I've hurt my friend's feelings?

[LittleMermaidRose]

I have an extremely needy friend that I've posted about before, I'll call her "Christy", who do I still keep in contact with but I have distanced myself from her a lot, as she has become increasingly selfish and emotionally draining. I have always supported her through everything but she hasn't been there for me when I needed her.

"Christy" has just told me that I have hurt her feelings deeply and made her feel like I don't care about her - this because I went out for coffee last week with another friend, "Marie".

What she doesn't know, is that this coffee date wasn't planned. "Marie" actually surprised me after work, as I had mentioned to her that I'd been having a hard time recently.
Apart from "Marie", I haven't really seen any other friends lately (lockdown).

Have I been insensitive here and do I owe her an apology or an explanation? I honestly don't think that I do, but perhaps I'm being bitchy?
"Christy" hasn't bothered to ask me out to lunch or anything or ask how I am so it's not as though I've been blowing her off.

She's not your girlfriend, you can see who you want. What she is is controlling. You sound like a very nice person, which she is totally taking advantage of. Does she not go for coffee with other people? Or are you the only person who puts up with her? It's good she found out about the coffee, this is your opportunity to tell her she doesn't own you.

She's acting like a child.
You do not owe her an apology.
You are not her property.

I understand OP, I have attracted friends like this in the past and I understand you don't want to hurt their feelings. But she doesn't care about your feelings does she? Don't give her all the power, as previous posters have said she doesn't own you. I'm willing to bet if you bring it up with her, she may back away completely.

She is smothering you with control. Ltb.
Sorry but this is very unhealthy.

Don't apologise or explain! She souds like hard work! If probably pretend to misunderstand and text back something like 'Haha stop winding me up, you plonker 😂'. She might realise she's being silly, or if she persists I would then be serious and explain that she doesn't have the monopoly on you time and friendships, and that perhaps the friendship feeling too intense and you could both benefit from a little break. Wish her well. Get in touch at a later date but hold clearer boundaries from the start, or don't.

You really shouldn’t make excuses or say Marie surprised you. Are you suggesting you wouldn’t have wanted to see Marie if she’d asked you in advance? I’m sure you would have so don’t make it sound like she somehow put you on the spot against your will as that’s patronising and lying to Christie and mean to Marie.

If you really don't want to stop seeing her altogether then just be really honest. "That's a shame you feel like that, as I do see other friends sometimes. Perhaps we could meet up in the next few weeks if you want to catch up".
Sometimes though, friendships and relationships do just run their course.

Have I been insensitive here and do I owe her an apology or an explanation? I honestly don't think that I do, but perhaps I'm being bitchy

If you think that you owe a friend an apology for having coffee with another friend, examine your boundaries.

Christy is trying to control you.

The fact that you’re having to ask shows that you’re codependent and desperately avoiding your own issues by making yourself subservient to others in this way.

Detach from her. Time for self reflection OP.

Thanks everyone.
The more I think about it and read these replies, the more I'm actually quite creeped out by her behaviour.

She’s very lucky you haven’t ditched her completely with this emotional blackmail bullshit.

Do not apologise and try and put some clear boundaries in place with her if you want to maintain the friendship. You need to make it clear to her that although you value her friendship you know you have done nothing wrong and she must realise that it’s ok for you to have other friendships.

It’s ok to step away from this friendship too though if it’s draining you and you aren’t benefitting at all. That’s not friendship, that’s abuse.

Please don't apologise or explain. Tell her that her remarks are inappropriate.

@Branleuse

Id text back " im sorry you feel that way, but it was nice to be surprised with a coffee after id been feeling so rubbish and I cant apologise for that"

This sounds a good response. You dont need to apologise and deserve a caring friend too.

She's being very controlling.

How did she find out about the coffee ?

“I have been having a really crappy time recently. Marie knew that and decided to surprise me and have a coffee with me to cheer me up. It was really kind of her. I am sorry you feel hurt by that but you surely must recognise that I have done absolutely nothing wrong in this scenario and therefore have nothing to apologise for”

Frankly, I’d look on this as an excellent excuse to ditch the loon!

Either start towing the line putting boundaries in place with her. She might kick back and insist she is hurt, if she is emotionally manipulative forget the boundaries and dump her.
Friendship is a two way agreement.

"Marie" had posted a picture of us together and tagged me in it, so that's how she knew.
"Marie" and "Christy" do know each other through me, but they're not friends so don't speak to each other or anything, so it's not as though "Christy" would be feeling left out.

I sent her a text earlier telling her that I'm allowed to see my friends whenever I want, and asked why she felt I couldn't. I told her how hurt I was that she's never been there for me even when I've asked for support. It was a long text with lots of feelings!
She replied asking why I needed support (I have told her numerous times). She's ignored the part about her behaviour. I suppose she thinks that I'll just let it slide. At this point I just don't feel like that's good enough.
I'm feeling a bit angry atm so I will refrain from contacting her for the moment!

Wow ‘Christy’ is batshit and selfish.
You’re grown ass adults fgs. You don’t need her permission or blessing to have other friends. Creepy & controlling on her part.

You need to end this friendship now.

The person you think you’re friends with stopped existing some time ago.

She's very invested in you being her support crutch, but isn't reciprocating

Is she 12! Some people begger belief

I haven't looked for your other thread, but I'd be very surprised if you got different advice to what you're going to get on this one.

She isn't going to change. She sees a benefit to her in insisting that people make her the centre of attention and dance to her tune. And it is a benefit - short term. Until people catch on to what she's doing and eventually get fed up and go NC or LC.

You haven't hurt her feelings. She's chosen to announce that she's hurt by you doing something which is entirely fair. It wouldn't have been fair to you to cancel Marie because you knew that Christy wouldn't like it. She wants you to grovel and apologise and assure her that she's still no.1 and you'll spend every minute of the next month/year only with her to make it up to her.

You are not her property. How you deal with this going forward is up to you. I sense that you don't want to cut her off completely because of the effect it will have on her.

But think about the effect it has on you. Do you need someone who will drain every ounce from you if you let them, and never gives anything back? She is no longer the friend she once was. IF she ever returns to being that person she'll get in touch and fall over herself apologising for her behaviour and maybe you can resurrect the friendship. But don't hold your breath.

@LittleMermaidRose

"Marie" had posted a picture of us together and tagged me in it, so that's how she knew. "Marie" and "Christy" do know each other through me, but they're not friends so don't speak to each other or anything, so it's not as though "Christy" would be feeling left out.

I sent her a text earlier telling her that I'm allowed to see my friends whenever I want, and asked why she felt I couldn't. I told her how hurt I was that she's never been there for me even when I've asked for support. It was a long text with lots of feelings!
She replied asking why I needed support (I have told her numerous times). She's ignored the part about her behaviour. I suppose she thinks that I'll just let it slide. At this point I just don't feel like that's good enough.
I'm feeling a bit angry atm so I will refrain from contacting her for the moment!

I think from past experience when two people know each other but aren't friends that's exactly when/how this sort of spat starts as Christy obviously feels you're not favouring her but are favouring Christy, going behind her back with Marie etc.

Also - I've also learned - friendships with 3 people - they rarely work - I've done it before and am doing it now - but a lot of the time, even with adults 1 person gets sidelined or feels slighted.

I do feel that Christy should grow the F up though - it's almost as though she likes the drama with the Facebook tagging and responding to that and you really shouldn't be trying to make excuses for her. It would be very different if you were deliberately ignoring her, Wendying or whatever it is, but you're not.

as FeedingtheBirds1 says - I'd be wary of someone having this amount of control over you. I had this a few years ago with someone who expected me to come to the other side of London to meet up with her, would spend ages coming to meet me, once did this to me in a bar - kept me waiting - she also talked to me really badly a lot too, eventually I cut her loose - there is only so much shit I will take for someone.

also - she's never been there for you when you've needed support - F that - even my friend mentioned in my last post was supportive and was there for me.