help needed pleas! my dh and I are no longer on the same wavelength since ha our ds

[lolaby]

I feel that my husband and I will soon divorce because he loves our son too much and anything that happens to him is my fault.
I have been married for 7 years(married at 19) and my dh is the only man I have really been in relationship with.
Everything was fine until we had our first son a year and a half ago...He loves him soo much that when my son falls or vomit he tells me it is my fault as I overfed him. My son is very thin (but healthy!) and I am trying my best to cook for him and do anything I can so that he eats (even folows him while he plays so that he gets some food, sometimes takes more than an hour). He has been having a lot a vomiting problems but Dr said everything is fine. A few times I must admit, I overfed him. But tonight, I have not overfed him and he choked on a piece of corn and my husband accused me again of overfeeding him and sounded really pissed with me. I reacted back and shouted that he should stop blamimg me for whatever happens to our ds as I am trying my best. My Dh and I are no longer on the same wavelength and it even comes to the point where I will not tell him when my ds has fallen/vomited or anything else as I am scared to get the blame...dh said he cannot say anything to me anymore as I overreact but i am tired to always get criticised when i try my best(even the way I breastfed was wrong!!!!)
Has anyone experienced big problems in their relationship after their first child???

I sympathise with you over your prblems - the first year or so is always tricky and MIL's more so!!! Mine undermines every type of discipline I use as she is so wishy washy and never tells them off, but then cannot cope with sharing her attention so ds always misses out

My main advice would be to stop the night time milk - at 18 months he is pefectly capable of sleeping through and it is quite probable that him having milk at night is affecting his daytime appetite - it certainly was with my son went he went through a phase of waking up 'hungry' at night. If he will not go cold turkey, water down the milk gradually each night until it is almost water and soon he will stop waking for it. This will also help your relationship with dp as you can move back into your bedroom.

Also, as others have said, make mealtimes specific - food to be eaten at the table at set times, with healthy snacks in between. My friend had a baby who was put through all sorts of test from 6 mths becasue she ate very little and was very small and low on the centiles (0.4%) and they had similar issues with feeding her. I well remember her refusing to eat unless she watched the TV, and her mother giving in becasue she 'had to eat'. Lo and behold at 6 she suddenly shot up and is now very tall and very well.

It also made me determined that I would not let food become a battle ground for my dd, who is a year younger and coincidentally exactly the same build / size, and she has always eaten well, if not that much. Interestingly her body seems to know what she needs as she eats lots of protein, vegetables and fruit and very little carbohydrate - she will never eat ptotato as a 'vegetable' but does love jacket potatoes as a main meal!

We found that having family meal times where we modelled good eatng and manners worked wonders, even from age 1 in a booster seat. Lots of children are far too interested in playing to want to eat - it happens lots at school when they first start, but he will soon get the message that mealtimes are for eating.

Hope you can sit down with your dh and sort things out - your ds needs you both

just had a massive argument with dh in car...because he still says that his mum is right and did not say what i say she said...said i am filing for divorce he said go ahead and phoned my parents to tell them and dh even talked to them....
my dad said i should not get angry as minor things and should not say divorce when i don't mean it....
i really mean divorce...
please help!!

how can i hate my husband so much now? he keeps telling me everything comes about because of me, my temper...

dh has his name for the house, evrything as bought it before we met...does it legally means that everything will go to them? i don't care anyway, i just want to quit, i don't think we are going anywhere

lolaby,
I really do think that you and your DH need to sit down with a counseller (sp?) and talk over your problems with a neutral person. You are getting lots of good advice here but we are only hearing your side of the story and I am sure your DH has a different point of view. I am not saying that he is right, but you are not communicating at all at the moment.

How about you sit down and think for a while about the good things about your DH and your marriage? Write them down. Then write down the things that are upsetting you.

Do not do anything rash, it seems a terrible shame to end a long relationship because of these problems. Especially as you said that you were happy until a year or so ago.

hi kindersurprise,
i am sure my dh will give you his own version...as he said to my parents i am very impulsive and anytime someone says a critic about me i get very upset...his mum just said to me if ur mu is already coming in 2 weeks time why do u need to go? he said that's that is when i fired and started shouted at her...my version was that i said because i miss my parents and they miss ds she said after that that lots of people miss their parents that is not an reason to go and visit them 10 times a year..u r right i need counselling and asked my husband to go with me too...answer? no, u go if u want u sort yoursel out as i have no problem...
evrything seems to be my problem...i must say he need so anger management too as when we argued he was hitting the walls as he was so angry...
had some time on my own to reflect...i have a complexe...as i said to u, got married very young. i waas still studying at that time he already had a well paid job. he does not want to have a joint account with me as he wants to know where his money goes...everything is under his name(legally, i own nothing!) he is 1o years older than me...and when he criticises the way i do things, i feel that he talks to me as if he was my dad rather than my husband...since i got married, everybody refers to our house as his house(even him although it git better after had a n argument about it) and when i was considering to be a sahm, he still refused to share his money with me...he compromised and said he will transfer some money from his account to mine every month...i may sound tough, but it is still not good to me...i don't care about his money evn if he transferred millions to me as would still be unhappy...it is this issue of trust and respect as husband and wife that i have...and that fact that his family is so nosy and always around does not make things easy...

