help needed pleas! my dh and I are no longer on the same wavelength since ha our ds

[lolaby]

I feel that my husband and I will soon divorce because he loves our son too much and anything that happens to him is my fault.
I have been married for 7 years(married at 19) and my dh is the only man I have really been in relationship with.
Everything was fine until we had our first son a year and a half ago...He loves him soo much that when my son falls or vomit he tells me it is my fault as I overfed him. My son is very thin (but healthy!) and I am trying my best to cook for him and do anything I can so that he eats (even folows him while he plays so that he gets some food, sometimes takes more than an hour). He has been having a lot a vomiting problems but Dr said everything is fine. A few times I must admit, I overfed him. But tonight, I have not overfed him and he choked on a piece of corn and my husband accused me again of overfeeding him and sounded really pissed with me. I reacted back and shouted that he should stop blamimg me for whatever happens to our ds as I am trying my best. My Dh and I are no longer on the same wavelength and it even comes to the point where I will not tell him when my ds has fallen/vomited or anything else as I am scared to get the blame...dh said he cannot say anything to me anymore as I overreact but i am tired to always get criticised when i try my best(even the way I breastfed was wrong!!!!)
Has anyone experienced big problems in their relationship after their first child???

i do, with ds in the daytime! at night, we would rather have friends around,do some take away as i know i could put ds to sleep and then relax but still hear him if he cries

if he's not underweight then he will sleep better without the bottle, believe me.

Hi,
my ds is underweight....he is 15 months and weighs 9kg, which is lower than the 9th centile. Went to tesco yesterday and got him 9-12 months clothes which were still too long. this is why i am trying so hard to feed him, even at night

Sorry to hear you are going through this lolaby. It's so demoralising to be criticised when you you are doing your very best. Can really sympathise. My dh (also very caring) loves dd so much that I almost feel jealous sometimes. And our relationship is stressed because dh and I were brought up in such different ways that we have conflicts over the best way to discipline dd.

Your dh sounds very anxious. Is he stressed about anything else? Could you take some time out together (a leisurely meal in a restaurant) to try and get to the bottom of this?

Also, could you leave your ds with him for a day or even two and see if could acquire more understanding of the problem?

have u spoke to a health visitor????
she will give you support and help you with a new approach at the feeding.i must say that dh sounds like a nob and you may want to tell him that you work 3 days a week as well as your job as a full time parent.why dont you leave ds with him for a whole day at the weekend and see how he copes with him

Hi
Sorry just joined mn, after reading your original thread and all your replies just thought I would let you know you are not alone in having problems after your first born. It took me 4.5 years to sort myself out which is why I would like to tell you where I went wrong (might not help but may). Many of our problems occured because I took charge doing everything my DH never got a lookin, therefore when something went wrong it was ultimately my fault. Lots of years down the line and several RELATE sections later I am more chilled, DH is 'allowed' to take charge of DD and when she falls, is sick etc he see's these things happen. Regarding your DC not eating is it possible he has any food intolerance? My doctor once said he had never had a child die of starvation yet.
Good luck - sorry for the long post I am hoping to highlight that it may do you good to reverse responsibilities slightly. (hindsight is a wonderful thing)

It's a tense time and you're probably a vent for dh's anxiety and worry, it can be easier to get angry and blame someone - it's all easier to fix then. I wouldn't worry. My dd stopped eating and had digestive problems, she also had pneumonia too (we should start a club!). I found various ways to improve her appetite, massage can be really helpful, I found an excellent canial osteopath.

Don't give up on your relationship, it's a huge change with a baby, you have to learn how to communicate and understand eachothers needs while being sleep deprived. I found having a baby like starting a relationship from scratch but starting with the bad bits first!! We hit a wall but managed to iron things out and have gone from strength to strength, it's getting through the hard bits that makes a long-lasting relationship imho

that's cranial osteopath I mean

thank u all for your nice replies...it makes me feel less lonely...i do leave ds with dh every other staturday as i have to work...when i come back home nothing is cooked so we end up either doing take away or me cooking(very simple food though). I think he knows how hard it is to look after a child but never gives me any credit and i feel that it is easier for him to blame than appreciate how hard i am working... if i say that i need help he says that he does most of the cleaning in the week end, which is not always true... he wants me to call a cleaner but part of me feels that it is a waste of money as i could do it myself...however i feel that we would benefit from it as we could spend more quality time together...i really feel like going back to france where i come from and where all my family is....i feel so bad i told my mum about what is happening although she knew that we are going through a rough time as last time she saw us we were constantly arguing about ds...now all ny family is worried...btw, hadn't spoken to ds since last night but he phoned at lunchtime to see how we were doing, i was quite cold with him but am definately thinking of having a very important conversation tonight (will try to stay calm!!)

thank u all about ur advice oN DS FEEDING. what's cranial osteopath like?

