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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think that when a man really loves a woman, he wants to marry her?

149 replies

MacbookHo · 27/10/2020 20:07

Am I?

OP posts:
Holyrivolli · 28/10/2020 10:05

This whole question is underlaid with the assumption that marriage is a prize that women should want and that the partner should bestow on his chosen love. That’s utter patrichial bullshit wrapped up in decades of women not be able/ allowed to be independent beings.

The smugness of some posters saying “he really loved me so married me” with the underlying insinuation that if you’re not married then it’s not love or commitment is naive, sexist and deeply old fashioned.

willitbetonight · 28/10/2020 10:11

If it's important to you then yes I agree. And I think trumps the "it doesn't matter" argument. Plenty of people get married not for love though.

Nonotthisagain · 28/10/2020 10:12

I love my DP more than I've ever loved any other man. He feels the same. What we feel doesn't even come close to anything in the past.

I've been married before and have no intention of ever marrying again. He's never been married and has no desire to be. We both have children from previous relationships and won't be having more more. Marriage isn't for us.

user1497510803 · 28/10/2020 10:14

I was married before , and it ended in divorce. I've been with my dp now for over 15 years and we are not married . Probably around 10 years ago , I proposed on Leap day on a whim and he laughed at me . I understandably got a bit miffed off at that and asked why not , he replied, no need blah blah . Since then I'll admit I've been a bit ambivalent to the thought of marriage.
However these days it's him thinking we should just do it , purely for the getting it done and out of the way . I tell him I'm still thinking about it !

Florencex · 28/10/2020 10:15

If you had said if a person really loves another they would want to marry them, then I would deep down agree with you. But I am uncomfortable with the way you did phrase the questions

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 28/10/2020 10:17

I love a few men but I don't want to marry any of them.

I'd like to think that some of them love me too but ..... they definitely don't want to marry me. Or at least I hope they don't.

HepLaurenceLB · 28/10/2020 10:19

@Lovemusic33 marriage is not just a piece of paper. It gives legal and financial obligations/protection, it determines next of kin, end of life decisions, even the ability to cancel your partners mobile phone when they die.
I am always astounded by unmarried women in long term relationships with kids who do not realise how little say they have if something happened to their partner. No more legal rights than a casual girlfriend.

JollyAndBright · 28/10/2020 10:25

Marriage is a financial and legal contract,
It has no bearing on how much love there is in a relationship.

I love DP with every fibre of my being and have done for 15 years.... I still have no interest in marrying him.

Holyrivolli · 28/10/2020 10:30

@HepLaurenceLB. It’s a contract and many women don’t want or need the associated legal and financial obligations which is involves. The common assumption on Mumsnet is that women benefit from marriage so it is a gift from the man to the woman. This is only the case if they are weaker financially which thankfully increasing numbers of women aren’t.

And that is utter crap about only married partners being able to cancel a mobile phone contract. Anyone with a death certificate can.

soffiee · 28/10/2020 10:49

I respect people's choices but for me, it had to be marriage. I dated a lot and discarded anyone who was cold with the idea. I wanted to be married and then have kids and not be stuck in relationships where maybe the man would warm to the idea few years down the line until my biological clock started slowing down or having kids would maybe change his mind. I'm a traditional person and married a traditional man in the end. Marriage to me is commitment. A commitment in society, a commitment that it's serious. There were so many men that would cling on but secretly hope that something better would walk through the doors.

I have a cousin who was with a man for a 12 years and she later got used to the idea of not marrying and having kids but then they split (she was 40 and no child) and he met a new partner and he married in a year. So what happened to a guy who was so against marriage and kids? He just wasted 12 years of my cousins life. Of course family used to say "he's just not that into you" but she never listened and regrets the whole relationship. Marriage to most men make a difference when it comes to who they are in a relationship and if they are in their 30's and haven't committed within 2-4 years, then they'll never commit and wait for the next best thing and discard you.

soffiee · 28/10/2020 10:52

Of course marriage doesn't give that security because you can divorce and if there's cheating (next best thing) at least you have your rights. Yes it is a contract but also a contract that shows how committed they are in the first place.

CorianderLord · 28/10/2020 10:53

Depends, if he's a person who believes in marriage and wants to be married at some point then yes.

If he doesn't believe in marriage or has been badly burnt in the past then he can live without marriage.

CatherinedeBourgh · 28/10/2020 10:54

I’ been married for decades. Dh wanted to get married, I didn’t care, so did it for him. I didn’t want to, as such.

Obviously I loved him or I wouldn’t still be happily married, but if he hadn’t wanted to get married so badly we might never have done.

My parents had many divorces between them, so I just never viewed the actual marriage as significant, it was the commitment between us that mattered, and that didn’t need a wedding.

Noitjustwontdo · 28/10/2020 10:55

Hence why half of marriages in the UK end in divorce.

unmarkedbythat · 28/10/2020 10:56

Yabu, I think. Some people are genuinely anti marriage. I have a male friend who is a really nice and decent man but is against marriage. He's pro civil partnerships though.

Mylittlepony374 · 28/10/2020 10:57

I love my husband. Never wanted to marry him. I did for immigration purposes really- so we can easily live in either of our home countries. I know he wouldn't have suggested marriage either, if not for this reason.

KarmaStar · 28/10/2020 11:13

Or a woman who loves a woman or who loves a man.or a man who loves a man.or a non identification person loves another...☺💗💗💗

choli · 28/10/2020 12:00

I think it's sad that so many people still want a proposal of marriage rather than an adult rational discussion about marriage.

Orcus · 28/10/2020 12:14

@Noitjustwontdo

Hence why half of marriages in the UK end in divorce.
Closer to 4 out of 10.
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/10/2020 12:29

@choli

I think it's sad that so many people still want a proposal of marriage rather than an adult rational discussion about marriage.
I agree. For many, that doesn’t lend itself to SM posts though so they want the photo opportunity etc.
AmandaHugenkiss · 28/10/2020 12:36

@trixiebelden77

I think there’s a small number of people who don’t ‘believe in’ marriage as a concept.

There’s a much bigger number of people who don’t ‘believe in’ it until they meet the person they want to marry.

The key is to work out which group you or your partner falls into.

This with bells on.

I had an ex who “didn’t believe in marriage” and then promptly got hitched to his next GF.

IfNotNow12 · 28/10/2020 12:44

Yanbu. Men are generally very romantic. They won't marry a woman unless they really think she's The One. Live with, yes, have kids with, maybe, but marry? Not usually.
Whereas I think a woman can truly commit in her heart without wanting to marry I think a man is always slightly holding out for someone better if he refuses to marry his long term partner.
I never used to think this, but then when I was younger I thought men and women were basically the same...

HepLaurenceLB · 28/10/2020 12:44

Or this www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-7334313/amp/I-never-felt-marriage-important-day-Paolo-died.html

She couldn’t even register her partners death.

VeniceQueen2004 · 28/10/2020 12:48

My DP would get married if I wanted to, but he's not fussed about it. I am categorically against it, he accepts that without assuming it means I don't love him. I call that love!