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AIBU?

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Original poster

I've hurt my friend's feelings?

129 replies

LittleMermaidRose · 27/10/2020 11:10

I have an extremely needy friend that I've posted about before, I'll call her "Christy", who do I still keep in contact with but I have distanced myself from her a lot, as she has become increasingly selfish and emotionally draining. I have always supported her through everything but she hasn't been there for me when I needed her.

"Christy" has just told me that I have hurt her feelings deeply and made her feel like I don't care about her - this because I went out for coffee last week with another friend, "Marie".

What she doesn't know, is that this coffee date wasn't planned. "Marie" actually surprised me after work, as I had mentioned to her that I'd been having a hard time recently.
Apart from "Marie", I haven't really seen any other friends lately (lockdown).

Have I been insensitive here and do I owe her an apology or an explanation? I honestly don't think that I do, but perhaps I'm being bitchy?
"Christy" hasn't bothered to ask me out to lunch or anything or ask how I am so it's not as though I've been blowing her off.

OP posts:
marveloustimeruiningeverything · 27/10/2020 11:45

Ignore her and take another step back.

Original poster
LittleMermaidRose · 27/10/2020 11:51

Yes, this is the friend I wrote about in September!
This year seems to have really affected her (quite understandably) and I'd hate to dump her completely when she's so down.

I find it really hard to let go of her.
We've grown up together, share a lot of fond memories and old friends.
I know that I'm holding onto the person she used to be, the friend that I really loved. I know that she's not that person any more, but still I just don't want to believe it?

OP posts:
Bannister · 27/10/2020 11:58

Ask yourself why you've set this situation up, to the point that when you do anything which doesn't focus on this 'friend', she feels absolutely entitled to complain about not having a monopoly on your time and attention, and you, ridiculously, feel guilty. Are you someone who is addicted to feeling needed, and who consciously or unconsciously is drawn into 'friendships' with clingy, needy people with problems?

Branleuse · 27/10/2020 11:59

Id text back " im sorry you feel that way, but it was nice to be surprised with a coffee after id been feeling so rubbish and I cant apologise for that"

DrManhattan · 27/10/2020 12:00

You are allowed to have more than one friend

LEELULUMPKIN · 27/10/2020 12:00

This is why I don't do friends. Way too much hard work.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 27/10/2020 12:01

You don't need her permission to see your other friends.

Bannister · 27/10/2020 12:04

@LEELULUMPKIN

This is why I don't do friends. Way too much hard work.
I have a lot of friends, and not one of those friendships has ever involved this level of neediness and drama. My friends are just people whose company I enjoy, and being friends with them has never involved anything like 'work'.
CleverCatty · 27/10/2020 12:08

Just tell Christy that Marie surprised you.

I'd be tempted to mention to Christy that yes she doesn't invite you to lunch etc anyway but I'm a bitch like that Grin

CleverCatty · 27/10/2020 12:12

I have to say - I've got a close friend who goes for walks every Saturday morning with her close friend (but also does paid therapy exercise classes with her) - and as this friend works on Saturdays and often Sundays (a whole other story) I feel her friend kind of takes over her Saturdays - we used to go out etc.

But although I mention this occasionally she must want to do this and I do have other close friends so I see them etc.

You can't control who wants to see you and when - and I've been there and done the 'close friend joined at the hip thing' which never ends well so I don't do that now.

ktp100 · 27/10/2020 12:12

Christy needs a kick up the ass!!

Nothing worse than entitled friends who get arsey when you dare have other friends.

Put her back in her box, OP and don't you feel bad for one nano second!

qazxc · 27/10/2020 12:12

You don't have anything to apologise for. I don't get mad if my friends meet up with/ have other friendships.
It sounds that the friendship with Christy is very one sided, I would consider making the distancing permanent. "friendships" like this are not healthy/can be emotionally and mentally draining.

BlueThistles · 27/10/2020 12:15

How does she know you met this other friend for coffee?

BMW6 · 27/10/2020 12:22

I think if you want this friendship to continue you should take this opportunity to tell her that you are pissed off with her possessive attitude, and actually she isn't there for YOU at all, just for herself!

You are perfectly entitled to spend time with other people without some whining from her! Bloody ridiculous!

Littleyellowbowl · 27/10/2020 12:22

Does her name begin with A?

BorderlineHappy · 27/10/2020 12:25

If you wouldnt take this from a partner,dont accept it from a so called friend.

You have tried to help her, shes dragging you down. You have to let her go for your own happiness.

HelenUrth · 27/10/2020 12:26

She's barking.

I'd be concerned that explaining yourself to her would make her feel this is something she's entitled to, making her even worse in future.

Perhaps reply along the lines of
I think my behaviour for years and support for you illustrates that I do care about you and would never intentionally hurt you. However your message suggests that you think I should ask your permission before having a coffee with someone I happen to bump into? I hope you realise that's not a reasonable expectation?

If she doesn't see sense then let her know that sadly she probably needs more professional support than you feel able to give her.

Crinkle77 · 27/10/2020 12:27

Christy is being ridiculous.

MadameMeursault · 27/10/2020 12:28

You don’t need to apologise or explain! Is she upset because she didn’t get invited or because she doesn’t want you to have other friends? I don’t even know why I’m asking this actually as neither are justified. You need to tell her that sometimes you will see other friends. If you’re feeling brave you could ask her why she has a problem with is, as the old her wouldn’t have.

LittleTiger007 · 27/10/2020 12:28

Why on earth would you owe her an explanation or an apology? As I read it, you had a coffee with a friend?? What’s the issue? She doesn’t own you. You can have a thousand other friends and do what you like with them and it wouldn’t have anything to do with your relationship with her. It is none of her business because you are an adult, a separate person to ‘Christy’ and you owe her no explanation.
I think you should say this to her.
She sounds mentally ill, and needs to realise that whilst you may understand her neediness, that doesn’t make it right. What you do and who you see is none of her business.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 27/10/2020 12:30

Maybe apologise that she is still stuck in her teenage years.....
She sounds 13...

Meowza74 · 27/10/2020 12:31

I don't get it.

Why can't you go for a coffee with another friend?

ClementineWoolysocks · 27/10/2020 12:37

What exactly would you be apologising for? You're allowed a life outside of your friendship with her and she's being ridiculous.

greeneyedlulu · 27/10/2020 12:38

She sounds like hard work, I'd let her fester on it and not contact her again to be honest. I cant be dealing with twits like that.

EverydayDrudge · 27/10/2020 12:38

This year seems to have really affected her (quite understandably)

This year has affected us all, including you. When do YOUR feelings get to matter?

I'd hate to dump her completely when she's so down.

Hold firm compassionate boundaries then. I'm sorry to say in my experience that that will probably cause her to end the friendship but it will save your sanity and future regrets.

"Christy it is perfectly normal for me to have other friends and to meet up with them. I'm sad that you're feeling hurt but I haven't done anything wrong."

I have always supported her through everything but she hasn't been there for me when I needed

"Marie" actually surprised me after work, as I had mentioned to her that I'd been having a hard time recently.

I like the sound of Marie a lot more than I like the sound of Christy.

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