Oh, no wonder you are down, you are homesick on top of everything else.

I live far away from my family and when things are rough I just want to go home. Would it be possible for you to go over for a week or so? The break might do you all good.

Do not worry about upsetting your family, let them support you. You sound like you need to talk to someone.

I have a cleaner btw, and only work 2 half days a week. It saves us loads of arguments and makes everything so much easier. It sounds like your DH is trying to help, he is suggesting ways of making it easier for you.

Hope you can talk to him tonight and get some of your problems off your chest.

i will be going home next month for a week...just talked to him and he said we both have to work on things. Me on my oversensitivity and overreacting behaviour and him on being less argumentative...
I said i needed praise to show me support and he answered that i am not a child and he does not need to praise me. he said that he would have been softer if i did not always answer back to him with 100 words everytime he tells me stg.i do not know whether we will improve, it seemed we were going nowhere after a while...

I think Relate would be a good idea. He actually sounds very controlling - you shouldn't answer back?! Perleease. And you really really shouldn't feel too afraid to tell him when your ds gets hurt.

Poor you, that does sound a bit harsh Lolaby. We all need praise from time to time. Perhaps a bit of space away from one another will calm the situation down. I know when dh and I argue that we often find it easier to communicate by phone than face to face!! It takes the heat out of a situation.

Good luck with everything. Oh and would definitely hire a cleaner. It's one more stress out of the way.

I think you BOTH need praise. Blimey, parenting is the hardest job in the world, and no-one is better placed than each of you, to be the other's biggest fan. It has always been SO important to me that DH tells me he thinks I'm a good mum, and I make sure that i tell him I think he's a great dad, and I tell him exactly what he does that's great.

I'm sorry you're feeling so homesick, it must be hard. I do think it's made all the harder because you and your DH are at present not helping eachother along enough. You both clearly want the same thing, which is to bring up your adorable boy, and you want the best for him and to look after his welfare; you just need to come together a bit and do it TOGETHER.

i do think appreciating what the other does as a parent is very, very important. Your DH needs to realise that it's not treating you as a child; it's not 'praise' so much as being appreciated for what you do and what makes you a good parent. And he needs to stop blaming you!

I will try my best to tell him what he does well...last night, i let dh feed ds and then bathe him and dress him up so that he realises what i do after i come back from work, pick ds up from his grandma...but ds knows that when daddy is here, he can get away with anything such as not eating(except a bit of dry pasta (4-5) and a sausage)and obviously, daddy kept smiling and hugging him!he then says, he is only a child and is going through changes so he does not want to eat...btw, what is relate? Sorry i am new on mumsnet...

Relate is a councelling service, it really helped us talk as she was neutral and it made us both see how the other was feeling. We had to pay but I would say it was worth it, happier now than I have ever been (still argue but now I realise that that is normal!)
Perhaps its worth a shot?

Relate also do books (have a search on Amazon) which might help you if you can't get to counselling.

BTW, don't stress about Tescos's clothes being too big for your son. My DD is 2 and a half and she is in their 9-12 months size. Tesco clothes are stupidly enormous!

Is your health visitor worried about your son's weight? If he is just naturally slim and not plummeting down the centiles they might tell you to relax a little regarding his weight.

Have you looked on Mumsnet for any other French mums to hook up with? I can understand your being homesick especially at such a difficult time and meeting up with some people from home might help you a little.

Good luck with everything.

Patsy x

Can I just add that you should perhaps try not to see it as "letting DH feed and bathe DS".

I know I did this at first and DH felt that he was the 2nd class parent. It is important that your DH feels that he has equal rights to his son, iyswim.

And I do not see the problem with your DH smiling and hugging DS, even if he is not eating as much as you would like him to. It is probably not easy but it might be better if you would try to relax a bit more about how much your DS eats. I do think that you are in danger of making mealtimes into a powerstruggle.

guess what guys, just had a major bust up with mil!!!as i said to u i am going back to france at the end of the month
just told mil who phoned me just now and she asked me that she heard my mum is going to come over. explained that she probably wont. she then says why do u need to go back to france if she s coming and as u just came back 2 weeks ago while on holiday with ur parents? i got so upset and said why can i not go see my parents? i miss them n they miss their granchild too...she then said my cousin in america does not get to see her parents that often. on top of it u leave ur husband here this time that's not on and your ds is not very healthy so is routine will be all the more disrupted...please help me as i do not know where to go from now

i am so depressed right now i just want to go home n stay there
please help

I completely understand your need to go home, that is what we do when we feel depressed and need support.

