I've hurt my friend's feelings?

[LittleMermaidRose]

I have an extremely needy friend that I've posted about before, I'll call her "Christy", who do I still keep in contact with but I have distanced myself from her a lot, as she has become increasingly selfish and emotionally draining. I have always supported her through everything but she hasn't been there for me when I needed her.

"Christy" has just told me that I have hurt her feelings deeply and made her feel like I don't care about her - this because I went out for coffee last week with another friend, "Marie".

What she doesn't know, is that this coffee date wasn't planned. "Marie" actually surprised me after work, as I had mentioned to her that I'd been having a hard time recently.
Apart from "Marie", I haven't really seen any other friends lately (lockdown).

Have I been insensitive here and do I owe her an apology or an explanation? I honestly don't think that I do, but perhaps I'm being bitchy?
"Christy" hasn't bothered to ask me out to lunch or anything or ask how I am so it's not as though I've been blowing her off.

You haven't done anything wrong at all! Don't apologise.

Sorry, I feel like this sounds so petty after writing it down, but I'm so taken aback at what she said.

Of course you don’t owe her an apology!

You don’t owe her either, and tbh I think the most I’d be saying is that I’m allowed other friends and I’m allowed to do stuff with them without her permission or knowledge.

No you don't owe her an explanation nor a reply. She sounds unhealthily possessive of you.

Unless you stood Christy up to go for Coffee with Marie then no you don’t need to apologise.

Make that distance permanent. She’s obviously in a bad way but it’s too much for you or any untrained person to take on. You can have a coffee with anyone you like, planned or unplanned. Life is too short to have people in your life who are vacuums. Surround yourself with radiators! I like Marie. Keep her around.

Ask her how she would feel if you felt she needed to ask your permission before seeing any other friends. Bonkers.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Make that distance permanent. She’s obviously in a bad way but it’s too much for you or any untrained person to take on. You can have a coffee with anyone you like, planned or unplanned. Life is too short to have people in your life who are vacuums. Surround yourself with radiators! I like Marie. Keep her around.

This.

Christy is very controlling and it is not your job to fix her.

What you do in your life is none of her business.

Tell her that her remarks are deeply inappropriate and that you need space from her.

Controlling people just get worse, not better.

Do not in any way entertain her.

You don't need to apologise. She should for making you feel you can't have other friends. Bye Christy in the bin you go.

I don’t think you owe her an apology, I would just say ‘hey it was a spur of the moment thing’ if she starts going on about inviting her, I’d be a bit stronger and say that you don’t have to run anything past her.
It all sounds a bit suffocating to be honest.

I read your previous post about this friend, OP. Maybe this is your opportunity to let her go. She sounds as though she has been very selfish in what looks like a one-sided 'friendship'. She seems to want you as a support, available to her at all times, rather than a person with your own problems/connections.

Time to ditch this one I think..!

Also to add - you are allowed to go out with other friends, whether planned or not! It is shocking she would tell you it hurt her feelings that you did this. Why on earth should you not be able to?

I wouldn’t offer her any explanation or justification, otherwise she’ll see it as you feeling guilty, which you don’t need to.

I would just back off from her, stop replying to her emails and messages, essentially I would ghost her, even though as a general rule I’m not in favour of it. But there’s not going to be any other way to extract yourself from this woman without drama so I’d just ignore her from now on.

You absolutely don’t owe her an apology. Even if the coffee had been planned you wouldn’t owe her an apology - you’re allowed to make plans with whoever you like, whenever you like.

I would probably ghost Christmas. But I would write out a completely bitchy reply about how I haven't had any invites or support of her ever. Then delete it and ghost. (I don't like to leave evidence of bitchyness around or to burn bridges).

☆Christy

Sounds a one sided friendship with a very needy woman. I’d be slowing the friendship down at the very least from now on.

Ask yourself why you have allowed this one-sided 'friendship' to continue to this point, where Christy considers you a kind of depersonalised emotional prop or employee whose time she has a monopoly on.

This sounds exhausting. I'd increase the distance!

" "Christy" has just told me that I have hurt her feelings deeply and made her feel like I don't care about her - this because I went out for coffee last week with another friend, "Marie"."

I haven't read your previous posts, but it seems to me the best thing here would be to take the opportunity to distance yourself further. Much further. Her problems are not your responsibility, and you should NOT take them on. In particular, I might be inclined to point out to her that I can't 'make' her feel anything , she does that all by herself.

I might also consider point blank telling her that she is not the boss of me and I have other friends - friends who don't try to make me feel guilty for having other friends - and that that is NOT going to change.

OP, is this the friend you wrote about in September? Or the one you wrote about last year who lives five hours away?

Because tbh having a quick look at your posting history it does seem as if you attract these kinds of people who are needy, clingy, depressed with the need to talk about only themselves.

As well as dumping them, perhaps you also need to look at why all these people see you as an easy friend and why you find it so difficult to step away from them.

Just one question. Has Christy made any attempt to extend the kind of support that Marie has shown you, in the hard times you've been going through?

I had a friend just like this. Eventually she distanced herself from me, as I wasn't meeting her perceived needs, but I can't say I was really disappointed. I think you can quite reasonably say to Christy that you don't care for guilt trips, that it takes two to maintain a friendship and she is BVU if she expects you not to see anybody else. She will probably back off after that, but stay strong and don't apologise or try to win her back. If she will accept you on your own terms that's great, if not, it's no great loss.