I've hurt my friend's feelings?

[LittleMermaidRose]

I have an extremely needy friend that I've posted about before, I'll call her "Christy", who do I still keep in contact with but I have distanced myself from her a lot, as she has become increasingly selfish and emotionally draining. I have always supported her through everything but she hasn't been there for me when I needed her.

"Christy" has just told me that I have hurt her feelings deeply and made her feel like I don't care about her - this because I went out for coffee last week with another friend, "Marie".

What she doesn't know, is that this coffee date wasn't planned. "Marie" actually surprised me after work, as I had mentioned to her that I'd been having a hard time recently.
Apart from "Marie", I haven't really seen any other friends lately (lockdown).

Have I been insensitive here and do I owe her an apology or an explanation? I honestly don't think that I do, but perhaps I'm being bitchy?
"Christy" hasn't bothered to ask me out to lunch or anything or ask how I am so it's not as though I've been blowing her off.

She replied asking why I needed support (I have told her numerous times).

Christy pulled down the shutter over your needing support because in Christy's view of things, Rose is there for one reason only and that is to give Christy support. Christy is not interested in giving any support back. Christy doesn't recognise Rose as a person in her own right who, like everybody else from time to time, has shit to deal with and needs an ear and a shoulder from her friends. Therefore Christy feels justified in ignoring any indications that Rose could do with a bit of help and continuing to insist on Rose's entire attention.

Please don't let her off the hook this time, OP...

There seems to be a supposition that friendship in this scenario is a matter of intricate social obligation and providing 'support' in a way that doesn't seem to be bringing joy to anyone. What about reframing friendships as spending time with people whose company you enjoy, without all this dreary obligatory acting as an unpaid therapist? I mean, everyone requires occasional sympathy and support when going through a particularly hard time, but this sounds like permanent or at least longterm state, OP, and utterly joyless into the bargain.

The friendship is completely joyless atm. I think she only has me and one other friend left, as she's told me recently that she feels like she's losing all her friends. That's making it really hard for me to distance from her even further. I don't want to hurt her.

I'm going to question her again over her behaviour, I just need some extra time to figure out how to word it. I get the feeling that no matter what I say, she'll try to take it wrong way so that I end up looking like the bad guy.

If you were her employer and she said “poor me, I lose all my jobs because I turn up late, am rude to everyone and don’t do my fair share - PLEASE DON’T FIRE ME IT’S SO HARD FOR ME TO KEEP JOBS!” Would you feel duty bound to keep paying her?

Detach. If you get into deep convos with her about what she does and what you do and what you want from a friendship and what she wants from a friendship then - you’re just still feeding her.

I don't want to hurt her.

Her behaviour towards her friends is what is hurting her. And it's not your job to absorb that negativity.

It's a good idea to not let this go and ask her about it again. When I was in a similar position, the advice on this Instagram account really helped me. You have a limited amount of energy, it's best to think about who you'd like to spend it on.

I'm going to question her again over her behaviour, I just need some extra time to figure out how to word it. I get the feeling that no matter what I say, she'll try to take it wrong way so that I end up looking like the bad guy.

No offence OP, but she does not own you, she does not respect your boundaries, or you mental well being, she doesn't even care that you have been hurt by this bullshit.

Stop giving her this head space, and turn off her notifications, for a while.

You give her way too much space in your life.

Just block her!

@AtrociousCircumstance

If you were her employer and she said “poor me, I lose all my jobs because I turn up late, am rude to everyone and don’t do my fair share - PLEASE DON’T FIRE ME IT’S SO HARD FOR ME TO KEEP JOBS!” Would you feel duty bound to keep paying her?

Detach. If you get into deep convos with her about what she does and what you do and what you want from a friendship and what she wants from a friendship then - you’re just still feeding her.

Yes, exactly. It's her own behaviour which is losing her friends -- you yourself describe her as needy, selfish and emotionally draining. Why would anyone voluntarily choose to be around that?

And OP, you come across as a total people-pleaser, who can't bear to 'look like the bad guy' -- and I don't mean that as a compliment. People say on here all the time that they're 'just too people-pleasing' as if it's some cute little flaw and really they're just too giving and generous and are taken advantage of of 'users', but in fact it's a negative learned behaviour, just as much as selfishness or unreliability. It means you will do anything, even for someone you dislike and have no respect for, purely to avoid 'looking like the bad guy'.

Look at yourself, @LittleMermaidRose, you're tiptoeing around and giving giant amounts of headspace to someone who is, as you freely admit, selfish, negative, needy and emotionally draining, who seems to think you are her 24/7 employee, is seeking to prevent you seeing your other friends, and whose presence in your life is only making it worse. And you think that enabling this behaviour makes you the good guy.

I don't mean this nastily, but you really should rethink the assumption that going along with this makes you a better person than the friends who have decided to remove themselves from this person's life.

@Fruitpunch your comment stung a little but you're absolutely right! I suppose I just haven't seen it that way before.

Apologies, @LittleMermaidRose -- not intended to hurt. But I think I'm right about this, and that it might be liberating (even in a slightly stinging way) for you to rethink your own behaviour around this friend.

For the love of god @LittleMermaidRose don't question her again, just block and move on! You don't actually like her so why are you continuing to waste your time?!

@Fruitpunch

Great post.

I actually think it is kinder, if you don’t like her, to let her know and move on rather than ‘distancing’ - she thinks you’re her friend, so she will be hurt by the distancing.

@Fruitpunch

Look at yourself, @LittleMermaidRose, you're tiptoeing around and giving giant amounts of headspace to someone who is, as you freely admit, selfish, negative, needy and emotionally draining, who seems to think you are her 24/7 employee, is seeking to prevent you seeing your other friends, and whose presence in your life is only making it worse. And you think that enabling this behaviour makes you the good guy.

I don't mean this nastily, but you really should rethink the assumption that going along with this makes you a better person than the friends who have decided to remove themselves from this person's life.

100% this with bells on! 👏👏👏

* I actually think it is kinder, if you don’t like her, to let her know and move on rather than ‘distancing’ - she thinks you’re her friend, so she will be hurt by the distancing.*

^I agree with this. It’s clear that you don’t like her, understandably in view of how she’s treated you, so it’s time to move on. But I think you should be honest with her rather than just ghosting her.

Yup. All that ghosting is going to achieve is hurt and her doing more reaching out to you and letting you know that she’s hurt. Once you have been clear you can both move on.

I'm going to go against the grain here and my previous message.

Meet Christy for coffee - tell her your thoughts, feelings etc - if she still keeps on being silly, throwing histrionics etc then end the friendship but if you're honest with her you can maybe distance the friendship.

Meet Christy for coffee - tell her your thoughts, feelings etc - if she still keeps on being silly, throwing histrionics etc then end the friendship but if you're honest with her you can maybe distance the friendship.

I bet if OP did this.. Christy would spend the entire time talking about Christy... which is what OP has been avidly avoiding...

Since her reply, I've had two more texts from her - both normal chit-chatty type texts like nothing's wrong.

So all of a sudden, she’s absolutely fine. Where have the ‘desperately hurt’ feelings gone?

They were only there when it suited her to manipulate and guilt you. And this is someone you call a ‘friend’....?

She doesn’t like you.

You don’t like her.

You are dragging this ‘friendship’ out, as Fruitpunch says, to avoid looking like the bad guy, all the while being totally false and two-faced.

I, too, don’t mean this unkindly. But you think you’re doing the right thing, all the while not being in the least bit true or honest to either Christy, or yourself.

And please don’t take the advice just upthread to meet her and have it out.

I had a "friend" who used to randomly blurt out "All my friends just abandon me." It would have nothing to do with anything we'd been talking about, and it always creeped me out. The "friend" was clingy, had me walking on eggshells, wouldn't share me with other people, would monopolise my time when we met up, and throw passive aggressive insults at me for attempting to stick to any boundaries such as "I need to be home by Xpm". Like, literally calling me names the whole way home. Would even hint at suicide (!!!) just to keep me worrying about them. Unfortunately by the time I finally saw sense, this "friend" had isolated me from my other friends to the point that they had become mere acquaintances. It finally became unavoidably obvious that I was miserable in this so-called friendship and that it's supposed to be give and take, not give give give or take take take. I gave an ultimatum in the end, asking for fairness between us or nothing, and they wouldn't budge, and of course laid on the manipulation big time... so I said goodbye and ignored any further contact. I did it all by email because I knew that if I attempted to have a verbal conversation, they'd storm off and slam the door or hang up if it was by phone, and I felt it would be harder to make a dramatic exit from an email.

The worst part is, all of that could have been avoided if I hadn't tried to be a hero and be their friend out of pity. I should have had the guts to blank this person from day 1, make it obvious that I found their behaviour and general manner uncomfortable, and stayed tf away.

I now have my guard up and just don't get involved if I don't like someone and can't put my finger on the reason why. I was wrong any time I tried to be the hero and "help" a person by being a pity friend. Whether it's an emotional disorder or a disability that affects social skills or whatever, not my responsibility. Theirs. Especially as adults.

@BlueThistles

Meet Christy for coffee - tell her your thoughts, feelings etc - if she still keeps on being silly, throwing histrionics etc then end the friendship but if you're honest with her you can maybe distance the friendship.

I bet if OP did this.. Christy would spend the entire time talking about Christy... which is what OP has been avidly avoiding...

but then at least you know Christy is a self centred piece of work and can happily end the friendship with no qualms.

@MerchantOfVenom

Since her reply, I've had two more texts from her - both normal chit-chatty type texts like nothing's wrong.

So all of a sudden, she’s absolutely fine. Where have the ‘desperately hurt’ feelings gone?

They were only there when it suited her to manipulate and guilt you. And this is someone you call a ‘friend’....?

She doesn’t like you.

You don’t like her.

You are dragging this ‘friendship’ out, as Fruitpunch says, to avoid looking like the bad guy, all the while being totally false and two-faced.

I, too, don’t mean this unkindly. But you think you’re doing the right thing, all the while not being in the least bit true or honest to either Christy, or yourself.

And please don’t take the advice just upthread to meet her and have it out.

Yes, very interesting that she's gone from 'desperately hurt' to 'chitty-chatty' at the mere thought that maybe she should be offering support instead of demanding it. VERY interesting.

but then at least you know Christy is a self centred piece of work and can happily end the friendship with no qualms.

But OP already knows this.. hence the Thread

Exactly ^^

Thanks everyone. I really do appreciate the more "harsh" replies too, they've given me a lot to think about.

Those of you who are saying I don't like her - you are correct, and I have only just realised that over the past couple of days. For the past 8 months or so, I haven't liked her. But I still like the person she used to be, which is what is stopping me from completely dumping her. I think that if this was a new friendship, I'd have no problem.

You're so right - if she truly was so hurt, there's no way she would suddenly go back to being so friendly with me. I think that she's maybe realised that her attempts to make me feel guilty have backfired. I've never been this assertive with her until now (thank you to the person who sent me that Instagram link) so it's probably given her a bit of a shock!

I haven't replied to her or opened any of her other messages. I will read them in a couple of days. Right now I just feel so angry, I think I need a little time to process my feelings.

Thank you to everyone, your replies have really made a difference to me.