptable/wouldn't upset anyone I think a lot of people would have a quiet registry office wedding just the two of them.

I'm of the opinion that you can be completely committed without being married. There are some people who don't see it that way. I think it's become very much a personal choice these days.

Spannwr1971 · 28/10/2020 13:35

Marriage is just a piece of paper.

My marriage is not just a piece of paper. We made vows, we keep them. I will keep them until I die, through good and bad.

Original poster
MacbookHo · 28/10/2020 13:45

@IfNotNow12

Yanbu. Men are generally very romantic. They won't marry a woman unless they really think she's The One. Live with, yes, have kids with, maybe, but marry? Not usually. Whereas I think a woman can truly commit in her heart without wanting to marry I think a man is always slightly holding out for someone better if he refuses to marry his long term partner. I never used to think this, but then when I was younger I thought men and women were basically the same...
This is exactly how I feel about it! I started this thread to see if anyone shared this view, or if I needed to update my beliefs. 😊 .
OP posts:
Holyrivolli · 28/10/2020 13:54

@Spannwr1971

Marriage is just a piece of paper.

My marriage is not just a piece of paper. We made vows, we keep them. I will keep them until I die, through good and bad.

Good for you Spannwr. You’ve won the Married until you die badge and are determined to see that through even though you have no idea what the future holds. This obviously feel this makes you a better person than the 40% of people who end up divorced.

You do realise that there are two people in your relationship and your dh has just as much say.

FurierTransform · 28/10/2020 13:58

It's a completely legitimate position to not want to engage In marriage and all the connotations/expectations//baggage that comes with it.

Bluesheep8 · 28/10/2020 14:16

I think a lot of people just don't want a wedding to be honest!

This is me! DP and I have been together for 24 years. He would get married if I wanted to but I don't want a wedding.
Although I'm considering doing it just the two of us and telling people afterwards but it just never seems to be that important....

Bluesheep8 · 28/10/2020 14:18

My marriage is not just a piece of paper. We made vows, we keep them. I will keep them until I die, through good and bad.

I'm sure most people marry with this intention. Life can and does happen around them though.....

thepeopleversuswork · 28/10/2020 14:24

I don't think its automatically the case that any man who loves a woman will want to marry her. Some people never want to be married to anyone ever. I am very happy with my current boyfriend but I can't imagine every wanting to marry him.

I do think if the man knows marriage is important to the woman and he is resisting it or putting it off then he needs to decide either to make a go of it or leave. But that's not quite the same thing.

MustardMitt · 28/10/2020 14:28

I got married because it was important to (now) husband. In hindsight it was probably a good idea from a legal standpoint - but it’s not important to me, and I suspect many men and women feel the same.

Mammylamb · 28/10/2020 14:43

From a practical point of view, I think it makes sense to be married For the legal protections, especially If you have kids.

Saying that, if we ever divorced or DH passed away, I would not marry again. I would possibly have future relationships, but not marry, as I want to protect my sons inheritance.

I knew that I wanted marriage, and told DH this early on. He thought it was just a bit of paper, but, as it was so important to me, he asked me to marry him.

I see so many women have children with men who dangle marriage like a carrot, and honestly, I find it really sickening

MilerVino · 28/10/2020 14:44

Yes! Although there are many who will make excuses to avoid this truth.

Well that's a convenient way to avoid listening to anything outside your experience. Do you always just assume that you know the truth and anything to the contrary is an excuse.

As a woman, I don't want marriage. I hate its ties to the patriarchy and Christianity. I'm confident that my partner will stay with me whilst he loves me, and that if that love fades and our relationship no longer works, we'll split. We both just see marriage as outmoded and outdated. Given that we have a combined age of 100 I don't see either one of us suddenly saying 'oh actually, changed my mind, want to marry'.

The only reason I would marry is to sort out legal niceties. I love my partner, he loves me. I don't need something that is part of so many structures I dislike, at best, to convince me otherwise.

NameChange84 · 28/10/2020 14:48

My ex swore he’d never marry.

I told him that he would when he met the right person.

He told me he had met the right person. Definitely. It wasn’t that that was the issue. It was marriage. Marriage was awful, suffocating, toxic etc.

I knew in my heart it must be that I wasn’t enough for him no matter how he protested. When he then announced he felt even worse about children I knew, no matter how much I loved him (and I did adore him and wanted him for the rest of my life), I couldn’t give up my chance of motherhood for him. He wanted things to remain as they were, no marriage, no kids.

I ended it.

He’s now married and I’m not.

So I was right. He didn’t love me enough.

NameChange84 · 28/10/2020 14:50

I should add I’m religious and from a conservative Asian background so cohabitation could never be an option for me, and he knew that. I also believe in marriage personally and definitely don’t see it as just a piece of paper.

79andnotout · 28/10/2020 15:09

We've been together ten years, don't have kids and can see no point in marriage. We both have sufficient earning power to set up home on our own should we split, and if one of us fell in love with someone else I'd rather it was a straightforward split where we're likely to remain friends, not an acrimonious divorce (both of us are children of badly divorced parents). Our will covers most of the legal stuff marriage is useful for.

I find it odd someone can predict how they're going to feel for the rest of their lives in their 20's or whatever age it is most people get married. I'm in my 40s and so many of my friends are already divorced.

Junjulaug · 28/10/2020 15:22

I agree OP. But I think it takes a lot more for most men to commit than most Women. I’ve dated 2 guys in the past who both told me they weren’t ready for commitment......and both were married within a year of us splitting. What they meant was that they weren’t ready for commitment with me - -and were waiting for someone better to come along- -

RoyalChocolat · 28/10/2020 15:30

I am married to DH. A few months ago he told the dcs (in front of me) that he has "never been in love".

Brainwave89 · 28/10/2020 15:52

I would be really wary of over focusing on marriage as an aim in itself. For me marriage is something you might do at a certain point in a relationship, but the focus has to be the relationship. I know a number of women who have focused on the perfect wedding which they have planned for maybe two years. The marriage has then lasted a shorter time than the planning! Relationships come in all shapes and sizes. If marriage is right for you, go for it, but if it isn't no big deal.

yetanothernamitynamechange · 28/10/2020 16:04

@IfNotNow12

Yanbu. Men are generally very romantic. They won't marry a woman unless they really think she's The One. Live with, yes, have kids with, maybe, but marry? Not usually. Whereas I think a woman can truly commit in her heart without wanting to marry I think a man is always slightly holding out for someone better if he refuses to marry his long term partner. I never used to think this, but then when I was younger I thought men and women were basically the same...
Agree soo much with this!!! There's a part of me which thinks I still SHOULD think of men and women as the same, but I don't - I dont know if its nature or nurture or both but I think a lot of issues are caused by men and women judging each other by their own standards/assuming their partner will act the way they would if that makes. I am probably a tiny bit jaded though.
Lucindainthesky · 28/10/2020 16:05

Not necessarily. A couple could be anti marriage but love each other very much.

However if she wants to be married and he really loves her, he would.

yetanothernamitynamechange · 28/10/2020 16:06

I do also think that men will marry someone who isn't "The One" - if after 7 years of keeping half an eye out for something better they decide that the person they are with will do.

Original poster
MacbookHo · 28/10/2020 16:07

I am married to DH. A few months ago he told the dcs (in front of me) that he has "never been in love".

😮

OP posts: