Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've hurt my friend's feelings?

129 replies

LittleMermaidRose · 27/10/2020 11:10

I have an extremely needy friend that I've posted about before, I'll call her "Christy", who do I still keep in contact with but I have distanced myself from her a lot, as she has become increasingly selfish and emotionally draining. I have always supported her through everything but she hasn't been there for me when I needed her.

"Christy" has just told me that I have hurt her feelings deeply and made her feel like I don't care about her - this because I went out for coffee last week with another friend, "Marie".

What she doesn't know, is that this coffee date wasn't planned. "Marie" actually surprised me after work, as I had mentioned to her that I'd been having a hard time recently.
Apart from "Marie", I haven't really seen any other friends lately (lockdown).

Have I been insensitive here and do I owe her an apology or an explanation? I honestly don't think that I do, but perhaps I'm being bitchy?
"Christy" hasn't bothered to ask me out to lunch or anything or ask how I am so it's not as though I've been blowing her off.

OP posts:
BrimfulOfBaba · 27/10/2020 16:42

I sent her a text earlier telling her that I'm allowed to see my friends whenever I want, and asked why she felt I couldn't. I told her how hurt I was that she's never been there for me even when I've asked for support. It was a long text with lots of feelings!

Good on you, OP. Don't let her brush aside or minimise your feelings on this. She is not entitled to all your time, effort or friendship.

Eckhart · 27/10/2020 17:03

I wouldn't contact her again, OP. Too much trouble.

If she contacts you, ask her again why she thinks it's ok to be upset with you for having a coffee with someone who wasn't her. Just keep asking. Eventually she'll go away, and that's for the best. She's not a friend to you.

billy1966 · 27/10/2020 18:10

You are not allowed to see other people.

You are not allowed to require support.

Could she be ANY clearer?

Why on earth would you continue being in contact with her? 🤷‍♀️

BlueThistles · 27/10/2020 18:15

I hope you feel better texting her OP, getting it off your chest. However I really would stop explaining yourself to this person now 🌺

Charles11 · 27/10/2020 18:29

You don’t owe her any explanations whatsoever. Don’t engage with her about this any more. You’ll find it just takes too much energy and won’t resolve anything.
Carry on doing what you want.

Arosadra · 27/10/2020 18:38

Have you been too busy to meet up with her and then met up with Marie?

Arosadra · 27/10/2020 18:40

Or maybe not been meeting up with people due to COVID and then she’s seen you tagged in a social pic?

That’s the only explanation that would make any sense.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 27/10/2020 18:41

She should be apologising to you, for implying you did something wrong by being taken out for coffee by someone else. And for trying to make out that her petty jealousy and insecurity is somehow anything to do with you.

Does she honestly think that any time someone goes out with a friend they should tell all their other friends and immediately do something with all their other friends to make it 'fair'!?

acatscauldron · 27/10/2020 19:02

I remember your other thread. Your friend isn't a friend anymore, she's just a leech. Be kind to yourself and just ignore her given that your latest message fell on deaf ears in its entirety.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 27/10/2020 19:09

Just landed on this thread after reading one about a bullying schoolgirl and the OPs daughter. The only difference in behaviours is the age between the people who are getting moody in the posts (because they cant have exclusive access with a female friend).
She doesn't own exclusive access to you and you don't owe her an explanation. Surely she has other friends she can have coffee with?

BlueThistles · 27/10/2020 20:07

Have you been too busy to meet up with her and then met up with Marie?

Marie surprised OP by waiting outside her work, for a socially distanced coffee... but regardless of that... OP is free to meet whomever she chooses and whenever ever she chooses Right 🤔

Original poster
LittleMermaidRose · 27/10/2020 21:51

Since her reply, I've had two more texts from her - both normal chit-chatty type texts like nothing's wrong.
I suppose she doesn't have a good explanation for what she said.
I've still not replied to her at all so I'm sure she'll be starting to panic now!

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMermaidRose · 27/10/2020 21:52

Since her reply, I've had two more texts from her - both normal chit-chatty type texts like nothing's wrong.
I suppose she doesn't have a good explanation for what she said.
I've still not replied to her at all so I'm sure she'll be starting to panic now!

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMermaidRose · 27/10/2020 21:52

Since her reply, I've had two more texts from her - both normal chit-chatty type texts like nothing's wrong.
I suppose she doesn't have a good explanation for what she said.
I've still not replied to her at all so I'm sure she'll be starting to panic now!

OP posts:
Eckhart · 27/10/2020 22:02

Ask her again why she was hurt by you going for coffee with someone. Put her on the spot.

Fruitpunch · 27/10/2020 22:13

@LittleMermaidRose

Since her reply, I've had two more texts from her - both normal chit-chatty type texts like nothing's wrong. I suppose she doesn't have a good explanation for what she said. I've still not replied to her at all so I'm sure she'll be starting to panic now!
Leave it several more days before replying. Start to wean yourself off her.
Ginfilledcats · 27/10/2020 22:37

I'd say "the fact you're having to ask why I need support just proves my point", and reiterate that you can have coffee or meet ups with friends without her without it being a slight against your friendship.
Leave it at that!

Seems overly clingy, presume there's back story on other threads x

BrimfulOfBaba · 27/10/2020 22:38

She is completely dismissing you and thinks she can reset you back to what she wants you to be. Shockingly selfish.

If I were you I would not contact her again unless she mentions your points.

Chloemol · 27/10/2020 22:44

Don’t apologise. You are entitled to meet whoever you want, whenever you want

Do you really want to stay in touch with Christy? Personally I wouldn’t and would take this opportunity to end the friendship

I would be just telling her that I can see who I wish, and that as this upsets her it’s best we end the friendship so she can focus on her other friends

billy1966 · 27/10/2020 22:51

@Chloemol

Don’t apologise. You are entitled to meet whoever you want, whenever you want

Do you really want to stay in touch with Christy? Personally I wouldn’t and would take this opportunity to end the friendship

I would be just telling her that I can see who I wish, and that as this upsets her it’s best we end the friendship so she can focus on her other friends

Great advice.

She has ignored your point.

Take the opportunity to block and delete.

seayork2020 · 27/10/2020 22:54

Move on! you have not done anything wrong and unless she is a child then she needs to grow up and learn that life does not revolve around her

Rainbowsparklesdust1921 · 27/10/2020 22:55

@LittleMermaidRose you've done nothing wrong. Don't apologise! It's not fair of your friend to make to try & make you feel guilty for seeing your other friends.

Arosadra · 27/10/2020 23:44

Marie surprised OP by waiting outside her work, for a socially distanced coffee... but regardless of that... OP is free to meet whomever she chooses and whenever ever she chooses Right 🤔

Course OP can meet with whoever she wants. But I’d be hurt if a friend didn’t have time for me and did have time for others, wouldn’t you?

I think I was thinking of a particular ex friend of mine who always seemed to treat me as second best to her other friends. Not saying that’s what the OP is doing, but if it’s a long ongoing thing then I can see why someone would be hurt, that’s all.

Arosadra · 27/10/2020 23:46

If Christy has turned up outside your work to surprise you, would you have seen it as lovely and supportive or intrusive and stalkerish? Would she have got the same welcome as Marie? If not, maybe she has picked up on that.
Either way, it doesn’t sound as though the friendship is working.

BlueThistles · 28/10/2020 00:46

But I’d be hurt if a friend didn’t have time for me and did have time for others, wouldn’t you?

did you even bother to read OP's original Post ?

I have an extremely needy friend that I've posted about before, I'll call her "Christy", who do I still keep in contact with but I have distanced myself from her a lot, as she has become increasingly selfish and emotionally draining. I have always supported her through everything but she hasn't been there for me when I needed her.

OP has been distancing herself from the over needy friend...

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.