Your MIL perhaps does not understand, it is not just about seeing your parents, it is about being in your home country and being in familiar surroundings.

Bringing the cousin in America into the discussion is not helpful. The cousin would probably love to see her parent more often but cannot. We are so lucky to be living in a world of cheap airfare. I see my parent about every 6 to 8 weeks, sometimes they visit us and we go over at least once a year.

And if one more person says, "In my day, folk emigrated to Australia and you never saw them again" I will SCREAM!

As to distrupting your DS's routine, I think that a happy mum is more useful to him than a strict routine.

Your DH is a man, he can cope without you for a while.

Have you had any treatment for Post Natal Depression? I had this after my DS birth and spent a couple of weeks at MILs then at my parents and let them spoil me. That, combined with the happy pills got me back on my feet again.

hi
its me again. have not slept much last night and do not know how i can go to work with swollen eyes and a very depressed mood but guess it will change my mind...i need all ur advice...i am thinking about the conversation i had with my mil(mean argument)...when she says that i put words in her mouth, which is also what my husband says...i know u will only have my version but i will try to be as objective as i can...yesterday went to visit mil and mentioned i will go to france next weekfor a week. she really did not look very happy about that and asked me if there was something wrong. I said, no nothing wrong, i just wanted to use up my holiday. Also another reason why i go to france next week is because she told me she is going away for a month so thought that i had to take some time off anyway to look after ds so might as well go home..although she said to me that her sister could help me out while she is away...thought she could look after him the next 3 weeks....she then asked me if dh was coming i said no. (in fact he was supposed to come but bec had to take extra holiday in the summer at last minute does not have enough holiday.
last night around 10pm, she phones and as i said on my previous mail asked me why i needed to go hom if my mum is coming...i said because i miss my family and because u said ur going on holiday i need time off to look after ds anyway...
she said that missing my parents does not mean i have to go there 10 times yearly...which is not true, i probably went 5 times up to now...) i must admit have been to france quite often these past 3 months(every month) but i am so homesick and my parents really miss ds.
I also said that i think it is imp. for my prents to see ds regularly(ok maybe not that often, but this past 3 months were an exception, normally it is once every 4 months) as i think it is good for him to see her too( see her evry other day at least). i then said i did not understand why she was not happy abt me going my parents and how dissapointed i was and did not expect this comment from her...i also said that i do not alw tell her but i do have probms in my family too and that sometimes i just want to be close to them as i feel guilty...obviously was really badly in tears by then...i must admit i started firing back at her quite quickly after she asked me why i needed to go home that often...
she said to me that once u married u cannot alw think about evrybody and can not split urself into so many parts to help everybody...said that nobody asked me to do that but as a good daughter i want to be near my parents....that is when she said that with a young age bb (15 months ) like ds i should not travel so much and she reminded me of the time in june when i was over there and ds was quite poorly...vomited quite a bit and i called my gp from france...but i must say that the past 2 times i travelled, everything was fine and when i came back here nobody even asked me how ds enjoyed holiday(although he really did) but instead said he had lost weight(although not true as i weighed him beforehand....). i said to her do u not miss ds when i am in france so how do u feel my parents feel??? to which she said that she would understand that she could not c my ds that often if she was far away like my parents....does anybody travel with kids? i do not know how to behave, what to do as she currently loooks after ds 3d/week...i just want to stop work but do not think that is going to help me...
am i too reactive and did she mean well? am i putting words in her mouth? (she said that she never told me not to go to see my prents as she has nothing against them but then why does she say that there is no need for me to go there or my mum to come up for a week as she thinks it is too frequent?)if her main worry was about ds being unwell why does it matter if my mum comes evryother week?(she actually came last june)...
pl. help
thank u

hi kindersurprise,
thanks for ur reply...mydh is actually fine with me going home and leaving me, but mil is not...
i do not think i really suffer from postnatal depression but guess whoever deals with mil is bound to be: while i was bf with ds, my boobs were huge...i wore a very nice black dress, knee length and very flattering for a wedding. when i asked her sister to help me add a button at the back of the dress, mil took opportunity to stitch front as she thought it was too showy...she constantly tells me how to dress ds(a one piece suit is the only thing she will tolerate even now as she thinks he will get ill if he shows a bit of leg...), tells me her soup is better than the one i do,etc etc,...so when u try ur best and dh does not support u that much and mil always gets involved, i guess u are bound to get post natal depression...however, the worst thing is that i am a haealthcare professional and shall think i am alright...or am i not?my dh was ok actually last night although he said that mildid not mean what i thought she meant, he still gave me hug last night and told me not to worry and this morning kissed me goodby too...