That does not sound good, imo, husbands and wives need to be completely open and honest with each other. That includes bank accounts. I have had a joint bank account since we got married and we had a joint account for the house before that.

I do not like the way many men feel that they are generously giving their SAHM wife an "allowance". If I need money, I get it out of our account and there is no need for me to justify myself what I spent it on.

Your DH sounds very controlling. Such a shame that he is not willing to go to councelling with you.

tbh, I think you should get proper legal advice about your situation. It is rather worrying that everything is in your DHs name. Hopefully someone else will be able to advise you about the legalities.

And, as I have said before, it is your decision to go and see your parents, not your DH and certainly not your MIL. Probably the only ones who can fully understand your feelings are people who live far away from home. In the period of my life where I was very unhappy, I was on the phone to my Mum daily and visited often.

thank u kindersurprise...i did not want to mention all these details but this is how bad i feel at the moment... try to tell him that he is too controlling...he still thinks he is the one who always has to compromise in the relationship...we are soo not in the same wavelenghth!!! but i do feel my ds needs his dad and he will suffer if something happens...my poor ds....i probably said i was happy beforehand but not that much...i had to live with a member og his family for 4 years and that was hell until that person went away...one year later, i had ds...

Lolaby - do you think your husband wants a submissive wife? Do you think that your MIL is coercing your husband in making you submit to his and her will?

If so, you will be extremely resentful and angry and will get upset very quickly... and thank goodness, that is a healthy reaction to what is in fact a form of imprisonment.

I would advise you to find a counsellor ASAP (on your own) because you need to address the issue of the balance of power in your relationship .

dh just came back from the parc wit ds...told him calmly that i had time to reflect and about my complexe...was very angry again saying that this complex does not give me the right to be so reactive to what people say and i should not get upset when ,y mil tells me how to dress ds up, how to do things....i am mad....btw, my parents are coming tomorrow instead of me going hoping to patch things up....not sure that is the best thing to do...

Your parents are coming to the UK tomorrow?

I think that's a very, very good idea. You need support. I hope that they will be able to provide it . Good luck.

MIL tells you how to dress your DS?!! How ridiculous, and horrible that your DH considers this normal behaviour that you should put up with. for you

Lola, I'm not a child either but my dh takes the time every now and then to say "chip, you're doing a great job" and he does this even at times that I feel I'm doing a terrible job! There is nothing wrong with showing a bit of appreciation and I think it needs to be built in to all relationships. Your dh needs to know this!

Me and my DP went to Relate just once but even that helped us. (It made him look like the idiot he is ). We were able to talk much more openly than we could at home. I thoroughly recommend them, it was about £40 a session, expensive but probably worth it in the long term. I think we need a few more sessions but we left feeling a hell of a lot more optimistic than we had before.

hope you have a nice time with your parents this week. Sorry your MIL is a pain too.

Gosh Lolaby, you must be going out of your mind with anguish. Thank goodness your parents are coming and perhaps can de-fuse things.

Divorce is a big descision and shouldn't be made in the heat of the moment, though perhaps you do need time apart, just to let things settle.

Would it be possible for you and DS to go to your parents and for DH to join you a couple of days later? You and DH need to be able to get away, just the two of you (no MiL!), just for a couple of days (without DS, I know its tough, but your parents would love the opportunity to look after him). Often with a good nights sleep and no interuptions it is easier to think about what you really want from a relationship and easier to open up and talk.

Please remember that the first two years with a new baby are really tough, you're both tired and everything is new. It's perfectly normal to worry and feel anxious about your DS, children are precious. Perhaps by seeing you feeling more relaxed at your parents home your DH will be able to understand how pressured you feel in your own home.

My DH was really insecure at this time, he worried about providing for us, he worried about all sorts of unimportant stuff and became quite controlling (could this be the same for your DH?). After getting to the same point as you, and me telling him to move out, he finally went to councelling. Fortunately we managed to resolve the main issues but I still have a controlling MiL (unfortunately they don't just disappear in a cloud of smoke!) Your MiL will always be a part of your DH's life, you need to put in place some coping mechanisms.